Part 3 - Laaloo ki Bhains ka Narco Test

(Dharmendra Style mein) Iland walon! main aa gaya hoon. Maaaa…! tu-ne dekha naa maa….. yeh bhains kitna footage kha rahi hai…. doh-doh episode ho gaye….. par abhi tak saali ka narco test poora nahi hua……
Maaaaa….. main pak gaya hoon….. maaa…! Agar tu bol de maaaa….. toh main iss bhains ka khoon pi jaaoonga!

Maa : Arre beta! iss-ka khoon pi kar kya karega? Jaa, ja kar iss-ka doodh le aa…. phir main tujhe apne haathon se kheer bana kar khilaoongi!

Dharmendra : Maaaaa…… tu sach kah rahi hai maaaa…..? Toh jaise hi iss-ka narco test poora hoga…… main iss bhains ko un kutton ke haath se chhuda laaoonga…….maaa….. Mujhe aashirwaad de……. Maaa……!  
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Kya bhai log! kaisa hai? Apun naa….. Dharmendra ka pakka fan hai…. iss-liye apun usko apun ki taraf se….. bole toh tribute diyela hai…….

Yeh sala narco test karte-karte itna time lag gaya ki circuit aur apun ka sara nasha-ich utar gayela tha…… circuit bola - Bhai! ab toh tu laaloo ko katwa-ich daal….. sala! time jyada lag gaya toh bhains ka nasha bhi utar jaayega….

Toh apun log jaldi se narco test poora kar daal-te hain….. kya!

Pehle Re-cap dene ka :

Doctor : Achcha! yeh laaloo gata bhi hai…… Chalo….. phir tum dono me final tension kabhi chaaloo hua?
Bhains : Apun bahut koshish karti rahi….. par dheere-dheere jawani dhal rahi thi…… apun Priyanka Chopra se Rekha banti jaa raheli thi……. uss-ka man phir se bhatak-ne laga tha…… apun uss-ko patane ke chakkar mein ek doosri bhains se advice liya aur paas ke hospital mein Botox ka injection lagwane ke liye gayi…….. apun ki skin phir se chamak-dar kaali hone lagi…… apun bahot khush thi……. soch raheli thi……. abhi apun apni jawani wapas paa legi aur phir se woh apun ko apni baahon mein bhar lega……..
Yehi-ich sochte-sochte apun wapas tabele mein pahunchi……… Wahan apun jo dekha toh apun ka hosh-ich udd gaya……

Abhi Aa-ge :

Doctor : Aaila! tu botox ka injection lagwa-ne gayeli thi?
Bhains : Kya doctor? yeh joh tu hollywood mein heroin-o ko dekh kar laar tapkata rehta hain naa….. woh sab ki sab buddhi-khoosat yeh-ich injection laga-laga kar jawan bani rehti hain….. baat karta hai….. huh!

Doctor : Achcha,achcha! haan toh tu-ne kya dekha jo tere hosh-ich udd gaye?
Bhains : (nafrat ki bhatti mein sulag-ti hui) woh kamina….. kutta……. apun ki jawan behen ko chhed raha tha. Aur phir behla-fusla kar uss ka doodh bhi nikal liya. Aur woh kamini….. mujhe dekh kar poonch hila-hila kar it-raane lagi.

Ek-ich din mein uss-ne meri behen ko meri souten bana dala…… main bechari sirf doodh ka ghoont pi kar reh gayi.

Doctor : Doodh ka ghoont? par woh toh….. khoon ka ghoont hota hai naa??
Bhains : Ae! apun ko Dharmendra samajh rakha hai kya?….. jo baat-baat par khoon pi-ne ki dhamki deta hai. apun doodh ka ghoont hi piti hai…… kuch ukhaad sakta hai toh ukhaad le!

Doctor : Arre baba! chal wahi-ich theek….. toh phir tu-ne laaloo ko kaat liya?
Bhains : Aai-hi! Katwaa-ne ki badi jaldi ho raheli hai tere ko? tere ko kaatoon kya?……….. apun ne yeh annyay bhi sah liya….. woh dono saath-saath ho gaye…. aur mujhe akela chhod diya. Aur phir thode din baad woh meri do

chhoti behno ko lekar Dilli chala gaya…..  mujhe saando ke bheech akela chhod kar…… (ro-ne lagi bechari!)

Doctor : yeh toh bahut bura hua……tere saath!….. phir kya hua?
Bhains : Uss kamine ne naa jaane mujhse kis janam ka badla nikala ki woh hum bhainso ke khaane ka chara bhi sab bech dala…… sala! jinka doodh nikal-nikal kar peeta tha, unhi ka chara bech khaya…… kitna bada ghotala kiya…..

Doctor : Hmm….. achcha, phir kya hua?
Bhains : phir bachcha hua……..

Doctor : Bachcha…..??
Bhains : arre bachiya re! jin saando ke beech mein laaloo mujhe chhod kar gaya tha…… woh mujh-se raakhi thodi bandhwate the! apun lut gayi….. barbaad ho gayi…… uss zalim ke kaaran! (phir ro padi bechari!)

Doctor : Apun tera dard samajhta hai……
Bhains : Achcha…… tu bhi bachiya paida kiya kya?

Doctor : Arre! bole toh….. apun ko tere se hamdardi hai…….. achcha! phir kya hua?
Bhains : apni bachiya ka chehra dekh kar apun saare dukh bhool gayi…..tabhi decide kar liya ki ab ussi ke liye jeena hai…. uss-ka poora dhyan rakhe-gi…… uss-ko saaf rakhe-gi…… uss-ko smart banayegi…….Uss-ko bold banayegi

Doctor : Arre! seedhe bol naa ki uss-ko Mallika Sherawat banayegi……..
Bhains : Haan banayegi….. tere ko kya? kam se kam mardo ko apni ungli par toh nachayegi….naa!

Doctor : Arre baba! tu story pakad….. kitna footage kha rahi hai…!…. phir kya hua?
Bhains : Woh ek baar phir aaya……. aur uss-ki nazar apun ki bachiya par pad gayi. Pehle uss-ne apun ko barbad kiya aur ab woh apun ki bachiya par buri nazar daal raha tha….. apun ek-dum attention ho gayeli thi aur apni bachiya ko apne se door nahi hone deti thi…….

Doctor : Phir….?
Bhains : Ek raat ko jab apun apni bachiya ke saath so raheli thi tab laaloo tabele mein aaya….. uss-ne chupke se

apun ki bachiya ko utha liya aur jaane laga…… tabhi bachiya chilla-yi……. Moo….Moo!

Doctor : Moo….Moo….? Maa…..Maa….. nahin?
Bhains : Arre! usko abhi bolna kidhar aata hai? chhoti si toh hai…… grammar par mat jaa…… emotion ko pakad!

Doctor : Ok….ok! aage batao….
Bhains : bachiya ki awaz sun kar apun jaag gayi…..dekha laaloo uss-ko le kar jaa rahela tha…. apun chilla-yi….. kutte…..kamine…..chhod de meri beti ko…… lekin woh nahi ruka…… woh slow motion mein aage jaa raha tha aur main slow motion mein khoonte se rassi chhuda rahi thi……..

Doctor : Arre! fast forward kar le……
Bhains : arre! emotional scene public ko slow motion mein-ich dekhne mein maza aata hai………………. woh aage jaa raha tha….. bachiya chilla rahi thi….. tabhi rassi toot gayi…… apun daud padi…… apun uss-ke karib pahunch gayi……. aur phir apun ne apne laaloo ke pichwaade mein daant gada diye………

Doctor : (gehri saans leta hua) toh tu-ne usse kaat liya…….
Bhains : nahi re!…….. apun ke muh mein uss-ki dhoti aa gayi……. woh kamina nanga-nanga bhaag khada hua…..
Apun ki bachiya bhi uss-ke haath se chhooth gayi…… bas apun ke liye wahi-ich kaafi tha…….

Doctor : (tension mein) woh toh theek hai…… par phir laaloo ko kata kisne?
Bhains : Rabri ne!

Doctor : (sala! surprise ho gaya)….. Rabri ne…… laaloo ke pichwade mein…….. kyon kata???
Bhains : arre! woh bechari toh apni mafik-ich seedhi-saadhi hai……. bechari padhi likhi toh hai nahi……. apne bhai  ki baat theek se samajh nahi paayi…….

Doctor : kya nahi samajh paayi….?
Bhains : woh kya hai….. jab apun laaloo ka dhoit kheench liya toh……laaloo ka sala jaldi se ek naya dhoti le aaya….. jab laaloo ne dhoti pehen liya toh woh khush ho gaya…..laaloo ko rabri ke paas le gaya aur bolne laga….. jiji dekha….. kaisi lagi? jija ji zara ghoomiye…… jiji……yeh cotton ki cheez kaisi lagi? batao naa….. yeh cotton ki cheez kaisi lagi?

ab rabri bechari anpadh…… cotton ko samjhi kaatan!…. matlab kaat-ne ko keh raha hai….
Uss-ne socha ki bhai pooch raha hai ki yeh kaatan ki cheez kaisi hai? toh uss-ne bola….. arre bhaiyaa! ab kaat lete hain….. phir bata-te hain ki kaisi hai…… aur uss-ne laaloo ke pichwaade mein kaat liya….. wahi-ich nishan pada hai…..

Apni biwi ki karas-taani chupaa-ne ke liye yeh kamine log apun ko phasa diya hai….. apun toh be-kasoor hai!!
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Toh bhai log! aakhir sach saamne aa-ich gaya. toh bolo….. narco test ki jai!!

Abhi tum log ko iss story se kya seekh mila……….? Arre mamu! theek se padhne-likhne ka…. agar rabri angrezi padhi-likhi hoti…. toh itna sab bawal kai-ko hota?

Waise bole toh….. yeh angrezi hai-ich badi confusing….. bole toh…. circuit bhi ek baar pit chuka hai…. bachpan mein…. issi wajah se…..

Hua kya….ki woh apne bapu ke saath kap-de ki dukan par gaya….. dukaan-dar ne poocha….. kya lene ka….. cotton, polyester, denim….. tabhi circuit bol pada…… Teri Kaat loonga…….

Bas phit circuit ke bapu ne woh maar lagayi…..ki circuit bhag khada hua….. aur apun se takra gaya…. tabhi-ich se woh apun ke saath hai……..

Bhai log! abhi thode mahine mein apun ki picture ka third part ban-na chaaloo hone jaa rahela hai….. jisme apun ko america jaane ka hai….. tabhi-ich sala apun itne time se angrezi seekhne ki koshish kar rahela hai……. bahut

mehnat karne ka hai…… iss-liye chalta hai…….

(Dharmendra Style mein) Gaon waalon! abhi main jaa raha hoon…… par phi wapas aaoonga…… sab log achcha-achcha comment likh dena….. warna ek-ek ko chun-chun ke haddi todoonga……. Maaaaa……. main aa raha hoon…….maaaa….!