The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
******
The Down Side of Cubicles:
* Being told to “Think outside the box”‘ when I’m in the
fucking box all day?
* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first
seeing who is behind me.
* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from
any kind of gunfire.
* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button,
I will get a piece of cheese.
* Lack of rafters for the noose.
* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work
right.
* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip
without comment.
* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants
off.
* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
* Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
******
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks
and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can
drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband
the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend
asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman. He always delivers late,
and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
******
I met an older woman at a club last night.
This isn’t usually my thing, but she was attractive enough for a 50-year-old. We had a few drinks, danced a little bit, and the next thing you know my hand was caressing her thigh and she was whispering dirty nothings in my ear.
She asked me if I’d ever had a sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter 3-some?
I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: “Mom, you still awake?”
******
A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if “hard on”
was hyphenated.
The chaplain replies, “What in heaven’s name are you writing
home about!”
The young boy says, “I’m telling Mom and Dad about the project we worked so ‘hard on’.”
******
A guy meets a childhood pal. “What are you doing for yourself these days?”
“I’m a fireman,” his old friend replies.
“Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman,” says the guy.
“Well,” says his friend, “if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
“Well, did your son become a fireman?”
“No,” moans the guy, “but my daughter is a stripper.”
******
It has just been reported that the head gardener at The
White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal
service to several US presidents.
When interviewed, the gardener protested his innocence and
said, “All I did was go into the Oval Office and ask, ‘Has
anyone seen the spade and hoe?’ Now I am fired!”
******
A search and rescue team had been assembled and sent on a
mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a
mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After
finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon
the crash site.
At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a
tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge
pile of other bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank
God”, he cried out in relief. “I am saved!”
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing
the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor.
The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own
head in shame. “You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted.
“I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his
head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was
necessary to survive, but my God man… your plane only went
down yesterday!”
******
The chief of staff at the hospital remarked to the director
of nursing that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant
nurses in their hospital. As they were walking down the hall,
he was becoming more and more concerned about a possible
staff shortage as everyone seemed pregnant. He began to ask
the director when each pregnant nurse they passed was due.
“When is she due?”
“Some time in late September.”
“How about her?”
“Late September.”
“And her?”
“September.”
“My goodness!” exclaimed the chief of staff. “How about her?”
“I have no idea, sir. Norma wasn’t at last year’s Christmas
Party.”
******
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the ’50s, ’60s and ’70s!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or
drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a
can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with
bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or
cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not
to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air
bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a
special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle
and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda
pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because WE
WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long
as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot
the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we
learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video
games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies,
no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no
Internet or Internet chat rooms…WE HAD FRIENDS and we went
outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and
there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did
not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games
with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it
would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on
the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to
them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have
been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL.
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
