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Milind Soman. What a dish, what a letdown

http://im.rediff.com/movies/2010/aug/06sld2.jpgOk, regulars over the years will know that I am a HUGE fan of the Akshay Kumar-hosted Khatron ke Khiladi, for its mix of daredevilry, daring and beauty. It was a great idea to put a bunch of beauties through the wringer and see who comes on top. In both the installments he hosted, the final winner was a surprise.

There was another reason I watched KKK 1 and 2. I may lack Akshay’s looks and fitness levels, but I do try and keep fit. Eat healthy, live healthy, as the motto goes. Which, at my age, is a huge task. So a show by him got me glued.

Naturally, when his protégée Priyanka Chopra stepped into his shoes, I was a tad disappointed. But consoled myself saying that hey, it’s all for the best. Anyway, change is inevitable, and the idea of one stunner lording it over 13 mean man machines did sound alluring.

So Monday night found me tuning in, and here’s my impression of the first episode.

First off, Priyanka didn’t make a great impression on me. Her opening sequence, in which she tries to partly do some stunts, seemed amateurish. Making it worse was that dress she wore. Whatever it is called, it should be banished from TV screens for eternity! Even her performance, I felt, lacked edge. Comparison with Akshay is inevitable, and to me she came off poorly.

The contestants were an eclectic mix of brawn (Milind Soman, Rahul Dev, Dino Morea, Karan Grover), brain (Rahul Bose), talent (Terence Lewis), sports (Ritwik Bhattacharya), humour (Cyrus Broacha), and things got off to a catastrophic start when the vaunted Milind Soman, yesteryear’s supermodel, swimming champ, marathoner and fitness freak who also acts once in a while, gave up at the first hurdle itself. His reason: the water was too cold. Huh? Dude, but you were the swimming champ!

Into the same water jumped in others and made merry. Ritwik Bhattacharya did the impossible by being the only one to complete the task, most of the others only bettered Milind’s zero record. Rahul Dev, the other brawny guy on the show, too came back empty-handed, but he made it to the next round by virtue of lasting longer than Milind in the water.

So was it disappointing to see Milind exit after the first round? You bet it was. As he walked out of the show and towards India, Milind said maybe he should have tried harder instead of giving up too easily.

And for those of who have followed his career, that could well apply to his life. Gifted with looks that most men only hope for and fitness levels that would put someone half his age to shame, he has been too easygoing about his career, easily satisfied with what he’s got when the world was his for the taking.

So who do I see going the full distance? If I were to hazard a guess based on the first episode, the final three would be Rahul Bose, Ritwik and Terence Lewis.

Posted in Television.

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By janus janus – September 7, 2010


Avatar. What more can one say!

I have finally seen James Cameron’s magnum opus, and I am still speechless after it. I know the criticism, that the film doesn’t really have a strong story line, and it probably is true. It’s the classic good vs bad plot which we have seen in films too numerous to be counted, from James Bond flicks to Mission Impossible.


 


But that would be like dismissing Titanic as just another story about forbidden love. Romance is at the heart of all love stories, and what will set apart one from the other, the good from the bad, is the treatment.


 


The same with good vs bad battles. It is the treatment, dummy!


 


And this is where Cameron brings to bear the $300 million (a whopping Rs 15 billion @ Rs 50 exchange rate) the studios were ready to spend on his long-pending dream project. One knows of so many turkeys that have guzzled up money and have little to show for it. That was at the back of my mind when I went in to see the film, in 3D, my last experience I think being 25 years or so ago with My Dear Kuttichathan.


 


And, the next 150 minutes or so became the most memorable cinematic experience of my life! How can one conceive of, leave alone execute, such a mind-bending project? Technology is at the centre of Avatar, even eclipsing its cast and story as the main character in the film. Yes, without tech enabling his vision, Avatar would be just another film; but not all films that ride on technological brilliance make for good watching. In most cases they degenerate into an inhuman experience.


 


This is where Cameron’s genius lies. While technology powers the film, it doesn’t overpower the narration or the characterisation. So you don’t have mindless mechanical robots facing off as we have seen once too often, but real people with real emotions, real feelings. Even if they are in Na’vi form. What Star Wars was to the previous generation, Avatar is to the present.


 


If all this sounds like hagiography then let it. If you watch the film, in 3D, you will agree with me. As I say these days, there are two kinds of people in the world: Those who have seen Avatar and those who have not.


 


Which one is you?

Posted in Uncategorized.

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By janus janus – December 24, 2009


Credit crunch


Dear employees,


 


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown


of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to


put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.


This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


 


Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be


eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced


Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be


reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired


Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and


SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.


 


Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional


Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for


Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who


have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further


by Management.


 


Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as


much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.


Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT


it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive


enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.


They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.


 


Sincerely,

The Management

Posted in Humour.

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By janus janus – December 21, 2009


Rediff Blogs finally gets a life!

 


Der aayi durust aayi!


 


That about sums up rediffblogs’s latest avatar. As someone who is among the oldest users of rediffblogs, let me convey my sincere appreciation to the team which enabled this latest change. My interactions with the help team over many years shows many names and identities, none long-lasting alas, so I guess the churn had taken a toll on rediffblogs too.


 


But it wasn’t always so. The early rediffblogs platform had Keep It Simple, Stupid! written all over it. Too bad they took their eyes off the blog and let newbies build themselves up from scratch. I have no idea who was behind rediffiland but whoever it was probably went laughing all the way to the bank while rediff users shed a silent tear.


 


The latest rediffblogs doesn’t offer anything that other platforms don’t already have. In that sense it is contemporary, not futuristic. I hope rediffblogs won’t rest with this and think it’s all done and dusted; even as I write this the competition is tweaking new apps, new features. To go from beyond this stage, rediffblogs will need to constantly improve, finetune the product.


 


It’s long been said that Indians can only adapt, never innovate. If there’s a company that can turn this maxim on its head, it is rediff.com. The point is, do they know it? If they know it, do they believe in it?

Posted in Personal.

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By janus janus – December 14, 2009


Akki is back, and how!

Ok, by now everyone knows I am an ardent fan of the original macho star Akshay Kumar. I've been a regular viewer of his films ' can't wait to see Blue ' regardless of the media's trashing, and last year his Khatron ke Khiladi was the only TV programme I watched from start to finish.

 

Naturally, season 2 of the show had me salivating way before it began, and this week, I am happy to note, I made it back in time for all the four episodes.

 

As he says, season 2 is wayyy tougher than the previous one; how I wish the participants were too.

 

Going by what I've seen so far, barring a couple the 13 are a major disappointment. They may be bigger 'stars' than the season 1 bunch, but they sure are not better.

 

I didn't expect the attractive Shonali Nagrani to be the first one to get out.

 

I didn't expect Bruna Abdullah to go out on the third day.

 

But my biggest disappointment has been Sushma Reddy, she of the Reddy trio fame. If you are a Mumbaikar there's no way you cannot admire the three sisters, Meghna, Sameera and Sushma. They are gutsy, charming and full of beans –  typical Mumbai, if you ask me.

 

So it was with shock, and dismay, that I watched Sushma make a fool of herself right from day one. The stunt that involved swimming through a net underwater saw her develop cold feet, and saying while she could swim she didn't enjoy being underwater.

 

Huh? When you come on Fear Factor one supposes that you've worked on overcoming your fears and, most importantly, do the obvious things like spend time underwater, in cold water, at heights, climb, hang, hang upside down, etc etc as part of your training.

 

Sushma probably has never seen Fear Factor or its Indian versions, has never done anything tough or difficult in her life, and came on the show expecting it to be a ramp walk. Her tears on Thursday night and refusal to do the stunt rightly got her kicked out of the show, and can't have done the spunky Meghna and Sameera proud.

 

So who is the likely winner of Season 2?

 

Inside sources tell me it's Anushka Manchanda, formerly of Viva fame, but I am unable to confirm it. Personally, on available evidence so far, I think Jesse Randhawa has all the makings of a winner; Mandira Bedi and Shweta Salve were others I expected a lot out of, but so far they have not done anything to justify viewers', and their own, expectations.

 

Finally about the host Akshay Kumar. Rarely have I seen an actor getting better and looking better with age, and the khiladi is it. He also handles the bevy of beauties beautifully, being mentor and martinet depending on the situation. Way to go!

Posted in Television.

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By janus janus – September 11, 2009


The 21st century, defined…

Our communication - Wireless  

 

Our dress - Topless  

 

Our telephone - Cordless  

 

Our cooking - Fireless  

 

Our youth - Jobless  

 

Our religion - Creedless  

 

Our food - Fatless  

 

Our faith - Godless  

 

Our labour - Effortless  

 

Our conduct - Worthless  

 

Our relationships - Loveless  

 

Our attitude - Careless  

 

Our feelings - Heartless  

 

Our politics - Clueless  

 

Our education - Valueless  

 

Our follies - Countless  

 

Our arguments - Baseless  

 

Our employer - Heartless

 

Our Job - Thankless  

 

Our Salary - Much less

Posted in Humour.

1 comment

By janus janus – September 9, 2009


Husband vs Boyfriend

Dear Tech Support:

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

 

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

 

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper- Changing 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

 

Can you help please?!

 

Jane

 

Dear Jane:


This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.


However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.


Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.


Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.


It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.


Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”


Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.


TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.


Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!


Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.


Consider buying additional software to improve performance.


I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.


A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system.


Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.


I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. “We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Posted in Humour.

5 comments

By janus janus – July 8, 2009


Soft or semi-soft?

There, now that the suggestive title has caught your eye, let me clarify that it's nothing about what you think it is but a boring treatise on the merits of soft vs semi-soft contact lens.

 

I have worn contact lens so long that it seems to me that I came out of my mother's womb wearing them. And for long I wore the uncomfortable hard lens, since pay packets those days didn't support the superior soft ones. Later I graduated to the semi-soft kind which, while better than the hard ones, were still a problem.

 

You felt as if you were walking about with a foreign particle in the eye all the time. And if you manage to fall asleep with the lens, as I was wont to do, get ready for some sandpaper in the eyes when waking up.

 

And god help you if anything, even an infinitesimal dust particle, went into the eye. If you have a problem of eye-lashes going into your eye like I do, then even god cannot help you. Biking was out, since the visor didn't really protect the eyes against dust and other stuff.

 

I was keen on graduating to the soft lens but the optician said they were ruled out for me since I suffer from astigmatism. The shape of the eyeball, as I understood him, was not perfect, the curvature was too high, so soft lens were ruled out, he said.

 

Till one fine day I was told that technological advancement had resulted in soft lens for astigmatics and I was overjoyed. So for the last few years I have been wearing soft lens, and I must say it feels like I am wearing nothing at all. In the eye, I mean. Even the entry of dust particles, eyelashes etc is not half as agonising as before, and I thought I had found my optical heaven.

 

But I have been realising of late that while I have gained in terms of comfort, I have sacrificed greatly in terms of clarity. The soft lens cloud up more easily, and the vision itself is not too sharp. It's as if I am living life in soft focus. Which is not a bad thing once in a while but not 24×7.

 

So I have been balanced on the horns of this great dilemma, wondering what to do next. In a few weeks my annual stock of disposable soft lenses run out. Should I renew them, and continue to suffer from slightly blurred vision, or go back to semi-soft lens, with their attendant problem of discomfort even if it comes with sharper focus?

 

Decisions, decisions Oh, how I hate them!

Posted in Personal.

2 comments

By janus janus – June 18, 2009


Tussauds tickles the funny bone

I found this stuff hilarious, although I am sure the last thing on Mme Tussauds mind was hilarity, and thought of posting it here for wider disportmentJ

 

The Tussauds guide to Bollywood

 

For the benefit of those not acquainted with Bollywood, Madame Tussauds that installed the wax figure of Amitabh Bachchan, the first of a series of Bollywood personalities, here last week, put out what it called a 'guide to gestures' of Hindi films. Here is what the museum says in response to possible questions from visitors in its Guide to gestures of Hindi Films:

Why don't the characters ever KISS already?
Sometimes they do, but it's rare. Bollywood plays to a diverse range of people. They opt against it in order to remain conservative and suit all audiences.

What does it mean when you tug on your ears?
You tug your ears in a variety of social situations, but mainly when apologizing, as a physical admission of wrongdoing and as a demonstration of repentance.

What does it mean when you touch someone's feet?
Touching someone's feet is a sign of respect usually accorded to elders, or by (very traditional) wives to their husbands. Hindu theology and Indian culture in general, holds the feet to be the most polluted part of the body (the head, farthest away from the ground and least likely to come into contact with it, is the most pure). This is why you take off your shoes upon entering a temple (your shoes have been in constant contact with the ground), and also why you should never point the soles of your feet at someone (very rude!). Therefore making a point to touch someone's feet is a sign of your immense respect for them: you honor them so greatly that touching even their feet is a privilege.

What does it mean when you press your palm together?
You can equate this to a handshake if you'd like, but pressing your palms together connotes a respect the handshake no longer does.

What does it mean when you wave your hand at or over someone's head?
This action wards off the "evil eye" by symbolizing your willingness to take on any evil that may target the individual.

What does it mean when you wear red stuff in the part of your hair?
Called "vermilion," it is worn to display when a woman is married, and her husband is alive. If she were to be widowed, she would cease to wear vermilion in her parting.

What does it mean when you wag your thumb at someone?
Making a fist and extending your thumb, as in the Western "thumbs-up!", then wagging it back and forth, is used as a "shame on you" gesture.

What does it mean when you put kohl on someone's cheek?
When someone looks especially beautiful, it's assumed that he/she'll attract a great deal of jealousy. Putting a dot of black on his/her face as a makeshift "blemish" serves to ward off the evil eye that might otherwise be attracted by his/her perfection. This is most often done to babies, but women occasionally place a black smudge on their faces when they're especially well dressed.

What does it mean when you lift only your pinky finger?
In India, this version of the "hang loose" sign means that you have to go to the bathroom.

Posted in Movies.

6 comments

By janus janus – May 26, 2009


Laughter in the time of elections

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new

bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money,

came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

 

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and

wouldn’t even look at a cow.

 

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a

look at the bull.

 

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all

of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my

neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in

sight. He’s like a machine!”

 

“Wow,” said Banker Bill, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

 

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

 

“What kind of pills?” asked Banker Bill.

 

“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

******

I played golf with a drug company sales rep. He told me of a drug that his company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.

 

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

******

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops

in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both

of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

 

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory

to tell the priest what he’d just seen.

 

Without batting an eye, the priest says, ‘Son, you’ve just

witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?

 

‘Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.’

******

A man went to a specialist because he was suffering from premature ejaculation.

 

When asked how the treatment was going the doctor said it was touch and go.

******

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast

of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. He said to the

female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out

of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the

ship to turn over and sink.

 

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and

quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors

had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of

shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away

and told the female “lets swim after them and gobble them up

before they reach the shore.”

 

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant

to follow him. “Look”, she said, “I went along with the blow

job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

******

Drunk guy: “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before

the devil knows you’re dead!”

 

Drunk girl: “What’s that mean?”

 

Drunk guy: “It’s an Irish toast.”

 

Drunk girl: “Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

 

Drunk guy: “Huh?”

 

Drunk girl: “That’s French toast.”

******

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror,

after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of

ability to lose weight was depressing her.

 

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for

help. “God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote

my life to you,” She prayed.

 

And just like that…her ears fell off.

******

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

******

Nina and Rosie were always trying to get the other’s goat and today they were meeting for lunch.

 

Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.

 

Rosie replied, “Oh nothing. It’s just that my husband is so big I just can’t take it.”

 

Nina replied, “I know. I know.”

******

Posted in Humour.

3 comments

By janus janus – May 17, 2009