“In our lives;
Unlike on tracks
We can’t rewind
We can’t go back”
The words filled me with wistfulness….immediately took me back; long back through the time machine of my mind. Wonder what it is about the past that it holds our present and future to ransom? Or maybe it’s just our own fear to let go of the familiar to sail the unfamiliar seas again…who knows!
But is there a need to look back only in sorrow, regret or bitterness… why not in happiness? Vacuum cannot exist on this earth…it never did. How we choose to fill in the gaps left by the tide of time is up to us completely. In consciously trying to forget, we keep reminding ourselves of the days gone by.
In trying to move on, we keep moving back…wishing to change what HAS become a constant for eternity! It’s a part of our lives so how can we leave it behind & move on… it was it was a conscious decision we took and whether it turns right or wrong , life goes on ….ironically instead of stopping to smile at the happier things , people often brood over the sadder parts…
But, without people life is the biggest loser…Life needs us as much as we need it…So let’s LIVE ON!!!
]]>He was always known as an achiever. The idealistic go-getter who never failed to attain his goal that was the way he was, even in his school days! Born into a comfortably well off family, belonging to the privileged class, he was taught right from his childhood that he was extra blessed by god. He was lucky to be born into the "highest" caste/class of people But that extra blessing also brought with it some "responsibilities" towards the very social set-up which gave him the status of belonging to "god's chosen few" . And redeeming others seemed to be a very important part of the cosmic plan that god had for his people
All of this, his personal & social identity really did not bother him on a conscious level he was at ease with whatever the role he was expected to play in society and never questioned its logic that is, until he met her .she was like a whiff of fresh air .embodying the freedom of the sea and the freshness of spring. He had gone to a very prestigious Ivy League Business School to do his MBA & she was his classmate there.
With her, he learnt to laugh and sing aloud, with her he learnt to set his heart free from the prison of social roles. The exceptional success that he achieved both in his academics and his career during the 2 yrs that they were together made him realize that God did not grudge human beings their happiness that God did not create the social divisions or the rules
Soon it was time for him to return home and, as he had feared, his family refused to even consider her as a prospective bride .she not only belonged to a different class and caste but to a different culture altogether. In their eyes, any such union was a sin in the eyes of God and a bad example to the rest of the world.
When she saw the toll this emotional turmoil was taking on him, she asked him to go back to his roots, to his family, to the beliefs and values he grew up with. If their goodbye was what God wanted then so be it .
Today almost 18 years later, the society sees him as an ideal man .but deep within he suffers from an undying sense of guilt guilty of not having enough courage to stand by the very person whose love was strong enough to let him go and seek a life free of controversies and guilty of not belonging fully to the people around him(except perhaps his children)
A part of his being belongs wholly to her even today (though they never met again after saying goodbye) a secret corner of his mind where she lives on even today, where he finds most solace and comfort even today!
"Majboor hoon, isliye tum bahana banana band karo &.make up your mind. We don't have eternity at our disposal!"-the words kept on resounding in her mind. But she too was "majboor" in her own way. His compulsions are "majboori" and mine "bahana", she thought.
She continued to walk on by the seashore. The high tide was approaching. The waves left the sand very wet and soft. The sand got stuck between her toes as she was walking barefoot. As she stopped to wiggle her toes, her eyes fell on the row of twin footsteps that she had left behind on the "sands of time". The sight distracted her & also amused her. To some extent she was thrilled to see her undisturbed footsteps till as far as her eyes could see .yet she was very well aware that it needed only wind or water to wipe them away. How ironical she thought these were the two most important elements of nature that sustain life ! She waited for the waves to come and wipe away her footprints
At the far end were the still visible but somewhat blurred footsteps of a happy childhood ..a time when the only evils in the world were the "wicked witches" of the fairy tales who disappeared when the story book was shut and fairy godmothers seemed so comfortingly real and wounds never left any lasting impressions .why does growing-up has to be a process of losing the inherent sense of security one is born with? Why does knowledge bring with it a sense of fear? The guy who coined the phrase "ignorance is bliss" sure knew what he was talking about
She was comfortable with not having it all, but she did not have the courage to withstand any more emotional losses. if love was his majboori, fear was hers. They "understood" what the other wanted to say, but perhaps couldn't comprehend the meaning or the implications of each other’s thoughts .
The sound of a playful wave from the "sea of eternity" broke into her reverie she moved forward into the water to wash away the "sands of time" clinging to her feet as the wave receded, the feel of the sand slipping away from under her feet made he instinctively dig her toes into the sand . & wryly she thought that the very reason she was in the water was to wash the sand away from her feet!
The ringing of the cell phone brought her back into reality. Her "Hi" was answered by an impatient but concerned, "Where are you? " She replied with a giggle, "caught between the sea of eternity and the sands of time!"
The dinner time was unusually silent. The evening news on the T.V. played like a background score to the silence and did nothing to heighten or diminish the pain within their hearts or answer the innumerable questions racing through their minds. Yet to each other they pretended to completely sure that nothing can go wrong with their only son. A gradually growing painless lump on his elbow had been operated on and sent for biopsy. The report was expected the next morning.
Both spent a sleepless night trying desperately not to communicate their fears to each other. Each time she shut her eyes the same images kept replaying in her mind ..her son as she first saw him, the first steps he took, the first time he called out "ma" the ever bubbling, restless child who always kept her on her toes and also how she had to firm and almost harsh to make him open his books and study .
As the darkness melted into light, she was more than eager to get out of bed. After a so-called breakfast, as her husband was leaving to collect the report, was the only moment they let their defenses fall for a short while . But soon he was on his way and she back to her daily routine like a zombie mentally repeating over and over again, " its just my old habit of worrying too much everything's going to be alright"
An hour later the telephone rang it was her husband saying that the report said that the growth was benign and everything was okay. For the first time she let the tears flow through the flood gates of her heart as sat in front of the mandir in their house .her tears were her “thank you” to God
Later in the evening, after visiting the doctor with the reports, on their way back, her son wanted to go to the ice-cream parlor. Instinctively she reminded him that his class tests were scheduled on Monday, how prone he was to sore throat, how too much sweets will harm his teeth .. But, even before she completed her sentence she broke into a big grin and agreed and soon they were their usual selves chirping away over ice-creams and sodas, teasing each other and laughing together.
The last few days had taught her the most important lessons of her life that life cannot be lived in water-tight compartments or in scoopfuls . The good and the bad, the happy and the sad,the hopes and the fears,our expectations and life’s uncertainties co-exist and have to be accepted together to make life a complete whole. The day had began laden with unshed tears and suddenly changed into a rainbow colored evening…..this was what life was all about….
]]>The Commander marched ahead & her 2-men army, oops, 2 prisoners'of-war followed. The younger one looked as if he had been asked to choose between death by hanging and death by guillotine!!! This was the routine for the last weekend every month when mummy went grocery shopping at the supermarket (more crowded than hell), housed in a mall well known for its food court (which is the only reason kid bro agrees to become our chauffeur & coolie for a day) Soon our odyssey began .
There was only 1 big cart left and a gentleman was almost near it…I kind of slid past him (thanks to all the pushing around during my hostel days, landing on my feet is a natural instinct) & grabbed the handle even as his fingers were just a few inches away. Then, of course I gave him the politest & the most apologetic smile I could muster & walked away with the cart.
Mom pointed to one end of the store & just started to speak, "look there is the " when younger bro cut her short with a bland "looked . only aunties there" even mom couldn't help but smile. The ever- hungry 19 yrs. old scuttled away saying he will grab a bite and come back soon. I glared at him for deserting me he didn't even bother to look my way.
Near the refrigeration section was a young couple with two cartons of Soya milk of different flavors arguing about which one to take. I saw them about half an hour later in the oils section & they had both the cartons in their cart!
Next to it was the ice-cream & chocolates section. A little child was haggling expertly with his mom for a chocolate. The lady kept shaking her head as the child stoutly held his ground claiming "bahauuuut bhookh lagi" (another lil bro in the making?) . Then he started picking up each piece of chocolate and reading out the price loudly & asking if that suited his mother's budget. With everyone looking her way, poor lady told her son to take one the smart kid promptly picked up a large bar & announced loudly "Rs 65", dropped it into the cart and moved on
In the veggies and fruits section the sight of a young woman desperately trying to choose the freshest ones reminded me of the time when I was living alone in another city. What a difficult job it is to identify the fresher veggies & fruits & after umpteen horrible experiences I was banned by my flat mates from shopping for veggies or fruits.
Next stop was the poultry section. Looking at the deep brown "protein eggs", (commonly known as "pro eggs" and used by muscle building enthusiasts), an elderly lady asked a store attendant nearby what it was. She heard "pro" as crow & her "aiyeeee! kauwe ke ande kaun khata hai" almost stopped many of us in our tracks!
A loud squeaky "hato hato" caught our attention as we saw one of the bigger carts hurtling down the aisle. As the cart swept past us, we saw "Mr. Hato"— around 4 or 5yrs., shorter than the cart, so invisible from the front. His father grabbed him and the cart before any mishaps could happen and looked exasperatedly at the child's mother who continued choosing cookies with a nonchalant air (probably a very familiar scenario for her).
A lady was standing at the kitchen items section with a few 'vim bars' in 1 hand and a few 'pril bars' in another. She had a deep frown and was looking intently at them with a deep frown I still haven't figured out what she was worried about .
Just then mom called me to read out the mfg & exp dates of some of the items she was buying . Wonder why she is so obsessed with it. All these will be used up in the course of a month and the same scene will be enacted once more
A lazy Sunday morning ..the whole extended family had gathered at our grandmother's place for a family lunch. The happiest and loudest ones were of course the children small in size, big on attitude. After a while they sat down to play with jigsaw puzzle of 1000 pieces.
As the older kids (5 & 8yrs old) got busy trying to fit the jigsaw, the youngest one (1 & yrs. old) very casually picked up a few pieces of the jigsaws and walked away. The other kids had almost finished fitting in the jigsaws pieces when they realized what had happened .they rushed to retrieve the missing pieces (which, by then, had changed shape completely thanks to chewing, breaking etc.).
All hell broke loose! We tried to tell them that their jigsaw looked great and just 7 missing pieces could not take away the beauty of 993 other pieces. But they were inconsolable. They blamed their little sister for everything (who was least bothered and had, by then, moved on to other toys). In anger one of the older kids broke the rest of it too, saying he did not want an incomplete puzzle
What struck me about this incident was how the whole scenario reflected our own lives .made me wonder about the time and energy we waste trying to find those missing jigsaw pieces of our lives. In our hunt for we do not have, we tend to overlook what we do have (which is usually more than what we don't have).
And by the time realization dons, a lot of what we had but did not use or enjoy is already decayed or wasted beyond repair & becomes unfit for use .and like the little children, blame others for the incompleteness in our lives…and fate like the little girl quietly moves a few pieces while our attention is focused elsewhere.
Often while looking back on life, we realize what we needed was perhaps already there. What were missing were our own correct perspectives to see clearly .often, in our stubbornness to play the game according to our own rules, we waste time and before we know it the final whistle is blown.
Its difficult to fathom our obsession with the missing pieces .why do let a few missing bits overtake the joy or beauty from the other pieces that we do have? Especially in our interpersonal relationships Maybe its just insecurity that someone else may come in and fill in the gaps .maybe it's our obsession to try and recreate Heaven which is synonymous with perfection whatever the cause, whatever the reason, we end up losing far more than what we do not have or what we did not get somewhere, I guess, we forget that all of us have our own unique places under the sun & that is why God created us ..
I was waiting with my mother for our turn at a doctor's chamber. She too was waiting for her turn. I had seen her earlier too, at the same place. We only smiled at each other on the other occasions. She was accompanied by her son who was perpetually talking on his cell-phone. Bored, she struck up a conversation with us. Her husband was admitted in the hospital and she had come to talk to the doctor about her husband's progress to health. They had been married almost 46 years ago. She did not meet her husband till everything was fixed by the families. There was no going back then. She told me that she always visualized a husband who was dapper likeDev Anand but her husband, well… (all she did was smile sheepishly).
But, good girls did not defy their families, so she got married to the guy with loads of regrets about what may have been. Initially, though she never showed it, she was full self pity. But as time flew she realized how unwise she was in her judgment. With an impish smile on her face, she told me, how some of her friends were almost jealous of the way her husband looked after her. He made sure that she was always treated with respect by everyone in the family, even by their own kids. When their second kid was born (they were on a foreign posting) he took care of the home & the older kid leaving her to concentrate on the new-born & herself.
Today, she feels her husband was God's greatest gift to her. She is especially thankful that she did not voice her displeasure when marriage negotiations were on, otherwise who knows what kind of man she would have been married to. She acknowledges that in the success of their long & happy marriage her husband's contribution was great. And, she added tongue in cheek, the men of her husband's age all look more or less the same today, no matter how good-looking they were in their youth.
This encounter reminded me of what Sister Adele ,Principal of our school, used to tell us —– instead of fretting at the sight of the cloud look for the sun behind it & you shall see the rainbow appear'
________________________________________________________________________
On the 15th of July, I had completed a year in rediff iland . When I had taken my 1st tentative steps into the world of blogging, I was clueless about what to expect here. I had no idea of the enormous amount of affection and acceptance that I found from my fellow bloggers, some of whom have even become friends for real. Today iland family, somehow, has broken barriers of being a virtual world and has become a part of my life
The pattern of life replicates it self so well on this iland. Some friends go away, new friends join in, yet each one has a place in our hearts that is unique. One can never replace the other. Each goodbye leaves a vacuum that echoes with the absence of a friend; each hello also makes us aware of a niche within our conscious mind which was, until that moment, unknown to even us.
Yes, I had my share of disagreements too but I was very lucky to have detractors and critics who behaved in the utmost dignified manner and our differences got solved without any nastiness. I wish to thank them for helping me develop more as a person and a writer.
I am sorry I cannot mention each and every one of you by name as it would take multiple blogs to fit in the contribution each of you have made to my development as a blogger and in strengthening my confidence . However, I wish to make a special mention, of Pradeep, my first friend on iland, who almost bullied me into writing this piece. I had happily given the 1st anniversary of blogging a miss, but his incessant reminders that I was being ungrateful to the iland by ignoring my friends made me write this post
I wish to dedicate the following poem to all of you .the poet's name is not known to me if anyone knows , please do let me know .
Just One
One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.
One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.
One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.
One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal
One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.
One step must start each journey.
One word must start each prayer.
One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.
One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what’s true,
One life can make a difference,
You see, it’s up to you!
Life Unplugged—-
Is An Unfinished Tale
—
Of sunny days
Misty nights
Awesome depths
Heady heights
Magical horizons
Dark or bright
The rushing wind
The gushing flow
The surging tides
The highs, the lows
An unseen voyage
An unknown port
Dreams lead on
And paths unfold
The will unchained
The soul on fire
The spirit free and
Full of desire
"Reach out"— they cry,
"To the call of the wild .
For life was born to be
Destiny's child !"
Celebrating Silliness . That could have been theme for the evening full of fun and laughter it was an informal gathering of old school friends that, without any rhyme or reason turned into an impromptu party…and, needless to add, all the stories and tales so neatly & lovingly stacked away in the crevices of our minds came tumbling out
We spent that evening laughing like maniacs till tears rolled down our faces.
Once, when I was in the 7th standard, I had hurriedly written my name on the answer script and the letters got a bit mixed up at least the "r" & "i" did and while handing out the corrected papers my teacher had read out my name as "santa" singh .. To this date my school friends tease me by that name & never fail to fwd to me every santa singh joke they ever come across!!!
Nina was a very sweet and shy girl whose family returned to
The spontaneous laughter of the whole classroom, sight of the teacher's stunned face and Nina's confused one (she didn't even realize what was wrong) made the scene an unforgettable memory .
Exam times & cheating went hand in hand .the biggest partners-in-crime of our class Mahesh & Ravi, split up the syllabus between the 2 of them. Each studied one half & for questions from the other half, they relied on copying from the other
During a term exam,
Our principal was a very somber and strict gentleman who loved giving us impositions to write . They were to be written no less than 1000 times & he actually checked it!!!! . So getting caught by him meant HELLLLLL .
Once during a teacher's absence our class was naturally noisy and our principal came to check out what was happening. One smart guy promptly slid under the table to avoid imposition and seeing him a few more (including me) followed. The logic was simple sir would give imposition to write and then go away and if he did not see us we would be spared!
But, as luck would have it he decided to stay back for the whole period and "talk" to the class and we were forced to stay back under the table for almost an hour!!! My neck still aches from the memory!
Endless memories I would run out of space if I were to list all of them but so beautiful, so special that even time cannot rust them out ..In fact time has only polished them and added to their sheen!