The big 5th birthday party for my son. The party starts at 5PM. And the kids come pouring into my home at 3:30PM! I have had two previous birthday parties under my belt and am well versed and know what to expect! I am all decked up and ready around 4:30 when i see a familiar red scooty parking infront of my house. It is my friend, looking pale, weedy and worn out and without her Pottu. (Bindhi) My heart is wrenched.
I should have gone to see her right after i came back from the Dusshera vacations. I should have been there to console her. How is she going to manage the house in Bangalore, without the husband? How did the husband commit suicide without thinking about the lovely, dutiful wife and brilliant kids? I should have gone there to her house to invite her kids for the birthday… I somehow, just couldnt face her. Maybe she needed some alone time, i thought and not everybody crowding her. Maybe she is not ready to talk about it to me. Maybe i should call her and find out if its ok to come to her home. Maybe i should wear less jazzy clothes when i go to see her… Such pathetic excuses.
Now, i see her coming to my home, on my son;s birthday with her daughter and son. I go out almost running to welcome her and ask her to come in. She obliges and we sit in a comfortable sofa and i ask her how she is. I can see that she is worried about her kids. She is worried about them not talking to her about it. She is worried if it might scar them for life. She is scared. She wants me to talk to them about it and get them to talk it out. She holds my hand and i squeeze back.
We have 15 interruptions and a fewrubberneckers looking at us weirdly, but the less-than-10min conversation was free and came from the heart. Few words were exchanged but it included a lot of trust and love. She left hurriedly when the kids announced another guest coming in, and i never gave her the juice i promised her.
The birthday party went on very well and the birthday baby had a blast. Me, for my part was happy that the food came out well, the cake was great, guests had fun and a happy feeling that i had a good friend, who trusted me more than i knew about her. I must have done something good sometime to her as she confidently came to me when all i had was excuses. Atleast now, i know that she needs my presence more and would care less about my clothes…
I have a Masters Degree in Computer Engineering from the USA. I was the topper in class for a tough subject with a tough professor. My project in my BE was appreciated by a lot of people. I stood fifth in school in XII, and II in school in X. But somehow, its all been lost and buried.
I am now an invaluable mom and wife, whose impeccable (or so i thought ) English gets corrected now and then, teased for always being the loser in our home chess tournament, scowled at for being a health nut, scolded for not having the guts to drive the car out of the layout, and being the target of the age old question of “What do you do all day?”
My family is the best and everything, but i should have gotten myself a job and learnt to have a life of my own. It is important to take care of the kids, but it is also important to remember that i am also an able person who can take care of the family too while doing something that i care and love. Moreover, i think i need an outlet.
The three months when i was able to volunteer at Parikrma and talk to those kids from low income families made me feel so proud of myself. It gave me a new perspective in life and i want to do more. It also gave me an opportunity to talk to a lot of interesting people. Volunteering at my son;s school in Bangalore also made me feel grand. It is wonderful to be away from the routine household chores (atleast for a few hours a day) Now, i have a few hours until the next pick up/drop (of my kids from their school), i help my brother online. I am also designing a website for our close friend. I am trying to meet and talk to my neighbours and relatives more.
Somehow, i need to fill the void in my heart which says that i should be more, do more than what i am and doing today. I should do more things that make sense to me and make me feel happy and proud each day. I know that i can never stop hovering over my kids, but i think they dont need a babysitter any more. They need me more as a friend and advisor and a safe haven. Well the wife part, I know that i can accomplish it anytime with flair as we have reached a point where we mirror each others feelings and love. I know he will be supportive of any decision i make. I know it will make him feel more happy if he knows that doing it will make me happy.
As the nike ad would say, Just Do it!
There are a few things in life that are best forgotten…
But these are the things keep coming back to me at the oddest of times, bringing me humiliation, embarrassment all over again and sometimes, lots of smiles.
- Yes, I pinched the lady in front of me in the temple. I was in 4th or 5th standard when my mom took me to the temple to see the Golden Chariot. It was bursting with people -people who tread on my feet, pushed me around and tossed me around like a doll. Madurai heat was at its highest and i was drenched in my own sweat. And my mom said that it would take us atleast half hour to get out of this place. It was a mix of extreme anger, frustration and the heat that made me do this act. Although why i decided to punish the lady in front of me, etc, i dont remember.
- I copied the spelling of receive and let the got the other guy into trouble. I desperately wanted to get full marks in the dictation. I still get confused with the e before i or i before e for the word receive. I peeked into the note. Some guy caught me red handed. He complained to the teacher. I vehemently opposed the his unjust accusation and won the battle with the teacher
- I put my Dad’s and Mom’s signature whenever i get bad marks Only when i was little, not now
- I deliberately didnt let my father even look at my just born baby brother…I was fiercely jealous
- I strongly defended myself with a left hook when my mother was about to hit me. She still keeps telling everybody that i hit her hard. But i believe that i was defending myself powerfully!
- I used to run away to the bathroom whenever my mom gives me a chore to do. My kids do it to me now
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