More than a century after his death, Oscar Wilde still intrigues us. This poet, novelist, playwright, and essayist was also his era’s leading aphorist. George Bernard Shaw called him “incomparably the greatest talker of his time — perhaps of all time.” The personality of Wilde as a consummate conversationalist was admired by everyone who encountered him. The smooth flowing utterance, sedate and self-possessed, oracular in tone, whimsical in substance, carried on without halt, or hesitation or change of word with the queer zest of a man perfect at the game.

So perfect were Wilde's verbal thrusts that his victims were often flattered to have been the cause of them. Wilde claimed he could discuss any subject at any time prepared or not. A companion once took him up on this claim, asking that he discourse on the subject of “The Queen.” Wilde retorted instantly- “The queen is not a subject." Another time a journalist told him, "I never discuss subjects on which I don't know the facts." Wilde quickly observed, “That must limit your conversation frightfully.”

 William Gilbert (of Gilbert and Sullivan) met Wilde at a dinner party. As usual, Wilde dominated the gathering with his stories and wit. "I wish I could talk like you", said Gilbert during a rare pause. "I would keep my mouth shut and claim it a virtue!"

 "Ah!, That would be selfish", responded Wilde." I could deny myself the pleasure of talking, but not to others the pleasure of listening."

Now and again Wilde found himself bested at banter. One occasion took place in America when a lady told him something was "awfully nice".

'But "nice" is a such a nasty word ,' said a bored- looking Wilde

"Really, Mr. Wilde?", she responded. "But is 'nasty' such a nice word?"

Wilde once watched one of his old professors   give a lecture in London. The man was painfully soft spoken. Afterward, he asked some of the members of the audience if they had heard him. "Overheard, now and then", said Wilde.

The French actor Coquelin once invited Oscar Wilde to visit him at his home. Wilde asked when he would be there.

"I am always home about nine o'clock", said Coquelin

"very well, then I shall come one evening"

"But, Monsieur Wilde, it is nine o'clock in the morning I meant."

"Oh! Monsieur Coquelin", said Wilde who routinely slept until mid-day,” you are a remarkable man indeed. I am much more bourgeois than you are. I always go to bed about four or five o'clock. I have never been able to stay awake until that hour."

Before leaving London for a lecture tour to USA in 1882, Wilde took elocution lessons from a friend. "I want a natural style ", Wilde told his teacher, "with a touch of affectation".

"Well", said the teacher, "Haven't you got that, Oscar?"

One of his favorites story about America involved those the southern states whose older citizens dated the important events before the Civil war. "How beautiful the moon is tonight", remarked Wilde to a Southerner. "Yes", the old southerner replied, "but you should have seen it before the War".

At the end of his lecture tour, Wilde developed a stock response for those who asked how it had gone. "A great success", he would tell them. "I had two secretaries. One to answer my letters and the other to send locks of hair to my admirers.  I have had to let them both go, poor fellows: "One is in hospital with writer's cramps, and the other is quite bald".

During a dinner conversation,  Wilde told a host that he’d toiled strenuously that day. “I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning and took out a comma,” he said.

“And in the afternoon?” she asked.

“In the afternoon,” responded Wilde, “– well, I put it back again.”

As this legendary genius rightfully observed, "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh". Good conversation is an ephemeral art, and as the autumn breezes blow brown leaves to eternity, the spring green freshness becomes only a memory. So it is with Oscar Wilde. The wicked wit of Wilde still glows green.

The Story Of  Lean PGR

Fear of death has now made me a compulsive health addict. My neck elongates like a giraffe when someone talks about topics such as Health, Diet, Exercise, Salads and Fruits. My wife says these words hold an erotic appeal to my senses.

My son asked me one day-"Daddy, Are you pregnant?" That is when I came to the realization that I love food more than fitness. When it came to dieting, I was never an optimist or a pessimist. I was just a Gastronomist! I saw life as a garnished garden of goods to eat, drink and be merry. An epicurean extrovert from womb to tomb-that has been my mantra.

I heard my first warning signal about my health at the age of thirty when a doctor examined me and told that my blood pressure was 140/90. I weighed a modest 85 kg. "Mr. Nair", he said, " If you want to live long, avoid smoking, drinking and women."  Will it help doctor? I eagerly asked him. "Well, not exactly, but it makes you feel that your days are longer". He then advised me to diet and exercise.

The following day was my third wedding anniversary and I had promised my wife to take her to the first Pizza shop in Cochin. I ordered two Pizzas for each of us.  The Waiter looked at me and asked " How would you like your pizza sliced- six or eight pieces? I thought about my diet and said,  " Six please, I wouldn't be able to eat eight?"

I had heard that if you eat slowly, you eat less. Having grown up taking meals with my three foodie sisters, I had no qualms on this maxim (as I was often left with less to eat). Somehow, my son's verbal abuse led me to make  a policy decision ' "Never eat more than you can lift". I also decided to launch a mission-'Operation lean PGR'.

I thought of acquiring some ancient wisdom on this subject from books and bought a slim diet book to start with. Btw, the bestsellers in book stalls are cook books and the second biggest seller is diet books-how not to eat what you have learned how to cook. Dieting is the time when days seem longer and meals after meals seem shorter. A curious friend enquired of my strange diet. I replied I am on "Sea food diet". "Come on PGR, you are a vegetarian and moreover seafood is fatty"- my friend cautioned. I clarified that what I meant was , 'I see food but I don't eat it'.

The toughest part of my diet wasn’t watching what I eat. It’s watching what other people eat. I realized that dieting is like public speaking; I have to keep my mouth shut at the right time- such as breakfast, lunch and dinner.

The following day I met my fat friend Ramesh who was running Physics Chamber Tutorials in Cochin. He said Vegetables are a must on a diet plan. He suggested carrot cake, Baigan Fry, and pumpkin pie. He advised me to eat standing up as what you eat standing up doesn't count. Another recommendation was to drink lot of water after eating Hyderabadi baingan bartha. The oil will just float making it light. His suggestion was to eat the kind of food that will fight it out inside  (eat cat and dog meat together) reducing the calorie intake. I then saw him gobbling a giant plate of Chicken Biriyani in less than a minute. When I asked him why he ate in such haste, his reply was that doctor had told him "Fast!".

Well, the only thing that I lost after my dieting was my patience. Depressed with my dull diet I swiftly switched to my second Operation to look lean ' "Operation Exercise". The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. My first exercise was horse riding. I found a coach and took it up for two weeks and it really worked. The  coach later told me that the horse lost 15 kg .

I then took up jogging The first day thrilled me. I was running along the Foreshore Road in Cochin early morning and I heard footsteps behind me. When I turned back I saw PT Usha running just behind me. I realized my true potential only then.

My last coaching in running came when I read an Ad in a hotel during a business trip. It said "Reduce 5 Kg in a week". I called the number. A sweet voice answered, ” Sir, deliver a Check for Rs 2000 at the Hotel counter and we will send a representative to your room in the morning.”

The next morning someone knocked at my door. When I opened, there stood a beautiful damsel in a glamorous dress with a sign board hanging around her neck. It read- “If you catch me you can have me”.

Well, I skipped my doctor's advice to avoid maidens to have this maiden offer in my exercise program. I chased her upstairs, downstairs and on to the hotel lawn. I could not catch her till evening. The chase ended by evening.  Each day my hope and excitement touched a new peak. At the end of the week, I had lost exactly 5 Kg.

A month later I returned to the same hotel, rang up that fitness firm and asked them whether they had any better weight reduction program. They said there was a course, which guaranteed a weight reduction of 10 Kg in a week. I was more excited and straightaway made the deal.

As expected, the next morning someone knocked at my door. When I opened the door with great expectation I saw a man and a Gorilla. The gorilla had a signboard around its neck and it read- “If I catch you, I will have you.”

Fear gripped my soul and I ran for my dear life and that was when I really listened to my heartbeat. Though this chase ended by evening, I could not eat even a morsel of food out of mortal fear. At the end of the week, I had become virtually weightless. For many days after that incident ,my wife did not let me go out, afraid that I might be carried off by the wind. Now whenever I get the feeling to exercise, she asks me to lie down until the feeling passes.

I have now adopted some practical tips.  I move in the company of my fat friends like Suresh and Ramanathan to look lean and light. And to look younger, I walk in the company of some senior citizens here in our India Forum.

If you are doing aerobic reading of this post (heheheing with your mouth), you may have lost a kg by now. You can send a thank you card and invite PGR for a Thanksgiving lean dinner

(A mishmash blog based on produced, plagiarized and polished jokes )

On a recent rainy afternoon, a hungry husband rushed home from his office in his unique Uno car to dine a wholesome meal with his wife. The husband upon entering his house hurriedly called his Biwi's name with an urgent plea to dish out the lunch as he had to rush back to office to attend an important meeting with his Boss at 1:00PM. He called her name "Usha!!!!" , first in a titillating tone, then in a tender tone and finally in that timber tone that many wives are only too familiar , only to receive a silent response . He then enquired the lady servant where their common boss had gone. The servant appraised him that she had gone to her neighbor's domicile to chat 'chalapila' (Nonsense) with her bosom friend Leela. An audible shout -"Usha!" was made opening the Kitchen door in the southern direction but a northern wind buffeted his strident and stentorian pleas.

Hungry and desperate, he sent the servant to fetch her. She promptly returned with the answer "De Varunnu" ( am coming). He tried to while away a few minutes sitting and watching the newly bought ' Neighbor's envy, owner's pride' but his belly was only turning belligerant. He went to the kitchen and tried to open the fridge to cull out the last week's cooking delights to do a self-service to his wolfy-hungry belly. Surprisingly, he found it locked and the servant informed that his caring wife had taken the key with her.

Frustrated, he then sent out his son, who was luckily home preparing for his CBSE 10^th examination, to bring his mother home by force. He also came with the familiar reply " Ippo varuva" (Coming now). Now seemed never and the hungry husband lost his patience. He called the servant and his son, lifted up the fridge and took it to the drawing room of his neighbor Leela and from there he shouted at his wife "Usha, serve me lunch!". Upon hearing a familiar fulsome voice, his wife rushed to the drawing room saying "Ayyo Chetta, I was coming". She then quickly opened the fridge, borrowed a plate from Leela Chechi and warmed up the food from fridge in chechi's microwave oven and served him hot lunch. The unassuming and user friendly husband drove back to his office in his Uno utterly contended and cheerful.

Glossary:

Chetta: Pet name used by married women to address their husband. It also means elder brother

Chechi:Elder sister

It was a typical romantic setting that happens only once in a blue moon in every couple's life. I asked my husband, "Don't I still look like the pretty girl in your dreams?"  He nodded and replied, "Of course dear, the nightmare still continues."

No doubt he belongs to that group of pessimists who believe love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

Husbands are the unfeeling umpires in our life. Last week I told my husband, "Hubby, I had a dream last night that we bought a new Benz car."  He replied, "Excellent dream dear. By the way, in tonight's dream, see if you can come up with the money."

I have been dreaming a lot these days, almost incessantly.  I laugh out loud during my dreams, so loud that my husband is often awakened by my nocturnal guffaws.  He says sometimes it begins as a chuckle, but many a times the laughter just erupts, like as if I had witnessed the funniest thing in the world.

During a midsummer night's dream I shouted "Goal! Goal!". This time my husband was really concerned and took me straight to a psychologist. The psychologist with an air of self-importance asked me, "When do you usually dream?" I replied in full earnest, "Mostly during night. Yesterday, I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering "

He then asked me "Since when have you been suffering from this daily dose of dreams?" I replied, "You see doctor, I joined a new school as a leadership coach and the principal   there keeps rambling-"We should have a dream; We must chase our dreams; I have dream that one day this school; Your dreams are your possibilities." He remarked politely, 'So the whole fault lies with your new job. But what exactly do you dream? '.  I said, "Doctor that depends on many factors. Last night in my dreams donkeys were playing football. The match was very thrilling. My husband's team won 2-1……"  The doctor tried not to look at my husband, and added politely, "Take this tablet this evening and you will be OK." I asked him excitedly ' "Doctor, can I take it tomorrow; tonight is the final match…!"

One day I was having an afternoon nap. When I woke up, I told my husband, “I just dreamt that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?” He smiled indulgently and said, “You’ll know tonight.” That evening, he came home with a small package and gave it to me. Delighted and eager, I opened it with expectant eyes–only to find a book entitled “The meaning of your dreams”.

To get even with my husband, I told him that I had a dream that a bus had run over me. He asked anxiously, "What happened then?"  I said, “Nothing, I was standing under a flyover". 

On learning that my husband had gifted me that book, my naive friend Mini, came to me and said, "Raji, I want your help. Actually, it's not my dream, but my husband's. He told me about it this morning.  It was Halloween and we were expecting some ghosts. The doorbell rang and I opened the door. The ghosts saw me and ran away screaming."  I told Mini, “To interpret such a dream you don't need a book, commonsense is enough!”

Dreams can be risky at times. Yesterday in my dream I saw an eccentric man approaching my bed. Terrified, I asked him, "What are going to do". He replied smilingly, "That is up to you madam. It is your dream". I had to daringly dodge this deviant dream.

Sharing of dreams is a hobby I have carefully cultivated with my friends. One day while chatting with my friend, Fariza, I said, "Last night I had a dream that I was dancing at the Lido beach in Venice. Seeing my waltz, the Hollywood actor Tom Cruise who was on vacation there came to me asked for my hand."  Not to be outdone, my friend Fariza remarked, "That's a nice dream. Let me tell you about the one I had last night. I was in Hollywood, attending the Oscar Award Ceremony. I interrupted and asked her, "Why didn't you call me?"  She replied, "I did. Your answering machine said you were in Venice!."

I had a plan to write a book on all my dreams and my friends' dreams as well and had wisely titled it - "Interpretation of Dreams". When I mentioned this to my friend Sneha Suresh, she told me that someone named Sigmund Freud had already dreamt all my dreams and stole my title as well!

Dear readers, Let your dreams be big and spill over into the day as well. But just remember: - Your dreams don't come true until you wake up and go to work.

My biggest dream these days is to get a good night's sleep.

Children were lined up for the annual dinner at Bhavan's Vidya Mandir School in Cochin. At the head of the dinner table was a large pile of apples. A teacher wrote a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, “Take only one. God is watching.” Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a pile of chocolates. One little boy wrote his own note and put it next to the chocolates. It read, “Take as many chocolates as you want. God is watching the apples.”

School evokes the funniest memories in everyone's life. The fun we had in school had something candid and artless about it. It didn't hurt anyone. It often arose out of our ignorance and uncorrupted mind.

When I was in 4th standard, my history teacher asked a question "How are tides formed". My friend answered, "Teacher, the tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water in the earth rushes towards the moon due to vacuum, as there is no air or water there. I forgot where the sun joins in this fight"

Cadbury Chocolate not only brings water in my mouth but also a smile on my face. You really witness many hilarious moments in a classroom when your teacher is witty and considerate. Our 4^th STD teacher was once giving revision of multiplication lessons. He asked a boy what is the product of 9 and 8. He replied 74. The teacher immediately took a Cadbury chocolate and gave it to him. We protested to the teacher that he should not be given the chocolate, as the answer was 72. The teacher replied "Calm down! Calm down! He is improving. Yesterday he told 88.

Sometimes an indifferent modern student can really puzzle a teacher. The same maths teacher once asked a student "Thomas, if we subtract 75 from 75, what is the difference?" Thomas promptly agreed with the teacher "That is what I say teacher, what the difference is? Why should we worry? Who cares?"

I have started reliving this nostalgia about school days with my school going kids .Fed up with the logic of Arithmetic, my son, when he was in second standard, came and told me "Papa, our Maths teacher is really crazy". I asked him, "Why?" He replied, "Dad, yesterday she taught us that 1+3 is 4, today she is telling 2+2 is four. I don't know what she will come up with tomorrow." Don't you sense an aura of innocence when children make such queries?

Sometimes your kids find new meanings in old sayings. My elder son is quite lazy to wake up in the morning whereas my younger son wakes up with me, takes his breakfast and is ready by 7'O clock. I once taunted my elder son saying that he should learn from his younger brother and advised him "Remember, only the early bird gets the worm". His wise reply was, "Let him have it Papa, I will settle for an Omelet".

Children can be inventive and creative on occasions to outwit you. We were once having a dinner in a friend's house. A girl in third standard proudly brought to me a nature scenery she had painted. I asked her "Meenu, What is this painting of yours supposed to show?". She replied "Uncle, It is a cow eating grass in a meadow". I asked her "But, where is the grass". Meenu answered ' "Why, the cow has eaten it all". I was puzzled and asked her' "But, where then is the cow". She retorted smartly "It has gone to another meadow to look for more grass"

Misunderstanding is a common ground for laughter in school life. I belong to a teacher family. My mother, grandfather, uncle were all teachers. My sister also started her career as a teacher. At the time of her marriage, the school headmaster who had a typical British style of writing put up a notice on the notice board, which read like this- "The teachers and Students of St.Joseph's School, Alleppey convey their heartiest felicitations to Miss Valsala on the occasion of her forthcoming marriage and wish her a long and happy married life". A day after this circular, my sister went to the Headmaster thanking him for his kind gesture but suggested to him that possibly he could have avoided certain tough words like 'forthcoming' because many students asked her what happened in her earlier three marriages.

Kids can be really smart when they come up with ingenious answers. My wife who is also a teacher had this incident to tell me about a 2^nd Std student. She was asking her students about the homework she had given them the previous day. She noticed a boy looking downcast.

She asked, "What happened Paul? Haven't you done the homework?"

"I was stupid teacher. I did my homework but my little brother made an aero plane out of that paper."

" Well, it is too bad Paul that you did not keep your homework paper safely after completing it. Anyway, give it to me, I will try to unfold it"

"Oh! Teacher that is just not possible." said Paul looking sadder. "You see teacher, the plane was hijacked today morning."

Truly, kids say the darndest things

(Just a fabrication based on hodgepodge of Jokes- Personal and Professional. Smile please)

Living with Proverbs

If anything can go wrong it will!

I cursed the Murphy's that testified my worst fear of reaching late. After all, the train was 'Madras Mail' and mails are bound to be late. It was already 10 O'clock in the morning and I had an interview for a job abroad scheduled at 9 O'clock. I pondered a minute ' should I attend the interview now? Yes, I should. The proverb says ' 'Better late than never'. I caught a taxi and ordered the driver to race against time to reach my destination ' that is Hotel Connimara. It was rush hour and that is when the traffic is almost standstill. The driver somehow managed to take me through the thick and thin of the traffic. As soon as I reached the hotel, I rushed to the room where the interview should have been going on. Surprisingly, I saw the agent sitting there alone. I straightaway asked him to lead me to the interview room. "Mr. Nair", he said, " your interview was scheduled at 9 O' Clock. Now it is 10:30".

"Yes, I know, my train was late", I quipped.
"That is not a good excuse", he chided
"Okay, then tell me better one", I retorted fast.

He stared at me with a wry smile. "Mr. Nair, our client needed only two engineers and only two people turned up for the interview and both of them got selected. Don't you know the proverb ' 'Early bird gets the worm'.

Well, "Experience is the mother of wisdom". I returned wise after that encounter. After all, 'Time and tide waits for none'. Anyhow, "There is always next time".

A month later I was back to the same venue to attend the interview for SAFCO in Saudi Arabia. The interview was scheduled at 2 PM and I was there by 1 PM. At 3 PM the same agent came to us and apologized that the team of interviewers missed their scheduled flight and they had only just arrived and were expected at the venue at 4 PM. I said to him ' 'Better late than never'.

Luckily I got selected in the interview for SAFCO. I told this breaking news first to my ambitious and think ahead-ache minded father-in-law. He immediately responded with the saying 'Opportunity seldom knocks twice' and asked me whether my flight ticket was booked. I then went to my more patient father and he advised me not to hurry and countered with the saying ' 'Everything comes to him who waits'. I was in a fix. So to get the opinion of the third umpire, I went to my uncle, who had a steady career in his life and he said ' "Look my son, changing career frequently is not good. Stick to one job. Don't you know ' 'A rolling stone gathers no moss’'?”

My mind started rolling again on hearing this and I thought, 'Why don't I consult my friends and colleagues before firming up my fickle mind'. Above all ' 'A friend in need is a friend indeed'. So I first approached my trusted friend. He motivated me by saying that 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained' and added 'Look PGR, this is the time to seek greener pastures. 'Make hay while the sun shines'. A less ambitious friend tried to dissuade me, "PGR, you have a fine job and good security in FEDO and don't you think A bird in hand is worth two in the bush“. Moreover,' he continued, "Gulf is not that attractive nowadays, - 'All that glitters is not gold'. I then bumped into another colleague of me whom I had not met for sometime. He had got married to a wonderful girl and then divorced a month later. Knowing that 'There is no smoke without fire', I enquired him out of curiosity as to what had happened during that one month. His reply was, "A wonder lasts but nine days". I advised him that "For a happy marriage the husband should be deaf and the wife should be blind". When asked about any plan for remarriage, his comment was "A scalded cat fears cold water". Regarding my idea to go abroad, being more cautious now, his advise was ' "Look before you leap".

It is said that "A wise man takes his own decisions; the ignorant goes with the crowd". I decided to be wise. Moreover, 'He who hesitates is lost' and I finally took the decision to quit my job in FEDO and join SAFCO. I was nearing forty and I didn't want to fulfill the prophecy that "A fool at forty is fool indeed". Instead, I took shelter under another saying ' 'Life begins at forty'.

Winston Churchill once received an invitation from George Bernard Shaw to attend the first performance of a play by him. The invitation contained two tickets and a note "Enclosed are two tickets for attending the first performance of my play. Bring a friend, if you have one". Not to be outdone, Churchill wrote back a reply "Thank you for your invitation. Unfortunately I am engaged on that night. Could you send tickets for a second performance of the play, if there is one".

Life is full of situations where our overconfidence, our curiosity, and our eagerness to act smarter and outwit others, our superiority - all lead us to many verbal duels. Giving and receiving tit for tat is a subject that has fascinated me, being either a victim or a victor on many occasions and having seen such situational comedies in everyday life.

Trying to be overtly polite and polished can sometimes invite lightning snubs. I was once attending the inauguration of a painting exhibition at Kerala Kalapeetom in Cochin. After the ceremony, some of us were engaged in a chat and then the secretary of Kalapeetom , Mr. V. Kaladharan , came to me and introduced a plump full-grown man who was the past correspondent of Times of India. He was a keen connoisseur of classical music. So we instantly established a rapport and only when I was about to leave did I realize that I didn't pay attention to his name when he was introduced. So I posed a bit and asked him in a pretended style "Sir, May I know your good name?" He ripped me with his repartee, " I have only one name and that is Balagopal".

When I was working in FEDO in Cochin there was a colleague of me who used to regularly flee from office during working hours. Once when he was caught, my boss asked him where he had been. He said, " I had been for a haircut". "Well, you know you can't have hair cut during office hours." my boss countered. "Why not? It grows during office hours." my friend replied. "Not all of it", shot back my boss. "Sir that is why I didn't have a full haircut", snapped back my colleague

Unwanted queries and curiosities can sometimes land us into a tit for tat comedy. A few years back, I and my family visited Madras. My brother-in -law had just got married at that time. Our spouses normally show a lot of inquisitiveness to know many things after marriage. One day while roaming in a zoo we came across a hippopotamus, which turned out to be an attraction for my children. Suddenly my sister-in-law asked her hubby "Sanju, Sanju ! Is that Hippopotamus, male or female? " My brother'in- law quenched her curiosity and said "Dear, that should be of interest to only another Hippopotamus"

Sometimes our verbal volleys surprisingly ricochets back on us. While I had been to Dubai during the last shopping festival, I ventured into a gift shop to buy a pearl for my wife. While scanning the price tags, I realized that I needed a fatter wallet to do any purchase there. A smart salesman came to me and asked "Sir, May I help you ". I didn't pay any attention to him and continued my scanning. After sometime he came and asked me again, "Sir, Can I help you". I was about to leave and I thought I would give him a shot. "See, I am now just looking at things. I will come back to you when I am a millionaire'. Before I could smile at my reply, the fellow shot back "Welcome Sir, We are open up to Six O'clock".

Underscoring someone's genuine sense of humor can also  invite surprise rebuttals. I am reminded of an incident that a Naval officer told me. Naval Officers have to undergo regular medical check up to ensure their fitness. Their doctor used to tease everyone with unwanted questions. On one such routine check up session, a smart middle-aged captain was standing in the queue for his turn. While plugging on the ECG, the doctor enquired "When did you have sex last time "? The captain replied "1959". The doctor then tried to pull him " Oh my! Come on man, what is ailing you?" The captain looked at the watch and said, " That is not long ago . Now, it is only 20:15".

Home is the battleground for many give and takes. A friend of me used to quarrel very often with his wife but still managed to maintain their bond thanks to his fine sense of humor. On one occasion he had a nasty verbal exchange with his wife and asked her to go to hell.  A few minutes later she started packing her heritage in her suitcase. By the time my friend had cooled down and asked her "Yes, Where are you going ". "To hell itself", countered his wife. My friend did not loose his balance " Oho! Then, tell my " Salaam" to my father-in- law and "Mother-in-law".

Trying to act smart with your wife will sometimes reveal a smarter face of her. To please my wife, I told her last week that I have plans to take her around the world every year. She shot back "Thank you, At least you are taking me around the sun every year".

 I remember another Occasion when I had to go for a program in the evening at 7 PM. I had told my wife that I wanted to take supper and leave. I was really mad when it was not ready in time. I told her that I am going to a restaurant to have food. My wife then said, " Wait, just 5 minutes". "Will it be ready then?" I screamed from the door. "No, but I will be ready to go with you", retorted my wife

Wit and sharpness at the right moment makes a retort really dazzling. I recall this  riveting riposte of Churchill. Obviously annoyed by an inebriated Winston Churchill, Lady Nancy Astor, an American socialite woman, once taunted him, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee” to which he responded, “Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

Lastly, I once reminded a new Toastmaster in our Toastmasters club that a tie is a must for attending meetings. He looked at me and said. - "Mr. PGR, I need a rope with a knot around my neck only once in my life. Thank God! The time has not come to do that yet". Dear iland reader, you can loosen your tie now and let out a laugh .

(A mishmash based on jokes-Personal and professional )

“Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle”

I had just delivered a speech at a Toastmasters Club in Saudi Arabia. During the break that followed, a young daughter of a Toastmaster who had attended the meeting as a guest came to meet me. My face beamed with delight, as I was anxious to receive her comments.

"That was a very good speech, Uncle." She was smiling as she conveyed her sincere appreciation.

My full-moon face swiftly shrunk like a wilted flower. The last word of her appreciation came as a bolt from the blue and that was the time when I first sank into my midlife blues. It was the beginning of those ‘intimidating Uncle calls’. My face invited widespread attention from the mirror in the days that followed and I still continue my vigilant watch against those tiny lines that secretly invade my face. Nowadays, whenever I smile at a good girl, she thinks that I am her father’s friend.

 Middle age is that time of life when each passing day makes you feel two days older. That is when you feel that Saturday night is the same as Monday morning. That is the time when you wish there was some other way of starting the day than by getting up. Even when you wake up in the spring you feel that you are not springy. You discover that your memory is shorter, your experience longer, your stamina lower and your hairline higher. You think that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

I recently celebrated my 40th birthday. I have now stopped looking forward to my next birthday. I think the only time in life we like to grow old is when we are kids. Kids are often introduced as, “He is only two and half years,” or, “He is just one and half years old. I don’t know why we elders avoid that precious fractional element while mentioning our age. Maybe it is true that, “Life begins at forty.” Well, life not only begins at forty, it begins to show as well. But everything else begins to wear out, fall out or spread out.

 I asked my friend, Sunny Jacob, "What are the symptoms that indicate that you have reached this middle menopause?”Well”, Sunny coughed and said, “PGR, there are three signs that you are middle-aged. The first is your failing memory. Well, the other two, um! I forgot!” I then knew that Sunny was not lying about his age.

 Midlife is the period of many economic and emotional crises. That is the time when your children leave one by one, only to return two by two. You are not bothered about where your spouse goes, as long as you don’t have to go along. That is the time when you want to see how long your car will last, rather than how fast it will go. It is then you start switching off the bedroom light for economic reasons, rather than for romantic reasons. You start moaning that you get less for your money every time you go to the barber. You suddenly realize that money really matters, and you feel that every cent is a dollar in waiting. But when you try to save it, your children blame you by saying, “Papa is stingy.” If you don’t chase it, your wife complains that you lack ambition. If you spend it, you are termed as a spendthrift. Your home becomes the setting for a daily rehearsal of ‘war and peace’. Finally, everyone blames it on his marriage and concludes that marriage is not a lottery; because in lottery, you at least have a chance.

This year on the 4th of September, my wife and I celebrated our wedding anniversary. As usual, I went to a gift shop in Jubail to buy an anniversary present for my wife. I met a smart Saudi there and told him that I wanted a nice anniversary present for my wife. He had a good look at me and asked, “May I know how long you have been married.” I said proudly that I was celebrating my thirteenth anniversary. The Saudi pondered and said, “Siddique (meaning friend), our bargain counter is at the basement.” I saluted him for his understanding of the middle-age mentality.

Middle age is the time to ponder over the reciprocal relation between health and wealth. You have money to burn, but the fire has gone out. Your daily dozen becomes weekly once, and you are afraid of it becoming weakly once. But you earn some status symbols in your health profile. Your life has become too sugary and that is shown even in your blood. You now attend many birthday parties and appreciate the wonderful butterscotch cake, but lack the will to eat it. You have withstood all the pressures in your life only to boost it on your Barometer. You surely now stay in shape, and ’round’ is the shape .A heartache that was sweet in your youth, is now a bit painful. You finally seek solace with a pacemaker. You now realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. You are even cautioned to slow down by a doctor, rather than by a traffic policeman.

 Middle age is also the period when you are more concerned about your looks than your outlook. As the cream of your life fades off, your face puffs up looking more and more creamy. Last week, when I was dressing up for a party, I told my wife that if anyone asks me about my age I am going to say that I am only thirty-five.

My wife said, "Don’t create an embarrassment for me."

I asked her, “Why?”

"Because, that way you will be going around and telling everyone that my younger son is illegitimate."

 Midlife is also the period of many ‘metallic’ jubilees. You have silver in your hair, gold in your teeth, lead in your bottom and silicon in some vital sites.

When my friend Bajpai returned from Paris, I asked him about Paris. As usual he said, “Wonderful,” and added with a sigh, “PGR, I should have visited Paris at least twenty years back.”

“You mean when Paris was really Paris,” I enquired.

“No, when Bajpai was really Bajpai,” he replied.

It proves that you don’t have to worry about temptations, because it will avoid you.

I do not want to disappoint my middle-aged readers with my words. I only wish to remind you that the art of life is to stay in rhythm with your age, whether middle age or old age. As Victor Hugo said, "If forty is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of old age". Age is a function of mind over matter; if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. It is your attitude to aging that acts as your mind’s paintbrush. The best way is to accept each dawn in the dusk of your life gracefully and march with a smile on your lips. Remember that we don’t stop laughing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop laughing. As Sister Mary Gemma Brunke has so beautifully written, “It is the old apple trees that are decked with the loveliest blossoms. It is the ancient redwoods that rise to majestic heights. It is the old violins that produce the richest tones. It is the aged wine that tastes the sweetest."

Well, my dear readers, you now know that fifty is the age of discovery. You just discovered that you are old. As to me, middle age is always fifteen years older than I !

My mother taught me to tell the truth and shame the devil. I once told the truth and shamed my father.

I was once attending a talk by Swami Chinmayananda, a magician of words, wit and wisdom. In the midst of his talk he paused and asked the audience a question '"Has anyone read the 25th chapter of ‘Bhagavath Geetha’? Everyone in the audience including yours truly yelled back "Yes, Yes". "Very good", he continued, "Of course, there is no 25th chapter in the book and you are the right people I want to talk to". Dear readers, you are the right people with whom I can share my experiments with lies.

Telling lies is something that our tongues are more tuned to than telling the truth. We all have a penchant for corruption of truth. That is why we develop our sense of rumor very fast and certify the saying that "Truth is stranger than fiction". Yet we are not liars in the strict sense. We just arrange truth in our favor.

When I was a student, I liked the subject ‘Statistics’ very much. I never knew that it had something to do with my personality until I read a quotation of Mark Twain ' "There are three kinds of lies ' lies, damned lies and statistics." I understood later that statisticians are really clever people. I will tell you an example. A hundred men went into the forest to cut wood. They took two women with them for cooking. When the winter was over, two men got married to the two women in the group. However, a statistician reported that 2% of the men married 100% of the women. So like this statistic, I have revealed a lot in my life, but always concealing vital truths.

As an engineer I would associate some mechanical properties with a lie. Unlike truth, a lie is quite flexible, stretchable and has better yield strength. A bit of a lie added to truth is like copper added to gold, which enhances its ductility and strengthens it. Truth is wooden and static. A lie is effusive and dynamic. Truth is constant while a lie has infinite variations. Truth operates on one gear whereas a lie has multiple gears. Liars have sweet tongues and so they become splendid speakers. They win more friends and companions than truth-sayers. I think it would be terribly lonesome up in the heaven with nobody there except God and Mahatma Gandhi blinking at each other. Life is always more comfortable and peaceful under the blanket of a lie.

Consider literature or fiction. It is lying that has made the human language so beautiful. Think of the most hilarious story you have read or the best romantic movie you have watched on the silver screen or even the loveliest ad on TV. They are all enchanting because they are all tissues of lies or figments of imagination. So, if you want to set the world on fire, you should be a capable liar.

As lie is more practiced on a daily basis than truth, let us examine some of the multiple benefits of it. Consider our politicians. Do you think a mere politician can aspire to become a chief minister or prime minister without perfecting his talents in lying? No chance! Conceiving cock and bull stories, learning libels, fabricating forgeries and frauds, scheming scandals and scams are the lessons they easily learn for their ascent in their political career. Strategies for deception and counter deception are in their genes. I was really impressed when president Clinton confessed with a rare poise before a press conference that — "I have nothing to do with that woman" when we all knew as clear as a day that he had everything to do with that woman. In Kerala, two well-known politicians met on a common platform in the midst of their election campaign. One man told the other — "Let us straighten out our things. Here onwards, I will stop telling lies about you. "Well, that is fair," replied the other politician, " I promise, I will not tell any truth about you."

While telling truth is a good policy, it is not the cheapest. When invitations pour in for marriages and birthday parties, a good lie can often save time and money. Now, when it comes to your daily routine of passing positive evaluations at the home front, everything from the tasteless toasts to fashion and fads of our females, telling a sweet lie is sweeter than having a tough time with the torture of truth.

Our film stars and beauty queens will secretly vouch that a lie is more youthful than the wrinkled truth. If a cat has only nine lives, a good lie will survive many lives and generations. A lie in time can save many embarrassments and is the best protector of our name and honor.

Now, look at our children! They learn lies faster than truth. When Sunny came to our house with his family, he told us, "I have plans to make my youngest daughter a lawyer because she is a good liar." I had no option but to support him as I was wedded to a pack of lies, my wife being a full-blown lawyer. Sunny’s wife asked us, "Isn’t it a problem the way our innocent children thoughtlessly crack lies?” Having faced many embarrassing moments from the mouth of my two-year old kid, I said, "Not half the problem madam as when they tell the truth at the wrong time."

What is called for in telling lies is craft for duplicity. My wife is always concerned about my eye contact with her whenever I give her some explanations and excuses. It taught me a lesson — When lips lie, eyes tell the truth. So I am in the process of taking some lessons for my eyes. When I select my friends, I ask them whether they are honest. If a man says he is honest, that is straight explanation that he is crooked. My difficulty in practicing lies is that I don’t have enough memory capacity to be a successful liar. Another difficulty I face is when I tell a lie my palms get sweaty. But when I tell a truth, I sometimes see all the people around me getting sweaty. The moral is — If truth hurts, lies can heal it.

Finally, to tell the truth, I think nakedness is something unwelcome both in the mind and the body. Clothe it with a bit of lie to feel yourself warm, comfortable and attractive. As Francis Bacon said, "Truth may perhaps come to the price of a pearl that shows best by day, but it will not rise to the price of a diamond, that shows best in varied lights."

There is a Proverb: "Tell a lie and leave the place." Dear readers, I make my exit.