Here are some jokes.
WARNING: Some of them are explicit so please dont proceed if you can not take them
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One day a man calls his wife from his IDEA mobile his call gets cross connected to some other lady.They still keep on talking..they start liking each other..and finally they get married. what MORAL do u get???
An IDEA can change your WIFE!!
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An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Sardar were doing construction work on the 20th floor of building. They were eating lunch when the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, Im going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunch box and said, “Burritos again?? If I get burritos one more time, Im going to jump, too.” The Surdar opened his lunch and said,”Parathe again.If I get a parathe one more time, Im jumping, too.”
The Next Day: The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.The Mexican opens his lunch box, sees a burrito and jumps to his death. The surdar opens his lunch, sees the parathe and also jumps to his death.
At the funeral, the Irishmans wife is weeping. She says, “If I had known how tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again.” The Mexicans wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didnt realize he hated burritos so much.” Everyone turned and stared at the Surdars wife, and she said, “Hey, dont look at me… that dumb-ass used to make his own lunch”.
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What would Dharmendra say to Hema Malini if he wants to tell her to call him up…?
Ring De Basanti!!
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A sweet girl goes to Banta’s shop and said: Mujhe underwear dikhao.
Banta sharmate hue: Aaj pehan kar nahin aaya.
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Santa and banta were caught raping a girl. They were called for
identification parade. When the girl arrives, both Santa and Banta shout together: Yahi thee, Yahi thee”
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Shahajan moorkh tha jo itna kharcha kiya TAJ par…
Har raat nayi mumtaaj aa jaati us kharche ke BYAAJ par…..
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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
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1. What is Common between : Krishna, Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..? Sardar ji Replied : All are Born on Government Holidays.
2. Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his Phone Book & said “My Mobile No. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610″
3. Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College, Banta : Really, what is he studying, Santa : No no he is not studying, they r Studying him.
4. Chinti aur Hathi ka Prem Vivah hua. Agle Din Hathi ki Maut ho gai…!!
Chinti Boli Wah Mohabbat, EK din ka pyar hua, ab sari umra kabra khodnemai bitegi..!!
5. Santa Banta ko 3 live bomb mile, Police ko dene chale, Santa agar koi bomb raste mai Phat jaye to..?
Banta : Jhooth bol denge 2 hi mile the…!!!
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A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” the man asked. The wife replied “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket”.
The man said “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on”
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
“Your horse called up”
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets
his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans on and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.”
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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost
the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
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The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”
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What’s the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Sardar Detective
A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were geting trained to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first Singh answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second Singh smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming
smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the Singh replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
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BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Oh, Gud, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.
1) Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.
4) Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?”
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.
7) Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.
Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.
9) Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.
10) Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.
11) Teacher : ” Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”
12) Teacher : ” George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”
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ek baar himesh reshammiya ka shishya gaane ke competition mein
participate karta hai…lekin woh buri tareh se haar jaata hai…iski wajeh se himesh bhai poori zindagi gaa nahi paata…kyon???
kyonki uske shishya ne haarkar uski naak katvaadi…aur naak ke bina apna himesh bhai kya gaayega??
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Code bante hain … Release ka sama hota hai …
Aise mausam mein hi to bugs jawan hota hai …
Dil ki khunnas PM jabaan se nahi kehte …
Ye fasana to appraisal mein bayan hota hai …
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Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.
Papa told her, “Maria, you’ll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother”.
So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo.
But after telling papa again, he said, “Maria there’s trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling.
Please don’t tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers.”
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and
said “My darling, do what makes you happy.
Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa.”
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Jokes Galore
Posted in jokes.
– December 7, 2006
The Departed
Here is the hardest thing to digest: Rev. Martin Scorsese NEVER won Oscar. My heart bleeds for him. You know why? Coz he is not just Martin Scorsese. He is Martin “Taxi Driver”_ “Raging Bull”_”Last Temptation of Christ”_”Goodfellas” Scorsese. I watched movies for him. And i have to admit that Aviator scared me. I felt that sense of disbelief. For me The Aviator was more like a maverick seeking stamp of approval from Academy. It was Howard Hughes seeking approval for his oversize airbus!! Duh!!. They don’t need to.
I hive a sigh of relief when Martin missed the bus. It was not the movie for which he should have got it anyways. Once bitten, twice shy. I was scared to watch The Departed. Last week in theater and finally i gave in to the temptation. And boy, all these critics are right. This is return of the king and his cult.
It is based on a Hong Kong movie named Infernal Affairs. I didn’t see Infernal Affairs and now i don’t want to see it either. For me it would be The Departed.
Story is simple. It is about two rats. A Don’s (Jack Nicholson) guy (Damon) working with cops(Wahlberg and Sheen) and other is a cop(DiCaprio) working with underworld. Respective parties start smelling rat and that ends up in a Shakespearean climax. There are twists, turns and u-turns. There are questions about truth, honesty (by the way as Vera says that they are not the same), morality, guns, blood and gore. And above all their relevance.
Still it is not all rosy. Script is somehow half-backed. Performances are top notch but they are bound to be as good as the script itself.
Jack Nicholson is an eccentric don and he is best suited to play these eccentric characters. I am sure he could sleep walk here. Watch out that scene when he smells DiCaprio and you know that he is at his usual self. Plus point is, his usual self is well restrained. He does not go over the top too many times and that is an achievement. His presense is father figurely and he towers above all.
Damon and Wahlberg are the weakest links. They perform well but their characters are half-backed. Damon is evil. Understood. What i can not comprehend it why evil has to be confused as well. Worst he confuses viewers too. Grey is understandable. Now don’t tell me for the heck of making it grey you will not color it at all. That is precisely what his character looks like. There is neither evil joy nor that strong repentance.
Wahlberg is silly and he is as silly as his quote: May be. May be not. May be go and F*%k yourself. Good for few laughs but that is it. And that penultimate scene is the most expected one.
Vera as psychologist Madolyn passes the muster. Story takes bit of a liberty when it deals with her but i don’t mind. She is an eye candy and you don’t mind making few assumptions to make her and DiCaprio come together.
And then there is DiCaprio. Aha, he is the soul of this movie. He is in rocking form. He holds his own good when he is sharing screen space with Jack and that is quite an admirable achievement. His role is properly sketched out and he carries it with amazing elan. Watch out for his conversation with the cops or his one on one with Jack. His helplessness looks so real that you instantly connect to him. And when he starts coming to control the dynamics of the movie, you start rooting for him. For me he is the hero of the movie. Give this guy an Oscar nomination again and this time he would get lucky.
Story telling is KaneAbleSque and very engrossing. Flashbacks are inserted beautifully and if you are not admiring the substance, you are definitely admiring the story telling style. First and last shots are 24 carat gems. That first holds your attention by collar and last shot doesn’t let it go.
DiCaprio asks: The question is who thinks that he can do it better than you do? Let me answer it on behalf of Martin. No One!!
Now my question is: Will the big bosses of Academy pay heed to this stunning Oscar bid?
If you haven’t seen it, you don’t know what you are missing. Go for it.
5/5
Posted in Weekend Watch.
– December 4, 2006
What to read??
Enough of what i am reading.
Now tell me what should i read?
I read fiction as well as non-fiction.
Write your suggestions and would let you know my thoughts after i read those recommended books.
Posted in Books.
– November 27, 2006
Current Reads
Read as if there is no tomorrow!!!
This is what i am reading nowadays:
Tech:
Refactoring (Improving The Design of existing Code) by Rev. Martin Fowler
Data Structures and Algorithms in Java by Michael T. Goodrich and Roberto Tamassia
Non-Tech:
Moor’s Last Sigh - Salman Rushdie (Would write more on him sometime later. This is his 4th novel i am reading)
Complete works of Kahlil Gibran (Finished The Prophet.)
Short Story collection of Isaac Asimov (Checkout my post on The Nightfall)
100 Short Stories by O. Henry (You can read all of them online as well at: http://www.literaturecollection.com/a/o_henry. I am done with 65 outta 100)
Posted in Current Reads.
– November 27, 2006
Nightfall
I hate Science Fiction!!
All these Sci-Fi authors start writing junk under garb of science and it starts looking like some mythological or cult crap.
I have a friend and he was hellbent that i read this Isaac Asimov fellow. He gave me second volume of Isaac Asimov’s short story collection. I had to read it coz he started reading Harry Potter after my pursuasion.
I was traveling this weeknd and thought lets have a look. Since my college days, i see 2 things in a book if it follows chapter-pattern:
- 1) How many pages are there in a chapter?
- 2) Importance of that chapter.
Well, they say that Nightfall is the best Sci-Fi story ever(criterion # 2). Quite a statement to make. Hmm??? 50 odd pages (criterion # 1). Lets give it a shot. And boy this is what i call a story.
Setting is simple. There is an imaginary planet named “Lagash” and it has 6 suns. These 6 Good Fellas take care that it never NIGHTS on Lagash. And after 2.5K years, owing to some planetary arrangementes, finally Night falls on Lagash and wrecks havoc.
This story has everything. Right from Cult-Science conflict to women oppression (You never see a girl in this whole story. I think the psychologist Sheerin could have been a beautiful dame) to a newshound.
Positives:
Writing is simple and Asimov takes care that sceince is spoon-feeded. For example gravitational pull is better explained here than it was in M.P. Board’s high-school books. Under the garb of Sci-Fi, it still remains a story of humans, their 3 primary fears (noise, fall and dark) and their indomitable spirit. And boy, there is this description of Night and Stars. I have seen over 10,000 nights and still it scared me. All the poetic proses go out of window and you can sense that how lucky you that Night Falls every day on mother earth.
Negatives:
Sometimes it reads pretty stupid. For example the way one character comes up with the explanation of starts. I was looking out for new words (after all we are talking about Lagash here) and i must say that i was disappointed. All you get here is a new meaning to the word “Claustrophobia”.
Overall:
A must read, especially if you are not big fan of Sci-Fi and want to take first baby steps.
Posted in Weekend Read.
– November 27, 2006
Here i come!!
OK. Here i come!!!
Well, friends asked, relatives pursued and atlast innerself forced to start it. Finally i am starting the blog which i should have started atleast a year back.
What i intend to write? good question and here is my pathetic answer “Everything under the SUN”. It may be books, movies, music, politics, technology and CRICKET (an implicit invitee).
Happy reading!!
Posted in Introducing Myself.
– November 27, 2006
