Huge Pause



A bear
walks into a bar and says, “I want a bourbon and…………… coke”



The bartender asks “what’s with the huge pause?”



The bear says, “I’ve had them all my life.”

 

 

An Old Fart



One
evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and
leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay
but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she
seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses
rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the
family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So
Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s
pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

 

 

 

Brunette Meets Genie



A brunette
is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you
guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says,
“You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all
the blondes in the world get twice as much.”

The woman says,
“Okay. Give me a nice house.”

The genie
replies, “You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world
have two.”

The the lady
says, “Give me a gorgeous man.”

The genie
replies, “You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have
two.”

The lady says,
“For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death
with it.”

 

 

Final Confession



Brittany was on her deathbed,
with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying
to tell him something, but he kept saying, “Shhhh, don’t worry now
darling, just rest.”

“But
honey,” she whispered, “I need to make a confession before I die… I
slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father.”

“Don’t
worry about it, sweetie,” replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany’s cheek,
“I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?”

 

 

 

Pa Won’t Like It



A farm boy
accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby
heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your
troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up
later.”

“That’s
mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would
like me to.”

“Aw come
on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well
okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like
it.”

After a hearty
dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa
is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be
foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is
he?”

“Under the
wagon.”

The Living Statues



Two statues
stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each
other for many years.

Early one
morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of
you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am
giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30
minutes to do whatever you desire.”

And with that
command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran
toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled
to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and
twigs snapping.

After fifteen
minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the
angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have fifteen
minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue
looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the
female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’ll
crap on its head!”

 

Engineering In Hell



An engineer
dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says,
“Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the
engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer
gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God
calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going
down there in hell?”

Satan replies,
“Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up
with next.”

God replies,
“What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have
gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says,
“No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping
him.”

God says,
“Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs
uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to
get a lawyer?”

Close Enough For Government



Three young
boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.

“My dad is
so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it
in his bare hands.”

“My dad is
so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and
catch it in his bare hands.”

“I’ve got
you both beat. My dad’s so good because he works for the city. He gets off work
at 5:00 and is home by 4:30.”

Through the Desert On a Man With No Ears



A man was
in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered
was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he
received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always
his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but
expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at
all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He
picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last
question of the interview was always the same.

“Do you
notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the first candidate.

“Yes. You
have no ears.”

He quickly
eliminated the first candidate.

“Do you
notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the second candidate.

“Yes. You
have no ears.”

He quickly
eliminated the second candidate.

“Do you
notice anything unusual about me?” he asked the third candidate.

“Yes.
You’re wearing contacts.”

Thinking he had
found the man for the job he said, “That’s correct. How did you
know?”

“You can’t
wear glasses if you don’t have any freakin’ ears.”

 

Stewed Tomatoes


A guy is
going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worry about getting
seasick.

The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed
tomatoes before you leave the dock.”

The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from
getting sick, Doc?”

The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real
pretty in the water.”

Respectfully Cheating



Jack and
Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever
cheated on me?”

“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question
now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Betty, I really want to know.
Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”

“Three? When were they?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35
years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank
would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came
over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect
you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was
number 2?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you had that
last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no
surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to
do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you
should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more
wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t
be more moved. When was number 3?”

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when
you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes
short?”

The Devoted Wife



A devoted
wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been
slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside
every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near
him.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What, my dear?” she asked gently.

“You’re a goddamn jinx!”

Chastity Belt



A man
decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a
chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the
key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four
years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a
half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come
closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?’ ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

Tough Love



A dying man
smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the
strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He
sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he
reaches for one, his wife’s wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she
yells:

“No, you can’t have those! They’re for the
funeral!”

Rabbi and Priest



A Rabbi and
a Priest buy a car together and it’s being stored at the Priest’s house. One
day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ”What are you doing?” The Priest responded, ”I’m blessing
the car.” So the Rabbi said ”Okay, since we’re doing that….” and takes out
a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

 

Name That Animal, Kids



Eddie’s
first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a
picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”

“A cat!” said Suzy.

“Good job! Now, what’s this animal?”

“A dog!” said Ricky.

“Good! Now what animal is this?” she
asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of
minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what your mom calls your dad.”

“A horny bastard!” called out Eddie.

 

Three Nuns



Three nuns
decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, “We don’t
want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?” The mother told them, “Do
something unholy and come back here in 24 hours.” So the nuns left
thinking, “What can I do that’s unholy?”

The next day they went to the mother one at a
time. The mother said tot he first nun, “What unholy thing did you
do?” and the nun said “I stole a kid’s bike.” The mother said,
“I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she
wasn’t a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said,
“What unholy thing did you do?” The nun replied, “I slept with a
married man!” The mother said, “Well, that’s sinning. Go drink holy
water.”

The third nun walked in and the mother said,
“What unholy thing did you do?” The third nun said proudly, “I
pissed in the holy water!”

Farmer and the Cow



A farmer
was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed
and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was
outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his
left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he
kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin” him again he
knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied
up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped
down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t
explain!

 

 

Mexican Smuggler



Juan comes
up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his
shoulders.



The guard stops him and says, “What’’s in the bags?”"Sand,”
answered Juan.The guard says, “We’ll just see about that get off the
bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand.



He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there
is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand
into new bags, hefts them onto the man’’s shoulders, and lets him cross the
border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have
you got?”"Sand,” says Juan.The guard does his thorough
examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the
sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of
events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one
day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.”Hey, Buddy,” says
the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are
you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.

 

Phone Line



A young
businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful
office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing
to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor,
“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I”ve come to activate your phone
lines.”

 

Dear Monisha,

Thanks for being my love for one and half years, when you receive this letter I believe you might have selected a new boy friend and started enjoying your dating. Every lovers needs to struggle a bit to get a boy friend or girl friend.

Monisha In order to recover your missing, I got another girl from next street & as you know this is my forth love, from all my past experiences I have learned a lot. When the love blossoms everyone starts writing love letters, you know very well I have written many love letter to you , and writing a love letter in poetic way is not so easy nowadays MONISHA , and it’s a time consuming work, In order to avoid all this I need all my lover letters back so that I can put corrector and send to my new girl friend , please send it back to me , I don’t have poetic references or any photocopy of these letters.

Another thing MONISHA, I have given you one cute photo of mine , can you send it to me please , you know better that this is the only photo I look very cute & handsome and this photo I have taken when I was in my very first love.

And also, during my 1 ½ years of love days I have spend lot of monies for impressing you , I am attaching a list of expenses which I request you to clear it at the earliest.

The expenses are as follows: Lunch / Dinner ; 895, Cool Drinks 2938 Rs, Snacks 5645 Rs. , Juice 3845 Rs. Cinema 1235Rs. Internet Chatting 1499 Rs. , Mobile 2546 Rs. Petrol 4255 Rs. Gift Items 7850 Rs, - Grand Total : 30,708 rs (in Words : Thrity Thousand Seven Hundred and Eight Rupees).

Please try to clear the above amount so that I can spend these monies on my new girl friend, and more over if you have any of my gift lying with you, am ready to take these packs in half prices. Please calculate the value of packs left over and deduct it from the above statement of account.

I am enclosing herewith your love letters (Weigh around 4 Kg) so that you no need to write again to your boy friend and your photo so that you can give to your new BF.

Quotable Quotes- Politics

“The incestuous relationship between government
and big business thrives in the dark.”
–Jack Anderson      [More Quotes from Jack
Anderson]



“The only way you can do that [decrease taxes, balance the budget, and
increase military spending] is with mirrors, and that’s what it would
take.”

–John B. Anderson      [More Quotes from John
B. Anderson]



“I’d rather keep my promises to other politicians than to God. God, at
least, has a degree of forgiveness.”

–Anonymous      [More Quotes from Anonymous]



“Politics: (noun) From Greek, poly, meaning many, and ticks, meaning
bloodsuckers.”

–Anonymous      [More Quotes from Anonymous]



“To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.”

–Anonymous      [More Quotes from Anonymous]



“Politics is the conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”

–Ambrose Bierce      [More Quotes from Ambrose
Bierce]



“Politics is not an exact science.”

–Otto Von Bismarck      [More Quotes from Otto
Von Bismarck]



“Politics is the art of the possible.”

–Otto Von Bismarck      [More Quotes from Otto
Von Bismarck]



“A political career brings out the basest qualities in human nature.”

–Lord Bryce      [More Quotes from Lord Bryce]



“The world of politics is always twenty years behind the world of
thought.”

–John Jay Chapman      [More Quotes from John
Jay Chapman]



“Politics is not a game. It is an earnest business.”

–Winston Churchill      [More Quotes from
Winston Churchill]



“A politician thinks of the next election; a statesman, of the next
generation.”

–J. F. Clarke      [More Quotes from J. F.
Clarke]



“Politics is a profession; a serious, complicated and, in its true sense,
a noble one.”

–Dwight D. Eisenhower      [More Quotes from
Dwight D. Eisenhower]



“Politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.”

–Charles De Gaulle      [More Quotes from
Charles De Gaulle]



“A camel is a horse designed by committee.”

–Alec Issigonis      [More Quotes from Alec
Issigonis]



“My brother Bob doesn’t want to be in government — he promised Dad he’d
go straight.”

–John Fitzgerald Kennedy      [More Quotes
from John Fitzgerald Kennedy]



“The political world is stimulating. It’s the most interesting thing you
can do. It beats following the dollar.”

–John Fitzgerald Kennedy      [More Quotes
from John Fitzgerald Kennedy]



“Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
where there is no river.”

–Nikita Khrushchev      [More Quotes from
Nikita Khrushchev]



“Je veux que les paysans mettent la poule au pot tous les dimanches.”

–King Henry Iv Of France      [More Quotes
from King Henry Iv Of France]



“Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart
enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important.”

–Eugene Mccarthy      [More Quotes from Eugene
Mccarthy]



“The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed [and
hence clamorous to be led to safety] by menacing it with an endless series of
hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

–H. L. Mencken      [More Quotes from H. L.
Mencken]



“The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace in a
continual state of alarm (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing
them with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.”

–H. L. Mencken      [More Quotes from H. L.
Mencken]



“The whole art of politics consists in directing rationally the
irrationalities of men.”

–Reinhold Niebuhr      [More Quotes from
Reinhold Niebuhr]



“There is no such thing as a nonpolitical speech by a politician.”

–Richard M. Nixon      [More Quotes from
Richard M. Nixon]



“One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you
end up being governed by your inferiors.”

–Plato      [More Quotes from Plato]



“He has been called a mediocre man; but this is unwarranted flattery. He
was a politician of monumental littleness.”

–Theodore Roosevelt      [More Quotes from
Theodore Roosevelt]



“If nominated, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.”

–Gen. William Sherman      [More Quotes from
Gen. William Sherman]



“I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live.”

–Socrates      [More Quotes from Socrates]



“Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is
thought necessary.”

–Robert Louis Stevenson      [More Quotes from
Robert Louis Stevenson]



“I’m proud that I’m a politician. A politician is a man who understands
government, and it takes a politician to run a government. A statesman is a
politician who’s been dead 10 or 15 years.”

–Harry S. Truman      [More Quotes from Harry
S. Truman]



“Politics makes strange bed-fellows.”

–Charles Dudley Warner      [More Quotes from
Charles Dudley Warner]

In a Day. When you don't come across any Problems- you can be sure that you are travelling in a Wrong Path.

' SWAMY VIVEKANANDA.
 Three Sentences for Getting SUCCESS:

a)   Know more than other.

b)  Work more than other.

c)   Expect less than other.

 ' WILLIAM SHAKESPHERE
 
 If You WIN you need not Explain .But if you LOSS you should not be there to Explain.

'ADOLPH HITLER.
 
 
If we cannot LOVE the Person Whom We see How Can We Love God Whom We Cannot See?

'MOTHER TERESA 

If you start judging people you will be having no time to Love them

'MOTHER TERESA 

Winning doesn't always mean being first, Winning means you're doing better than you've done before.

' BONNIE BLAIR   
 
 I will not say I failed 1000 times, I Will say that I Discovered there are 1000 Ways that can cause failure.

' THOMAS EDISON       

Everyone thinks of changing the World..But no one thinks of changing Himself .

' LEO TOLSTOY     

Believing everybody is Dangerous, believing no body is Dangerous.

' ABRAHAM LINCOLN    

If some one feels that they had never made a mistake in their life. Then it means they had never tried a new thing in their LIFE

'EINSTEIN

Never break four things in your LIFE-Trust, Promise, and Relation & Heart. Because when they break they don't make noise but Pains a lot ..

'CHARLES

Don't compare yourself with anyone in this world. If you do so, you are insulting yourself.

' ALEN STRIKE.
 

 

You are not responsible for what people think about you.
But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
' STANLEY FERRARD.
 
 
A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman.
A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
' CHARLES DICKENS.
 
 
Write your sad times in Sand; Write your Good times in Stone.
' GEORGE BERNARD SHAW.
 
 
Behind every successful man, there is an untold pain in his heart.
' BILL JACOBS.
 
 
Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.
' Dr. ABDUL KALAM.
 
Love your job but don't love your Company because you may not know
when your company stops loving you.
'  NARAYANA MURTHY.

 You may get DELAYED to reach your Targets.
 But every step you take towards your target is EQUAL to Victory.
'   KARL MARX.
 

It's better to loose your Ego to the one you Love,
than to loose the one you LOVE because of EGO.
'  JOHN KEATS.
 
Don't make promise when you are in JOY .Don't reply when you are SAD.
Don't take decisions when you are ANGRY. Think twice, Act wise. BE happy.
 
When you start caring about yourself, you start loving somebody.
But when start caring about others somebody will start loving you.

Last one is awesome!!!
 
What is the Secret of SUCCESS…  ? "RIGHT DECISIONS"
How do you make Right Decisions…? "EXPERIENCE"
How do you get Experience…           ? "WRONG DECISIONS"  

 

 

                   

 

                           

Hamburger Restaurant

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

“Are you the owner?” she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

“No” he replies, “I’m just the manager.”

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

“I”m afraid I can’t,” breathes the manager clearly aroused. “He’s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message.”

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

Learning from Mistakes

This is a story about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others ?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor ? a veritable sea of milk !

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up ?" Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that ? We could use a sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer ?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

His mother then said, "You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it.

What a wonderful lesson ! This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about.

Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it. Make mistakes, you learn from them . . . . but never repeat mistakes . . . . make it a great week ahead ! ! !

 

Pa Won’t Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.”

The Scientist and the Frog

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with four feet, jumps four feet.”

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, “Frog with three feet, jumps three feet.”

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook “Frog with two feet, jumps two feet.”

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with one foot, jumps one foot.”

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

“He said, “Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!”

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, “Frog with no feet, goes deaf.”

 

Three-Legged Race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

“That’’s the most fantastic thing I’ve ever heard,” said the salesman. “How do they taste?”

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “We’ve never caught one.”

 

 

 

The Irishman’s Wish

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.”

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.”

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, “I want two more of these.”