A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little
monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I am saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.”Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “kissing.”
“They were kissiing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”
“Now wait, you are saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.”

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, You are really ugly,”

The lady was furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the
way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are
really ugly,” She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly,”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she
would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn t do
something about it. The store manager apologized profusely and promised
he would make sure the parrot didn t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes ?”

And the bird replied, “You know.”

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to
see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were
honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more
blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said, “Do
you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked
the blood of all the family.”

“Very good” said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered
in blood. Astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?”

The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children.”

“Impressive” said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

“How on earth did you do that????” he asked.

And the bat replies, “Do you see this tower?”

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”

A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet. She wonders
around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this
huge cage.

She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two
strings hanging down. On the right foot is a red string and on the left
foot is a yellow string. She calls the pet shop manager over and asks
him what the strings mean.

He say’s, “Well madam, if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer.”

So the woman thinks out loud, “What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?”

The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out, “I’d fall on my ass you silly lady!”

GOD created the DONKEY and told him, `You will work tireless from
sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat
grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You
will be a DONKEY!`
The DONKEY answered, `I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!` and God gave him 20 years.

GOD created DOG and told him ` You will look after man`s house, you
will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you
will live 25 years, You will be a DOG.`

The DOG answered `GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!` and GOD gave him 10 years.

GOD created the MONKEY and told him, `you will jump from branch to
branch , you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will
live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!`

The MONKEY answered ` GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!` and GOD gave him 10 years.

Finally GOD created MAN and told him, `you will be a MAN the only
rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to
control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live
for 20 years.

The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not
enough, why don`t you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the
15 years that the DOG didn`t want and the 10 years that the MONKEY
refused ?`
That
was exactly what GOD did, and since then: MAN lives 20 years like a
MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working
and carrying the load on his back, then when his children leave he
spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is
given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a
MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing
silly things to amuse his grandchildren.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of
nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him
questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?” He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Well, then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

One afternoon, a wealthy man was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don`t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then.”

“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”

“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
“Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The man replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The
lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains: “I ask you a question, and if you don`t know the
answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The
lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don`t know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don`t know the answer, I will pay you
$50″ figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the
match.

This catches the blonde`s attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The
lawyer asks the first question: “What`s the distance from the earth to
the moon?”The blonde doesn`t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls
out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it`s the blonde`s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The
lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital
cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and
searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he
knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the
blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely
examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk
for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
“Well,” said the drunk, “it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

“Let me have it,” said the lawyer.

Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

“Yes,” he finally said, “it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don`t know what it is. Where did you get it?”

“From my nose,” the drunk replied.