Credit crunch

Dear employees,

 

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown

of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to

put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

 

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be

eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced

Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be

reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired

Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and

SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

 

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional

Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for

Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who

have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further

by Management.

 

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as

much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT

it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive

enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

 

Sincerely,

The Management