Newshound
Newshound
I am an avid reader of newspapers, but I religiously avoid the headlines and P3. Lead stories make me feel guilty for all the wrongs that are happening in the world around people like us. P3 and its people reconfirm that all is certainly not well with us and our world. So, I look for news on the extraordinary, the weird, and the whimsical: we all need a change, don’t we?
And I must say there are so many things happening across the continents and the oceans which bring a much-needed smile – and we certainly need to smile more, what with the depressing news emanating from every nook and cranny. I share some such interesting, if not informative pieces, here…
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Dear old baingan is in the news for all the right and wrong reasons. The bhurtha has never tasted so good! Jairam Ramesh walks around with a baingan garland one day. The PM and the FM and the AM take sides and pot shots at one another on the `Great Indian Baingan – I mean Bt – Debate’ the next day. The whole Union Cabinet holds a special baingan meet the third day even as the organic bhurtha brigade holds a baingan throwing parade in Parliament Street…
And in the midst of it all, there is exhilarating news from nearby Gurgaon which should raise our spirits in no small measure. Some Gurgaon farmers – certainly not tipsy by any means – have declared to the benefit of the wide world of baingan aficionados that the IMFL (Indian Made Foreign Liquour, for the uninitiated) and even the local brew can give `high’ yield of our solanum melongena variously called egg plant, aubergine or simply brinjal! It doesn’t end there: riding on the `high’, they get better shape too! What more can you ask for from IMFL! Now I wonder if IMFL has the same impact on us homo sapiens too: the `high’, of course, is known, but better yield and better shape? I leave it to you! Any way, the next time you see a well shaped baingan or savour tasty bhurtha, blame it on IMFL!
Speaking of liquor, news is that alcohol intake is on the decline worldwide: the surveyors probably haven’t heard of a place called Kerala, I say!
Another liquour study has come out with an interesting revelation: it has argued that anti-booze advertisements can, in fact, have the opposite effect – that it may lead to alcohol abuse!
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The `brain’ which has a liquour connection by all means is also in the news for good reasons. I am delighted, though a bit intrigued, by a study which suggests that the brain has areas devoted to learning nouns and verbs! But what about the pronouns and the adverbs and the adjectives and the various tenses! I am very tense about this, I tell you.
The other brain study makes me feel relaxed, more so because it has the stamp of approval from the one and only University of California at Berkeley. The worthies there have concluded after protracted research that a nap boosts brain’s learning power! You see, none of you can grudge us, government servants any more, if we take frequent naps during office hours. Rest assured, we are only improving our brain power and exercising those areas that help us enhance our understanding of nouns and verbs when we take those naps! More power to the brain – and such pioneering studies!
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Speaking of studies and surveys, I found a prominent news item declaring that there is a gaping gap between the generations! Yawn! It is more like `breaking news’ on assorted TV channels: we grew up with the knowledge that there was always a gap between the generations, gaping, yawning or otherwise…
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Frogs are stealing a march over pedestrians – at least in France! A frog & toad friendly activist group has demanded that road crossings should be earmarked for their pets! So, now, pedestrians can wait: the Fs&Ts will get the right of way first. I would love to see that procession at Rue Leonardo da Vinci, Square Delambre and Passage Poncelet! Maneka Gandhi should take note!
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If frogs and toads cross, can dogs be far behind! Every dog has its day, whether it is depressed or not. But I never realized the gravity of dog depression till I read the findings of this path breaking research which has led to the manufacture of an anti-depressant pill exclusively for dogs! Incidentally, the symptoms of depression in dogs are very revealing: excessive licking, whimpering – and, hold your breath, tail chasing! I feel guilty: and I miss Boney, Dickey and Rocky of childhood days who never stopped licking, whimpering and tail-chasing; I never knew they were so depressed. May God bless their souls! Nonetheless, the drug discovery, though late, is indeed welcome. And to make up for the lost time, the manufacturers have imparted beef flavor to the pill. I loved the pill’s name the most: Reconcile! Even dogs have to be humored, I now know!
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We all have our obsessions and intense likings – and brand loyalties, haven’t we? Josh and Ting Li of New York have taken brand loyalty to Empire State Building heights! They are die-hard apple fans: not the one with which Eve lured Adam, or the one which fell on dear Sir Isaac’s head, or even the one which, when taken a day, keeps the dog – I mean the doc, away. They are pure and simple loyalists of apple, the comp company. They have reason enough to be ones: they met in an apple store in Big Apple, and the rest went according to the script, except when it came to saying `I do” which they said as `iDo’! They dedicated their bliss to apple, read their wows from iPhones, and tied their rings to a ribbon wrapped around an iPod! They even asked the poor priest to dress up as Steve Jobs, the apple head (no pun intended). What more could apple have asked for! I am sure quite a few rivals are saying, `that’s a rotten apple there’! I wish the apple duo a long and blissful future ahead with their apples (pun intended)!
When we talk of marriage, the pessimists in us also look at the prospects of a divorce. But an optimist Mexican restaurateur has turned very entrepreneurial. He has advertised that his exclusive restaurant in Downtown Mexico City is available for holding birthday parties, wedding parties – and divorce parties!
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We read of depression and divorce. Depression can hit men too, before or after divorce. And when men are in depression, they can do funny things. In the US of A, a man was booked for riding on the car bonnet after a heated argument with his girl friend in a moving car. No, no, he wasn’t booked for being on the hood: his crime was that he was attired only in his underwear! And mind you, in freezing temperature. I am left wondering what extreme depression he must have faced for this near naked show on a frozen street! No `Reconcile’, may be!
The other guy in depression turned a little too adventurous, though. After a heated argument with his GF, he went about crushing thirty cars, yes full 30 cars, before the long arms of the police caught up with him! I am not sure what he has been booked for!
When we are on the subject of men and women and drug discoveries, I must share with you the news about the findings of another exciting study: curvaceous women can have a drug-like effect on men!
Women, curvaceous or not so curvaceous, are without doubt miraculous; and even in this age and time of apples and iPhones, miracles do happen. Padma Laxmi testifies to that. She divorced The Muse Salman Rushdie a few years ago; currently she is in the family way. While she refuses to speak of paternity issues, and justifiably so, she has insisted it is `a medical miracle’. I wish her the best.
Another curvaceous woman survived bullets in the Wild West: and how? Her breast implants, reportedly, came in the way!
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Son is in a quandary. He says he knew there were tigers, the most prominent being the Royal Bengal Tigers like Saurav Ganguly. And now he has a problem: the newspapers have been talking of Tamil Tigers and Mumbai Tigers, and son wants to know whether they are really paper tigers as some political rivals call them. His next question is even more puzzling: are they a dangerous species or are they an endangered species? I don’t have any answer and so I take the easy way out: `Ask mom’.
Son is a keen student of history and geography. The Egyptian Mummy has fascinated him so much to the extent that he has been demanding a visit to the land of the Pharaohs. But the sudden outbursts from Mumbai of an Italian Mummy have taken him by surprise. He is confused whether the protagonists’ knowledge of geography and history is deficient: or limited to Mumbai only!
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And friends, finally, I am migrating; ole friend and pardner VT had asked me sometime ago if I am going to: I said, let me wait and see. A couple of months ago, I visited my iLand in the morning as usual, and found to my horror an announcement which read something like we have migrated you and your friends and comments! It was intimidating, to say the least. I thought of wresting the initiative from the Rediff administrator by migrating myself; but again VT came in the way!
Now, after reading about the findings of yet another study, I am compelled to migrate. I am embarrassed, to say the least: the women of Chennai, Mumbai, Kolkata and Delhi have categorically declared that they won’t kiss or have anything to do with men with moustache or a beard! How can they be so unfair to the likes of me who have both! It’s not cricket, I say!
But, a window of hope opens when another of yearning closes! A new study, this time in UK, has found that women there are crazy for men with facial stubble: well, I can always do a trimming! And then they say you should be a `geeky’ personality: I am checking it out on wiki to see if I fit the bill. The third preference is a hairy chest: I have no comments on that. But I score very high on the fourth and the fifth: the women of Britannia love guys who shed a few tears while watching films (which I do very copiously, especially when Kajol is in distress, much to the disgust of son and mom), and ones who read books (which I plead guilty of)!
So, friends, all is not lost for me: I am migrating; and I request VT not to intervene this time!
