Jokes

Stewed Tomatoes


A guy is
going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worry about getting
seasick.

The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed
tomatoes before you leave the dock.”

The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from
getting sick, Doc?”

The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real
pretty in the water.”

Respectfully Cheating



Jack and
Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever
cheated on me?”

“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question
now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Betty, I really want to know.
Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”

“Three? When were they?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35
years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank
would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came
over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect
you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was
number 2?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you had that
last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no
surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to
do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you
should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more
wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t
be more moved. When was number 3?”

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when
you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes
short?”

The Devoted Wife



A devoted
wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been
slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside
every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near
him.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What, my dear?” she asked gently.

“You’re a goddamn jinx!”

Chastity Belt



A man
decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a
chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the
key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four
years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a
half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come
closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?’ ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

Tough Love



A dying man
smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the
strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He
sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he
reaches for one, his wife’s wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she
yells:

“No, you can’t have those! They’re for the
funeral!”

Rabbi and Priest



A Rabbi and
a Priest buy a car together and it’s being stored at the Priest’s house. One
day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ”What are you doing?” The Priest responded, ”I’m blessing
the car.” So the Rabbi said ”Okay, since we’re doing that….” and takes out
a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

 

Name That Animal, Kids



Eddie’s
first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a
picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”

“A cat!” said Suzy.

“Good job! Now, what’s this animal?”

“A dog!” said Ricky.

“Good! Now what animal is this?” she
asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of
minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what your mom calls your dad.”

“A horny bastard!” called out Eddie.

 

Three Nuns



Three nuns
decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, “We don’t
want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?” The mother told them, “Do
something unholy and come back here in 24 hours.” So the nuns left
thinking, “What can I do that’s unholy?”

The next day they went to the mother one at a
time. The mother said tot he first nun, “What unholy thing did you
do?” and the nun said “I stole a kid’s bike.” The mother said,
“I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she
wasn’t a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said,
“What unholy thing did you do?” The nun replied, “I slept with a
married man!” The mother said, “Well, that’s sinning. Go drink holy
water.”

The third nun walked in and the mother said,
“What unholy thing did you do?” The third nun said proudly, “I
pissed in the holy water!”

Farmer and the Cow



A farmer
was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed
and he replied, “Some things you just can’t explain. This morning I was
outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his
left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he
kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin” him again he
knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied
up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped
down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t
explain!

 

 

Mexican Smuggler



Juan comes
up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his
shoulders.



The guard stops him and says, “What’’s in the bags?”"Sand,”
answered Juan.The guard says, “We’ll just see about that get off the
bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand.



He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there
is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand
into new bags, hefts them onto the man’’s shoulders, and lets him cross the
border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have
you got?”"Sand,” says Juan.The guard does his thorough
examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the
sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of
events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one
day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.”Hey, Buddy,” says
the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy.
It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are
you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.

 

Phone Line



A young
businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful
office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing
to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor,
“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I”ve come to activate your phone
lines.”