The Commander marched ahead & her 2-men army, oops, 2 prisoners'of-war followed. The younger one looked as if he had been asked to choose between death by hanging and death by guillotine!!! This was the routine for the last weekend every month when mummy went grocery shopping at the supermarket (more crowded than hell), housed in a mall well known for its food court (which is the only reason kid bro agrees to become our chauffeur & coolie for a day) Soon our odyssey began .

There was only 1 big cart left and a gentleman was almost near it…I kind of slid past him (thanks to all the pushing around during my hostel days, landing on my feet is a natural instinct) & grabbed the handle even as his fingers were just a few inches away. Then, of course I gave him the politest & the most apologetic smile I could muster & walked away with the cart.

Mom pointed to one end of the store & just started to speak, "look there is the " when younger bro cut her short with a bland "looked . only aunties there" even mom couldn't help but smile. The ever- hungry 19 yrs. old scuttled away saying he will grab a bite and come back soon. I glared at him for deserting me he didn't even bother to look my way.

Near the refrigeration section was a young couple with two cartons of Soya milk of different flavors arguing about which one to take. I saw them about half an hour later in the oils section & they had both the cartons in their cart!

Next to it was the ice-cream & chocolates section. A little child was haggling expertly with his mom for a chocolate.  The lady kept shaking her head as the child stoutly held his ground claiming "bahauuuut bhookh lagi" (another lil bro in the making?) . Then he started picking up each piece of chocolate and reading out the price loudly & asking if that suited his mother's budget. With everyone looking her way, poor lady told her son to take one the smart kid promptly picked up a large bar & announced loudly "Rs 65", dropped it into the cart and moved on

In the veggies and fruits section the sight of a young woman desperately trying to choose the freshest ones reminded me of the time when I was living alone in another city. What a difficult job it is to identify the fresher veggies & fruits & after umpteen horrible experiences I was banned by my flat mates from shopping for veggies or fruits.

Next stop was the poultry section. Looking at the deep brown "protein eggs", (commonly known as "pro eggs" and used by muscle building enthusiasts), an elderly lady asked a store attendant nearby what it was. She heard "pro" as crow & her "aiyeeee! kauwe ke ande kaun khata hai" almost stopped many of us in our tracks!

A loud squeaky "hato  hato" caught our attention as we saw one of the bigger carts hurtling down the aisle. As the cart swept past us, we saw "Mr. Hato"— around 4 or 5yrs., shorter than the cart, so invisible from the front. His father grabbed him and the cart before any mishaps could happen and looked exasperatedly at the child's mother who continued choosing cookies with a nonchalant air (probably a very familiar scenario for her).

 A lady was standing at the kitchen items section with a few 'vim bars' in 1 hand and a few 'pril bars' in another. She had a deep frown and was looking intently at them with a deep frown I still haven't figured out what she was worried about .

Just then mom called me to read out the mfg & exp dates of some of the items she was buying . Wonder why she is so obsessed with it. All these will be used up in the course of a month and the same   scene will be enacted once more

A lazy Sunday morning ..the whole extended family had gathered at our grandmother's place for a family lunch. The happiest and loudest ones were of course the children small in size, big on attitude. After a while they sat down to play with jigsaw puzzle of 1000 pieces.

As the older kids (5 & 8yrs old) got busy trying to fit the jigsaw, the youngest one (1 & ½ yrs. old) very casually picked up a few pieces of the jigsaws and walked away. The other kids had almost finished fitting in the jigsaws pieces when they realized what had happened .they rushed to retrieve the missing pieces (which, by then, had changed shape completely thanks to chewing, breaking etc.).

All hell broke loose! We tried to tell them that their jigsaw looked great and just 7 missing pieces could not take away the beauty of 993 other pieces. But they were inconsolable. They blamed their little sister for everything (who was least bothered and had, by then, moved on to other toys). In anger one of the older kids broke the rest of it too, saying he did not want an incomplete puzzle

What struck me about this incident was how the whole scenario reflected our own lives .made me wonder about the time and energy we waste trying to find those missing jigsaw pieces of our lives. In our hunt for we do not have, we tend to overlook what we do have (which is usually more than what we don't have).

And by the time realization dons, a lot of what we had but did not use or enjoy is already decayed or wasted beyond repair & becomes unfit for use .and like the little children, blame others for the incompleteness in our lives…and fate like the little girl quietly moves a few pieces while  our attention is focused elsewhere.

Often while looking back on life, we realize what we needed was perhaps already there. What were missing were our own correct perspectives to see clearly .often, in our stubbornness to play the game according to our own rules, we waste time and before we know it the final whistle is blown.

Its difficult to fathom our obsession with the missing pieces .why do let a few missing bits overtake the joy or beauty from the other pieces that we do have? Especially in our interpersonal relationships Maybe its just insecurity that someone else may come in and fill in the gaps .maybe it's our obsession to try and recreate Heaven which is synonymous with perfection whatever the cause, whatever the reason, we end up losing far more than what we do not have or what we did not get somewhere, I guess, we forget that all of us have our own unique places under the sun & that is why God created us ..

A long awaited weekend our gang of friends had decided to kick it off with a bowling competition As I was leaving along with a friend who stays nearby, my grandmother requested me to drop her off at a family friend's house where a Mata-ki-Chowki was being held.

After helping my grandmother into her seat, as my friend and I were about to leave, a soft plump hand landed on my left arm & a smooth silky voice purred into my ears, "array jaa kyun rahi ho? Seat main dila deti hoon" It was Ritu aunty, the hostess for that evening! It was impossible to refuse her grace and we let ourselves be led towards the place where the program was being held!

Our entry made all heads turn towards us with a wide-eyed look, only to be replaced by a snigger at our jeans and top attire. Aunty made sure we were seated before she moved on to attend to other guests. I dared not look in my friend's direction as the look on her face said loud and clear, "if looks could kill you'd be dead right now."

At that very moment a poke in my ribs from behind drew my attention. It was Nimisha, another neighbor. She told me, (in a stage whisper), that the following weekend she was throwing a party at xxxxx Lounge (a very happening place known for its exorbitant ballpark rates) for her 32^nd birthday the matronly Mrs. Lall  sitting next to her commented looking all around, "Nimisha is  going to turn 32 for the  3rd time in 3 years!" (Nimisha's over-the'top attempts at living up to her "just-out-of-college" image are often the cause of much amusement).  Khurana aunty added, "For some 'blessed' people time and age do stand still "

On the stage the bhajan singer, elaborately dressed in a red brocade sari continued to sing in her rich nasal voice—-

Mataji, Mataji, kripa karo,

Hum tere bhakt hai

Hum tere bhakt hai .

The words were set to the tune of "pardesi pardesi jaana nahi" from the film "Raja Hindustani"

A few ladies in the row behind us were engrossed in checking out the designs of their jewelry and mehendi .further down was a senior lady listening attentively with hands folded and eyes shut. Next to her were two small boys around 10 years or so, perhaps her grandsons, blowing bubbles from bubblegum!

The bhajan session was followed with an elaborate dinner a "saatvik bhojan" consisting of 23 courses (including 7 types of assorted salads & fruits salads and raitas and 5 kinds of desserts) of food liberally spiked with ghee here it would be impossible to even believe that a sizeable percentage of people in India do not get one square meals a day

As my friend and I navigated towards the dessert counter, Khurana aunty swept in & with a very impish smile filled her plate with 4 gulab jamuns a sizeable serving of mango soufflé & vanished! After a few minutes the rest of her friends turned up at the counter. She joined them a little while later with an empty plate and a very shy "unka phone tha jee" ..when her friends asked her to try the delicious melt-in-the-mouth gulab jamuns, she demurred saying that she is dieting!!!

"You know my weight is down to almost 60 Kgs now", announced the portly Mrs.Khurana

"Oh, you mean your weight on moon!" asked another lady as the whole gang broke out giggling.

A harassed mother was desperately trying to coax her kids to eat something. They adamantly refused the vegetarian food and wanted "chikkan". I was astounded by the patience she showed arguing, cajoling, sweet-talking until she finally managed to get her kids to eat and the look of relief and peace on her face as she watched them eat had to be seen to be believed! God bless mothers .honestly it is at times like these, seeing mothers like these that the heart says, "Jai Mata Di".

On Saturday evening I went for a movie with friends. As we were waiting in the lobby of the multiplex, I watched bits and snatches life passing by. A group of high school girls who had come to watch Dostana were waiting in a part of the lobby .they were looking adoringly at the poster and giggling away. Unknown to me, their infectious fun filled laughter had caught me in its web. Suddenly when a friend of mine asked me "why are you smiling?" that I realized that I, too, was smiling…. I pointed out  the girls to her; I saw a smile spread on her face as well

Another friend in our group made the mistake of saying "excuse me, aunty" to a middle-aged lady with two teenaged children she ,with a big artificial smile told him that she was married while in college & that's why her children are so "big"(whatever that means) my friend cannot recollect ever having asked her  how old she was ,or at what age she got married, but nevertheless, has decided he will stick to addressing women as "madam" in future .no more aunty business for him!

One guy standing near the food stalls, oblivious to everything else, was on a "check out the females of the species" mission. Not a single girl, sorry female, in the lobby escaped his stare young, old, fat, thin . obviously his tagline for this pastime was "Conditions DON'T Apply". My friend concluded this guy will never suffer from neck problems thanks to all the exercising of his neck. Of course, the guys in our group pretended not to hear her.

At the snacks corner there were queues for everything from bottled water to fried chicken decibels were the highest at that part of the lobby. I was watched with wonder at people balancing trays full of food & beverage as they negotiated their way through the crowds to stand in the queue to enter the hall .(I did not see anyone actually eating in the lobby)

Standing near the entrance of screen no. 2 were a group of overdressed ladies and gentlemen chatting happily and loudly. They were, very animatedly, discussing where and what to have for dinner after the movie was over! The movie was yet to begin, or for that matter, they were yet to enter the hall, and they were already talking dinner talk about being ahead of time! Such is the universal appeal of food.

As the hall doors began to open one by one people made a beeline to get in first. I wished someone would remind them that tickets have seat numbers on them .so you get to sit on the seat allotted to you.

Since I am still not fully recovered from a fractured toe, I decided to wait for the crowd to dissipate before I entered. I heard a young voice telling me, "Didi, the hall doors have opened  …Why you are still sitting here?" I pointed to my (still a little) swollen feet and said I don't want to hurt it once more.  Nodding sympathetically, my young well wisher said, "But enter before the lights are switched off, or you may hurt your toe yourself."

The biggest group in the lobby was ours& perhaps the most boisterous I just hope that no one else sits down to write a moving picture on our group!

An informal discussion with an ilander friend about a yet unpublished poem of his set me thinking about the importance of pain and loss (and our victory over it) as a source of creative inspiration! Some of the most awesome creations of art have been inspired by love, or more importantly by the loss of love

 Loss, and the consequent pain it brings, serves as the muse who has given birth to some immortal creations. The Taj Mahal, perhaps, is the most majestic, the most awe inspiring testimony to the memory of lost love

How does one explain pain a source of inspiration? What's the secret? How can negative feelings give rise to such amazing and timeless creations? Yet, as Shelley had said, "our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thoughts."

Perhaps, surviving pain is a message from our the inner selves "I have survived the blow, and I am stronger than my pain as I have defeated it" it fills us with a new lease of faith in ourselves. The strength derived from that knowledge that I have overcome, perhaps, gives rise to the power to write, to compose, to create .our brushes with pain & loss and subsequent survival redefines our faith in ourselves it opens up new vistas of experience .these very brushes fill colors into our lives and add depth to our knowledge of life. It helps us in seeing beyond the clouds and darkness and into the light of a new day, into a new sunrise. The power to withstand and overcome pain is a gift that god has given to all of us only some of us have forgotten to unwrap the gift and use it

Running away from fear and pain only drives our muse away and seriously restricts our creative powers. Whereas, confronting  fear and pain sets the soul free and this freedom allows us to seek horizons far beyond the domains of the physical world

The gist of our inner struggles and our attempts to conquer them has been very well summed up in this priceless quote (if anyone knows who has said this, please do let me know):-

When I Asked God for Strength,

He Gave Me Difficult Situations to Face

When I Asked God for Brain & Brawn

He Gave Me Puzzles in Life to Solve

When I Asked God for Happiness,

He Showed Me Some Unhappy People

When I Asked God for Wealth,

He Showed Me How to Work Hard

When I Asked God for Favors,

He Showed Me Opportunities to Work Hard

When I Asked God for Peace,

He Showed Me How to Help Others

God Gave Me Nothing I Wanted

He Gave Me Everything I Needed.

That was the day Deepavali was being celebrated. The time was evening. The flame of the diya, flickering brightly, held its own against the cool breeze that was blowing. I watched it in amazement .a tiny diya sturdily fighting a force of nature & holding on and not giving up. Some spirit indeed! No wonder diyas and candles are so widely used in religious festivals .perhaps to remind us that the power of survival is inherent within all of us. The flame of hope that burns within our hearts it is for us to keep the flame & alive.

Somewhere I had read, "Forget chasing rainbows. It doesn’t work. If you want rainbows, chase the storm rainbows appear only at the end of a storm…" How true!!! If we run away from the battles we will never know the taste of victory. The man who has never jumped into the water has never learnt to swim take your chances meet life head on . At least there will have no regrets about what may have been no regrets about missed chances!

"Dreams are like stars…you may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny." yes, it's our dreams which lead us on, and light up the path we tread on. It makes the journey so much more enjoyable if the path we walk on is the path which leads to a dream. I have often met people who think dreaming is a foolish person's pastime. I, somehow, never can agree to it. Dreams are the cradles where the vision of the future is nurtured.

The strength to achieve these dreams is right there within our own selves. The power to overcome the fear is embedded within our hearts.  Isn't it better to brave the storms and ride on the wings of the rainbow? So, keep the flame of hope alive and dream on face today fearlessly, because tomorrow belongs to you!

The sun had melted into the horizon. The earth was washed in an orange glow. The chirping birds were homeward bound. Their music cast a magic spell. The silence and the solitude were like a balm for the soul. It was the calming effect on the nerves that made thinking so much clearer. There are many unresolved issues ….things that perhaps were destined to be. But once, like all human beings, I too, refused to accept the inevitable believed that my power to resolve things were greater than destiny's power to make thing happen. But that was years ago in a rather depressed mood I had written the following lines:

Toofan kab ka guzar chuka par,

Zakhm to aaj bhi bhara nahi

Jo manzilein hum dhoond rahe the

Woh kabhi hame mili nahi

Kismat se jo bhi mila hai

Usko apna maan liya hai

Benaam se is safar ko

Zindagi ka naam diya hai

Today, I am more at peace with myself I accept certain things as inevitable. This gives me more positive energy to move ahead. I no longer waste time trying to battle things beyond my control. If something has to happen, it will happen and I prefer to see it as the will of god rather than a balance sheet entry of credit or debit in the book of life. And, nothing unbearable has happened to me as yet .nothing that I could not survive. The same fate also gives us the inner strength to survive.

A lot of people criticize this attitude of mine saying that I have given up the battle. But, what is the point in fighting a battle that only brings despair .is a pyrrhic victory a victory at all? What is the point in winning, if I lose very joy of living in the course of the fight? And who has ever won the battle against destiny? I would any day choose to be a happier person than a victorious one! Anyways, surviving the hardships and still moving ahead with zest (which remains undiminished for me) for life is the greatest victory of all

This is another moving picture I saw at a Dussera get-together. This incident disturbed me very much. I am writing about the incident just as it has happened. I leave it to you to interpret it your way .

Good advice! Do people giving such good advice even stop to think whether it is required at all. I happened to witness one such incident which bordered on cruelty, or so I thought.

They are young parents of a little child suffering from a congenital disorder. Doctors haven't given them much hope for the child's complete recovery  and his chances of  being able to lead a completely normal life is slim but not nil. It depends on how well he responds to treatment.

His parents, being parents have been fighting to get their child a life as normal as possible. They haven't given up hope. This fight comes at a very heavy price, both in terms of mental stamina and also actual money! The father puts in extra hours in his business to increase his income to support the treatment. The mother has given up her job to be with the child. And the "practical voices" around them finds fault with both of them.

Some well'wishers and advisors tell the father that he should cut down on his work load and spend time with the child(who knows how long he will live, this is life—–they add in a very sympathetic tone!), even though they know fully well why he puts in the extra efforts. Some, on the other hand, asks the mother why she isn't doing something (that is, taking up a job) to help her husband out. What's the whole point of being qualified if she cannot earn money!

But at the post Dussera dinner, the crowning comment came from a young professional, (a highly "educated" yuppie, drawing a mammoth amount as salary) and obviously single, "that's the reason why marriages & children should be banned in this already over-populated country. Just see the wastage of resources why, man, why [this was addressed to the father] Let him be, why don't have another child & get on with your life".

 I swear that in the silence that followed, one could hear the clock on the wall ticking away! One elderly lady was the first to recover. With a vengeance she started, "tu jab marega, tere pichhe…" promptly the child's father interrupted her and said,"jaane dijiye auntyji I too could have answered but I don't feel I am answerable to anybody." This quieted down the lady, but another gentleman standing nearby said to the yuppie, very quietly but equally firmly, "Young man, kuch questions ke answers sirf waqt ke paas hota hai our job is to continue to do our duty under all circumstances and as far as possible "

Through all this, the child continued to hop and play around the room, oblivious to everything.

Sunday dinner was a gourmet affair. Big boss had invited some of us to his house for dinner. They were celebrating the beginning of Durga Puja (he is a Bengali). The food was awesome Bengali cuisine ranging from sweetish to fiery hot gravies and a whole assortment of fried vegetables (vegetarian food was served as the occasion was a religious one).

What really struck me were the desserts there were so many kinds of Bengali sweets specially flown in from Kolkata. Boss's relatives had come for a short vacation and had brought the sweets with them. And yes, "cham cham" is the name of one of the highly decorated sweets served. There were many other kinds of sweets ranging from the syrupy sweet rassgullas to the lightly flavored mildly sweet dry sandesh. In spite of not being much of a sweet lover myself, I took liberal helpings (and felt very guilty too. Kept making mental notes about how much extra time I ought to spend at the gym.)

What surprised me most was big boss himself his image is one of a very strict no-nonsense guy in the office.   There is a saying in office, "if Mr. — starts adjusting his specs after you say something, you have got it wrong change the topic at once." This is how feared he is in office!

 And the scene at home ? Well his granddaughter calls the shots. The few months old child (his daughter's daughter) just had to let out the slightest sound and he was all attention. Half of the time I was there I saw him carrying the child. One "ehhh" from her, the man who never smiles in office broke out into the biggest grin of his life.

While we were saying goodbye to his daughter he told her something (in their language) to which she replied, "In the last 2 hrs you said she is hungry at least 5 times! how much will she eat?" He beat a hasty retreat. So much for Mr. Hitler in office!

In office, he is a person who is very calm and completely detached  and even his silences are feared.  We always check our notes twice before putting it up for his signature . But at home he was a completely different person fussing over details, talking smiling and even laughing!( that too,without anyone tickling him).

It really made me wonder about the various roles a person plays, knowingly or unknowingly, in the course of his life, in course of the day .

Waterloo!

 No, I am not talking about English village where Napoleon fought his last battle, nor am I talking about the chartbuster from ABBA(though I like it a lot). I am talking about the battle field that exists within us. Every day, at every step we have to face the cross roads of life where we pause and like Robert Frost decide on which of the two diverging roads to take.

Whether we become the Lord Nelson, the victor, or Napoleon, the vanquished, depends on what choices we make all our decisions cannot always be right. It never has been for anybody. But tact and wisdom lies in salvaging the situation most gracefully. Kiran Bedi, ex-IPS officer had said in an interview years ago, that when decisions go wrong we have to keep in mind why we took the decision in the first place, and start searching  for solutions from that point.

 I ,too, feel that, that should be the correct way to deal with a situation that’s  not going the way you expect it to. It's far better & less messy than trying to go whole hog to prove that I was right & you or they, as the case may be, were wrong. Playing blame game only gets us enemies and doesn't offer any solutions! More enemies mean lesser peace of mind.

Being able to sleep peacefully and laugh heartily are the most therapeutic things  that nature has given us. Don't be miserly with these . Jee bhar ke, aur dil khol ke hasiye aur hasaiye tensions aap se door bhagenge nothing is more satisfying than seeing your smile reflected in another person's face, at least for me.

Letting go, is another  tough “Battle”  for our minds. So, many times the feeling of revenge the “dekh lenge “feeling just refuses to leave us. Even though we understand that the fight is meaningless & there are going to be no clear victors, our ego refuses to let it go like Shakespeare's Shylock we cry for our pound of flesh. This is perhaps the most difficult of our inner battles to win. It's a waste of time and energy, which could have been otherwise used for self development. What do we gain even if our enemies lose against others? I have seen people enjoying ex-rivals' discomforts, sorrows or failures with a wicked sense of perverted joy. Do people really need to go down to that level .is losing one point rally the end of the game? I never thought so, I still do not think so.

 Mental discipline is perhaps the most important weapon that  help us in our fight for victory. Those who face challenges and are willing to fight a fair war on their own strength, without shooting from another's shoulders, are the ones who come out victors. As Duke of Wellington had rightly said, "the battle of waterloo was won on playing fields of Eton" .where discipline and fair play was taught! these are the two qualities that will helps one throughout their lives.

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For those of you who like poetry here is Robert Frost's "THE ROAD NOT TAKEN"

(I have been requested by an iland friend to post this poem)

 Robert Frost (1874'1963).

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth;         5

Then took the other, as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same,         10

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh, I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back.         15

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? 

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.         20

 Mountain Interval.  1920.