priyankajain

Life goes through phases when suddenly everything is working out, then through phases where there is a lull… a restlessness that comes with a long forced silence.

When you are secure with yourself everything falls in place: personally and professionally. The key is no matter what dont give up. Pursue things with the same vigour for a long time and then whatever you do will reap results.

“Isn’t it funny the people who make the most impact in your life are the one’s you haven’t slept with.”- Sapna Bhavnani

Whether or not there is someone special in one’s life….whether or not one is too busy with work and daily humdrum…one should not cut off from social circles/friends/people from different backgrounds. They help in getting different perspectives and save you from getting into a routine…

It saves one from being obsessed with one person or situation or work too. One must keep options and back ups for everything in life.

to be continued…

The void keeps growing…

People keep leaving…

Times keep changing…

Wonder how the walls keep emerging…

Void.

Vacuum.

Emptiness.

They brought some peace.

Suddenly life is moving slow.

There is energy around.

Physical, mental, emotional.

A legacy.

Faraway.

Memories and some conversation.

Loss.

Phases.

Passion.

Unrequitted Desire.

Accepting one’s weakness, having questions and wanting to do something about it is half battle won.

But the results will never come if the other half is not worked upon.

So now there are lots of questions out there.

The best thing is to be receptive of myself. Be aware and open to change that one wants, the way one wants. Think of solutions that always exist but we are too afraid to try, thinking they may not work. Sometimes one is plain lazy and does not want to put that extra effort in changing things. 

Also because there was advice a phone call away. One tends to get dependent, thinking solutions would come. But you know what nothing comes sitting down. The different view points help.

By being aware of oneself one can be equal to all. Different people excel in different things. Is it a rationalisation?

Whatever it is lets try to work on this hypothesis for a while. Lets see the results.

The wind is towards being in touch with one self. Learning, growing, learning, unlearning, bettering one self through everything.

Giving the quest a chance to be fulfilled.

Be always open to other’s opinions, see what works best and do that.

Who does an intelligent, seemingly interesting and reasonably good looking man/woman date?

Opposite sex or same sex who is along the same lines? Now that would be anybody’s guess.

But what happens when such a person dates below their standards? Does the interest remain alive?

How do they keep each other’s interest alive? Is it just the chemistry? Or do they connect on a mental level? What do they talk about? Do they talk?

Does the more intelligent person get bored of the other? What is their connection about? How can they be different and still be together?

Or is it a doomed relation from the word Go?

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What does it mean when just one person takes the onus of being in touch? calling? pursuing? working on?

Is it that the person does not have any self confidence and is clinging the'snake to the sandalwood and destroying everything it clings to?

Or is it hopeless optimism?

Is that what being a twit means?

Retention and Intelligence are not connected?

But then why are people who can quote from x, y, z considered intelligent?

Where is intelligence?

Does everyone go through phases of self doubts? 

Why does it seem whatever you learn is never enough?

Is there greed? Or again is it vanity?

Comparing self with others is detrimental. 

Hold your own. 

Dont be ’influenced’, ‘inspired’ or ’try to borrow’ from other people’s  intellgence without realising the effect it has on you.  

Realise the rush. Dont crush the little bud that grows inside us all to do better.

Keep sowing seeds.  

Work 100%. 

Not because it sounds good but knowing it will make things better. 

Keep your beliefs intact.

Retention

A poem that touched my heart like To- 

To —
       P B Shelley

One word is too often profaned
for me to profane it
One feeling to falsely disdained
for me to disdain it

One hope is too like despair
For prudence to smoother
and pity from thee more dear
than that from another

I can give not what Men call love
But wilt thou accept not
The worship the hearts lift above
and Heavens reject not

The Desire of the moth for the star
of the night for the morrow

Cant draw myself near…

—

But then one can’t feel for everything very strongly right?

So what does one do?

How do you remember interpretations of what you read, see and the facts?

Is the perspective beginning to come? Do subtle changes take place in the unconscious/subconscious?

Does the subconcious come to conciousness and help us evolve?

How is one sure about such things?

What does one do when anger takes over?

Counting 1 to 100, 1000 or even up to 1,00,000 or more does not work.

Anger stays.

Making senses numb only aggreviates the situation.

Reasons could be endless.

The mind does not stop thinking. It refuses to give up.

There is more to just anger.

Call it attraction, chemistry or connection. Isn’t it mere words?
 
The meaning and essence will remain in spite of putting it in different ways.

There is this constant growing mountain of desires of 'what can be'.

And then again there is the question of controlling the senses.

But if the logic is to be in touch with the basic instincts, what is the point of controlling the senses?

And trust the analysis is not all that useful.

When the moment passes, it's just the analysis.

But that is never even close to what one felt at that time because that is the moment that touched the inner soul.

That made the knowledge of the sensibility its five w’s and h’s clearer.

Without touching even the tip of the finger. Without even the presence.

That changed something forever.

But then nothing is constant.

What was there yesterday is not there today and will not be there tomorrow. [Loosely quoted from the holy book Gita]

Don't try to protect from the hurt.

If it has to be then so be it irrespective of either or.

Experimentation will continue. So will the exploration and learning.

Because there is an urge to know among other things what it will bring. 

But doing it in spite of oneself. And that knowledge of 'why' one is doing is there at a conscious level. 

The subject should for now be away for a while from the reason and the solution.

Because the need to go through the experience and arrive at solutions seems to be more important. 

Because understanding the wants, desires, needs, the difference between each and their importance and the reasons why they exist in the first place is essential.

Because separating 'sexuality from sensuality' and understanding the reason and the difference may perhaps after all help in understanding the concept.

Also because there is a lot of anger, anxiety, frustration, confusion, questions about everything that has been told, learnt and implemented.

The belief is shaken and trembling so is the mortal. 

There is a lone battle.

A part is being sedated.

The fear to lose what could have been by just trying to accept a concept is there. Perhaps the loss and regret… 

But perhaps the reason will see that there is reason - a strong personal belief, that sometimes the reason should be able to look beyond one’s own belief and accept other view point.

To know and acknowledge that it would have been easier for the subject to perform, act according to what was told and get what one desired.

To accept the others honesty and nakedness in totality. 

To not let it pass.  

Because the subject believes in thee.

Too free to be controlled?

No.

Perhaps just value being an individual.

But that does not mean that one does not want to be taken seriously.

Naah!!! It kills to know that being a free spirit is considered the same as being frivilous .

Offcourse there have to be other flaws… There are.

Learn, Silence, Listen - greatest virtues.

“Be pragmatic”

“Chuck baggage.
Travel light.
Keep mind free.
Body supple.”

Freedom will not always make you pay. It will pay off too.

Keep the faith.

Lots of parallel examples running in my mind…

Just how essential is a roof over one’s head?

And really how does it matter whether one stays in the same place for an okay amount of time?

Isn’t it better to live a hippy life, stay in different areas, know about different places, overcome different difficulties, emerge a stronger person?

But is it worth the energy we put in such non issues… the migranes it causes… the irritation, losing temper, snapping at others, or being lost phases…the tears that pop up no matter how strong you think you are, no matter that you know you will find another roof for the next 11 months may be…

But is it really worth?

In the quarter to 4 years that I have moved to Mumbai I have stayed in a private hostel for the first 3 months, in a hostel for 2 years, in a rented flat for 7 months, a friends house for a week, a PG for a month until i found the current house which i need to vacate in a fortnight because the house needs ‘repairs’. Like h*** it does. A drama that happened at home kicked of this whole thing… but since it involves others I dont want to get into that.

Infact when the news was broken, I looked at my friend and smiled. She thinks I am crazy. I did not feel any emotion. It was still sinking in.

I like this house. The first one where I felt ‘at home’. Its very well located. I pay a negligible amount of deposit. It’s well furnished with all basic gadgets and two most interesting people I live with.

Is there a way to convince?
The answer is NO. Have tried everything. The only thing I cant do is cry sympathies. That’s not working.

Is a relief period possible?
I dont want it. I dont want to stay here for another minute.
And no its not possible.

What next?
Umm… M too blank right now. Will sleep over it. Tomorrow is another day.

How will you manage?
I have managed to so far. I will manage in future too. I am hopelessly optimistic as one of my very dear friend says.

I fear…
In the midst of all this I think I am breaking up inside. I have been doing interesting things. I have managed financially too. I have been doing things that hold my interest, I have been watching plays, going for long walks very late in the night, piling up at friend’s place, going home more often than ever, cleaning my house, writing movie reviews et all.

Other people have far more bigger issues than these in life??
Yes!
Offcourse, they do. However, it does not positively or negatively influence my state of being. I can and should do better than this to avoid such things in future.

What are the options?
“HE who gives the mouth, feeds it too”
I have friends who will let me stay in their place for a month or two. [Thanks! but I dont want to.]
There are estate agents. A rented appartment can be worked out. [Hope I can afford it]

In your comments avoid…
Sympathy [I dont need it]
It will be ok [I know it will, I am a firm believer in myself] 
Numbers of agents [I have a directory full...]
I am tired of house hunting. I think its time I have my own place from where I am not thrown out. Is it feasible?

Well looking at my lack of financial management skills I wonder how?

Lessons?
SAVE MONEY
A good bank balance and a roof over your head is a must.
If you have that you respect yourself much more and dont end up in such situations, you don’t need to be at the mercy of landlords, agents, room mates.
KEEP SHUT
When you see someone in your house has erred, dont complain. You may also be thrown out. “Gehun ke saath ghun bhi peesta hai”