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My engagement

I
was shining like an aureole of an angel, glooming with the spark of
your love; I was smiling most effortlessly that day, glowing with
satisfaction and happiness.

The
day started with shy feelings, with butterflies in my stomach. The
attire, the makeover, the jwellery, everything was special and ethnic.
Between all this I was trying to imagine how things will go, that first
glimpse of you, and the first touch when you will ring my lucky finger.
I could not imagine how will you look, and I was sure neither could you
imagine me in bridal appearance.

The
time I entered the venue, I could feel a shimmer in every ones’ eyes.
People wanted to see me today, eye me in their excitement and wait for
few words that slipped from my smiling lips. 

The
wait today was long, but tiredness was not felt in the way it used to.
Today smile was on, and I was as fresh as newly sprouted rose, in spite
of no appetite since a day. The time I stood up and came out of my veil
in a secure private room, every one turned towards me. In the beginning
it didn’t occur to me that this is going to be a walk of my life, I
should have better practiced ramp walk. I mended the walk of the lady
and approached the stage in a shy glamour. In next one hour I smiled
all the smiles of my life. I was smiling for all the moments we had
with each other, smiling for our love, smiling for you, as I knew you
were trying to look at me from the corner. In whole ceremony I kept
trying to get a look at my man, albeit it was difficult to turn my eyes
that side. My every move was noticed, my every breath marked.

When
you were actually invited to sit beside me, I just could not look at
you. The entire wait was over, but now I was too shy to pour my eyes
into yours. When you held my hand for the ring ceremony I wished time
to stop there, so that I could kiss you and express how much I love you
and will love you till I live. But then your ring was waiting, and you
were not an easy fiancé that time. I loved your playfulness when you
were taking away your hand or giving me wrong finger. With the shine of
ring the flashes of photographer clicked every expression of our faces.
After that the whole story was about clicks and smiles and balance till
we went for our meals. My first bite from your hands, it was my whole
lunch in a way.  You were eating so well. I wished all
this mid time between engagement and marriage to pass in a blink so
that I can cook for you and see you eating so happily.

I
could feel I was one with you now. Even though we were together since
all these years, this feeling of oneness was incredible. Today I didn’t
want to ask you to hug me or stay a while longer. You were mine now and
those small desires had no room. Physical touch was not so important
any more. Our souls were embraced in unison, our aura diffusing into
one.

When
you were leaving all I could do was look at you and smile. It was a
quick moment but that was the only way I could say I love you. I love
you Arpit. And I am now all yours.

Posted in Personal.

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By – November 17, 2011


I wonder how to win

The whole world stand against me like a wall. And I let the wall spare me from all the smiles and breaths. Its not just a wall, its a defeat of my existence. But, still I exist. I thought I tried to break this wall but I never succeeded. Now I realise I never actually tried to break it, I just ran on this side of the wall. Explored this part of the world. Started loving being alone, all around strange people and strange lands. I never cared, because I found some sort of happiness in being away from the never ending fight. Alas, again I am in the same place, fighting again with the wall of people standing against me. And I am again not able to break it. One guy once said to me, if I try to jump over the wall things will be better, but how, I am still not able to figure it out.

Sometimes being with you make me feel courage to overcome my struggle. But I realise it is just another way to stop figting and stay on my side of the wall.

It is only myself who can find a way beyond this wall, who can dig a hole in it and move on the other side. But I wonder how to do it. I wonder what am I to do to be not me. To overcome myself and win.

Posted in Blogs.

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By – July 16, 2011


Mumbai meri jaan

Crisp layers of water, one over the other, rattling together, creeking over the sand, digging the earth away from over my feet; the gush was so heavy that first wave that touched me heard me scream, which though got lost in the sound of huge waves. They made everything around inaudible for me. There were just you, me and the sea that existed. Holding your hand I was standing against the pressure of the sea. As if you are securing me from freely flowing away with the world, keeping me near to you, saying to me to not to go away with  nature, that you will need me forever as your Aana. The more I spent time near the sea the more I wanted to stand there. To take a support on  you and enjoy the cold sand slipping down my feet. My first ever journey to the deep waters became even more beautiful because I accompanied you my love. And when you gave me a heart shaped stone that sea brought to you with its flow, the symbolism was clearly felt and adored.

My first ever trip to Mumbai, city was harsh, though with you it became subtle. I loved the rain, loved the way we were together all the time, clouding each other in our love. I never stopped talking as it never stopped tappering. I was a different person there. I was just your Aana, who bloomed like a red rose you gave me, who talked, who saw the whole city with amusement, who was amazed like a child at hustle bustle of the busy city, who was so carefree because you were always there, who ate endless vada pav’s, Jumbo king burger, and lots of other street food, irrespective of her dieting schedules and over conscious attitude towards food. With you I was not at all conscious in anything, I was just Aana.

A glorious trip, not because we were in Swiss or Kerala or Mauritius, but just because we were with each other. Withou you Mumbai would have been tiring and scary. We were so much into each other, like soulmates. It wasn’t the breezer that intoxicaated me, but it was your love, and it was the Juhu beach in your arms. How much I wanted to go there again, to be there often. But, some other time. For now, wherever you will be, I will find the place welcoming.

It has been one of the most precious times of my life, one of the most lovable and romantic times with you, the time when I was just Aana, your Aana in Mumbai meri jaan.

Posted in Personal.

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By – July 14, 2011


Angel II

Days passed to months and that passed to year when another soul came into my life which turned out to be a child of devil. She gave me a hell for 86 days and went out of my life saying she will not return at all. Life from tragic changed back to tragically pathetic. Lucky for me my junior angel was always with me smiling and giving me strength to every cell. But somehow loneliness gripped my heart. Until the day I fell upon a site which advertised for getting relationships. I just took that site as fun, instead of relationships everyone was looking for one or two night stands in the site. I got fed up and thought of closing the chat window when something clicked about an id which made me to ping, id was Arathrika. Never knew on the first day that this id can influence my world and turn it upside down. First week was not able to chat that much as I was busy with work. Then one fine weekend I was hooked to the net and the id has turned to green stating it is available to chat. I just said a simple HI and was greeted by a sweet Hi. Then after initial round of pleasantries the id kept on attracting me towards the choice of words, being romantic, effect of loneliness etc. Time ran out for both of us and we parted saying a sweet good bye and wishing a great week ahead….

Posted in Prose.

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By – April 5, 2011


Angel I

This is written by a close friend, who wished to make an effort in writing after reading some blogs on this site. I am sure it will be appreciated. And also wanted to add here, that this is all non-fictious.

Looking back at the steps taken from the day one I remember I have been a lucky child….nice parents, joint family of uncles and aunts, everyone so nice to me…..Cupid has struck me so many times in my life but nothing too serious to talk about..But he stuck me at 28 yrs of age and this time he struck me hard as if i was bowled over all together. That was the day I fell for Anitha-Guardian Angel, Another Mother, symbol of pure love and affection. Guy lucky to have her was me, God selected me to be her hubby. All the initial hiccups were over in our love journey within 2 days each, for each of our parents after the matter was opened to them. Then our marital journey started approximately 6 months after that. We were not the best of the couples but we were an understanding couple, and all the credit for this goes to Anitha. She molded me from clay to the man I am now in a slow but steady manner. We were apart exactly for 4 months in our 3 yrs 2 months of marriage life, one month when she was in land of Uncle Sam and 3 months when I was in Don Bradman’s soil. But this strengthened our affection for each other, we cried in each other’s arms when we landed back in Bharath Mathaa’s soil. We were gifted perfectly by God with an exact replica of Anitha, Sakthi. Her face and smile swept us off our feet before I went to onsite. When I came back it was exactly a week b4 my angel’s first b’day, which we celebrated in our own lavish way. Never knowing that, that will be last one for my Senior Angel. After 6 months she was down with fever, no medicines provided complete cure as the fever was repeated. Then one fine day morning my wife, my sr. angel was down with breathing sickness when doctor referred to the advanced hospital. It was too late for her to recover….still remember when I saw her conscious on the first day of admission….looking with frightened eyes. I told her not to worry, everything will be alright, and those were the last words spoken to her. Then doctors told the shocking news of my life that the chance of reviving is only less than 10% that too if they find about the infection which caused pneumonia. Her one side lung died on the process…My tears dried up on the 9th day when doctors declared that my Angel really became a Guardian Angel. Not able to control my emotions thought of running out in road and hope to get hit by a vehicle to join her immediately but the innocent smile of Sakthi stopped me from doing the stupidest thing of my life. That smile only kept me alive till this day…..

Posted in Prose.

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By – April 5, 2011


Romantic compilation

I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away. You know what I want at that moment? I want to be kissed, and I know he can do that. I can do anything in life to be loved a little more by him. I can wait whole day, just hoping for one minute with him. I would rather have one breath of his hair, one kiss of his mouth, one touch of his hand, than eternity without it. Just one. I know he loves me but our love is like the wind… I can’t see it, but I sure can feel it. And I’m designed to feel slightly dissatisfied then! I want to touch him and feel him, because I love him so. I just have to have faith in destiny and look for signs in the absence of signs. Then may be his subconscious will be attracted towards my subconscious, subconsciously. And he will feel that I am his angel and I shine up in his eyes like a new penny; and all I will know is that he is beautiful in my life. And he will look at me with those eyes…right down into me. He will find me strange and interesting woman.

I can never replace him with anyone because he is made up of such beautiful specific details. He is my miracle. I want him to be a part of my dying as much he is a part of my life. I want to be with him like peas and carrots. I want to sit with him at the window when it starts raining and to be through every kind of rain, little bitty stinging rain..and big old fat rain, rain that flew on sideways and sometimes the rain that seemed to come from underneath…………I know all this doesn’t make any sense. But that’s why I trust it. I trust love.

(Serendipity, City of angels, Forrest Gump, Before sunrise, Before sunset, Sleepless in Seattle, A walk to remember)

Posted in Blogs, Personal.

3 comments

By – July 2, 2010


Before sunrise

When you clasp my hands
Me cuddling in your embrace
My fingers locked in your fingers,
I pine for you
And yearn that the sun never rise
Over this night with you.
 
When you fondle my cheeks
And leer in my eyes
Longing to brush my lips
I relish your love
And wish that the moon cease to move
Ahead on this night with you.
 
When you repose on my shoulders
And feel my bosom
Feeling an impulse within you
I ensnare your charm
And aspire that the moment gets still
Throughout the night with you.
 
When you love me
And commit by your faith
Giving me an impression of your life
I love being loved
And wish that this love stay
Forever through all the nights with you.

Posted in Poetry.

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By – June 23, 2010


P.S. I love you

I always think of stopping to feel love. And some days I succeed in doing so. When I stop listening romantic songs, watching romantic movies, I stop sitting besides the lake for hours dreaming about you, and humming the “Cadburys silk” song on my way to office, which is a nice walk amidst morning trees and lake water. It may feel that this is like stopping to live, but it is not so. I still live. I work, I talk to people, socialise unusually more, keep myself busy with city life, think of my own self a lot, flirt with some man without purpose and a path forward. I just try to change the way I live, the way life came to me so naturally, with love and romance, with all the love poems I wrote for you. I create a new way of life, which is not mine but which is what looks genuine and ordinary. This way I succeed to live without you, to dream less about you, accept in utter subconscious thoughts.

But then this doesn’t last long. One romantic movie or a song and mostly your one phone call do change things for me. And then I sit dreaming of you again, spending sleepless nights. I don’t welcome these sleepless nights. It is like losing my own battle, but I can’t help it. I can’t help crying watching some movies. Why these things come back to me, I don’t know. But I wonder if you are the life I revolve around. You are not just one chapter but you are the whole epic. And every chapter I try to read ultimately ends up in you. You are the heart and soul of all my writings, thoughts and deeds. May be you are all my existence. And no matter how much I try to run away from you, you will remain in me, and I in you.

P.S. I love you.

Posted in Personal.

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By – May 23, 2010


Nothing but your love

When nothing in the world

Gives solace to my soul

Its you to whom my heart turns.

 

When nothing in summers

Is soothing to my eyes

Its your one sight

Like flowers abide

 

When nothing in my dreams

Is cherishable and heavenly

Its your one thought

That wins over my sleep

 

When nothing is left

For my poor self

Its you who makes me

Feel affluent.

 

When nothing is more

Important in life

Its your love

And nothing else matters.

Posted in Poetry.

2 comments

By – May 7, 2010


Love story III

Next few days were wet as heavy monsoons. At any time of the day, the rain of my grievances poured down. I was most of the time looking into nowhere, thinking hard. I was trying to answer so many questions banging in my head. Was it a wrong decision to quit a job in Europe and come to India in a hope of marrying this guy? Or I too got trapped in an emotional melodrama and ruined my decisions and direction of life? Is there any hope left? Will I be able to sail through this? My own words to him, my own strong words were not getting into my head so easily. I wonder what his condition was.

Deeper I go in the valley of thoughts, steeper it gets at every sigh. I am at a hardest bend of my life. It is here or there. And my decision to be on the other side from her looks too hard. I wish I could go to her and ask her to guide me, as I have always done for any important decision of my life. But this time I can’t do it. God please help us both.

Next few months we prayed. My Krishna knows how devoted I was. That was the only thing that gave me peace. I developed since some years and incidents of my life true faith in Lord Krishna. And the faith was to such an extent that I could devote my entire life praying and loving Lord Krishna. But this kind of love doesn’t suffice in our world any more. My parents were already busy to find a suitor for me. And I could not say no, I had some responsibilities as a daughter. I just tried to keep calm. In between we talked some times.

A door bell woke me up on a Saturday morning. I was lazy in my bed and was astonished to hear the bell. That time I didn’t know I will be more astonished in next few hours on course of incidents that will take place. When he started to speak after feeling a bit uncomfortable, I just followed.

“I know you are surprised to see me here. But I have made up my mind on something and wanted to talk to you.”

“But you could inform me that you are coming, you could call me. You never did something in the flurry of emotions like this, to come from Delhi to here on such a short note.”

I was continuously staring back his staring look. To follow what his eyes say.

“Yes, we have shared a lot on phone calls and chats. But this time I wanted to come miles away for you. It makes sense.”

My heart was already palpitating and so was his.

“It was not fair that you let me go away from you. Why didn’t you make me understand, why did you chose to be quite?”

My goodness, I was about to outburst of joy and overwhelm. I knew when he behaves this way, when he gets so mad for me and feels only thing he wants in life is me.

Without waiting another moment, he said

“Marry me…………..I know you always used to say it, but I was so rigid. But today I propose you.”

“But honey, will everyone agree? Have you thought about how to handle things?”

After a long time I called him honey. I wanted to say many times, honey, honey, honey and laugh loud. But I suppressed my surprise and joy.

“I have already talked to my parents, after that only I came to you.”

“But how you made them say yes? Tell me everything.”

In next one hour he told me the whole story, how his friends and his sister made him realize that he won’t be able to forget me and spend life with someone else, how his parents could not see him like this and agreed. God responded to our prayers.

…………..

After 6 months, I sat near my office window sipping a coffee. The pond was full of lotus flowers and the pebbles underneath were not visible under the layer of leaves. I smiled, looking at the ring in my finger and went back to my desk to proceed with my work.

Posted in Personal, Prose.

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By – May 6, 2010