picasso’s blog

Subject:
blondes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into
a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he
works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She
says, ‘What’s the story?’
He replies, ‘Just crap in the
carburetor’
She asks, ‘How often do I have to do
that?’

SPEEDING
TICKET

A police officer stops
a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see
her license.
She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would
get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my
license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

RIVER
WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite
bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’

AT THE DOCTOR’S
OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s
office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched
it.
‘Impossible! ‘ says the doctor. ‘Show me.’
The
redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor
said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she
said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor
said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING
A highway
patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious
to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his
window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE

ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were
talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’

The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’
The
Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook
their heads. ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn
up!’ said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re
not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A

VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one
night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum
and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a
time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

FINALLY,
THE
BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting
her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’ ‘HELLLOOOOOOO.
….,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch
dogs’!

JOKES

·Wife:
U know, husband & wife aren’t allowed to be together in heaven!
Husband: Yes, I do. That’s why it’s called heaven!

· Santa
had a dream in which someone murdered him. Next day he closed his bank account.
Know why?

Because the bank’s slogan was: We make your dreams come true…

· A
teenage boy to his father: Here’s my report card and a list I’ve compiled of
entrepreneurs who never finished their High School.

· Two
friends,who hadn’t seen each other in several years, met on the street.

1st: Who are u working 4 now?

2nd: Same people, My wife & 4 children.

· Three
dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.

To have as many women as his wife suspects…

· What’s
the difference between Poetry n Essay?

Any Word uttered by a Girlfriend is Poetry while anything said by a Wife is an
ESSAY!

· A
husband was returning home after cremating his wife. He sees heavy lightning
& thunderstorm. He thinks: She must have reached there.

· Girl
to Boyfriend: Now it’s time we should marry.

Boy: That’s ok, but who’ll marry us.

· Men
want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in
bed.

But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & a economist in Bed.

· Girl
announced her engagement to her father.

Father: Does this fellow has any money?

Girl: U men r all alike, that’s exactly what he asked me about u.

· Banta:
Give me a bag full of money, job and a vehicle full of girls

God: So it be, my son and made him a bus conductor of ladies special bus!

· How
do u identify a true music lover?

A man when hears a woman singing in the bathroom, puts his ear to the keyhole
instead of his eye!

· A
genuine reason for having two girlfriends at a time: Monopoly is always
damaging & Competition improves service!

· Santa:
I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning home and washing
clothes.

Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.

· Angry
Santa to his son: Have you ever seen an owl?

Pappu: (Luking down) No…

Santa: Don’t look down. Look at me.

·

· A women’s prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom
to understand my man; Love to forgive him and Patience for his moods. Because
Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll beat him to death!

· Ek
shrabi sadhu se takra gaya. Sadhu: Oh murkh, mein tuje shrap deta hoon'

Sharabi: Ruko, me glass leke ata hoon.

· Sometimes
you might catch me staring at you. It’s not because you are cute but bcoz my
mom told me that devils have tails and I’m just wondering where’s yours?

· Wife:
I Have Changed My Mind.

Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?

· A
boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did u see anything
there that u were not supposed to see?

Boy: Yes, I saw dad!

· Aftr
robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: Did u see me robbing?

Clerk: Yes.

Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: Did u?

2nd clerk: No, But my wife saw u!

· · Why
are Egyptian Children always confused?

Because after death, their DADDY becomes a MUMMY.

· Everything
about you is perfect - your lips, your skin, your eyes, your body. Perfect!
You’re lucky to be born beautiful, not like me, who was born to be a big liar.

· Marry
and make a woman happy OR remain a bachelor and make several women happy!

· Do
you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ?

“Of course, why would Friday be an exception?”

· A
pregnant lady went to an astrologer. · At a party, someone yelled:
All married guys plz stand next to one person who has made ur life worth
living.

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

· Most
of my friends are normal, sane, cultured, decent, intellectual &
well-behaved persons… Just wanna thank you for breaking the monotony!

Hi ! I’d like to share this ‘funny conversation’ which a friend of mine emailed me.

Hu Jintao was named chief ofthe Communist Party in China



SCENE: The Oval Office. George Bush and Condolezza Rice.



George: Condi! Nice to see youã‚ What’’s happening?



Condi: Sir, I have the report about the new leader of China.



George: Great. Let’s hear it.



Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.



George: That’s what I want to know.



Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.



George: That’s what I”m asking youã‚ Who is the new leader of China?



Condi: Yes.



George: I mean the fellow’s name.



Condi: Hu.



George: The guy in China.



Condi: Hu.



George: The new leader of China.



Condi: Huã‚



George: The Chinese?



Condi: Hu is leading China.



George: Now whaddya?asking me for?



Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.



George: Well,I’m asking you. Who is leading China?



Condi: That’’s the man’s name.



George: That’s whose name?



Condi: Yes.



George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?



Condi: Yes sir.



George: Yassir? You mean arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.



Condi: That’s correct.



George: Then who is in China?



Condi: Yes, sir.



George: Yassir is in China?



Condi: No, sir.



George: Then who is?



Condi: Yes, sir.



George: Yassir?



Condi: No, sir.



George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.



Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.



Condi: Kofi?



George: No, thanks.



Condi: You want Kofi?



George: No.



Condi: You don’t want Kofi.



George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. and
then get me the U.N.



Condi: Yes, sir.



George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.



Condi: Kofi?



George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?



Condi: Call who?



George: Who is the guy at the U.N .?



Condi: Hu is the guy in China.



George: Will you stay out of China?!



Condi: Yes, sir.



George: and stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!



Condi: Kofi?



George: all right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone.



(Condi picks up the phone.)



Condi: Rice here.



George: Rice? Good idea. and a couple of egg rolls,

IN THESE DAYS OF HURRY AND WORRY A PERSON NEEDS SOMETHIN TO LIGHTEN THE BURDEN OF MAKING A LIVING. SO HERE IS SOMETHING TO BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE.

The
HR Processes!!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources
Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.



“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in
though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once
had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what
to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.




“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”,
said the woman




“Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a
beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front
of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were well dressed in evening owns and cheering for her. They ran up and
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an
excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed
an excellent steak and lobster dinner.





She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had
a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved
goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.
Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and
got her.





“So, you’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity,”

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d
say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down
back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate
wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in
rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.







“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her smiled and told…


Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you are an employee.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get
under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking
up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot
is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and
left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of
practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the
airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering
among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some
passengers are praying, and as the plane
gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more
and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden
change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last
moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:
“You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we
aren’t going to know when to take off!”

FROFrom
a passenger ship, one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting
and desperately waving his hands.

Passenger: Who is it?

Captain: I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he just goes nuts.

· Banta: When I get mad at u, u never fight back. How do u control ur anger? Preeto: I clean the toilet. Banta: How does that help? Preeto: I use ur toothbrush.

· How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day? Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says “lather, rinse, repeat”