pilgrim’s blog

He loved her more than anything else in the world. He knew she too loved him a lot. But he always had the nagging feeling that there was one corner of her heart which was a mystery to him. He had tried many a times to open the closed doors but each time he had failed. It still remained elusive to him.

At unguarded moments he would see a far away look in her eyes which would disturb him a lot. At rare occasions he would find her smiling to herself while busy supervising the house hold chores. Once on mildly enquiring about it, all he got for an answer from her was a shy smile.

The sudden lighting up of her face on coming across a stray peacock feather or the sparkle in her eyes when finding the red and black seed of the 'manjadi' tree in the least expected of places and they becoming part of her priced possessions would cause a sharp pain to shoot through his heart. He could always feel the presence of a third force between them. This force which was formless and alien made things worse for him. Sometimes he would admonish himself for imagining things but he could never fully get rid of this thought which haunted him when ever he was near her…that she belonged to some one else too.

It was always to her he turned for solace when going through a difficult phase But she . always managed to tide over the problems she faced without seeking his help. Surely the unknown force must be giving her the faith to face all dire situations. If only her faith had not been so strong he desired .would not she have come to him first. Her self sufficiency was so irking to him that he began to stay aloof. So immersed was he in his woes that he failed to notice the shine disappear from her eyes. But she never complained. One day as she went about her routine works he confronted her and asked her bluntly why was it that he always felt there was one part of her to which he had no access. What was there so much in the unknown force that she was so attracted to it? Once again she smiled shyly and replied in a demure manner if the force ever takes a human form it would be exactly like him  

The pink rose lay cushioned in the dew drenched foliage. The droplets on its tender petals sparkled in the soft light of the morning sun like the beads lying around the slender necks of the tribal girls. Both shared a camaraderie as both belonged to nature. The soft pink hue of the petals would soften the hardest look that fell on it. The morning breeze caressed it softly making it tremble beneath its touch. It reminded one of the baby that sustained on its mother's milk alone.

One day the house in the village was visited by some city bred friends. Their eyes fell on the pink rose sitting merrily among the green leaves. The lady wanted to adorn her artificially coloured auburn hair with it. Ruthlessly was the little flower snapped from the branch. A darker shade of pink would have suited her tress better she felt on second thoughts. She desired for a stem of it that she planned to grow in her properly trimmed lawn of so called Mexican grass.

She grafted the stem with the stem of a blood red rose, a hybrid , intending to create the shade of pink that would enhance her auburn tress the most. One that none of her friends would have. One that she would flaunt in the parties. One that would make her the subject of everyones' envy. She instructed the gardener to take care of it well. The stems merged but the scar remained. The plant was fed with the best nutrition synthetically made providing it with everything for it to grow the way she wanted.

One morning she saw a tiny bud on it. Her joy stemming from her sense of achievement was boundless. A few days later it bloomed fully, the flower more exotic than she had imagined. The pink petals revealed to show a splash of blood red in its centre .something she had never seen as if it were a bleeding heart. The flower seemed to have sucked all the nutrition provided, its petals thick and fleshy like the chubby cheeks of the baby feeding on tinned food. It remained unmoved by the whiff of wind. That night she decorated her new hairdo with the pink rose with the splash of red in the heart of it. As desired it gained for her the admiration of one and all till she heard a voice asking her how she managed to acquire the so life like artificial flower ..

Someday I will be loved

The way I deserved to be loved

The pain of not being understood

His pain too

Unrequited love that hurts me

His hurt too

Will he come to hold my hands

And lead me down the path

That leads to eternal bliss

And bitterness in me dismiss

Where my little joys and sorrows

Would be what matters the most

I would be a changed person

The scars forever erased

My being ravaged by anger torrid

Soothened by the calm of a lake placid   

Veena was her mother's as well as her husband's pet. But that caused her a fair share of problem also but nothing serious that she could not handle. Once she had to join her husband Vikram who was directing an ad. film, at the place of shoot. She knew her mother would be upset to let go off her and this trip was unavoidable. The previous night she cuddled up to her mother and softly broke the news of her impending journey the next day. As usual her mother was not very happy about it which is natural because no mother would accept the fact that her child was grown up and could take care of herself. Another beautiful thing about mothers is that to them their children are the best and the whole world is out to harm them ..hence the protective instinct. Veena's mother was no different.

Being a little mischevious by nature, Veena decided to strike a different note this time to solve the problem once and for all. Doing the balancing act between mother and husband was not an easy task and to do it without hurting either of their sentiments was still harder. So praying to God thoroughly she set on her task. Wearing her most innocent and helpless look she told her mother thus " Only if I hadn't noticed it the other day of the shoot" and her voice trailed off .. Curiosity getting the better of her mother , she asked Veena what was it that troubled her so much during the other shoot. "NOTHING SERIOUS ONLY THE MODEL WAS EYEING VIKRAM BUT NOTHING TO WORRY FOR HE WAS HARDLY PAYING ANY ATTENTION". Her mother not only did not waste time in  giving her permission but also told she would manage the show at the home front single handedly.:)))))))

The next day she was welcomed at the shoot location by her beaming husband .When asked how she managed to get the permission of her mother to be there, even without blinking her eyes, she said " I told her I THOUGHT YOU LOOKED AT THE MODEL A  LITTLE TOO LONGER FOR THE OTHER SHOOT." Aghast at her audacity but smiling within for this was what made him miss her so much when she was not around Vikram faking anger, asked her how could she tell such a think to her mother and that too about him to which she replied " I CAN FORSAKE ANY THING IN THIS WORLD TO BE WITH YOU EVEN IF IT IS YOUR REPUTATION".:))))))))))

The terrific sense of humor he possessed made him laugh at her childish reactions, for that matter he took all her actions lightly. He loved her for what she was, even though some of her actions would lead his patience almost to the end. But then if she ceased to be thus the spark that existed in their relation of fifteen years would cease to be.

From the first day he had known her she had projected a personality that would give in to none without putting up a major fight. When arguments erupted between them she would fight like a tigress to win it and if she lost she would not sleep in peace till she has evened it out. He loved to bring out that fire in her. These days he would flag off the argument and sit back and enjoy her fretting and fuming. His not participating in it would make her go mad with anger.

That particular night she was losing ground incessantly and suddenly she noticed him cozily lying under the blanket pretending to be asleep. What made her mad was it was the same blanket which has been with her even before he came into her life, which was one of her priced possessions that she took extra care of by getting it dry cleaned every now and then, which she would wrap around herself when she was feeling really low how dare he use it without her knowledge. She ran to him and pulled at the blanket with all her might her hurt pride in the form of tears trying hard not to overflow, saying that was the blanket her dad had bought for her and so 'he' had no right over it. Not believing his ears and shock written wide on his face it took some time for the words to sink in before he began to laugh aloud putting his nose through the gaping tear in the blanket .His Pinocchio like nose protruding out of the hole in the blanket made her laugh in return. No wonder she had a pea sized brain and a pea sized attitude she thought to herself. She liked that summing up of herself.

It was the favourite joke making rounds among their friends for a long time and every one of them who came to their house would not return without catching a glimpse of the historic blanket .

She woke up to the sultry afternoon with an excruciating head ache. It must have been the hangover of the previous day's outburst. The temper tantrums were becoming very frequent these days. What surprised her, the most was, these problems got triggered by silly issues that she would have overlooked with a smile earlier.

He was finding it difficult to concentrate on what the client was saying. His mind went back to the previous day's incidents. What had made her react so harshly to a comment that he had made? Why was she emotionally torturing herself so? It hurt him so much to see her distressed thus. He couldn't make himself believe that she was the same girl who stood beside him like the Rock of Gibraltar when he was going through a difficult time. Unless he found out what was troubling her, he would not get any peace of mind.

She knew the cause of her problems but was being rendered helpless by it. All her life she had been the pillar of strength to her family, making the right decisions for them when they were not in a position to do so themselves. Doing the right thing at the right time that started as a coincidence gradually became an obsession with her. She desired perfection in what ever she did and even a small failure on her part was something she could not accept. Her role of the 'rock of Gibraltar' had become a second skin to her. Though the difficult times were over she could not break free of that role. She felt like the actor who carries the mannerisms of the character he has enacted even after the show is over. An added burden she had to face was that even those with whom she interacted refused to let her remove the mask she had worn at a particular time of her life. And she did not have the strength to do so alone or so she thought ..

He excused himself from the meeting with the client. His services were so valuable to the client that he was understood immediately when he requested to be excused. The rest of the day he pondered on the problems that were occurring in their life. One thing was sure he could not even take one step forward in his life if she continued to be the way she was now ..a total wreck. She had been his strength. He would never have made a come back if he did not have her love and care. How could he overlook the fact that she had driven herself to the limit so that he could regain his lost confidence. Was it not his turn now? To be by her side and let her relax. He would help her do what she wanted to do the most and had kept aside so that she could devote more time to him. He felt a burden lift from his heart. He wished to be at her beck and call and knew he would enjoy whatever she wanted him to do even if it was the silliest thing in the world. Nothing was more precious to him than the bubbly girl he knew once upon a time and to get her back he would do anything.

She knew she would tide over this phase also. Her family would understand her. She decided to freshen up before he came in. No sooner had she tidied up the house and changed to a fresh pair of clothes that the door bell began to ring. She opened the door to her man who stood on the threshold with a bunch of yellow roses . the same colour he had gifted her on his first visit. But she was looking at the boyish grin that still adorned that face, not one bit faded from what it used to be ..       

She watched the rain fall on the roof top. The first rain of the season. It brought with it a relief from the suffocation that the summer months had meted out. The dry leaves and debris that lay on the roof made way for the gushing rain water. In no time the roof adorned a new look. The clay roof tiles gleamed under the sun's rays that made a short appearance as if to participate in earth's celebration.

She too for a short while felt the pain in her ebb away to rise with greater fervour. Only if the rain could wash away the debris and cobwebs within her, she desired. Even breathing had become so laborious. Her absence from his life would be so ardently wished for, she had not realized. So immersed was she in her world that the truth, she missed, till it hit her hard on the face.

He could have spared her the pain from flinging accusations at her when none was true. Did he need to use this method to break free? If he had only given one hint that she did not mean the same any more wouldn't she have let go of him for his happiness. Why this farce of not being able to live without her when the truth was far removed from it.

Was he such a coward to hide behind baseless accusations to gain his freedom? How passionately he had tried to prove she had wronged, during their arguments. As if he wished she would justify herself, that would give him more reason to separate from her on the pretext that she was not ready to mend her ways ..but to mend 'what ways'. She did argue, for she did not know what her fault was.

The truth dawned upon her only slowly because it was something she had never thought of. And when the realization dawned upon her she ceased to argue and quietly listened to all the accusations he threw at her. What a fool she was to try to make him see the truth when the truth was he did not want to see it. How could he not see the truth when even a blind man would have seen it unless he chose not to.

Now only heaviness remained in her heart. A pain that she hoped she would get used to.

A pain she would have to learn to live with. She felt no ill feeling towards him. She was thankful to destiny to spare her of the hatred which if she had felt within her would have made the recuperation time longer and more painful. Living under the same roof as strangers was impossible. She still loved him and seeing him daily would be torturous. When he left the decision to her, she decided to move out. It was as if her life had come to a stand still.

The rain had stopped. She looked at the piece of paper in her hand. The postman had brought it some time back. It was the telegram stating he was critically ill and wanted to see her. She still felt the excruciating pain when she thought of him. She went and stood near the mirror. Her wrinkled skin and grey hair were the only proof that so many years had passed since they parted. The rest had not changed. She would go. She too wanted to see him. He had been living alone. Who would have taken care of him when he fell ill? A smile adorned her lips. All this years gone by and still her concern for him.

She felt unusually tired. She sat on her favourite chair by the window. The clouds had parted to make way for the sun, the rays of which were making intricate patterns on the floor. She slowly closed her eyes