Laughter in the time of elections

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new

bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money,

came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and

wouldn’t even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a

look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. “The bull has serviced all

of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my

neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in

sight. He’s like a machine!”

“Wow,” said Banker Bill, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked Banker Bill.

“I don’t know, but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

******

I played golf with a drug company sales rep. He told me of a drug that his company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

******

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops

in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both

of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory

to tell the priest what he’d just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, ‘Son, you’ve just

witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?

‘Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.’

******

A man went to a specialist because he was suffering from premature ejaculation.

When asked how the treatment was going the doctor said it was touch and go.

******

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast

of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. He said to the

female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out

of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the

ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and

quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors

had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of

shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away

and told the female “lets swim after them and gobble them up

before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant

to follow him. “Look”, she said, “I went along with the blow

job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

******

Drunk guy: “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before

the devil knows you’re dead!”

Drunk girl: “What’s that mean?”

Drunk guy: “It’s an Irish toast.”

Drunk girl: “Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

Drunk guy: “Huh?”

Drunk girl: “That’s French toast.”

******

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror,

after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of

ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for

help. “God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote

my life to you,” She prayed.

And just like that…her ears fell off.

******