Stranger

I was skeptical about this new employee; something was amiss, very difficult to point out the problem but, my sixth sense was giving me alarms. I posted him at our new branch some miles away from me I did not want my negative feeling to ruin his work or color his image for others. he indeed was highly qualified and most suitable for this job. all said and done, he was a person worth second look, smiling charming and mannerism that would melt any tough cookie!! he could have tried his hands in advertisement industry if not in films.

After six months also, I was yet to give him clean chit! Why was I so reluctant? Was my sense of judging people so correct and strong? Had I not failed miserably in my earlier attempts to judge people and claim that I knew how to judge people? Knowing well that  judging  is not ethical!!

My last attempt of judging an employee was real eye opener for me, I trusted this employee who was not performing well and constantly needed reminders. He had shared some of his personal problems with some of us at office and once while giving him feedback he cried like a small kid my heart went out for him, and though there were issues about his integrity, I convinced management to be lenient towards him and he later; in no time he joined our rival company!

Almost everyone mocked at me and at my claims of knowing personnel management and my claims about all psycho therapies! I was low profile afterwards but not out of circulation! Judging people and dealing with them was part of my profile.

When he joined the company, I was the only one who rated him high and yet could not trust him.
His work experiences were very different, if one was to believe him every 12 months his profile changed. Needless to add there seemed growth and precisely this was the reason for my doubts for him.

He made good start in our organization too and his popularity was soaring daily was I nervous? Or was I desperately trying to find faults and prove my point? Popularity in management parlance is due to sales figures he managed and targets he achieved. Tough he never was threat to me; he was much junior in age and at least couple of ladders below in management titles that are more of decorative
pieces than of any other uses. Now, we were to meet again at or regional training center popularly known as MDC. MDC has its reputation for quality inputs, infrastructure library and faculty. I wanted to avoid him. I ensured that our rooms were poles apart at MDC and I took train to reach MDC. My staff was surprised by my decision of not flying in and kind of loosing around 28 hours
in this journey. I was sure that I did not want to reach earlier and spend time listening to him!

Was I insecure? Was he playing on my mind? Was he becoming a threat to me and my
knowledge about people? Clueless me and strong fixed ideas.why was I spending so much of my energy for him; to prove him wrong or to prove me right?

I started my train journey, though it was 2^nd AC I was bit uncomfortable for past 10 years I had never travelled in train. It all started with my trips abroad and soon it became a habit trains were outgrown as a teenager outgrows into motorbikes from bicycles!! Train was comfortable but my mind was busy comparing it with business class.Compartment was not so crowded and in my
aisle I was the lone passenger! I decided to catch up on my sleep to distract my mind which was comparing speed of train and aircraft!!

I must have slept for good two hours and when I woke up I found one more passenger ;This lady smiled and greeted me was I dreaming? Why would any stranger smile and greet me? I instantly got up trying to avoid looking at her, I picked up my bottle and started drinking water as slowly as possible and trying look out side window and presuming that it was sunset time and sun looked so beautiful knowing well that it was just late afternoon and good 3 hours for sun to set suddenly I felt I saw him his reflection in the window I was so shocked that I lost my control and I dropped the water bottle my reflexes were slow my one hand was trying to pick the bottle and another one was trying to find napkins and papers to clean the mess and profusely apologizing to the family.

He said that’s alright sir! Are you all right?

Now, I looked at them, to my surprise he was the one, to avoid him I had taken the train! He was saying something… his words were falling on my deaf- ears making some sense I had to recover and behave! I smiled and in my mind started thinking about how will I respond to his questions

He continued, I told Manpreet It has to be him only but I could not have removed blanket to see your face to I had to wait for you to wake up! I never take flight, as Manpreet also joins me . We always take the train.

What has she heard about me? Does he talk business at home? Is this being professional? All sorts of questions were crossing my mind. I was trying to show my initial surprise as genuine surprise and I made a story about my train trip as one which would help me catch on my sleep.We still had 20 hours of journey left and I was already thinking about alternatives? They both were trying to make me as comfortable as possible. This was making me uncomfortable.

She must have read my mind  and answered, initially I was too afraid of staying alone and now it has become more of a habit than comfort. How does your family take this? There was pin drop silence for a while

She said; we do not have kids….

And Our parents  Hate us!!… He completed.

The pause seemed too long, I was reluctant to start any conversation, and yet I was curious to
know about their past. She was the one to take the lead again, We are married for 20 years now! They really did not look so old.We got married when I was 17 and he was 19! For 3 years we were absconding and our parents and police were searching us throughout this country .We spent those 5
years in Nepal as students, How we managed to reach there is yet another long story. We stayed
with one family they treated us as if we were their own kids,

We joined college and completed our education, got married again, and now have Nepali
passport!!.

How did you manage college admission? Before I could complete my thought or question, he
started narrating those days.

I was the “Hero” in that small town and most people from Punjab (Film Star dharmendra is from our village) were willing to send me to Mumbai and try my luck in bollywood. My father worked as clerk in college and he was very proud of his son' I was almost like a show case for entire town, I too liked this Casanova image, which gave me license to 'look' at girls!! Have fun, act, play pranks, and bunk college to be at Gym and work on my body!! I was everywhere' from Ramlila grounds to banks and from Gym to corners where friends had their tea or just gossiped… this was my second year in college and I had made my plans to get into Bollywood when I accidently banged into her.

It was a rain soaked day, my driver was missing, and I was craving for him to look at me I was hoping that my driver would come and I would be able to offer him lift' and we will be together in car.. My romance with my thoughts got disrupted when he came on his scooter and told me about flat tyre of the car and driver unable to leave the vehicle and reach college to pick me up'

I reluctantly ( though I was craving') followed him and may be that was the day I fell for him'My father was the industrialist and richest farmer' in the entire district' like most girls I too was wanting to get married to him'. The HERO 'but our communities, casts, were different, life styles were different and the voids were such huge that no amount work could ever bridge the gap'

It took us only 8 meetings and 3 months to commit for life' someone from my father's business partners had seen us on the day it was raining and I was on his scooter to reach our car' I got a warning from my father about this' driver lost his job, one escort joined me for my daily trips to college' and his family was given one ultimatum!!

I just could not tolerate this act of my father, how could he insult people, so what if he was rich and controlled the community. Others too were respected citizens. HERO ' till than I never knew his name' was also a different kind of boy' he never miss-used his looks ' was ethical- helpful and was doing well in studies ' so what if he was poor' My arguments were seen as act of 'my love' to him and his influence on me'and he trying to eye our property'. I was the only daughter of my parents none of my siblings born prior or after me had survived- I had special place- in my house' but this was not acceptable to my father' But I was not in love' I had just met the boy once and that too because driver could not reach the place'Environment at home was suffocating for me' I met him once to inform him the repercussions of that rainy day'

I saw him for the first time' so closely' his golden skin' his soft hair' and his smile' well built body and gentleness in his voice'. I knew from that day, my heart was not mine anymore' I started loving him'' but could not confess… till next 2 months' My body guard' dutifully reported this meeting to my father' who threw a rage' not only my college was stopped for a week, he too was attacked, He fought them bravely and like a true Hindi film hero' was the winner in the fight!!

My father could not take this insult'

His father' who was proud of his son' had one more reason to smile' his son was not only obedient but also a brave heart who fought 15 men single handedly!! He was proud of his son .. But was demeaning my family'

The day he was to go to' Mumbai, I was to see a boy from another rich family as my prospective groom, I was given ultimatum from my father,' if the boy who was to come a see me' says 'yes' I had no options' but to get married at the first instant' choice was for boys ' they could say no to me' he wanted me to get married before my 'love story- nonexistent- which was
more in his minds than ours'becomes public!! And I lose my character!!

She became too emotional' and stopped' I did not know what to do next' silence was
deafening' train was moving and life was still'

After a while he stared' I had never liked her actually' but my heart fell for her, 'for the first time I saw beauty in her' when she was narrating things that she suffers because her father feels that she loves me!! I said to self' this person needs help'

I' was planning 'for my trip to Mumbai as I wanted to try my luck with films, I actually could go and stay with dhramji'though for a day..Yes, from our village' anyone could go to his house and stay for a day' and if the person wanted to try his luck in the film industry than stay was up to 8 days!! But no recommendations!! Only talent and willingness to slog it out!! I was sure I would make it in the industry' I had that scope'

As part of my shift to Mumbai, I had 'collected all my certificates, copies of mark sheets and I asked her too to keep things ready' why was I doing this I was not very sure' but I had my basic papers 'including copy of my ration card.

The boy who was to come and see her' was my friend' he helped us run away' Man marriages took place in my village wherein bride and groom were underage and it never struck us that we could be in trouble'we just escaped the village that evening, with help of the friend who was her prospective groom!! We decided not to go to Mumbai' from Amritsar I tried calling this friend next day' he told narrated the tragedy that struck our homes that day'

Her mother suffered heart attack and her father who was furious already' took pledge to kill both ' me and his daughter' who kind of defamed the family and brought the ill' luck- health to the house' He also went the same day to my place, insulted my parents' tried to through the belongings out, ' community and sarapanch was the people who helped my family and they forced my father to lodge a complaint against him!!

This changed the entire focus'. And soon our age became the matter of discussion and 'with in no time police issued search warrant for us' we needed to leave Amritsar too' We got married' in a temple' took pledge to be together in all situations'

At Amritsar railway station we banged into this couple who was from Nepal, and we kind of
told them that we were on our way to seek blessings from lord Pashupatinath- post our wedding a custom' we reached Nepal without any hassles' this couple extended their invitation ' and took us to their home' Next day we were at pashupatinath temple'. We got married their' again'. But this time with some rituals' no one asked us any age proof or anything'

I tried to call my friend' from Nepal' but there was no response' I thought maybe he was' not at home' nor did I wanted to talk to anyone' after 3 days we decided to leave from Nepal, but destiny had something else in store'

The old man suffered heart attack and I had to rush him to the hospital, may be because I was young and could lift him'or may be the seriousness of the matter forced me to get into this act' I am not sure' old man was in hospital for 10 days' in these' 10 days we' came to know about voids in their life and they came to know about our truth'

Once home , this old man tried to call ' my friend was still not reachable' I tried my father in his college' and was horrified' with what he shared'. My friend was now in jail' her father had filed a case against him for kidnapping his daughter and selling it to me!! He had given ads in paper with our photographs and news papers 'public places were full of our photographs and there was a prize of rs. 20000/- if someone could bring us back to village' a team had gone to Mumbai also and checked with Dharmji' My fathers requested me not call again' and stay away for some more time wherever I was till all this subsided'. I could not inform him that I was in Nepal' I needed money' whatever I had was over long back and we could not have stayed longer with this old couple'

Old couple somehow convinced Manpreet to stay with them and stay- study in Nepal'We now stayed with this family' and we started our education' courtesy this old couple'Our marriage had not consummated yet' this old couple explained the ' concept called marriage_ institution of marriage' importance of being self sufficient' All seemed fine as we had no contacts with our parents back home'

My next call to my father was after 3 months, the minute he recognized my voice' he said admission dates were over and if you keep calling us again and again' police can trace your number and reach you!

I understood what he meant' last call to college was heard'/ traced' and police was now
waiting for some more clues' I cried like a small baby that day' old man kept moving his fingers in my hair' till I slept' I wanted to go back'

I wanted to fight this' I wanted my pride back'

Manpreet wanted me'.She hated her father even more now'

After almost a year , I tried to contact my father aging' this time the old man had called up, as if he it was a proposal of marriage for me' The version he got from my father was scarrier'His son had abducted a girl' and now this was a CBI case!! Thankfully no one had seen ' heard about us being in Nepal' I completed my graduation' I enrolled myself for Masters in the most prestigious college of Kathmandu' all supported and sponsored by this family'. In the meantime one day we were married again' I was now 21 and she was 19'. By the Indian law' I now could marry anyone with mutual consent'

We decided to return to our village '

Our new parents were with us' they were to be the mediators'. We reached the village'
we were in a taxi, like every village, taxi here speaks volumes 'police followed us before we could reach my home and I could meet my parents, or they could even realize that I had come back' or who was the couple accompanying me/ us' we were taken to police station' her father too was their' our marriage certificate and date of marriage' on certificate proved that we were legally married and this was not a case of abduction ' Manpreet publically accepted that she willingly left with me' and is major enough to marry a person of her choice and this marriage took place after she was major' and there was no force'

Police could not do much' they tried to pacify my father' in rage' he announced that he will kill both'Manpreet tried to talk to her mother' but she was helpless.. And mute spectator in the
whole drama' I decided to leave immediately with our new parents! They were aghast' speechless and trauma was such for them that he complained chest pain'

We left the village , rather we survived the chase' our vehicle was fired by her father and
bullets brushed past us! God saved us'. But the old couple took this to heart' they did not want to stay a min in India, health was not such that we could have left them' so we came back to Nepal'

We now got threats in Nepal, we did not want this family to suffer because of us, so we moved to Biratnager' now chase was simpler for her father' within one year we moved to Mumbai, and I
wanted to try my luck with films' I did one ad' and we were caught again' this time death was so close by, that I almost lost Manpreet, she was expecting bullet hit her in intestine' she survived'

We could have continued, but another passenger walked in' the 4^th passenger' there was pin drop silence'

I could notice uneasiness on Manpreet's face' she was nervous, wanting to switch off
lights and sleep'she took her asthma pump' she did look breathless, and he started to smoke! What combination' after a while she started complaining abouther health'

He got up and approached TC for a seat change! They moved to AC 1^st class' without even acknowledging my presence- as if I was STRANGER'.

After they left, the passenger who had walked in , because of whom they had left' started
communication with me' I was in no mood' to talk to him' I was constantly thinking as to why they left' what was the reason' was health the real cause? If she had asthma attack why did he start smoking'

But the person- co-passenger now was so eager to talk to me' said' I know the couple
who just left' I was in jail because of them for almost 2 years' I thought he was the friend who helped them run away'.

Before I could say anything'

Stranger continued; Manpreet comes from a rich family, she married this 'hero' of the village much against her father's wish' but being only daughter parents accepted this alliance after their first son was born. 'hero' had never seen money in his life' after his this marriage both his parents died soon' so he shifted to be with Manpreet's family' slowly he took over the family business'

Suddenly the style changed for this 'hero' and he was now in-charge of finances and money
that he had never seen. New cars and mega expensive life style, foreign tours were a vicious cycle. People took advantage of this and fortune started dwindling' in 10 years. The son was now in Hostel in Europe and lot of money for his fortune- future was kept aside. Actually that is the
only fund that he has managed, rest all was either spent on fun 'frolic- and items of materialistic pleasure'.someone forged the accounts, I was working with Manpreet's father for long' I was seen as the culprit and police complaint was lodged against me it took me two years to be out of jail but her father was by my side ' Manpreet's father now asked them to leave'. And I look after the estate now' including the education of son' who is more attached to grandfather than parents' parents were never there' they were always touring'..having fun and never thought that son would not even connect to them' he is now 18 and plans to revive the empire of grandfather'He hates his parents. He continued for three more hours' I kept listening and my reactions' were too slow' numb' he felt I was moved by his story'. He did not know that I knew him and we worked for the same organization' I did not feel like sharing this info with him'I was lost'.

He was not there for the meeting at MDC, this puzzled me more, where could have he disappeared? Was he afraid to face me? Why me? Why did he share his story? Many thoughts were bothering me and all questions were unanswered, till in a fortnight we received his resignation, he was joining as MD of a new company'. One more journey'.

For a long time i have not added/ written a story… as i was working on a project which was like dream come true… as part of de- stressing self i now have newer posts… as watch this space for the same…
hope you have been keeping in touch with me!! through this medium…

Suicide

 

 

His Friend:-

I am unable to say any thing numb with pain and sorrow what to say or share?

When the phone rang I was still sleepy, and was not very sure whether I should get up and start the day may be age was catching up with me but the call was devastating . she called up and the message that I heard was not sinking in, was un-comprehendible for me, my reaction and scream brought my husband from his study to the bedroom from that moment he took charge of me and situation in next 45 min. we were on our way to be with her.

From where should I begin it's a long story; I first met him, when, he was 18 years and I was 24. He was well built, broad, and looked almost grown up, unlike
others who were visibly growing up and wanted to look grown/ outgrown. It was rather difficult to accept his age as, He was a Hunk! A guy any girl dreamt to be
holding hands for life; a guy one could rarely take one's eyes away from him
Prince Charming, I had never come across such a handsome boy till now, though I
had completed my post graduation and was now pursuing my doctoral thesis.

I too,looked bit younger than my age, and this was one of the reasons for my attractions towards him. His magnetic charm and my looks, it was deadly combination in our first meeting , which was a sheer accident, he was looking out for HoD's office and I was coming out of the same as HoD was not there I informed him, without he asking me whether HoD was in and during this conversation we glanced (or may be I took that chance to talk to him) at each other and were struck by the charm . we talked at length, in our first meeting, may be it was for two hours nothing personal but for names, we were talking about the "world" and were disappointed with world and its rules it was during this conversation we figured differences in our age.  He thought I was also a fresher, and for me I thought he was new student on fellowship from some other city. Needless to add it was love at first sight for both.

Both were very sure that we can not be anything more than friends .. What amazed me was his matured thinking at that young age when and where most boys were lost and saw relationships very differently. He stayed away from any attraction from
anyone this reinforced our relationship and was the sole base, the basis of
our friendship.

Eventually I got married; he could not attend my wedding. But my husband knew about him. We were in touch with each other through mails We continued to write to each other meet with our respective families and, now after almost 25 years today when I, reflect / react on the recent step that he has taken I have no words, no clues as to why he has done what he has done taken those extreme steps.

I,remember his wedding, all of us were there, my husband, my kids. His wife was a very simple looking girl. My first thought was he could have waited for a while or may be "there were more beautiful girls" but I did not, rather could not say anything; I was taken aback by my own thoughts. Wedding was a very simple affair we spent couple of days with him and his family, before they left for their honeymoon. During this time I became close friends with his wife too only 48- 72 hours old relationship . she was younger to me by almost 10 years . but we became great friends. I was proud of him for the choice that he made. He amazed me again, by choosing a spouse that was "beautiful" from within. She too was a person with magnetic charm though not traditionally beautiful my initial thoughts just melted and disappeared never to surface again.

I was thinking of her now . how she must be taking the whole episode? I wanted to
be with her as soon as possible a span of 25 years was going through my mind
life was really kind to them, no ups and downs; everything was as if well planned.
We met last on my husband's 50^th birthday memories of that time
lingered for a while in my mind

His wife:-

I met her on our wedding day, she indeed was a lady with grace as described by him, and he had told me about their first meeting, on our first date I always found him "cute- and innocent" though he looked matured, and with his looks and style, and the long line of girls falling/ following him, I am sure he could have misused his power but he was known for his character, intelligence, and looks people could not really put them in any order they felt girl like me was lucky to find this guy, or he choosing me as his partner was luck for me…

I was not jealous of her, but was curious to know/ look and find out more about her I wanted to know who was the first girl, whom my "would 'be- husband", gave his heart, for the first time he never described her always talked about
her. It was me who visualized her, pictured her in my thoughts I was no doubt
elated when he first proposed me, he was my senior in college and we belonged
to different communities. We got along well from the first meeting and were
friends, even after he finished college and pursued his PhD from a different
university, we kept in touch, and I started working as an assistant lecturer
after my M. Phil. in the same dept. The day he proposed me, and the way he
proposed me, I still remember even after 23 years He came straight to my work
area, there were other colleagues too it was total filmy, he came with bunch
of red roses, and kneeled and loud and clear he asked for me to commit to him
I was happy, perplexed, thrilled, but was not sure of expressing the right
emotion. Though we had known each other for almost 3 years as students in the
same college and 3 years of friendship, it was no where near the courtship at
least I did not crave for him though I had liked the idea of getting married
to him I was also thrilled with the fact that he considered me to be his life
partner, knowing fully well that he has never let his emotions/ feelings
expressed to anyone. It was like true love ..I needed sometime the day in the
college was filled with romantic air and news spread like wild fire I decided
to leave for home as I could not take the stare from people

He was there too . sitting with his parents at my place and had already talked
about his actions to my parents both parents seemed happy about the union But
I needed some time to understand, as to why he thought of me as his partner,
why he communicated his love to me that way he communicated, may be I was still
not prepared to be married to him My parent felt that my reservations could be
disastrous and I will loose a chance- opportunity that came my way I felt
exactly the opposite I wanted to experience the love for him first before I
commit

It took 2 years for us to get married since that day our relationship had changed. Though he was same I started looking at things differently, analyzing him, trying to understand him, and trying to fall in love with him! It was during this time he first mentioned about her, and how he reconciled to the fact that she was not a match for him, I had just heard about her as a meritorious student of the dept. but never seen her or met her. As I started looking at him, his kindness, maturity, love, care concern seemed new to me, I started enjoying the relationship and finally I said yes to him and within a fortnight were married. We were now planning to celebrate our silver jubilee .in few years.

Life was pictureous, envious, and so fulfilling that I wondered why people cribbed about life, marriage, kids, work, life was really kind to me but for his last step, now .
I could just call her she was my lifeline guardian We had been good friends, we clicked from the day we met on our wedding day, both of us shared life like sisters to each other, I had become emotionally dependent on her after I lost both my parents, and she was my mentor. I was too numb to call on his very old and ailing parents or any of our relatives I just informed her and asked her to take care of the rest the only question that was bothering me is why . why did he take this step how could I not read his mind was he dissatisfied with me? Life? 

What was it that he thought was missing in our lives… we had everything .
our son was doing his internship at nearby medical college replica of his
father, and fiercely independent how can he take such a step after 25 years…?
I kept looking for clues and answers Our son was shocked, numb, shaken and had
cold stare .no shoulder to cry .

Police, walked in the study, by 7.00 am they were searching for some papers, note, clue, or anything- matter that will lead them further in this case (?) He had become a "case" now may be his actions Though they tried to gather information based their initial talk with us, neighbours, his colleagues and family friends every one was shocked surprised and were trying to be as helpful as possible I was starring at everyone in disbelief how could he do this how could he plan this, and no one was even aware of it, I slept in the same room everyday

Phone was ringing continuously first to confirm the news and later to speak to me I did not answer any phone call I just called her and asked her to reach here, to be with me. I was waiting for her It took her 7 hours to be with me, though she took the first flight I broke down in her arms, and for the first time I realized the impact of his actions

Suicide .yes, he had hanged himself in our bedroom, when I entered the room after the door was broken, I did not see him on the bed but I saw him hanging not realizing that my scream was to wake the entire building I just fainted collapsed next to the bed . somebody sprinkled water on me I got up, gathered courage to walk reached the phone and called her after the call I fainted again neighbours had taken charge of things and mess

That day I got up as usual, at 5 am and woke him up to, this was a routine for both, very rarely did they miss their walk together. That day he said; he was too tired to join me for the walk, I left alone, and he got up and latched the door from inside. We usually take one hour walk; and some time he goes for swimming on Wednesdays. That day I returned after one hour usually he would keep tea ready for me, more so if he did not accompany me for the morning walks and make me feel very special I was at the door for long, I had not carried my cell for walk that day, I called neighbours, and tried to call from their landline when he did not pick the cell, nor the landline phone, or his cell I panicked Neighbours too gathered, they also had seen some smoke in the balcony some time ago, but did not alert anyone as it subsided

It took long for the door to open, they were trying to minimize the damage while trying to break open the door and my heart was pacing up and down no amount of bang at the door woke him? Was he alright/ safe? Those 10 minutes looked life to me unaware of what will I face/see next I was anxious to get in and reach to him the minute door opened our latch was changed by him a fortnight ago only quoting safety reasons, hence the additional set of keys, which our neigbours usually had were inside I had mentioned couple of days ago to hand over the set of new keys to our neighbours all these thoughts raced my mind in that 7-10 min . and as we walked in I rushed straight to bedroom, where he was sleeping. I fainted at the sight. Who called police, I am not sure When and how our son was by my side I am not aware the image of him hanging . hanging from ceiling

His friend:-

She could not complete the sentence, she fainted again.

According to police, neighbours, and by her son, she must have narrated this 10 times, police first suspected murder but soon felt that this was a case of suicide. I was too shocked. I had known him for almost 30 years now; he was doing very well in his field. Financially sound, caring family, kids doing well, no work pressures,
the reason what could be the reason for him to take such a step . what could
have driven him to this stage .grief was every where everyone was shocked and
as if  everyone was trying to search for the reason.

I too was looking for an answer

We stayed there for over a fortnight, no clues, police filed the case as suicide his office was instrumental in not making this as a story for the newspapers . "countless" this is how the condolences meeting could be best described, for people who attended the condolence and prayer meeting or those who wanted to talk . for almost one week there was a line, actual line of people who came home and wanted to share how he changed/ influenced their lives invariably ending conversation into a question mark for his actions.

She was still shocked, in hospital for a day , his parents sat like statues in their chairs emotionless blank looks and their stare looked eerie she was recovering but she felt guilty, of leaving him alone that day the more she thought more it affected her now she had only one wish . either to follow him or to find an answer for his drastic steps Hypnotherapist working on her was not of much help to her she thought it was she who was responsible for his death.

I was constantly with her, may be in the same situation and trying to emerge bolder and calmer than her

Police records had 3 remarks, before they finally closed the case:-

1) His Secretary: - A young lady, who claimed herself to be in love with him, and was willing to do anything for him she had in her statement said

"That evening after everyone left the office, I decided to sit back and do some work…I had decided to be a bold person that day I respected him, loved him and wanted to marry him .age difference did not matter his personality was such that I was always attracted towards him and He was like a statue … never talked a word extra, crossed the line may be that made me go crazy after him once I wrote a note/ letter to him stating that I wanted to have baby from him he called me in tore the letter and said such mistakes can be dangerous for life, life is much more than such things and at the end of the communication  he said "You are my daughter's age I feel morally responsible to help you; I will come and speak to your parents

He actually came to my place with his wife and kids, it was like any other normal visit . he wasn't behaving like boss My parents were still unaware of my thoughts he later said to my father, about my blunders My parents were in awe of him, for them he was like a "God" He never mentioned about this ever to me/ my parents and never brought this matter in our work area. This made me crave for him more the more I decided to avoid, more intense were my feelings for him my fantasies and day dreaming was now affecting my work. I decided to quit from this job. He liked my decision. That was my last working day.

That evening I stayed a bit longer I wanted to hug him and kiss him . I just wanted to feel him touch him wanted to feel his bushy moustaches on my skin his hand on my I was ashamed of my thoughts, especially after meeting his family and his daughter I like a fool assured myself my hug and kiss will be from a daughter to a father I will ask for the same from him as parting gift.

I entered his cabin, standing near that window looking out and talking to someone over phone he was surprised to see me there he completed his call and asked me the reason instead to answering to his questions I ran straight into him hugged him and kissed him unable to control my thoughts and promise that I made to myself he was shocked unable to move his reflexes were slow; as he had not anticipated this he just pushed me aside he was about to slap me but instead said "You have insulted me" .tears came rolling from eyes I just ran ashamed of my self the "pleasure" of hugging and kissing first love of my life was gone.

Day after, I read about his suicide . he ended his life next morning   I can not face his family, wife may be it's because of me he committed suicide

2)      A Supplier-
Meeting him was always rewarding and not necessarily in terms of business that I got from his office but for learning, meeting such a pleasant personality, and no nonsense type, charming, sensible and workaholic Many a times I would just go to talk to him and get mesmerized by his talks.

Actually there were plans of diversification in his company I had heard about these plans from others in the company, I knew that he is in 'charge and the authority who will decide about the materials that I was supplying order, if we/ I got; were in millions and I would than never have to bother about new business for a while, servicing would take care of my needs and he as usual never said a word about tenders, quotations about needs about who all were bidding I tried very hard

That evening we met, just before the office closed, his secretary was leaving that day there was a small function to bid her farewell, I was given appointment just before this farewell I was my greedy best that day . I offered him up to 20% of the deal if he was willing to share information and the amount was negotiable all needed was the lowest bid and If I had any chance or was to get the order of course this was a very polite and polished conversation . he too showed me the door in a polite and polished manner saying "you are the first one to think of me as corrupt and offer me bribes that means I do not seem to be transparent enough how I wish I was dead before I hear this"  I felt insulted; I left though apologizing profusely but I was so angry that day, I wanted to  kill him how such people can exist in this world bothered me my ego was hurt .Day after, I read about his suicide . he ended his life next morning   I can not face his family,wife may be it's because of me he committed suicide

3)  His Boss.

Though I am the CEO of the company, I am sure he was more competent than me to be in this place we were poles apart he never touched alcohol I could not live without it he never looked at his secretary I always found one who was ready to sleep with me he always gave me those "sermons" and I always laughed them off My "bachelorhood" had an edge over his "family" in this regard.

 

He hated me for my weaknesses habits as he would often refer… Our business thinking was similar, and may be that was one reason we were still together, rather a great team; or may be because of our postings but we shared good relationship I was after him for his secretary I wanted her to be in my office . I kind of eyed her but he always managed to save her from me when I heard, she was leaving I called him up to suggest that instead she could join my office in fact on the last day, when I heard she was leaving , I called him up . after office I was kind of pestering him to help me get that girl . last he said was "over my dead body" and we had a good laugh before we hung the phone. . he ended his life next morning I could not go to the hospital, crematorium   I can not face his family, wife may be it's because of me he committed suicide

Police did not take much note of these; no one would go to police station even to misguide police with such FIR's. My husband too was shown these declarations, the declarations from trio, comments and statements given by these people He too found these baseless, we knew him well he would not end his life for such things he was beyond such small matters in life motives had to be different.

Police simply closed the file as case of suicide with in 3 days of the incident.

I could not close this file more I think about her, her life around him and
their life together his this step puzzles me I also could not share comments/
declarations by 3 individuals to her I did not want her to think more about
cause or ill about those 3 who felt responsible and had on their own gone up to
police and register/record/ say what they felt had he not committed suicide
because of any one of them or all of them all those 3 statements looked so
foolish when read and re-read. .

I was looking out for his diary his habit that everyone knew, writing about everything, everyday she also was searching for the same .but  it was no where, all his belongings were there, from the pay-in-slip dated 3 years prior to this episode to the telephone bill that he paid on the last day . 3 days later she was in the balcony and she just screamed her huge rubber plant was missing!! Who could have taken/ stolen the rubber plant from the balcony? We found the same  pot instead of the rubber  plant; with burnt pages of a diary; his diary that we were looking for so long… pot was covered with some dry leaves there were some more dry leaves behind other pots in the balcony it was done as if someone very meticulously carefully had hidden things there, this pot was in their bedroom till late evening on that day, he came home and moved plants outside the bedroom stating that plants needed more sunlight she helped him in shifting those pots, there were 3 plants in their bedroom, what happened to the plant, why was pot empty, who got dry leaves?

The Police was informed again they came with same paraphernalia again, the dog
squad and more people to investigate…Now my husband too wanted to investigate further

He called up the security person and asked him to recall what all had happened on that day, after his wife left for walk. He had seen her going for the walks and had also asked her "why was sahib not with her, and if he was unwell" he could not recall much may be he slept

He than spoke to sweeper, and asked about pots and plants he remembered very vividly that the day when all this took place and as there was police/ crowd he did not ask any questions but he did carry a well grown rubber plant and two broken pots and some dried leaves Watchman was prompt to add that he too had seen that "green plant" thrown but he wasn't sure who and when threw it there according to sweeper it was big enough and could not have been thrown from the balcony it was dumped near the garbage bin near the main gate of the building.

Mystery deepened further who was behind this . was this a planned murder???????

If the pots were shifted at night by both, who could have come after she left for
morning walks? Why only certain pages were burnt?  Did he burn those pages himself, after she left for the walk? As neighbours too had seen some smoke that morning? According to neighbours their was not much time gap between the fire/ smoke and her asking for help to open the door can some one hang  oneself so coolly when the  others are trying to  open the door? In the postmortem report; time of death was between 5.45to 6.15 am. 

The Police dog this time after smelling the pot and spending much of his time in balcony hovered around the cupboard barked endlessly at the almirah, his other findings suggested someone using window for movements? Who could have come in from window? How could he not get noticed? 

Was the plant thrown from window? His clothes and almirah was checked by
us again we found a lone photograph hidden (?) may be kept inside the locker
in safe who was this person? The photograph was of a young man in his early twenties and shocking thing that bothered me most was person in photograph had some similarities / resemblances with him person in photograph looked couple of
years elder to his son. So many thoughts crossed our minds though nobody said a
word eyes and doubts in them were same for all.

But this too did not take us any farther the same man appeared to be on our doorstep with some money which he had borrowed from him they had met while traveling and both were struck by similarities in them they looked like father- son pair, and during this journey after hearing his life story, and exchange of their photographs which was more to show/ share their similarities with each one's family, he had promptly offered him some financial help! This was so much like a fiction story and the young man was devastated to hear the facts about his death.

Strangely the mother son duo, were not aware of this she knew so many minuscule things about him, around him, about secretary, boss but for this! She was not aware of this transaction, though there appeared a bank entry of this in his passbook.

We planned to construct what all could take place in an hour if she left at 5.00
am and came back by 6.00 am and if the door was opened by say 6.25 am time of
death as per postmortem report was between 5.45 and 6.15 am. He could have been saved, had the doors opened earlier or if the keys were with neighbours. Why
was he reluctant in sharing the new keys? Was there any real security threat? What
made him change the lock? The broken door had too many finger prints and most
finger prints were identified yet a couple of them puzzled police but the
logical conclusion was, as there were  so many people trying to open the door it was possible that imprints were all mixed. There were no fingerprints on the rope no fingerprints in room. How did he manage to hang himself without any prints? How could some one hang oneself without touching the rope? Height of the ceiling- fan and bed was such that no one can actually die/ hang oneself that means he had pushed the beds to hang himself, who could have placed the beds back again?

Sweeper came at around 8.00 am, his usual time to pick the garbage and till than no one had noticed the rubber plant near the entrance of the building? Was it that someone came after this episode and tried to erase some impressions while others were busy with .who could have entered?

Police now started suspecting this new man they took his finger prints too! He was co-operating with police, and did not hesitate even once to give his imprints he wanted to help that man who as stranger helped him in his financial crisis can someone really give money in first meeting? Yes, resemblance in two of them was mind boggling Police did not find much from this interrogation, but I wanted to meet his family, his origin and I continued my probe with him, he may have sensed this and his entire family visited us within 2 days, including his in-laws!!  

His son, shattered by this episode he loved his father and worshiped him as GOD, too was kin to know more about this man. His resemblance was so much that police thought of him as his elder son! This statement was kind of bothering me and I was ashamed of my own thoughts when my friend was alive and was in his prime youth; than too I had never imagined or doubted him now after his mysterious death, and this man I was lost

His wife had to be admitted to the hospital, trauma and recent developments had un-stabilized her. His son pleaded me to be with them for some more time. His only hope was me ailing and lost grand parents, shattered and broken mother and he, who had become overnight matured; he no longer looked a man of 22 Office, Police, Insurance, friends, and un- answered questions had added some years to his life in a week's time.

Search, and reconstruction gave another shock to all of us, the duplicate set of keys were missing, so were keys of the bank locker, and when the bank was contacted for the details and lodging the complaints, locker was operated and records showed that he was the one who had gone to the bank and operated the locker in the afternoon at around 2.00pm just a day prior to this episode! This was a strange finding! No one seem to know about this, his driver said that they never had been to bank in last fortnight, office too was sure that he was never left from his office or had any unscheduled meeting, nor cancelled any . office people were sure that all his appointments transacted as per schedule. Bank official were sure that unless the signature matches, the lockers are not operated and in any case they knew their customer!

Change of lock was not even known to his son; he was busy with his internship and
mostly stayed at the college hostel like most other boys. Carpenter who changed
the lock was known to the family for at least a decade.

Once the locker was broken by bank and police authorities to everyone's horror; locker was empty! all that was there in locker was gone though mostly jewellary, but certain documents, property related papers and some silver utensils It was so difficult for his son list what all was therein and she was like I do not care my losses are bigger than that wealth The Locker, like her eyes stared blankly at us their emptiness was as vast as the question who did this! What all is gone I thought flashed my mind too does any household have a check-list which could be a guide to survivours after such shocking events!

That evening, their next door neighbour came with evening newspaper, he was serious and showed an ad in the news paper, front page  in the box, which any one could hardly ignore, had address of their flat on sale, advertisement bore his name and telephone address. Were we to expect phone calls for property on sale now? Mere thought sent shivers in my spine My husband and his son were the only brave people trying to understand all that had taken place in last ten days Police tried to locate the source of advertisement, and this was from his office who from the office could be behind this? Office records showed that no one had ever contacted this evening newspaper even on telephone! We were terrified now; if not for others I was for sure, not sure what will follow next

The Trio:-
The trio, were very happy now. The supplier had begged the contract and this ensured wealth enough to last two generations for him. The secretary had decided to marry the boss. According to her, she always looked for a father figure and hence the age difference hardly mattered. Her family was not present for this wedding nor did they support her stand. The Boss was happy man now; he found a young girl that too after so many years; who was almost half his age young wife he always dreamt off Three of them had a common secret the one who knew their secret was dead, having hanged himself, for no reason they felt relieved little aware that soon they will be part of a storm and their lives- relationships will be at stake.  Their statements were now to go against them and who will believe them that they are not the real culprits, though they shared common secrets.  And will they all together with his family, ever find the face, the man, and the reason behind this?????

-: The Last PTM:-

 

 

I lost my control and as if it was a reflex and habit for me I slapped the teacher I slapped her hard ! The sound of it made me realize what I had done and the future implications of the same I shouldn't have done that I said "sorry" I joined my hands and touched her feet and I left

It was the sound of slap that brought me out of the trans I was shivering, cold feet, and did not know what to do next . teacher  in front of me was now surrounded by team members and they were trying to figure out what happened for them they had just heard the "shot" before they walked inside .and amidst the chaos I left fuming people around me were too stunned and were not even in a position to move, may be they wanted to catch/ capture me and hand me over to police but could not take any actions nor could they decide what to do next.

I went up to my vehicle and drove endlessly . I was lost, disillusioned by life ' the society-school, teacher and the way they were treating parents parents like me SO   what if we were not so educated like others, like other parents of school so what if we were not highly qualified and well placed in society but we too are an integral part of the society.. It's all kinds that make the world and we are not?? "Dangerous people" my mind was brewing with thoughts and head was about to explode . I just parked my vehicle in the parking lot and rested my head on the steering wheel this is what I remember of that day .Is this how a school should treat a parent who drives Ambulances, or to say specifically carries "dead" to crematorium?

How I reached home is still not known to me, but when I reached home a crowd welcomed me there were Press reporters and Police I was arrested for slapping a teacher and I knew the
headlines in the news paper next morning

·       
Do we deserve this for building the future leaders of the society?

·       
 Is this what the society has to offer to the noblest profession on this earth?

·       
What has this society come to?? Policing needed in the school PTM?

·       
Now a parent assaults a teacher!! As if students playing truant was not enough

My neighbor's were shocked and so were my co workers my boss was there at the police station and he was the one who helped me most in getting the bail .Everybody asked me the same question again and again with increasing disbelief "Did you really hit the teacher ." and "I cannot believe that you hit the teacher ."

I tried to recall what had happened prior to my actions on that day

I was called for a parent teacher meeting. My child was not doing so well in studies; he went to a private school. This was his fourth year in this school. When we shifted in this area,
he was enrolled to school in grade 2 that particular year. I had briefed the Principal, Teachers and Support Staff about the trauma that my child had been through and I also shared that "our's was a single parent home". I had lost my spouse in a fire mishap that had gutted so many homes in our
locality and may be our's was the only house where there was minimum of loss, only one life . While all others had a story to tell rather, horror nightmare to share I had gone out with my child for a movie, may be that saved us both. My wife was not interested in the movie and preferred to stay at home to treat us later with a surprise meal.  When we reached home what we saw was just ashes.  Fire/ flames still haunt my child. My child remained dazed for months missing his mother; "trauma" is what his case paper said. I too was disturbed and together, we were trying to build our home again in a new locality; Away from the Past. All this was told/ informed to school and school promised to support us, to rebuilds our lives.

On that day, when a tanker with petrol collided with an electrical pole near our locality, people could barely escape the uncontrollable fire caused by spilled petrol spreading everywhere almost 80 people were roasted alive that day My child felt guilty, guilty that he agreed to the fact that two of us would go for the movie, he wished/ longed to be with his mother he was barely 8 years old then
I too suffered the guilt feeling .But all that is past

I worked with "emergency dept" as driver who carried people from accident sites to hospitals and emergency wards, or the dead, dead bodies to crematorium. I was on emergency call .as Always I wonder why and how these many accidents take place everyday. With these many safety norms and rules, why people still manage to be in these situations . Also how these accidents and
mishap change the lives of people involved. I see dead, nearly dead, crippled or sufferings everyday.

My child most of the time was alone, he now was lonely and was into a shell which was becoming like back of a turtle appeared strong from outside but soft from inside. He knew my job was differently demanding most of the times I reached home to leave again one never knows
when will an accident take place and one never knows if that person  will make it to the hospital or not

During each funeral processions, the road seems never ending, though its the same, same lanes, same busy traffic most of the times as we wait at the corner of the lane for the dead body to be brought to the vehicle we hear the "cause of death" and it's the metallic thin wall that separates the
driver and the cabin, us from the emotive family But do we really drive the vehicle, without emotions? Specially when people with us are so charged up with emotions, the journey through these eyes and in ambulances are very different on otherwise busy roads Does one ever think of all these things?  Maybe grieving is very personal

That day, when I reached school,I was late by 20 min. I was on duty, the funeral procession was delayed the person dead, was a very young man who was not even married, was the only son
and mother did not want to part with the son it was heart breaking . to see the poor father trying to keep his wife away from the dead body who himself was not aware as to what should he be doing, being with spouse who needed him most or we were mute witness to these episodes almost everyday. I could not tell anyone that "please hurry up" ' I need to be there in school for my child

I reached school 20 min late, the conversation started on a negative note no one asked me the  reason for my being late, this teacher showed in all possible ways, that she was unhappy as the meeting was delayed and now it would overlap with another appointment and the list of "issues" with my child were endless I was meeting this teacher for the first time, she had joined the school recently the way she looked at me, I understood that she was trying to be as polite as possible, she was uncomfortable talking to a person who was not even dressed like other parents, who looked, uneducated and was rather too simple,,, the security guards in school appeared smart partially
because of the uniform that was given to them.. I was not haggard but style, I could not even afford . may be she did not even know my profession I felt, had she known that she would not even talk to me

She started in an authoritarian voice, taking charge of the situation; very confident she ensured that my apology for being late was not even heard. Before I could complete   "I am sorry for being late " She just said, "Don't waste my time in these formalities" I have to complete this today and the list is too long  

"I am aware that your son was given admission to this school on humanitarian grounds, your son gets
concession in fees, while others in his class pay much more than what is paid by him mind you this is not scholarship " the way she said this lowered my self esteem. I was thinking of my child now what he must be going through in class everyday… She continued with same tone/ speed was this empathetic? Was this said as concern or mere fact?  She continued; about how my child has ' . still not come up to the mark in his class, and how he is the only one lagging behind in the class .how because of him the class average was going down and may be school results would get affected ' She said, '…it was a school meant for performers '.the monologue still continued now on my child's behaviour ' How he stares blankly at the teachers who are unaware whether he understood the concept or is lost '

I was not much worried, till last year there were not many  issue,  in fact all teachers, if they  had to say something  for him was, "loner- with poor- average academics" His class teacher was a gentleman and spoke affectionately. I doubt if he too knew me/ my profession, but he was like this to almost everyone; re-assuring to everyone about their own wards.

This teacher and her observations were different, I wanted to ask what were teachers doing to help him, wasn't this precisely is the job of the teacher, to help student to learn, work on his weaknesses and but I could not open my mouth, her confidence rather non empathetic stance overpowered she continued… "..He sits in the class like a statue, lifeless she said but that's no excuse to "just sit" .  She was getting angry now I wonder why he comes to school.  I doubt if she had detailed history of my child. She was talking about "now and then" situation. Everything was right in its own perception yet was not true, mere factual; it did not gel with the larger picture. I was listening quietly almost lost in my own world, not aware of what to do, say and help my child.

She started asking me questions like, ' do you teach him, do you spend time with him, do you take him out, do you ' it was more of accusation than that of question, also it was more of monologue wherein my answers were not needed I gathered courage and said , almost ordering her to stop She was taken aback; she sat uncomfortably in her chair and said

"Ok " what is it that you want to say

 

I wanted to start from the beginning, how my child came to this school, what kind of trauma was he going through, how I was able to spend more time with him I wanted to talk about the van that I drive- Ambulance , as driver, how we drive carefully yet filled with hopes from the site of accident sites, how on reaching hospitals, doctors and professionals take care, deal with the grave situations before, " No Hopes"- "dead" or for every critical case irrespective of cause of accident, mistakes, mishaps we never drive slowly or do our best if a driver who was speeding and meets with accident we are no one to decide, we do our best in any given situation

My child, certainly  was not so critical, he met with an accident long back, trauma of that event was shadowing him but he needed time, more time to recover, may be he was different than other kids of his age or what I go through when other in the lanes of the city drive for fun, joy, when I carry
dead to crematorium or when a marriage processions stops, for van to go further gives way to life .all these were in my mind but all I could say was

"Please try and understand him may be he is weak but ."

Before I completed my sentence she took charge of the conversation, again "you know your child cannot perform, he cannot be in this school, class, and he must change the school he is bad influence on others we do not want others to get affected by him . he does not understand, what we teach " she was again on her monologue trip

My child was not so bad, I knew about his academic weaknesses, but behaviorally he was kind, gentle and emotional with friends; though he had fewer; they loved him. In no way he was bad influence on any one . I felt strongly to protect my child I asked her again, what made her say "he was a bad influence" .

She could not just take this she felt challenged, she was at loss of words, she took a pause waited for some time and said firmly arrogantly

"Ok, I will explain it's like every one is running, you are in a race, race in your class, and he is slow, slow as dead , he is like dead body you have to be with him wait for him to reach a point, while others are already there . its not possible to hand hold all the time it's like, one has to be with the dead body to take care till disposed you feel sorry "

I could not hear further rather I did not allow her to complete, may be she wanted to say something different, may she would come to a different point and may be she was genuinely trying to
help me and my child .but the disgust and the way in which she started talking about my child and comparing him with dead my reflexes were sharp and rest is known to you all .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Story

 

It was my first visit to Boston, though I had been in this country for many years now, my relationship with this man was to bring in some spring in my otherwise dry life. I had made him the
most important man of my life I came as illegal migrant to this country from Argentina, and do not ask me how we reached Argentina from Ok let me not get into that past

I was looking through the window and as the never ending taxing of the plane ended I was the first one to get up, he looked at me questioningly, as if I was not aware of the rules of flying but our relationship was at that level of strange category wherein he could frame the questions but not ask them In all relationships how I wish, this stage stayed for a longer time.

He was taking me to his home for the first time, he was single and his mother was one who was pressurizing him for a wedding, unheard in this country. We knew each other for some years now. Initially it was an one sided love affair from my end. He wanted me to meet his mother; she was to approve of me, for my past was so glorious!! Was I nervous meeting his mother was I in a hurry to finish this visit? Why was my behaviour so strange ?

He was the third man in my life; I had met him first, on the first day of my job in his office and on the third day after I returned from my honeymoon, with the second man in my life. From the first two I have children. Rather I was not even aware of any thing that was happening to me when I first delivered, I was barely 13, my mother was single and a widow and we stayed in Afro-American area meant for poor I was shifted to juvenile home and after that I lost touch with my mother. She was not a bad mother, she was worried about me, my life, her life, and our never-seem-to-be-ending poverty my father was brought to this country and was promised safe arrival in USA by his agent. Little did anyone know that Argentina was not USA and life was to take sharper turns before we land up in this dreamland. After his death, how we reached USA was a mystery to me rather is still a mystery. When I look at my USA passport I wonder how my mother managed all that and that Afro-American locality

I was not aware of what happens in physical relationships, even the boy with whom "I slept" this is how it was referred after that for a long time  I was not  even aware it just happened one afternoon. We were part of a project," Cleaning Neighborhood". I was with him, we started talking about our school and life and as I still had some more time after the project, we went to his house and last I remember is we slept together next month he was to move to a different state as his mother, who too was single like my mother and had a job in a hospital. I came to know about my child in 10^th week of my pregnancy, my mother was shocked, abortion was not the option, and I did not remember anything about that boy except for his name. Also it took some time for me to really understand what was happening to me, my mother explained that "sleeping together makes a baby". When I next slept with a man, things had changed .

I am told that my mother died, I am not very sure whether she actually died or was dead because of the stigma, I started studying and may be because I was brilliant reached college.  I completed
my graduation and did my Masters with Law. He, the second man in my life, too was studying with me, may be my story/ past made him melt for me and though I was initially afraid of this relationship, eventually I got into it. I married him.

It was after our honeymoon when I started working with a firm, I met the third man of my life . he was "Prince Charming" how could no one ever fall in love with him. But apparently no one had ever fallen in love with him; he was a hunk, stud, names that one can think of I tried to dig his past was told that "he is mama's boy"! Exploring this man made me fall in love . I was suffocating in the relationship that I got into…

For hours I could stare at him, ogle at him, appreciate his long fingers and pink nails, broad shoulders and biceps his lean yet athlete like body I started thinking  of "sleeping' with him but was afraid of saying anything, verbalize my thoughts I was ashamed of myself how I could think of another man in my life, within a week after my marriage- honeymoon .. My husband was handsome man too! My friends envied me for finding such a hunk as husband but they had not seen my boss .

For some days when I did not get much for or against my boss, I started thinking that he was "gay" and checked with other employees inconspicuously about his "orientation". I was reprieved with the fact that my doubts were baseless.

I was so much engrossed in him that I started talking about him to my husband . I described him as a "man" he should know. Eventually both became very good friends and it was in the fourth year of our friendship, I blurted out "I like him' during a lunch meeting with a client.  I had one more child by now. He was shocked yet the ex-pression in his eyes said that he was "Pleased" I noted .

 I decided to divorce my husband for the first love of my life, my husband and he; both were shell shocked. He still wasn't aware that it was for him that I have decided to divorce my husband. My husband wanted to know the reason . and I had none what so ever he was caring, loving loved my first child too, his family was so supportive in fact they suggested if we could go for some Counselling. He checked with me if our married life was Happy!! I could not tell him that I
fantasize about my boss/ his friend during our intimate moments nor did I want to share my love for his friend.  I just remained silent. My husband never doubted me but our divorce strained my relationship with my boss too though he was never close to me, the distance grew he was more concerned for his friend.

He started looking at me "differently" after my ex- husband had remarried. This was "worth the wait". I met my ex- husband occasionally as he was father of my second child, there was no bitterness in my divorce, but somewhere it was hurting to both. After his marriage meetings became distant. My boss, now the third man in my life, my first love, changed. I had heard from the "love" of my life for the first time   I felt like a teenager I  wanted to tell the world that
I was in love my first child was half my age now and I kept my feeling under my wings I wanted 'him" to say something- to initiate the talk, lead the life for me and the path was painfully slow .Or was there more pressure on him from his mother He confessed once to me that he liked my company and this changed my life .

He once, started talking about his house in Norfolk, town that touched the Atlantic Ocean. He was
talking about his past for the first time to me .how from his house he "saw" the light house the beautiful light house in otherwise grey and cold winters and how he imagined a "light house" in his life which he saw in me on the day I joined but was disappointed to note that, I was newly married! His friendship with my husband was mainly to stay in touch with me/ us. He never wanted to harm us, and our relationship… Our divorce was disturbing but, satisfying event for him and now he was able to share his views about him with me

After we came out of the aircraft, I was more nervous, I found him serious and pre-occupied. As if this visit was a strain on him. His house was exactly the way he had described. His mother was not at home when we reached; I was admiring the light house with him. He, watching me I knew that and I watching the beautiful light house

The door opened quietly, I knew she had come . I waited for a while, for him to introduce me her gaze was piercing. It shook me. If felt guilty for no reasons I had never seen such powerful gaze; I tried to be normal and continued talking to her about weather and her house .

He was also uncomfortable; dinner got over quietly. I could not believe that she was the one who was forcing him to getting married. May be he had shared my past with her and she was uncomfortable with this. May be she was reluctant that her son gets married to a person who has daughter half her age .or divorced a husband for no reason

As if she was reading my mind she asked me about my daughter she wanted to know more about her, if she ever asked me about her father, about my marriage and subsequent divorce and reason I was getting tense as the question continued she wanted to know  more about who raised my daughter in her initial years, was my mother instrumental in he upbringing how close was she to my ex-husband, and if she calls him as "dad" and how they meet now I answered all questions with utmost honesty I never wanted to lie to her. In fact I never lied to anyone ever, to my mother when she asked me "with whom I slept" or to my daughter when she first asked me about her father

She asked me where I stayed as kid, whether I remembered the boy and his mother. I found questions strange. I had seen that boy, only once. We worked together for that project, on that day, may be the only reason I choose to be with that boy was he looked decent, and was not Black!  I had no clue whatsoever how and where he was I repeated " I slept" before I could complete she said…if I could  refer that as an accident . you are not to be blamed for what happened with you at that tender age .

 No one had ever talked with me about this issue in this manner not even my mother or the counselor at the juvenile home, for most girls " sleeping" was common it took them my childhood to understand that I was innocent but by then my childhood had  a curse I was a laughing
stock in classroom, size of my belly was talked every where I did not know whom to go and talk about my feeling, my counselor wanted me to "talk to my child" and I felt "no one hear me"

I was talking about those years of my life for the first time after may be I lost my mother I could talk to her she was later, but convinced that I was innocent I kind of relived those years.

He had never asked me about my past, I was rather blunt when someone asked about my children; I would blurt the truth without mincing words My ex husband, when we were studying together in college,  felt sorry for me sympathized with me and he fell in love with me, made me his life partner for me it was not love for sure. I wonder why I had committed marriage to him.

When I met him, in his office after I came from my honeymoon, I was transfixed, I was in love . I longed for him and it took me so many years to take the decision, and wait for him to approach me what made me wait? Why was he still unmarried? Why was he waiting for permission from his mother bothered me but never asked now that I was with his mother and she asked these questions ? I re-lived those years, agony that I went through and felt humiliated. Tears rolled my eyes

 

Is this the "price" one has to pay for being honest? I felt my decision to divorce my ex- husband for this man was wrong he or his family never "questioned" me rather they supported me, accepted me unconditionally here this lady was not only questioning me but also was trying to trace years that I spent after words. She wanted to know all about my life, my pain, all that was buried long back I was a different human being, had forgotten the scar that it left on me I felt victimized felt why would one want to know all this and hurt

I left the table and went straight to my room. The conversation stopped. There was pin drop silence and the mother son duo also left for their respective rooms.

Next morning we were to leave I wanted to be alone; I hated the man I loved I hated to be in this situation I craved to be with my ex husband his family "How could Love be so hurting" there were many attempts of conversation from mother and son But I was silent, did not speak to anyone, I was hurt I was crying bleeding I, myself was responsible for this in earlier situations I was not responsible at least! this feeling made me sicker and tears started rolling again I was meek- wek my strength and struggle of previous years had gone for a toss the question that bothered me was "What made me do this to self

We left I was all alone now he did not exist in my life as co 'passenger also.

I came home, my daughter looked at me my ex-pression said everything her hug said what words could never have communicated she was darling may be she was the only partner of the struggle that I went through and my soul mate May be we were more of friends than mother and daughter she kept comforting me and I kept pouring my heart out I was yelling screaming sobbing, we cried together for hours and slept in each others arms.

We got up late next morning; I did not want to go to that office ever again I was drafting my resignation my daughter came and gave me an envelope. I opened that it was a very short letter dated yesterday; I started reading it mechanically

    "Dearn Daughter",

I am glad that we found you . it was crucial  for me to ask those questions, to ensure that our wait, was worth. It wasn't like our attempts to search you we were unable to locate you and your mother Yes, My son was not aware of his actions he too innocently told me about, how you had spent that afternoon it was an accident. When his friend from the same locality wrote about "the girl with the belly" and how they left the place we realized . and tried to search for you and your mother he promised me to search "his Love- guilt" and only then marry or not marry ever.

It was after your divorce he told me about you, he does not know the reasons of your divorce, nor he wanted to disturb your married life, he in fact respected your husband for accepting you he watched his daughter from distance and did not want to harm your , his daughter, your relationship with your family .

 It was only after your divorce and your communication to him about "your love" towards him we decided the meeting. I am glad that we found each other

Rest of the words melted, there were many more lines . but they got washed away in tears my daughter, too was reading with me the door bell was ringing and so was phone may be a bad dream was over we hugged each other unable to decide the direction to follow…

 

 

 

 

 

 

-: Divorce:-

 

When
he came as Branch Manger in this town, everyone instantly liked him, pleasant
personality, clean shaven and well mannered. He spoke fluent English and had a
body language that typically showed arrogance. But his behaviour was
contradicting his body language, always polite gentle and that smile. Though
he was in his late fifties, I am sure people believed him to be in his forties.

 

The
day he joined, he made a speech, while taking charge from his colleague, and
our ex- boss. The gist of the speech was, "I am no nonsense type person and
together as team would show our strengths rather than factions that we usually
get into of class- I to IV, leadership positions, or administration and so on
I believe in talking straight, I do not need mediators to talk to the person
and I would love the same if one wants to talk to me, approach me directly."

 

Each
member of the group who attended this meeting perceived what he said; based on their
past experiences and the class they were serving in, peon of the office felt
"He will not last" while customer relation dept people were happy to have a
face which looked glossy!! Class three union people decided to be tough with
him as they felt that he was a management dummy and had a special task, to
clean the system. Likewise there were some neutral too they wanted to
experience him and were not in a hurry to rate him.

 

I
had no choice; I was his personal secretary and could not be on either side
though I belonged to a class and union! By the end of the next day, he lost his
cool when a union representative met him and tried to tell him how they, their
union only worked efficiently and how he could rely on them, he also offered
help in locating a house for him and invited him for Dinner that night. I was
listening till this point very intently, such conversations are very
entertaining and if documented may become the best of laughter shows.

 

He
received a call from zonal office during this conversation and they needed some
data, he passed the phone to me for the same and, that is how I lost the link
in the conversation . last I heard was him saying "thank-you, you may leave" a
bit rudely almost closer to insult. There were three versions of this meeting.
one that actually happened , one that boss stated and one that union leader
spread by word of mouth the last one was juicy and was entertainment for all
for couple of days. He was sick of it by the second day and said to me "Chor
hai Saab kaam to karma nahi hai or chale aate hai he would have continued
further but, may be he realized I too was from a union and this version would
create unrest he stopped.

 

 

By
the end of the first month, people found him, rude, arrogant and impossible to
deal with; somehow, I was saved from skirmishes and the only reason I could
think of for this safety was my English, may be I understood what he wanted to
say and in many cases I even became his translator. My colleagues found this
also strange that we actually had not many issues.  He stayed in guest house for a month, and now
was looking for a house in this city. Initially he wanted a two bedroom place,
but suddenly from last week, he asked me to help him locate a three bedroom
flat.

 

He
often would talk about his son and wife, how brilliant was his son and how he
topped this exam and got that scholarship and how his wife how is an "expert"
is busy and is in demand and finds it difficult to cope with all I his absence.
Staff was actually finding this part very difficult; they felt he was bragging
about achievements of his son, wife and some actually tried to find from our
office in that city if all that he claimed was true!

 

Most
things about him were true! Including the feeling that our office had for him with
addition of one more thing, that he never wants people to visit his home, His
professional and personal lives are different. This information relived most
and they soon started framing strategies to deal with his "idiosyncrasies". Now
our office was at war with him and it was fun to watch the issues that were
being raised He was always correct about policies, the way he worked, people
could hardly avoid work. Typically he would call someone appreciate his work
and efforts he put in office , check the pending work with him, and give him a
new assignment, if there was excuse or  pending work he would give them a  deadline and offer his personal help. In one
case he actually sat at the table of dispatch clerk and helped him post the
pending parcels. The dispatch clerk never refused work that was allotted him
after this and his desk never had pending work. Most people just offer verbal
help, He always did all that he could do help the person. Despite growing
disputes, and hush-hush tones talking about conspiracy against him, Branch in
the first quarter did very well.

 

With
me, he always talked during dictations that he gave , or while discussing
reports; between intermittent meetings and phone calls I too had found him
selfish egoist and person who never listened, he never asked me about my
family, children, parents he always talked about his son and wife mostly about
his mother/father.

 

Once
there was a silly typing error from my side, I accept it was my mistake and I
should have been careful, his reaction while pointing the mistake was "you are
also one amongst many- so what if I talk to you in friendly manner it still
does not give you any right to commit mistakes he went on and on I was
naturally hurt. I just left the cabin and sat quietly How could he be so
rude? Once he called me for a dictation, I was busy with something, and took
longer to reach his cabin, I opened the door, may be without waiting for his
permission he was facing wall, back at the door and was speaking to someone
over phone… conversation seemed 
intense. When he noticed me, instead of asking me to sit he yelled "get
out- I expect you to seek permission before you enter my cabin" I am sure the
person at he other end too heard this. I was hurt. I was disturbed with his
reaction and decided to keep distance in my interaction with him.

 

A
fortnight after this episode it happened so that we had to travel together for
the official meeting and though I was not entitled for a higher class he booked
me with him, we stayed in the same hotel shared the same room I found this
behaviour strange; honestly after that last episode with him I had changed.
With me, he was same and may be he was even unaware of what was in my mind he
was my boss not my friend that I could tell him that I was upset with his
behaviour. Five days together were totally different, I saw him from close
angles , his habits and his ways he was like that with his boss too in a meeting
he reacted in the same manner with his boss who very politely reminded him
about a training session they had attended together in past he was quiet. I learnt
a technique of dealing with him.

 

Evenings
on last two days were relatively free and he did lot of shopping, I was amazed
with all the purchases that he made for his wife and son. He was buying gifts
for them, like this was the last time that he was getting things for him. He
had to purchase two new bags. He was to come back after a week to office, he
went straight to his home from the venue and I had one week to tell the entire
office about his "love" for his wife and kids.

 

 

His
return got delayed by a week as his mother suffered a paralytic stroke, he was
visibly upset but he did not let this affect the work, next week he was again
on leave. Office was unexpectedly kind towards him, some actually called him up
and were pleasantly surprised when he answered their calls and was not abrupt
or rude.

 

Upon
his return, he looked preoccupied and was in hurry to find a place for him,
that week he concentrated only on shifting to a new place, he managed a cook
and a full time servant too later he told me that his parents were to shift
here and stay in this town on his own, he continued that his wife was
busy Getting more work, she got new projects and she was not able to handle
illness and work. He narrated in detail about how last fortnight when there was
hospitalization, she could not complete the assignments and she almost lost the
opportunity of life time. But eventually together they managed.

 

He
talked about their marriage and talked endlessly about their relationship. That
week , I was labeled as "best friend" of the boss and people wanted to know
more about his family , life, and his affair . with his own wife. Some were
jealous and envied him, some compared him with themselves and some decided to
change their relationships with their spouses! In fact lunch time now was
official "spouse- praise time" irrespective of gender.

Branch
continued to march ahead with new business, sales, profits and zonal office
seemed happy with this progress.

 

Finally,
his parents arrived in the city; I also asked him if I could be of some help.
He was sure that he did not want anyone to miss office and be with him for
shifting- unpacking. He shared with me that, cook will take care of lunch and
helpers will take care of unpacking was I supposed to share this information
with staff,  puzzled me ? He did not mention
of his wife and son coming with his parents in his talks.

 

It
was now almost a month and every thing appeared to be settled. He never invited
anyone to his place nor did he encourage if anyone mentioned. He would give
excuse of visit to doctors, physiotherapists and so on Some people from staff
wanted to check on information that they had got for him and were relaxed when
the information matched. They even checked with me, if I had that privilege!

 

Later,
that month he was to attend a meeting aboard, he was to be out of town for 8
days he looked tense, reason being who will be with his parents his wife could
not come as some evaluation team was to come exactly during that time his son
had exams and his sister was away on a holiday. First he planned to cancel his
trip, but may be his zonal office friends must have guided him against this as
this was his chance to get in touch with international branch officers and
staff, and he too was likely to get one in future. Ultimately he found one more
caretaker for his parents who would be with them at night also.

 

 

He
left for his 8 days trip, last day while he was leaving the office, I mentioned
that, he should not worry about situation here . "I would go everyday and find
out if they need anything" He said very curtly " thanks but even if you
cannot make it that's fine there are now 3 people to look after them may be
he was reading my face while he said this so at the end he concluded "What I
mean is you too have responsibilities and commitments but if can make it
once that would be fine" I cursed myself for the offer that I had made.

 

He
waited for my expression to change but I was stunned.

 

 

For,
first three days after he left, I was wondering whether I should be visiting
his place or not, later I decided to visit and took my wife also, she could
talk to his mother I thought .

 

 

We
found the place with some difficulty; he had given me a different lane number
and had forgotten to give his residential telephone number! We reached home,
the door was open. One old man was being helped by attendant to walk we
introduced ourselves and he let us in. They knew that I might come in !! This
surprised me House reflected taste the living room was well decorated. On the
bed in living room was his mother we sat and chatted for a while we talked
about whole lot of things, as if we knew each other for ages,  they both were craving for human touch, they
were really happy to see us. When we sought the permission to leave, both
requested to sit for some more time. His mother asked the attendant to get some
refreshment for us .

 

My
wife asked her about, their daughter in law- his wife and how envious was she
about her work and profile.

 

There
was a long pause, than she said may be he hasn't shared this with you, He is
like that only "Last year he got divorced he is very attached to his son, but
the custody of son is with her we do not know the reason of their divorce
because she is a good girl, she never wanted us to leave that house, and he
never wanted us to stay with her, specially after divorce. She is not even
working… I knew her from her childhood in fact we shifted to her house after
she lost her parents, as house was in very good locality. We sold our house and
moved in there. This is the reason after divorce we had to shift here we are
torn between two. We not only miss our grand son but also our daughter-in-law
One reason for him to take transfer to this place is divorce

 

Reason
of divorce is still unknown to us, but I know my son is eccentric My daughter
tried to intervene and now he has stopped communicating with her too otherwise
she could have come and stayed with us there were tears in her eyes we tried
to lighten the situation helplessly, not knowing how to deal with this
information.

When
we were to leave, she pleaded do not let him know that I have talked all this
to you, he does not like this he will suspect you of talking about his
personal life to all I am sorry I should not have said all this but I miss my
house, my daughter in law, I miss human touch, your wife reminded me of her I
got very emotional think this as request from a mother to a son

 

We
comforted her and promised her that this visit itself would be a secret.

 

I
was numb, my wife was shocked, we walked quietly back home. I decided against
the temptation of giving this information to people in the office, they would
have loved this story! I was feeling sorry for the old parents and did not want
to hurt their feelings. It took lot of my energy to go to office next day and
not to talk about this "gossip".

 

 

He
was back to office on scheduled date; I acted to be very serious and apologized
for not being able to go to his place as I had guests which kept me tied to my
schedules. He seemed very happy rather relived

 

 

He
said, Oh, don't worry about such small matters My wife and son, both were
here she managed to get some time off from her project,  my parents had gala time .in any case they
miss her more than me and you know about my shopping  impulse they all liked there gifts they
were thrilled they left by the morning flight I am glad that they could make
and were here they liked this house also very much. In fact my wife will join us here as
soon as the project she is involved with gets over I must find out where are
they now and he took his mobile out to call, he continued but I had stopped
listening to him blabber a long ago .I knew the reason for their divorce

 

 

 

 

 

-: Mystery:-

 

The parcel was now on my table; I was sitting
in the front yard of my garden and enjoying the autumn. Parcel had my name and
address and yet I was not very sure, if I should accept it- take it-open it…
the recent blasts in the city and one parcel bomb in the garden that killed
many, was reason enough for me to refuse the delivery The parcel from unknown
source had a defunct telephone number news paper clippings had said. Parcel on
my table matched the description.

 

The delivery boy looked puzzled. He was
the one who had called me to confirm our address and that's how I was waiting
for this unknown parcel. The delivery boy  was unable to answer questions I had , they
kept shooting from my side without waiting for any response from his, questions
like; from whom, where, which city, when was this parcel dispatched sent, what
are the rules for their agency to accept such parcels, sp. which do not have
complete details of the sender.

 

My wife reminded, I last week had sent a
parcel to her sister and had written only my mobile number… I did not send a
bomb… I shot back. Delivery boy was puzzled with our conversation and was
looking at us suspiciously- as if it was our business to receive the parcel
bombs! Instead of answering all my questions first he put me to his branch manager
and his rudeness hit me like the blast! As if I had accepted the parcel and
than opened it to explode on my face!

 

He simply shouted at the delivery boy to
leave the parcel and come back. They never wanted any hassles, and there were
many other waiting for him.

 

The size of the parcel was perfect for
radio bomb… I was still in two minds… suddenly the delivery boy dialed the
number that was printed on the backside of the parcel…. "The number is
switched off or not in the owner is out of coverage was the standard reply.

 

He looked a me like if I can  dial the number at my cost… cannot you
accepts the parcel… something in his eyes and in my heart happened at the
same time…

 

I accepted the parcel! With all my doubts
still intact.

 

 

I did not open it for next 24 hours and
had kept it in the backyard to explode…this was like a blessing for me
differently… my wife did not insist that I should clean the backyard….For
this strange reason I had started liking the parcel…

 

After two days… autumn leaves weighed
heavier than parcel and my wife started nagging me to either go to police with
parcel - or to throw the parcel in the local river and get back to cleaning
business…

 

 

On third day after I had accepted the
parcel and speaking about it in hush tones to almost all close friends and
listening to the suggestions given by them… for this simple retired person
the only option left, was to open the parcel

 

I opened it…. near the water tank and
ensured that there were at lest two witnesses… ensured that telephone was
working and if need be…. yes felt like talking to police and doctors at the
nearby hospital… but was afraid of the consequences.. Press- reports…

 

 

I opened it- when my wife was standing
next to me… she wanted to be together …but why were we so sure that it was
bomb? And it would explode? Bomb blasts in the city was now a week old and they
were not the types that I was anticipating… all of them if they were bombs in
parcel were in public places and had killed many. Only one of them was a parcel
in a bomb that a child opened….

 

I opened it…..

 

It did not explode.

 

 

Next couple of hours were spent calling
all the near ones and to all those who had given their opinions … telling
them the content of the parcel. most were shocked to hear that it did not
explode and yes, did not forget to say how foolish of me to think… what I was
thinking…forgetting that they too had added their two bits to the same.

 

 

I opened it and looked at the content…
they were looked at me bizarrely for them being so innocent and I being so
suspicious.

 

 

I opened the content- it was a diary-
more precisely it was a notebook, with neat hand writing and some pages looked
longer than the length of the page for the words it had on them, while others
were like too short for the page. Those words were starring at me.

 

 

For some strange reasons I started to
read from the last page, and it said

 

"I know you are convinced. You will help
me get the justice. Justice, if not for me… for my children…. please take
this diary to POLICE.

I have so much in me that I will explode
one day… I will be killed or murdered in a very short time from now, and this
death of mine; for society will be an accident…. like so many in past…. This
must explode!

 

 

I had opened the pages of harmless
looking dairy and words actually exploded at me , they were not silent, nor
just black,  they had power, they were
talking to me… ensuring me that I was a witness to a process which will help
someone get justice…

 

I was now cold and sat blank looking at
those printed words which kept falling from the top of the page and formed an
image on my retina and were now forming pictures….The last page of the diary
was one of those crowded pages, which had words in all corners; it looked like
chaos at traffic signal. Chaos of order (?)in writers mind… like traffic,
going in one direction yet appearing choc blocked  and at snails pace.

 

 

My wife was more interested in autumn
leaves, unaware of my mind and words that were forming images in my mind. Her
words were hitting me at different level and I was sure that she too was to
explode.

 

I started reading the last page again… I
was spellbound, I could not just leave the diary…  it was an emotional appeal, it appeared to be
honest account, it seems that some one needed help, justice. But why me? How
was I connected? I looked at the bottom of the page for the signature…
identity… I thought of reading the handwriting!! My professional expertise as
teacher and examiner failed miserably… handwriting was of a matured, level
headed person, almost printed kind of quality in writing and excellent command
over language… was enough for me to confuse myself further.

 

 

I decide to ignore the exploding voice
next to my ear drums and continued reading the page - last page again like the adamant
teenager who  does not want to change his
ways to get a different results and continues with he same old habits…. I
could have started with first page… glanced through, flipped through other
pages for the details…identity… but….

 

There was something on that last page, it
said about murder, saving life, justice for children… but nowhere had it
given identity of the writer, city, place, and other details. Note was
technically so neutral that if you would read it… you would feel that this
was one personal appeal to you. If you were in my place, I am sure you too
would get transfixed with the handwriting, thoughts, and content.

 

Why was this sent to me? Bothered me
again…. I decided to stop reading. I also decided to pay attention to my inner
voice; was I getting emotional? Am I getting carried away? Is this some kind of
trap? Or is this a case of mistaken identity, or contents of the envelopes were
changed…. Restless mind decided to act like wind… gathering flying things
from one place to another… even if it meant chaos at another place….I just
could not sleep that night… usually its snoring that keeps me awake and count
seconds… that night… my mind and thoughts were under fire….smog in mind
and fog outside ensured day break….I took the diary, locked myself in
study…. and read the last page again.

 

 

After a while I erased all thoughts,
images that I myself had formed… ensured that it was like clean slate… I
told most students who came to me, start afresh… I attempted the same, realizing
how difficult it is to erase anything that you have created… you start liking
you flaws too ."possession" even on thoughts is a danger that forces mankind to
become rigid. I too was human being… but decided to follow the advices I gave
to all around me…

 

Notebook read like this…

 

 

Day-1- The Home coming:-

 

Cold, ice-cold reception was expected by
me upon my arrival, my arrival in this house was a very special occasion for
this family and for me too. I was duly briefed for the same, but still I had
hopes and some images of family members, as painted by him for me…. “A
warm family who was very closely knit and who always supported everyone”. Being
a person from different religion can be reason enough for others to get cold.

 

Their coldness was unnerving, I felt like
piece of furniture. My arrival to this family is engraved in my mind. We stood there;
feeling of reaching home was the only feeling that showed on our faces… I
could hear the door bell ringing inside and my hear beats loud and clear. He
stood calm, strangely calm at the door of his own house, waiting for the door
to get opened. There was a LONG gap as if someone was deciding against opening
the door, once opened, it appeared as if it was automatic… no human image
emerged from any where… we stood there for few seconds waiting for some reception and
than he lead me in… Grand Hall of this beautiful apartment had mannequins…
they did not blink, speak, talk, laugh, greet… this made me think if I was a
statue myself… he just pulled me  …
escorted me straight to room allotted for us, his room in that house. That was
his room our world.

 

 A
note at the door said "Just be here always”

 

 I
felt touched, it was so refreshing, ensuring, thought the reception was
deceptive and may be a prank I unnecessarily doubted family, I must change my
thinking and should not form images… I was about to smile and thank him for
bringing me in such a beautiful family, when the explicit meaning was told to
me by him…” do not enter any other areas…..room seemed prison to me.

They succeeded in their plans, if at all
they made …because actions from family members were not synchronized yet they
appeared rehearsed.

 

The coldness left me NUMB, by Boldness
dipped forever. This was my first day as daughter in law of this house. I was
married to their son. We practiced different religions. I was not acceptable
primarily because of these differences. 
We had talked about the same initially, he was determined like them, not
to change his decision, commitment to me, an orphan.

 

 

 

 

I read the page glued… to my chair, the
wrought iron chair and steaming hot cup of tea was cold…ice cold or me ,I
finished that one cup  in a gulp, one go…
I felt the cold ness of tea down my throat I could feel the numbness that was
described… was I sweating or getting cold hands and feet reading this
description? I forced myself not to get emotional, try and paint any picture in
my mind… But who was this? Why me? Still continued….

 

 

Some time after a fortnight:-

 

I had pushed the plates out side the door
after the dinner; it came at the same door every day at the same time without
fail.  Twice, two plates, in the same
quantity in the same plates, I had not seen face of the person bringing food,
nor the person taking the plates. I was not to know this. that was not my
business, this was the rule of the house…

 

"always be here” was affecting me
now…. I asked him for the first time…"how long wills this continue"? His
reply was simple… "Till your life time…."

 

Will they harm me? Came the question,
which I aborted on my lips, he knew what I wanted to ask… He said nothing
giving back that look which was not even assuring. Though He was permitted to
eat outside, mix with them, he preferred to be with me almost always.

 

This was a great assurance.

 

That day loud noises were heard, he was
restless, as if he had some idea of the discussion that was taking place in the
Grand hall. He was sitting next to the door, guarding may be, as if wanted to
jump in the conversations at any time…

 

 

After a while the noises seemed to settle
and as I was thinking about the probable reason, the door opened with a thud,
some one was in front of me with a GUN- or was it a pistol…. a shot…thud…
and stare from those anger boiling eyes.. And he was trying to push him aside
this was first person from this house who ever came so closer to me . pistol did
its work

 

I just drooped to the ground dead….

 

I had fainted…. actually I still was
alive?!!

 

I missed first date with death that day.

 

This was also my first outing after I was
received in this house… to the hospital, where white looked more colorful to
me… I felt like a human. No one was next to me, not even he…

 

Fear griped me, fear of being alone, fear
of being duped, dumped, I wanted to say my prayers… but just could say, not
that I did not remember… but for the fear of being from another religion and
if someone hears it!! Fear griped me again I just could not even press the
button to call the nurse, and fainted again… I do not know for how long was I
in this delirium condition, but when I opened the eyes… He was there….
talking to doctor… about my health.

 

I was diagnosed as a patient of schizophrenia. I screamed to
say "NO"…as if that was going to help,  doctor looked convinced for his diagnosis and strangely
he looked assured… that helped all get away from police and attempt to
murder.

 

I
was more confused. Was this a conspiracy?

 

Two
days later I was discharged.

 

I
was not willing to go to that place; "always be here" was haunting me but no
other door was open that day the door bell rang for a longer this time, wait
outside  in the lobby was longer, he was
more restless standing next to me. It was his idea to comeback here moreover I,
did not want to see myself getting into this mess. I knew, I was not promised
rose garden, but felt "orphans" too have dignity!  Except for this word there was no other flaw
in me religion I practiced was given to me by the institution that took care
of me, I firmly believed in the religion that was being followed there . never
questioned my origin, nor thought of changing the same for any reason '
purpose

 

 

The
door opened ultimately, this closed the other doors which opened up after ours,
was taking a bit longer to open. till now , I only had to deal with stare but once
the door behind me was closed, "Coldness" hit me again, I craved for those
starring eyes, they seemed warm, had questions in their eyes, wanted to talk to
me, looks from the windows were trying to communicate, than this cold look,
that was suffocating. The warning at the door now read,

"Be
always here- Take care"

 

He
seemed to be taking more care of me, he was with me most of the time, food
appeared in the same fashion, but this week  noises coming 
after dinner were louder, frequent. A week after I came back from the
hospital, he for the first time said.

 

 

Let's
go .

 

 

The
firmness in his words were same when he had said; "let's get married"

 

We left with one bag each, in any case I
had no belongings, just one bag which was necessity and my worldly possession holding
his hands this time seemed so familiar, his touch and my smile said our decision
was perfect.

 

May be the sound of door opening, made
others understand that something happened, size of the bags and the backs at
them communicated the decision loud and clear. No one asked him to stay, nor
did they worry about the destination may be he was hurt, but did not say so

 

When the door at my back closed- chapter
in my life was over. My dreams of having a home, family, life and love from near
ones was as shattered as when I first realized the "home" which meant
institution for me I had craved for years, waited for for someone to walk up
to me, like me, hold me and say . "She is my daughter from now"

 

But nothing happened . .

 

Nothing of this sort happened till he
came in my life 20 years later.

 

 

We started walking, together for nowhere
to go.

 

 

The notebook was blank for a while had
some "scrape" and life looked stable till I come to this page

 

 

After six months;-

 

That day we walked almost for six miles
silently, each step we were forgetting the days we spent there, we were
together, yet silent, yet talking , conversing in our minds,   and
dealing with our own fears, and looks that ensured each other that road ahead
was safe passage.

 

Between two of us I had some money from
my earlier job, for him he never got paid from family business individually, he
could spend any amount for his desires . Family had made it very clear that "I
was not and could not be his desire"

 

 

Amount in my bank was enough to create
ripples of insecurity and yet that amount stood there like him, walking next to
me, assuring that things will fall in place.

 

Things actually started falling in place.

 

we walked to railway station, tickets for
first destination that struck him took us to 
a new city, stayed in a lodge for 6 days bank balance was going down
like my confidence in self in that house he kept assuring that things will
fall in place.

 

I was the first one to get a job my earlier
experience of working with young minds assured the next few days. He was happy
for me but inability to get occupation for himself was speaking volumes from
his eyes and hollow words congratulating me .

 

Next we moved into a house, this was my
first home. We both missed "family". I never had one and experienced one, and
for him this was totally new experience We could have stayed in this city for
our life time .it was almost six months in this city.

 

till one day , while going for a movie we
were missed by a speeding truck, we just managed with some minor injuries,
truck driver was drunk may be there was no reason for that truck to come from
opposite lane , in wrong direction and

 

He just said, "This was for you, they
have located us" remarks puzzled me, how did he know? May be he knew his family
better. He was holding my hands ensuring safety, togetherness and what else I
could ask for from life?

 

For days we did not speak, he was not responsible
for anything, yet he could not look into my eyes, it was his family- strange
family that wanted to separate us. I hated the word "family". All he said was "I
will protect you as long as I can" .next month we moved again.

 

 

Our First fight:-

 

We moved this time we were less insecure,
shift in way was smooth. We were comfortable with our finances now. He still
worked as freelancer, may be he could never accept working under anyone, he was
employing people under him earlier freelancing helped his ego.

 

We both loved children, I for a different
reason; I wanted children so that they never have dry dreamless eyes, devoid
looks, and uncertainty which I had been through. He wanted kids for unconditional
love, accepting them as they are, for all their choices and decision they take
he was unable to reconcile with the fact that his "warm' family was so "cold"
towards me.

"Family" with two different meaning for
us both, was last on our priority we Never thought of children never planned.
Never felt the need.

 

Yet, when we had our son after 3 years of
our wedding. It was after his birth that we fought, reason was simple.

 

I was insisting that he should inform his
family about the Grand 'son. I was sure his mother would melt, he was close to
her. He always talked about her, similarities between them and relationship
that they shared till I entered his life.

 

He missed her. He never called, wrote to
them, but I knew, he needed them.

 

It was "we" who sent a joint letter
addressed to all in his family, announcing arrival of the bundle of joy for
us . and we waited for long time for a response from that end.

 

A registered parcel greeted us almost
after a month from his family.

 

I was overjoyed to get the response and waited
for him to open he same in the evening. He was busy with a project and our
roles had changed for a while. He worked and I was nursing our son.

 

He too was thrilled to see the envelope. But
the happiness was so short lived that I felt sorry for what my suggestion had
put him into.  All that this letter
contained was legal notice; debarring him- me- son from any property related matters.
The notice was like separating child from mother, cutting the umbilical chord. The
only difference being in the earlier case child survives and starts breathing
on his own, here it was chocking.

 

He did not know how to control himself,
first he was furious raged, screamed, shouted at me, later cried inconsolably
my fingers moved in his hair, helplessly- showing care and concern, I wanted to
say " I am there for you" but was afraid to say anything Hurt him . nor wanted
to loose him. Our fight was not on the outcome of the letter sent, but on why
in first place did he listen to my advice.

 

It than slowly unfolded upon me, I always
followed him, he took decisions for me, protected me always. He was there like
a wall. I loved that protection. I had craved for that feeling. Or the first
time he had followed something which I suggested, related to his family.

 

Was he sure of the outcome? Or did not
want to accept? I could not ask him anything.

 

It took less this time to reconcile, our
son bridged the rift, and we soon were into our own world.

 

 

The First Letter:-

 

His work as freelancer was not rewarding,
my work made our living. But this never bothered anyone. We switched our roles
depending upon his work. Taking care of kids, in that sense, our roles, work,
money was never a matter which usually baffles most couples. Yes, we now had a
daughter too. We adopted her. May be he was a rebellion; He wanted to adopt a daughter
from different religion, different than that we both practiced. We looked more
like a Secular Nation than a family. We never forced our religion on our
children too. Was he taking revenge in this manner for the treatment that he got
from his family for getting married to me? But I could never ask this question.

 

One day he showed me a letter, Letter
from his mother.

 

He was thrilled, he was happy like a kid;
who gets a chocolate without actually asking for the same. Joy was visible and
all over him. The letter had just his name and a telephone number, and he had
already called once, but the call was not answered. He looked very different to
me that day. As if he had found something that was lost may be letter from
mother was, his craving, was this first sign of acceptance? Many questions . But
I just wanted his "Joy" to be unconditional. I had never seen him so happy
after our marriage. He was committed to me, but the lightness in his actions was
different on that day.

 

 

I was happy too. He said, good that you insisted
that we send that letter.

 

Our phone rang at an unearthly hour, I
was next to the phone, and I picked up and said a groggy "hello" . phone got
disconnected. He was fast asleep I thought of waking him up I remembered the
accident that took place almost forgotten now, fear drenched me in sweat,
before I could really think further phone rang again, I had no energy left in
me to pick that call I let it ring .

 

He suddenly got up, saw the expression on
my face, picked the call and was relived .it was she who only wanted to say
"hello" to her son only .

 

Phones never bothered me again, sometimes
they would come twice/ thrice in week and sometime it would not ring for
months His mother was not keeping well, and his sister had moved in from
another city, father was still the same. As if; though a decade had passed,
time did not move for that house/ family. Calls that she was making were not
known to anyone. She just spoke to him, never with me, most of the time these
conversations were silent ones as if the call was made to ensure that he says
"hello" and just to listen to the normal breathing!

 

Phone calls changed him; he looked
relaxed for days after the call, the difference evident from his ever radiating
eyes, voice and actions.

 

 

It all stopped one afternoon, when  unidentified people came home , threatened
him, ransacked the house, I was at work, my kids witnessed the violence and he
was helplessly looking at them and trying to console them he could not say
much about who they were though he knew who had sent them. Kids did not let me
go to work for one full week, they were just by our side, and a knock was
enough to scare them . He was lost again, joy from his actions disappeared
again and more he stayed home, less money we got and that made work compulsory
for me, for kids, for our survival.

 

 

He never left me, never blamed me, nor
coerced me to go back to his home/ town, rather with every threat; he became
more protective and fierce in his actions of protecting his family.

 

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

 

 

 

 

I had to stop reading now, was it
fictional or real? any which ways it was part of happening of someone's life,
but looked unreal. Yet by now, I had started creating a mental map of this
person, what still puzzled me was her name, identity, religion she practiced
and cities that she was mentioning, the way notebook was written made me
portray this person, her family, members of the family, I also felt as if I was
witness to "cold" reception that she got on day one. I was trying to be neutral
yet was getting carried away with the emotional details, but over all she
looked happy to me. Most women would want a man who takes a stand and stands by
it.

 

Here was someone who actually had a
husband which many had just dreamt was she complaining?

No, she certainly was not complaining, it
was narrative she just was narrating some episodes, which she felt were worth!
I started admiring this girl, her journey from orphanage to working women who
was supporting a family. Question that I still did not know and struggled with
was; who this person is and why was this dairy sent to me.

 

I was reading and re-reading some parts,
I tried to investigate, find faults with story. I could find many like; it did
not mention any friends, no relatives, 
no connections from people from earlier life, no friends for her husband,
no help when they left the house, when they were first attacked so many more
questions . yet I was reading it.

 

I was sure that this was not
investigation report, I had no reason to doubt the contents, I could have
stopped reading the same further and just thrown the book as suggested by my
wife. It was diary, a narrative, persons emotional companion, a non judgmental
approach to reading was what it needed. It was written in a non judgmental way.
She had never mentioned her personal feeling about his family, nor she had ever
expressed regret of getting married to him and giving a life devoid of family,
which she craved.

 

I even told some parts of the dairy to my
wife, she too seemed touched by the episodes and somewhere helped me formulate
a feeling that I must continue reading, do not form opinion, and read it rill
end to find the meaning till the last page. I went back to the diary

 

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

Hopefully the last shift:-

 

We moved this time not for threat or
attempt on our/ my life but this time, I found better opportunities at work. The
new place also seemed better for him and his freelancing work, it was a bigger
city and farther from his town.

 

On the last day before we were to move,
he was at the phone at odd hours, waiting for something he called up his
mother and told her about the shift. He gave his mobile number to her. He just
looked at me, a blank look; not seeking approval nor for a nod… we did not
say anything. Somewhere though I was happy that he called her up, and was
scared too for the unknown, for his families past behavior. Strange question
bothered me, though I never doubted him or questioned him for this, how did he
know that only, she would pick the call? Time of call? Was she alone that day?
It was between mother and son in any case.

 

 

Life seemed settling; little does one
know what is in store

 

 

The Call and beginning of End:-

 

That day, we had decided to take our son
to planetarium who was now 7 and our daughter was about 4 years. It was a dream
outing for our son as he was the first one from his class to be at the planetarium
and experience skies! we locked the house, all excited and as we were leaving,
his mobile rang . he picked up the call without looking at the number .he still
was telling our son about the movie at the planetarium.

 

He stopped walking, kids also could see,
feel the tension on his face. He was listening just listening .his expressions
changed frequently, he was angry, concerned, furious but there were no words
to express all that. Just a couple of words and his final closing statement
was loud and clear almost shouting "it will be all of us together" not me
alone . and he switched off.'

 

All of us just followed him, back inside,
before I could ask him the matter phone rang again. This time I could hear male
voice shouting at him cursing him and he just was listening . at the end he
again said the same.

 

it will be all of us together" not me
alone . and he switched off."

 

Phone rang again and he smiled
faintly asking us to pack, we would leave for his town immediately. On our way
he told me that first it was his mother who wanted him to come and meet him,
her condition was deteriorating slowly she wished to see her son her son
only. Other two calls were from his father, he was fuming, and did not want him
to come, and come with me, at last he succumbed to his wife- may be her last wish,
which made him allow this concession.

 

I just asked him, why was he not willing
to go alone? He looked puzzled, He was not very sure whether information about
mother's health was correct and in his absence, actions from his family he
just could not complete

 

My Reflection:-

 

Can practicing different religions bring
so much of hatred amongst people and close relationships can hatred stay for a
decade with same intensity? Whose religion was great? One whose son was keeping
his promise given to his wife? Or religion of a family who distanced their son,
even attempted on his life?

 

 

He still was talking to me about family his
mother and his childhood he did not want to loose her he wanted her to bless
him and his family, he wanted her to "see: me at least once, "talk" to me at
least once now that she was dying. He was very emotional and very rational at
the same time . this puzzled me? Can one be so levelheaded?

 

He warned me/ kids about "cold"
reception. Kids just followed instructions; in any case for them all this was
so new .

 

 

The cold reception:-2

 

The building was same, may be painted, I
was not scared like first time, I was anticipating same reception, worst may
be, hence I was more observant this time. He was close to the door; I followed
him after couple of steps and kids behind me. Door took longer to open as usual;
only he was taken in we were instructed to stand there by a lady, who
resembled like him I noticed that in my first stint in this house I was too
scared I had not seen faces, I was scared to "look" at them, I was confined to his
room, and no one ever came to me not even in hospital

This time I was not scared at least I
was proud & confident of my husband his support, this reflected in my
behaviour, I looked up straight into the eyes of the person at the door, I
noticed that she too was trying to "look" at me.. Place me… may be she had
"seen" me earlier and was trying to measure me up our eyes met and before we
could exchange glances and may be smile . she was pulled by someone and door
banged closed on us . He was inside we were outside I was not alone this
time, I had my two kids, they were dazed, and my daughter started crying   I saw her for the first time and last time
that day; at least this is what I thought.

 

We cringed into each other, I was trying
to console comfort them helplessly my situation was no different than theirs
without saying anything I continued stroking their heads. The doors and windows
from the neighbourhood now had faces were they the same like earlier episode?
This question brought a faint smile on my face people get to see what others
want to show Strangely my husband showed meaning of word, courage, care,
support that went unnoticed through the same doors and windows.

Door opened again after may be two min.
but this seemed so long for me, he appeared at the door and I was relaxed, kids
ran to him but weirdly they stopped at the door and waited for him to come out
before clinging to him. .May be I was the only one who was noticing all this

 

 

We were to be taken in! Was the decision,
as I entered, I saw how big was the Grand Hall it still had no people to
receive us, as if unexpectedly everyone had disappeared. I was looking here and
there noticing few frames on the wall and family portrait He was all over on
walls, tables, in   ways may be this was their way of showing
warmth- care! I had mixed feeling as I entered the room, it was same ' this
really amazed me life had come to full stop in this house ten years ago. I remembered
everything that was there in this room, I could actually recall thee position
of object that were in that room without using GPRS I had spent a fortnight
in this home/ prison .bitter memories filled me eccentrically I was feeling
guilty too for separating a son from family .

But honestly had I known that our
marriage is to cause this turmoil, I would have never craved for a family. He
always, talked passionately about his family and I was just longing to be part
of the same till one day religions that we practiced shattered my dreams and
his position from his own house.

 

Instructions at the door were same . but
this time I ignored Kids were following me like shadow. I decided to locate the
kitchen as kids were hungry but before I could make that move, food for kids
he was there with food.

Next day, kids were still sleeping, he
asked me to follow him, and we went to his mother's room. She looked beautiful
in her illness too, her beauty struck me .I was tempted to compare myself with
her my thoughts surprised me was I competing with her? She asked me to come
closer to her . I bowed my head reaching closer to her her frail hand was over
my head .

 

A mother had touched me for the first
time. I was deprived of this touch I smiled back, wanting to say so much, I
was proud of her son I was guilty of snatching her son I was ready for any
compromise but religion had played villain in our lives I wanted to be there
all my life the touch was divine.

 

I joined my hands and was about to say my
prayers for her, for her recovery, she looked touched by this gesture… when
he almost  pulled me back from the bed
and we went back to our room reaching there, though I was shocked by his
actions and force in his actions I realized that it was not for prayers that
he pulled me he wanted his mother to see me bless me and he wanted no body
to know about this absolutely on one he did not want more issues at this
time he was tense but did not show, talk about his feelings. From where did he
gather this strength? May be for me survival instinct was the reason, rejection
was what I experienced immediately after birth and since than but for him
life was so different. What made him so rough, determined? He had already left
the room to be with her

 

Before the breakfast time, I was again
summoned by him, we went in that room again, she looked different this time she
looked strange and all her warmth that I had witnessed had disappeared. He was
near her feet, I stood next to him. There were many people standing nearby, one
of them was certainly the same sister who had opened the door, I had no courage
left in me to look up and stare at them, though I tried hard .  I could feel eyes preying me dissecting
me .His father was also there facing the wall . he did not even want to face
me!

 

His father ensured that I heard his comment ."
its her illness that ahs weekend me and you are in this house, but I promise I will
take revenge for what you have done to us"

 

Silence in the room was deafening, each
one could hear the breathing of another his mother started crying . she called
me near to her said in a frail voice, "Ignore his comment, he loves him he is
a warm person after I am gone promise that you will take care of him he is
lonely and words were falling apart she looked at me

 

I said yes, loudly- ensuring he too had
heard what his wife wanted as a promise from me I felt close to her. I touched
her forehead and kissed her gently her breathing became irregular I looked at
him he realized what I wanted to say I left the room Later she was shifted
to the hospital she was sinking late that evening I was again taken to the
hospital, she took my hands in her hands, and closed her eyes forever .

 

I was uncontrollable I lost mother
again this time after a very brief encounter…

 

 

I was hated for snatching her son and here
the lady finds me worth giving her life in my hands I decided to fulfill her
promise.

 

 

 

We were sent back soon. On this journey
back home I met Ma ' Baba in train. Kids started calling them grand pa-
grandma.

 

 

He too was lost, missed his mother we
had her photograph in our house now; I could look intently at her for hours. Kids
were still dazed with what they had seen and experienced. Life had to start
again it just started.

 

Maa = Baba

 

He was to stay for some more time, we
were not required, needed rather were asked to leave. He was uncomfortable, but
I insisted and left with kids. Some how safety was not a question for me this
time

 

I liked the old couple traveling with us
instantly there was something that attracted me towards them. May be I was missing
parents and death of his mother was still not out of my mid. I even told them
that I lost my mother I just could not share more information I did not want
to loose these parents to religion. Maa instantly hugged me, consoled me and
said consider me as your mother Baba was so gentle, unlike his father, for the
period of journey I felt I was not an orphan anymore I support and I felt that
kids were safe with them if something happens to me .we exchanged addresses
and photographs before the journey ended for them. Mine was a longer one .

 

 

 

Strange happenings or curse? :-

 

After six months of her death, we
received a letter, saying that his father had sold the property and they have
shifted to another place. He was finding it very difficult to stay with her
memories in that house.

 

He called up the new number and phone was
answered by his father, who than gave the phone to old servant of the house .
as he did not want to talk to him.

 

 

It seemed that life had something else in
store for the family and for us now

Within another six months we got another
shocking news this time his father called up he was there thankfully he only
picked up the phone he was numb for long barely he could say "Didi died in road
accident"

We left immediately, everything was over
before we reached, or even her husband and his family reached. Who performed
the last rites the old servant also was not on seen. He had been keeping
unwell and was sent to his village.

 

 

No body spoke or interacted with me, but
we were not confined to one room in this house we could move freely. His father
was still talking of revenge for snatching his son away . almost eleven years
after the incident.

 

 

His sister took charge of the house and
we were sent back, this time after 8 days

 

 

Life looked difficult to gather pieces
and start ahead he was depressed almost stopped working and mainly was at
home . things became worst . when another call informing  death of his other  sister in a similar  road accident took place.

 

 

The
Arrival

 

We shifted to his hometown, and stayed in
the same house on request of his father. He asked me to take care of the house
as was the last wish of his wife… The only sentence he ever spoke to me in
these many years. Kids helped in their own way in this new situation, they were
normal yet their behaviour was measured

 

Religion no longer seemed the dividing
wall

 

Most important for me was the promise
that I had given to his mother, who trusted me so much .

 

He too looked relaxed, was kind of
ensured from behaviour of his father that he had changed. I was happy because
he was happy. His father did not speak to me directly ever, but with kids even
the religion was not the issue.

 

For the first time he took responsibility
of his families business, he started working his father looked unperturbed and
continued going to office. Life had come to a full circle… it was 12^th
year of our wedding and coldness in relationship were buried under 3 deaths
that shattered the family.

 

Next six months were event free and
everyone looked stress-free now. There were definitely more conversations
between him and his father. Children were free with grandfather. May be I was
the cause of basic hostility I just followed promise that I made to his
mother. So what if he never looked at me, never shared table, food, space with
me in the same house. Our religion was still limited to our rooms.

 

Business was doing well, and touring for
my husband increased, initially it was for a day he was uncomfortable leaving
me and kids behind alone with his father but I was sure that nothing would
happen to me now . I was sure that at least for the sake of his wife he had
accepted me. It was me who assured him safety of me and kids in his absence. Slowly
the days became weeks.  I was never afraid
any more.

 

 

The plot:-

 

This time, he had gone for more than a
fortnight, his father was behaving as usual till one night I heard a
conversation… I could not make much from that conversation but he was surely
talking about me. Who could be at the other end?

Fear gripped me again

 

Next day I was alone at home when phone
rang again I picked up the phone and female voice said "daddy" . and it ended
as a wrong number. The phone id was from city in eastern part of the country.

 

That night the phone rang again, I could
hear him talk to some one . this mystery was killing me now.

 

Next morning I decided to check the phone
id that was erased. I was now more puzzled. I did not want to call my husband
and press panic buttons. All other actions of his father were normal may be
"fear" had surfaced again.

 

 

Next two days were peaceful. I cursed
myself for my own thoughts, and when he called from where he had been I assured
him doubly trying to cover my guilt too.

 

 

 

It was one more week for him to return, I
was alone at home and phone rang again, same number was displayed on the caller
id. I picked up the phone and said "hello" phone got disconnected
immediately.  My doubts surfaced again .I
entered his father's room for the first time . looked here and there for some
time saw a phone diary, instinctively pulled the same flipped through some
pages to my horror I found that number there .

 

Who was this person calling? Who else
could call him daddy?  I decided to call
on that number . it took longer for someone to answer the call; I did not say a
word someone… in a very hush tone said "Daddy"? my heart sank .phone was
disconnected from that end.

 

I decided to search his room again .

 

 

I came across a bag, full of letters and
photographs of his daughters, my husband's sisters who were dead … some were
too recent who was writing on behalf of them? Were they really dead? I was too
scared to investigate further… I came back to my room I was not sure of what
I had read, heard how could some one???????? 
Bothered me

 

Next morning, he spoke to me, I was
dazed, it was shocking for me, he spoke directly to me ordering me to meet near
a bank for some official work, my signatures were required. He left for
office .

 

I reached his room again, like a hypnotized
person I look for that bag; instead I come across a diary

 

I could not move myself, as if I was paralyzed .
contents of the diary were volatile I wanted to get up and drink water…but
just had no energy, courage and numbness hit me The dairy was titled "the
plot" and it was account of events that took place after my mother in law
passed away.

 

All accidents that claimed lives of his
sisters were fake, the selling of property and shifting to new one was planned
so as not many people would know them both his sisters were alive and they
were in eastern  part of the country
calls came from them they were equal partners in this crime but why were they
doing this?

 

As the plot unfolded further I fainted .

 

the plot said, re- call them, love
children, give him work- share in business, send him on tours away from her
and home and

 

 

And "one more real accident"

 

 

It was me the plot was for me ..Revenge
was still on their minds.

 

 

I desperately tried to contact him tells
him all the details but he was unreachable kids were in school

 

 

It struck me . I was called for some bank
work death was in front of me again he was not with me this time to help me
the plot was perfect.

 

Time was ticking .I was unable to think
beyond this got back to my diary and wrote all that I had heard/ read/ seen as
witness,

 

How to ensure that this diary reaches to
him on his return, when he comes to know about my accident?

 

Maa- baba were on my mind, I decided to post
my diary to them, they would than send it back to this address after couple of
days .Once he reads this diary he will get me justice, my kids

 

My kids, after my death thought made me
nervous.

 

 

I walked like a android back to my room,
decided to go to school , pick children and leave this city till he comes
back . yes that was safest thing to do

 

 

 

 

On
Last page again:-

 

I am writing this page as it is going to
happen now I wrote

 

Today at four I will start from my place
for bank and on my way I will encounter death, hope this is final and no more
efforts are required to kill me . I would want peace for the remaining ones

 

I wrote about my fears, plot and I re
wrote the plot ..I do not want to die and hence I am going to run away with
kids and yet if something happens to me this should reach to my husband and
police .

 

Though I write this, I do not want to die
and hence I thought of escape with kids.

 

I packed diary in an envelop , wrote Maa
' baba 's address and wrote the old mobile number at back, may be that number
will help them trace me send the diary back and asked the maid to go and post
the same immediately. I ensured that he leaves before I left…

 

I did not want to loose the time, for me
kids and their safety was creating mayhem in my mind.

 

 

I came down and started the car   I switched the player as I wanted to break
the pattern of my thoughts I wanted to reach to my children as early as possible
recorded voice of his father emerged, I was scared

 

"I know, you know the plot, I know you
want fail my plot and want to run away with kids I knew you would do this too
fail my plot but my "accidents" were for this plot. Look straight the
speeding truck is for you may you rest in peace. Your husband .

 

Remaining words was lost in crash News
paper carried reports of "one more death" by speeding heavy vehicles, driver
escaped scene of crime

 

XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXX

 

 

I was emotionally ' physically- mentally
drained reading this dairy, Diary claimed that we were the Maa- baba.

 

 

We have never set our foot outside our compound
in last five years, forget train journey and exchange of address and phone
numbers. My wife was shocked, angry at her father in law .she felt it was cold
blooded murder.

I did not find any name/ address in diary
where I could send back this notebook. It was still a mystery as to why we
received this note.

 

I was too disturbed reading this and felt
my moral duty to inform police I went with diary to police station. They were
initially reluctant but later proceeded with case. There were rounds of
questions and even the branch manager of the courier company was questioned. I
wanted justice to emerge. I wanted to reach to those kids and her husband and
wanted him to know his father's real face.

 

It is more than 5 months now since I
received this notebook. Her story still haunts me, my wife. I have decided to
locate family I still believe in her story and I want justice for her. I want
to meet her kids and husband.

 

 

 

We could locate the city area date and
details on envelope did match with one road accident that took place in that
city on that day . I was informed that person who died in road accident was an
old man and police suspected murder for property and in his death. According to
neighbours statement in this case, daughter in law of the house, practiced a
different religion.  Family members including
old man's wife were seeing a larger conspiracy in this accident. They loved
their daughter in law who was more attached to the old man. Surprisingly
handwriting of these two people almost matched.

 

My note book disturbed them too now they
too believe like me in this and our search is on do you know any such family?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shekhar

-: Award:-

 

The stadium was
bursting with people, Lights, Camera, and Action all eyes were now on the
presenter, to declare the "Life Time Achievement Award." . presenter knew for
sure that the center of attraction would soon change from limelight, the presenter
would slip back into backstage and may be forgotten . what people were to
remember was acceptance speech that the award winner will deliver. Yet, like a
true professional, presenter tried to bring in suspense, element of surprise,
curiosity and tried to be bamboozling audience

 

But how could I not
know it .yes it was Me, who was to be the recipient of the life time
achievement award, the youngest ever! I had given my consent, I had accepted
the award, I needed to prepare myself for the "award" and speech, and I was the
one who was craving for the same . I needed it I desired that for my ego, for
completing my achievement tasks My work was such, my contribution .

 

 

I was in my own
thoughts when the thunder struck I am awakened by the deafening applaud and
thousand of eyes, camera focusing me I can see this all on the big screens put
up for the convenience of the large number of people, but I still can 'not
move I am thrilled to hear my name . I could see people near me standing,
clapping and the stadium rose for standing ovation ..

 

 

It was me alone
sitting in the entire auditorium Was I acting? Was this really me? I slowly
started getting up as I position myself and start the walk towards the stage,
applaud, cheer groups, and firecrackers . filled the stadium my walk towards
stage was as heavy as my heart mixed emotions, bliss on face, turmoil in
heart . my few actions were robotic I just followed… I just did what I was
asked to do

 

I climbed the steps
from the center of the stage, and to reach the center where the presenter was
standing I turned towards the audience and walked backwards waving at them .
what impelled me to do this was not known to me also, my be my reflex but that
encouraged the crowd to cheer more and more now whistles and high-pitched
screaming of youngsters were difficult to get distinguished from the claps,
music still there was order in that chaos pleasing "ego" of any recipient

 

 

I kissed the award
and thanked one and all and started moving presenter immediately took charge of
me; he hugged me and said "Address' the audience .His job was done his
microphone was now in my hands I do not know how long it took for me to stand
up from my place to walk unto stage and receive the award and have the mike in
my hand Crowd was still standing and applauding someone sat and slowly the
excitement phase of the ceremony was over crowd settled in no time, as if it
was a clue for them may be they were tired too of clapping, cheering, it was
late at night and the last in the category of awards function would end after
I finish may be a small thank-you note from the organizer was the only thing
left on Agenda.

 

I took the "Award"
in my hand and stood there I was silent my eyes had tears people could see
them on big screen I wiped them with sleeves of my suit my voice was
breaking I had to form words, there were no dialogues written for me I had to
say something . I took out the paper from my pocket

 

I started to read .
The paper read "I am privileged recipient of this award I dedicate this to all
my " and did not complete the sentence instead I just threw the paper away
Audience who were preparing to leave took note of this everybody settled .I
could see that they were puzzled.

 

There was a pause,
audience looked with heavy heart they sensed something I could feel their
nerve and I started again without paper

 

I started;

 

This is me, my heart
speaking to you. I do not need crutches of paper to stand in front of people
who love me, adore me in any role, and today let me open my heart to you…applaud
started again people settled again and with their ears for me

 

"This is to all
those special people who have made me, this towering personality, who have
created a special place in their hearts for Me, who eat, drink, dance, and live,
for me, worship me " I am actually a Dwarf listen to me and than decide do
I deserve this? Do I need this? Let me complete after I stop I will await
your decision and than accept this award

 

Respected members of
Jury, I am not discourteous to the award, to you all for efforts people have
put in. . I Value this award Utmost and hence this confession

 

Yes, I am a Dwarf:-

 

When I look at the
glorious past of Life time achievement award recipients and I look at me, I feel
what my contribution is? "Acting"? How does one define Life time achievements ?

 

Tell me, "How
high would you go if you knew you wouldn't fall" I do not want to go
that high, nor do I want to fall I want to be firmly seated, rooted deep into
your hearts minds and just need your love NO AWARDS This is the time to be
honest to self, and show the people who love you, who care for you who worship
you "Who I am"

 

I am a simple man,
like you all . I was born in a family of five and was youngest by age twelve,
I realized that I had "looks" that were different and "voice" that was "deep"
I ignored the world my world, my parents, my siblings, my friends I was to
become narcissistic by age 16. I was in love with self I ignored studies and
failed .

 

Can I be the role
model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost
in this sparkle and glamour I am sure NO ONE
would want

 

My parents, My
family still supported me, they wanted to help me for a family of educators
this was a rude shock, I have the distinction of being first failure in our
entire clan, where every one else was in top ten I continued my journey
backwards I stooped to levels now I shudder to think if my children do the
same .In school my smile, my face, could no more save me from the pranks that I
played the cute little fellow was now a notorious teenager who no one
wanted but my family supported me had faith in me were trying to help me Did I
need help at that point in time?. How true is this saying "You can not help
anyone unless he needs help…"

 

I was Glamour
struck, I was a liar, I failed on promises that I made to myself, and three words
that played always a tune to my ears were Light Camera Action

 

My Action was to run
away from home . at 20 never to return there For months I was noticing the ads
my parents gave in news papers requesting me to come back. For months I changed
address, rooms, shelter to avoid them, to avoid police search Money was no
concern for me I had stolen enough to last me 6-8 months.

 

Can I be the role
model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost
in this sparkle and glamour I am sure NO ONE
would want

 

 

I was 24, and was
staying with friends and extras in this line, when I got my first break I was
"HERO" overnight I looked for my parents at my first award ceremony that
table corner remained empty no one occupied that space ever at any function
for me Even today for past 30 years I have missed them I now know what they
must have felt when I did not respond to their requests ads… pleadings to
return.

 

Once in the lime
light, I learned the tricks faster In this field there is direct correlation
between success and tantrums one throws I was reaching there faster than my
contemporaries The famous "affair" that rocked my life couple of years ago
was certainly a stunt the magazine was loosing its grip over market, I was not
doing so well for the first time I faced a 'flop" I was out of circulation I
mean  print The brilliant idea from a
reporter changed all the equations Magazine got its life line; I was in
print .Money for all

 

I managed more
wealth than may be a hit .but little did I know that my kids were ashamed of
me their friends in school talked about my affair and photographs in detail…
and they hated me, school, press, media for all that .They stopped going to
school just to prove to them my integrity I stooped further another
scoop followed with another magazine, proving that earlier reports were fake
and how they were forged and so on Both these helped everyone People love to
read But it took me years to be able to prove that I am a father a father
first and than an actor .the cold looks in their eyes still haunts me.

 

Can I be the role
model? Will you all ask your child to follow me and loose the track, get lost
in this sparkle and glamour I am sure NO ONE
would want

 

Few days ago, I was
returning from my international shoot, due to some very personal reasons I
could not travel with the unit and had to leave the unit one day ahead of
scheduled departure.

 

My flight was from
Los-Angeles, it was Air-India flight, my booking, like usual was in first class.
I boarded the flight like every time ' Last minute this special privilege is
available with this air line only My seat number was 2A Airhostess greeted me;
I could see her eyes going round in disbelief that she was actually hosting-
serving me! She escorted me to my sit I checked with my goggles on almost
everyone had noticed my presence

 

I settled down and
looked at my co passenger weirdly in first class also you have a person who
could be so close to you that he can not be ignored. one look at the traveler
and I knew he was not the first class types .I was uncomfortable but could
not say so this man could be from media any comment from my side would create
ripples in industry and I did not want to loose "Money  involved."!!

 

 

That man completely
ignored me; at least this is what I felt . I was hurt my ego was hurt I kept
staring at him, I wanted him to acknowledge my presence normally it's the
other way round I get so much of attention that I feel suffocated at times
though I love it My goggles help me look at people without them, noticing what
I am doing I removed my goggles I was desperate to get attention from this
stranger, and now I looked at him, rather started starring. He was reading,
reading a book . my stare was so deep and strong that he could feel my eyes
piercing him, he gently closed his book , adjusted himself a bit in his sit and

 

Closed his eyes .

 

 

I was shocked, I
found him rude, insulting and I was fuming at myself for wanting attention from
this man . I was not sure of what to do next I was not even sure what I would
have done had he acknowledged my presence in first instance may be I too would
have closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, like him.

 

Amidst these
thoughts, I heard him say something to me .His hands were folded on his chest,
and his deep voice, (I was envious of strength in his voice) greeted me my ego
was satisfied and he started talking to me now I found him equally handsome a
man you would not like to take your eyes off

 

"I can see the
dilemma in your mind, he was talking to me, and you want your personal space,
at your own terms and conditions. Your were the last passenger to enter the
craft delaying the departure by 30 min,  it was you, who wanted to avoid, people, their
contacts, may be some handshakes and few autographs and here you are craving
for the same when you got none!"

 

I was now afraid of
him he could read my mind . I smiled and said we get used to glitter and fake
smiles, at times it's difficult to be self. I realized that I was astonishingly
honest with him transparent

 

 

Without any
inhibition or in awe of me, he continued I want you to look at impact that you
have or can have on young minds and he than critiqued my films, themes and its
impact, the way he narrated each of my role I was stunned he was not
criticizing me, or my roles or my acting he was looking as its from a fathers
perspective, from a nation's perspective that had stakes of so many young
minds and from sociological impact Mafia, Politics, Money, people aspiring to
take Light- Camera- Action instead of, Imagine- Inspire- Invent

 

What he meant was,
relating to changing face of society, Role Models, that had changed and young
minds were looking at me as a Role Model, and my acting depicted a different
World. I was never questioned like this by anyone ever in last couple of
years .Nothing speaks like success and people were more interested in my
personal life, and for me it was more in terms of  awards and donations that were made for some
publicity.

 

He was aware that I
am one of the nominees for life time achievement award and he also brought to
my notice that internet and mobile users who would vote were youngsters, and
people did not know much about others and their work. Apart from youngsters no
one else really bothered about this award. Before my questioning eye could
blurt the question out, he said Are you worried about Space Programs? Or
National Defense or Low achievement level in Government schools, or . His
arguments were sinking in me, for the first time some one talked to me with an
authoritarian voice and I listened intently. I also told him about my first
impression of him, he said

 

"You did not know
me- but I was supposed to know you" When I IGNORED this simple fact, tables
turned You wanted "me" to know you, acknowledge your presence. It's you, who wanted
to know me I still know about you as much I knew before " Unfortunately in the
field that you work, you get more of everything, money, name, fame, negative
publicity and what not people in other walks of life spend their lives To
achieve what they call as "excellence" in any field. In any field it's their
hard work, unlike in yours, where there is so much of paraphernalia, from
play-back- to stunt, from make-up to .In other walks of life people do "their"
roles to get "their" awards ."I would feel "dwarfed" if I was to get this award"
he said laughingly.

 

I laughed with him
I took his phone number, address and other necessary details, invited him for
this function, though I was not even aware that I would be the choice, by jury

 

For this man on this
Journey, and for the reasons I gave earlier I am not very sure, if I deserve
this "Award' I said

 

I request Jury, to
rethink .. I keep this award here . if Jury insists I will bow to the decision
by the honorable team

 

"Your decision, I
will honour sir "

 

I stopped.

 

The audience, The
Jury, The media, The Giants of the city, who's who of the industry took some
time to understand that I had stopped . the pause, the silence was unnerving
for me I had placed the "Award" on podium, meant for presenter I stood in
front of all with my head bowed down to them thanking them for listening .

 

Some one got up
again, some one started clapping, some one started flashing . and the stadium
was again filled with thunderous applaud, cheers, and I am sure most eyes were
moist, if they had no tears

 

I started moving
from the center of the stage towards steps that would take me back to my seat,
I had reached halfway and the Jury took charge from the podium, he was not
prepared for this part, Presenter was also fumbling for words they just could
request me to wait come back

 

Jury said,

 

"This year's life
time achievement award still goes to .. And rest of the stadium by blinded by
the flash lights .walk from the stage; back to my seat was reminding me of my
entry on the stage .

 

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 

 

My secretary, next
morning was beaming with joy, he almost hugged me Sir, it worked . all news
papers, channels, radio stations had this story, phones were ringing
constantly, my Blog writers were busy responding to the queries on my Blog . my
critics were shut forever, including those, who claimed that I crave for
awards and Jury was under my kitty

 

 

I knew the headlines
for next day morning; no other national event could take that space I knew the
magazine would run stories of this for months I knew that they would try and
locate all the passengers on that flight and ask them about me, their
experience of traveling with me, I was sure that air-hostess would be giving
more juicy stories than actual juice that she served there would be frantic
search for the person seated next to me more trips for journalists, more
copies in print, more money . the "Award-Cycle" would go on and on

 

Everything was in
Place The way I had imagined and planned, there would be no criticism for me
for at least half a decade now, no one would get to know the real story in any
case even if it ever came out . people have very short memory.

 

Who else could get
the "Life Time Achievement Award"? Now I needed to work on a plan that would
take care of my family.