Hamburger Restaurant

A rather attractive woman goes up to
the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures
alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly
turning a crimson red.

“Are you the owner?” she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

“No” he replies, “I’m just the manager.”

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

“I”m
afraid I can’t,” breathes the manager clearly aroused. “He’s in the
back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.”

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

The plumber has arrived

A lady was expecting the plumber; he
was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went; no
plumber; eleven o’clock, twelve o’clock, one o’clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

He
thought it was the lady who’d said, “Who is it?” and waited for her to
come and let him in. When this didn’t happen he knocked again, and
again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!”

He waited, and again the lady didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!!!!!!!!”

Again
he waited; again she didn’t come; again he knocked; again the parrot
said, “Who is it?”; “Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!” he said, flying into a
rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a
heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home
from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a
corpse lying in the doorway, “A dead body!” she exclaimed, “Who is it?!”

The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

Some very common traits in two drunks
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.

The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”

“Of course,” replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”

“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ‘62.”

“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”