He was always known as an achiever. The idealistic go-getter who never failed to attain his goal that was the way he was, even in his school days! Born into a comfortably well off family, belonging to the privileged class, he was taught right from his childhood that he was extra blessed by god. He was lucky to be born into the "highest" caste/class of people But that extra blessing also brought with it some "responsibilities" towards the very social set-up which gave him the status of belonging to "god's chosen few" . And redeeming others seemed to be a very important part of the cosmic plan that god had for his people

All of this, his personal & social identity really did not bother him on a conscious level he was at ease with whatever the role he was expected to play in society and never questioned its logic that is, until he met her .she was like a whiff of fresh air .embodying the freedom of the sea and the freshness of spring. He had gone to a very prestigious Ivy League Business School to do his MBA & she was his classmate there.

With her, he learnt to laugh and sing aloud, with her he learnt to set his heart free from the prison of social roles. The exceptional success that he achieved both in his academics and his career during the 2 yrs that they were together made him realize that God did not grudge human beings their happiness that God did not create the social divisions or the rules

Soon it was time for him to return home and, as he had feared, his family refused to even consider her as a prospective bride .she not only belonged to a different class and caste but to a different culture altogether.  In their eyes, any such union was a sin in the eyes of God and a bad example to the rest of the world.

When she saw the toll this emotional turmoil was taking on him, she asked him to go back to his roots, to his family, to the beliefs and values he grew up with. If their goodbye was what God wanted then so be it .

Today almost 18 years later, the society sees him as an ideal man .but deep within he suffers from an undying sense of guilt guilty of not having enough courage to stand by the very person whose love was strong enough to let him go and seek a life free of controversies and guilty of not belonging fully to the people around him(except perhaps his children)

A part of his being belongs wholly to her even today (though they never met again after saying goodbye) a  secret  corner of his mind where she lives on even today, where he finds most solace and comfort even today!

"Majboor hoon, isliye tum bahana banana band karo &.make up your mind. We don't have eternity at our disposal!"-the words kept on resounding in her mind. But she too was "majboor" in her own way. His compulsions are "majboori" and mine "bahana", she thought.

 She continued to walk on by the seashore. The high tide was approaching. The waves left the sand very wet and soft. The sand got stuck between her toes as she was walking barefoot. As she stopped to wiggle her toes, her eyes fell on the row of twin footsteps that she had left behind on the "sands of time". The sight distracted her & also amused her. To some extent she was thrilled to see her undisturbed footsteps till as far as her eyes could see .yet she was very well aware that it needed only wind or water to wipe them away.  How ironical she thought these were the two most important elements of nature that sustain life ! She waited for the waves to come and wipe away her footprints

At the far end were the still visible but somewhat blurred footsteps of a happy childhood ..a time when the only evils in the world were the "wicked witches" of the fairy tales who disappeared when the story book was shut and fairy godmothers seemed so comfortingly real and wounds never left any lasting impressions .why does growing-up has to be a process of losing the inherent sense of security one is born with? Why does knowledge bring with it a sense of fear? The guy who coined the phrase "ignorance is bliss" sure knew what he was talking about

She was comfortable with not having it all, but she did not have the courage to withstand any more emotional losses.  if love was his majboori, fear was hers. They "understood" what the other wanted to say, but perhaps couldn't comprehend the meaning or the implications of each other’s thoughts .

The sound of a   playful wave from the "sea of eternity" broke into her reverie she moved forward into the water to wash away the "sands of time" clinging to her feet as the wave receded, the feel of the sand slipping away from under her feet made he instinctively dig her toes into the sand . & wryly she thought that the very reason she was in the water was to wash the sand away from her feet!

The ringing of the cell phone brought her back into reality. Her "Hi" was answered by an impatient but concerned, "Where are you? " She replied with a giggle, "caught between the sea of eternity and the sands of time!"

 The dinner time was unusually silent. The evening news on the T.V. played like a background score to the silence and did nothing to heighten or diminish the pain within their hearts or answer the innumerable questions racing through their minds. Yet to each other they pretended to completely sure that nothing can go wrong with their only son. A gradually growing painless lump on his elbow had been operated on and sent for biopsy. The report was expected the next morning.

 Both spent a sleepless night trying desperately not to communicate their fears to each other. Each time she shut her eyes the same images kept replaying in her mind ..her son as she first saw him, the first steps he took, the first time he called out "ma" the ever bubbling, restless child who always kept her on her toes and also how she had to firm and almost harsh to make him open his books and study .

As the darkness melted into light, she was more than eager to get out of bed. After a so-called breakfast, as her husband was leaving to collect the report, was the only moment they let their defenses fall for a short while . But soon he was on his way and she back to her daily routine like a zombie mentally repeating over and over again, " its just my old habit of worrying too much everything's going to be alright"

An hour later  the telephone rang    it was her husband saying that the report said that the growth was benign and everything was okay. For the  first time she let the tears flow through the flood gates of her heart as sat in front of the mandir in  their house .her tears were her “thank you” to God

Later in the evening, after visiting the doctor with the reports, on their way back, her son wanted to go to the ice-cream parlor. Instinctively she reminded him that his class tests were scheduled on Monday, how prone he was to sore throat, how too much sweets will harm his teeth .. But, even before she completed her sentence she broke into a big grin and agreed and soon they were their usual selves chirping away over ice-creams and sodas, teasing each other and laughing together.

The last few days had taught her the most important lessons of her life that life cannot be lived in water-tight compartments or in scoopfuls . The good and the bad, the happy and the sad,the hopes and the fears,our expectations and life’s uncertainties co-exist and have to be accepted together to make life a complete whole. The day had began  laden with unshed tears and suddenly changed into a rainbow colored evening…..this was what life was all about….

While discussing the value of education and its role in economic empowerment with Anamika, our ilander friend, she told me the tale of a neighbor during her growing up years. This is a tale of the 1980s we both hope the realities have changed today, but we both wondered, have they really .I am hereby, sharing with all of you (with her permission, of course) the tale that she shared with me .

DEVI

She is of average height, always neatly turned out, a big red bindi adorning her forehead. There is a look of complete detachment fixed on her face. People interpret it as "greatness" and look at her with awe. But, even 2 years ago her face did not reflect this "calm acceptance". There was something else in her eyes earlier .there was hope .hope that died when her son said that he was sorry but his current job and its resultant lifestyle didn't allow him to take her along with him to the city where he lives now. "You will get bored there" is what he had said. Life, by closing its final door of hope on her face, had released her from fear, the fear of losing anymore

Her voyage into this life began as the youngest child in a not-so-economically well off family. Their financial problems were compounded by her father's sudden death in an accident when she was still a child. Growing up in a joint family, she had learnt not to expect too much from life.

Her family had rejoiced during her marriage (arranged by their family priest) to an engineer working in a leading public sector undertaking .Motherhood followed marriage. But, soon enough, the bubble of security burst. What had been a niggling doubt in her mind was confirmed. Her husband had a mistress. It was to wean him away from her that his family had hastily arranged his marriage. They had hoped that the responsibility of marriage and family would change him. But, nothing changed and the "other woman" continued to remain the #1 priority in his life.

She had even packed her bags and left for her brother's place with her son in tow. But, her brother pleaded with her to return as he already had a big family to support and didn't earn much. Her own education, or rather the inadequacy of it, didn't leave her with the scope to work & earn independently.

The instinct of survival in living beings is strong, so, swallowing her pride she returned "home". She continued living like a stranger in her husband's house. Socially, they appeared as a couple. But, once the door of their apartment was shut, they did not even care to be civil to each other.

The pain and humiliation had killed a part of her. It had deadened her feelings to a very large extent. She almost always wore a deadpan, ex-pressionless look. She talked lesser and lesser and gradually became an onlooker in life. She found it convenient to hide her pain behind this mask of indifference.

But, the world chose to interpret it their way they commended her on her "patience", her "devotion to family", her "commitment" to the marriage vows they lauded her as an "Adarsh Bhartiya Naari" and comforted her that "one day he will come back to you". "Yes", she would think cynically, "he will the day she kicks him out" but she said nothing aloud.

The pain that tore away the fabric of her soul and took away the joy of living from her, ironically, made her a "Devi" in the eyes of society a society that was too full of itself to look beyond the surface. Instead of wiping away her tears, society crystallized them and gave them the glitter of diamonds. They made a goddess out of a woman who had only wanted to live as normal a life as anyone else.

The following post, is inspired by a real life incident of an ilander friend I feel honored that she trusted me with such personal details of her life and allowed me to write on it too .her only condition was that her identity be camouflaged (if you read to the end you will know why). I have been completely non-judgmental and stuck to the facts supplied by her (Of course the draft has been okayed by her ) Thank You buddy and Thank You iland for making such friendships happen!

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Days work over! She heaved a sigh of relief & started walking towards the door. The impatiently ringing telephone made her hasten back to her desk. She picked it up. It was a wrong number. Grumbling, she rejoined her colleagues at the door as they made their way out of the office. But, her mind went back to an incident about 10 years ago

Fresh out of college, she had just started working. It had started as a wrong number. He called back many times after that, which irritated her. But, after the first wrong number he made sure he talked about something related to the company she worked for. So, in spite of her exasperation she was forced to be polite to him. The calls continued till finally, at the end of her tether, she, politely, gave him her boss's direct number and asked him to talk to him.

His reply left her zapped. He calmly said that he called only to hear her voice & that everything else was an excuse. Indignantly she had slammed down the phone but was flattered nevertheless. Next time when he called, she told him firmly that what he was doing was sheer stupidity (but could not suppress that stupid inadvertent smile!!!). But the charmer managed to get his way and they were soon talking everyday & many times each day. To her 21 yrs old mind, he seemed to be everything she read of in fairy tales or saw on the silver screen .

One day he said he was coming down to meet her at her office as he had to travel to her town on some work.  She agreed. Early in the morning she got a half day leave sanctioned by her boss. Post lunch, she spent most of the time restlessly looking out of the window, waiting for the guy to arrive.

Finally he did. He looked more or less like he had described himself. She thought he appeared more restless than her. She hastily picked up her bag and left, checking her hair and lipstick in the mirror in the lift, & dabbing away the excess oil from her face with a tissue.

She had greeted him with her broadest ever smile, and after exchanging pleasantries, she invited him to tea at her place just 5 mins away.  He asked if she stayed alone. Of course not, she replied. She lived with her parents and sister & her mother would be present in the house. His next words stung her "what's the use of going there, then? Let's go to my hotel instead " it took her seconds to understand what he implied and she flatly refused.

The prince charming turned to a frog before she could blink Even today, her blood boils as she remembers some of the words he used she had walked away, then and there. She was furious with herself and her own lack of judgment .

About 4 years after that incident, she had got married to a wonderful man chosen by her parents and today they are the proud parents of a pocketsize dynamo .

A sharp honk brought her back to the present. It was her husband who had come to pick her up from office on his way back home. As she settled in her seat he teased her, "kahan khoyi thi aap?" she smiled and teased him back, "pehle aap bataiye aaj itne late kyun ."