Ramesh’s blog This is Me!!

Bombs, Rumblings and Dinner time Ramblings

I have noticed that when my kids are around its more fun if I went into a LISTENING mode than a TALKING mode - especially when ones kids are aged 10 and 6. They have so much to say and so much to ask. Their curiosity knows no bounds and very often I find myself at my wits ends trying to answer them and put them at ease. I know its wrong but Kya Kare Kabhi Kabhi Yeh Dimaag Bhi na .

Any way most dinners are the only time when we get to sit as a family and manage some chat time to ourselves. The older one is just learning about plant reproduction and all that and we have thus far not heard of any questions on how human beings reproduce. Though there are a lot of books that suggests parents to come out with the correct explanation I personally don't think its going to be easy for me to explain to the little brats how they ever set foot on this planet. Then again when the time comes I may just lift a few lines off that TV show where I once saw a fireman explain the Dos and Don'ts to the son of the fire chief who was planning on his first date.

He says to him "Look its as simple as pie .when the male species and the female species get so happy" and just the the boy grins. So he slaps him on his face and continues "No not happy enough to grin .they produce this zygote which then evolves in nature's greatest miracle" and just then the boy goes "The Grand Canyon right?"

But just a few days back as I was putting a spoon full of food into my mouth my young one says "wow today we heard a sound of a fusion of a dog and a cow .." and I couldn't help myself saying "What the hell ?"

A few days back my father had to be rushed to the hospital to be operated upon for a twisted intesting. At his age (80) doctors had said the first 48 hours were very critical. Dinner topic that evening was kicked off with my wife explaining to my sons that their grandfather was seriously ill in the ICU and that things may take a turn for the worse. Almost immediately after he had heard everything his mother had to say my elder son asked me matter of factly "So Acha will your father die?" One question was followed by another on the same topic. Death was the TOPIC OF THE DAY for sure until their mother had to tell them not to sound so insensitive.

More recently numerous  bombs were going BOOM BOOM in various parts of the country ' Banglore and now Ahmedabad too. Infact just today I had made my son read the newspaper about the toll in the recent Ahmedabad blast and it was so fresh in his memory 'which as it is, is so vivid with imagination. Kochi, quite unusually, had a bomb scare too yesterday. I was to leave for work this morning and my wife was trying to talk me out of it. My neighbours also called my wife to ask her if I had planned on pressing on with my plans and I said "Yes no doubts about it"

Having gotten disgusted of her helpless state she stopped watching the TV warnings and we all sat down for yet another dinner session. My older one says "So acha we are safe right living in our flat? Because if a bomb were to explode we may escape unhurt right cos we are so high above?" and I told him on the contrary I felt it would have been safer on the lower levels considering the possibility of a building being razed by a huge explosion. Just then my wife butted in and said "If there is a explosion the luckiest thing to happen is for all four of us to go in one GO" to which my elder son said "No I am too young to die"

My wife was again trying to talk me out of the trip and I finally told her that if I had to go (up in a big blast) I would go. I also added that she should make sure I got driven to the crematorium in  the Vehicle of my dreams 'that I had not had time to buy yet ' a Black Mercedes Benz. And to that she said "Log Kya kahenge .ki mein pagal hoon?"

Just then I notice the little guy beginning to weep and cling on to his mothers shoulders as if his life depended on it and I saw him whispering something. The next thing I knew my wife was laughing her heart out. Apparently the little guy had told her ."If Achan goes away and a bomb blasts he will escape and we will all die".  Then I heard him say "Only Achan will live" sounding so disappointed at the thought of Achan cheating death.

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Star of the family

It was dinner time again and my elder son (who usually talks the most at the dinner table) came up with another one of his imaginative descriptions of his residential address. We were all seated around the table listening to him say that should someone ask him his address he would say he is so and so and he lives in Kochi, Kerala state, India, Asia, The world, Solar system, Milky Way  and finally The Universe.

Having heard him out my wife thought for a moment and turned to him and pointed to her tummy and said. "Did you know you came from within here? So really as far as you are concerned I am your Universe and I am your all"

It was interesting conversation but I suddenly couldn't help feeling left out of all that was going on. As if my wife sensed my thoughts she went on to voice it saying "Someone is feeling left out of this conversation" and just then my elder son asked me "So Acha what are you if Amma is the Universe?"

Thinking quickly I had to come with an answer and I told him “Son, I am the Shooting Star" and left it at that. My wife was in splits.

Meanwhile my younger son who was biting into the banana he had just peeled got curious to know how a banana comes formed the way it does. Prompt he was to turn to me and ask "Acha who closed the Yellow and Green Bananas?" to get us all laughing

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Last night I shed a silent tear

Last night I shed a silent tear
As I hugged you close my son
Recollecting all that cruelty
I had displayed a little earlier on

Although it was out of complete helplessness I acted
The frustration of the situation now makes me sad
But would the poor child realize or understand
Why his father was suddenly behaving this mad

The father who greeted him with a smile
As he got back from his first day at school
Was all annoyed that it had taken a long while
Watching TV and not eating any food

The tick tock of the wall clock that constantly reminds
Of the newspaper reading and other chores yet to be done
Many a precious moulding second is slipping away
Due to the lack of initiative of my loving son

How many days more will I have to remind you
How many, How many, How many times?
A list of things to do I have so prominently displayed
Yet "Why do I have to remind you each time?"

It worries me to no extent, It pains me ceaselessly
The fear of what a person you will mould into.
I introspect and question my ways silently
To find better ways of parenting than I do

It is out of helplessness and not out of lack of love
That occasionally I beat you to set things right
It is out of frustration at the thought of the lost time
That I yell and scream and shout and do nothing right

I fear if I have scarred you already
Or has indifference set in? - for I fear that very much
I know I want to be a good father
The pressures at work make me lose the caring touch

For all the cruelty I display that day will surely come
When the Gods will show no mercy on my soul
I dare pray let the devils show no mercy on me either
In return make my son complete as a man on the whole

Make him not the most knowledgeable but make him wise
Make him not the strongest but make him bold
Make him not discontent but keep him happy
Make him not too proud but make pride in him a virtue

Make him fear nothing but let him know fear
Make him not waste time but learn to respect it well
Spice it all up with a sense of compassion, determination
A spirit of adventure, patience and a sense to be TRUE

This is all I ask for my child my loving son
To give the best always is what I have tried
In fits of rage and helplessness I have been awful, unkind
I realized as I hugged you close and I broke down and cried.

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Kunju Laxmi Amma

There was this very old framed photograph of a lady on the walls of my ancestral house. It was faded and very light obviously indicated if anything its age. For the last so many years that I have seen it, I have just looked at it without really committing to memory who this person really is and why her picture was up there on one of the walls.

While it is customary to put up photographs of elderly family members who were no more in most parts of Kerala, I knew for a fact that this was definitely not my grandmother. I had seen my grandmother until the age of 12 or so.

On a hunch I decided to take it to a reputed Photo Studio that advertised its expertise in restoring old damaged photographs. The man said it would cost me Rs 1000/- (US$ 25) to attempt the restoration and did not ensure me of the success of the work. Not withstanding I decided to give it a go and I was asked to come back after 10 days to take a look at the picture that had been restored before I ordered the prints.

Not having been given any assurance I did not pin my hopes on seeing any thing new at all. However at the end of 7 days when I happened to just go in and ask, I was in for a surprise for there was a much clearer face where there was nothing and Technology had come in handy to add colour to it too. There were some minor changes i liked brought about to the restored picture - replacing the red bindi by a Sandalwood bindi on the forehead and removing a dark scar from above the left eyelid. Another three days went by and on the tenth day I had the picture printed out to the size I wanted to fit into the original shape.

Kunju Laxmi Amma had been given a lease of life and more than anything else she had been made immortal once again thanks to modern day Technology. This, fellow ILANDers, is my great grand mother. Encouraged by the success of this project, I rummaged through some old photographs at home today and Lo and Behold what do I find .one and only one rare picture of my Great Great Grand mother. Seeing that my older son immediately expressed - "Didn't they have any decent clothes in those days".  The picture was showed her in her traditional dress of that age wearing no blouse.

I am so tempted to restore that and make a family tree on my sons Pin up board for posterity. Looking at it from his point of view he now has visibility back in time upto six generations on his father's side. Now I would like to know how many can boast of that? Alex Haley can you??

The big question is will my sons grow up to value the wealth of information I am preparing for them when they grow up?

P.S She died at a young age of 32 from what is believed to have been cancer. This is all I know about her

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A Hundred Kisses

As a child I remember I would be woken up my father on all working days. I was expected to be up by 6 AM to be ready to go to school in time. And I also remember that every morning it used to be a bargaining session with me asking for a few minutes more to sleep and my dad would allow me an additional 2 minutes but I would stretch it to five invariably.

There were also days when my dad would leave me to sleep those two minutes and he would in the meanwhile get busy with some other chores. By the time he would remember that I am still not out of bed it would be way too late and the next think I would feel was that nasty YANK!!!! and I am out of bed. OUCH!!

Now I am much older and a father of two boys in my own right. I am now in the same position that my dad was years ago. If any, the school bus timings are earlier and that means no room for slippage. But kids will always be kids and no matter how hard and strict I am with them trying to get them to go into bed at night at 9.30 PM sharp, it invariably slips to 9.45 or 10 PM thereby depriving them of that 15 to 30 mins of sleep.

Nothing has changed otherwise. Each morning I am reminded of me as I try to wake up the little monsters and they stretch out and sleepily say “10 more minutes Acha” and then bargain it down to 5 minutes and then down to 2 minutes. (Quite a change there huh cos I remember I used to stretch it).

Well there are days when I too get involved with something in those two minutes - the milk on the stove about to boil over or answering the door bell that goes off just then and stuff like that.
Trying to get them out of bed the minute I wake them up leads them to being cranky and not in the best mood.

Off late I have tried to switch over to what I call the 100 Kiss approach and believe me it works like magic in two minutes and they are up smiling, laughing and happy. After I ask them to wake up, I warn them I am gonna give them a hundred kisses. Then I go on to kiss them so as to Tickle them awake starting with gentle pecks and progressively making them more and more ticklish.

By the time I am through with it, they would be begging me to stop and would be more than happy to jump out of bed than endure one more. What is more….they wake up laughing and I have seen they are happier children for the rest of the day. Quite Unwittingly I think I have also hit upon a way to tell the child YOU CARE. When else in our busy lives do we get time during the day to stop and give a Hundred Kisses to you loving kids?

I am convinced about one thing for sure - without a hundred kisses I can so very well remember how my father woke me up…imagine what a Hundred Kisses can do? (Does that sound a bit like the Seagrams Hundred Pipers Whiskey advt?) Whichever way call it good parenting or call it better management tactics as you please

P.S It has been found to work on my wife too So does that mean its Back to School for her??

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Summer Vacation 07

Its Summer vacation time and after several years I have managed to take time off from work at a time coinciding with my sons school holidays. Like  all of you, I usually sleep late, lazed around and while away my time. But that is what it normally used to be. Now as a father of two sons, if I did that I would only be the CATALYST in making them even lazier.

So just to ensure that my kids don't simply while away their two-month-long holiday I decided it would be a nice mix of work and play. But the important thing is make it enjoyable for one and all.

With my wife recently getting a pay hike, her job keeps her more than busy and she has no vacation so to speak. As for my sons, I decided to let the younger one be but only after writing his two pages of English alphabets each morning. I intend to take him swimming and teach him to swim on his own by the time my holiday gets over in three weeks.

My older son on the other hand had to work on improving his handwriting ' both English and Hindi and also sharpen his Mental math capabilities. I am aware that it is with a great deal of gritting of teeth and disgruntlement  that he sits down to doing his assignments while his friends are busy probably watching TV or playing PS2.

Home improvement is always a very interesting thing to do. Be it painting a wall or shopping for new furnishings its always fun. It had been four years since we moved into our present home and with sons (or do I call them little monsters ) of 9 and 4 years of age at home…adequate reason for the house to deserve a cosmetic facelift especially in the kids bedroom and the guest bedroom.

With my not being so occupied and also being a DIY buff, I decided I was going to do it on my own this time as a Project. With  encouragement and assistance from my wife, she and I got ready with five cans of Plastic emulsion ' four Whites and one Orange. Yes a conscious decision had been taken to change the colour of two walls of the guest bedroom to bright Orange. I must admit for someone who had never tried his hand at this work, not only did I find it interesting but also very rewarding when things worked out right.

Thereafter, my next project was to give my sons a haircut. Considering it was hot summer months, I decided I was going to give them a very close haircut. But taking the likelihood of being teased by friends, I knew it was not going to be easy to convince them ' especially the older one who is becoming more and more conscious of himself everyday. But having spent 500 rupees on buying a new electric cutter, I knew there was no turning back now. So for me it was DIY haircut but to them it must have seemed like the Rape of their Lock. One look at the picture and you will realize why I think I did a fantastic job.

One person who had not been tasked by me for anything was my wife. I have now taken it on myself to teach her to ride my bike ' the heavy, mean, 180 cc Black Pulsar. These last four days she and I have been going out every evening for a half an hour tutorial session. Barring the fact that she can't concentrate on keeping the handle bar straight while shifting the gear and can't get the gear shift right while riding on a straight line, I must admit she is doing really good for a complete beginner.

Well also lined up during this holiday is trip to some coastal region ' There is going to be lots of tan and peeling skin by the time we get back from there for sure.

Its barely been a week into our holiday and I have already got my hands full and I am definitely enjoying it.  What about the others?? Do they wish my time off had not been at the same time as their vacations or are they merely enduring me?

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All in a days work at the Swimming Pool

"So did you enjoy the swim man?" I asked turning to my 4 and a half year old who had just let me take him to the bottom of the pool so as to touch his leg on the deepest point (163 cms). It was only a while ago that he had demonstrated his ability to hold his breath for 8 seconds under water. Promptly came his reply in a complaining tone "But Acha (dad), you did not  make me touch my hand on the floor of the pool". Just when I was feeling like Kevin Costner in Waterworld descending with the little monster to the depths of the pool, his complain led me to believe I had much to do before I could win any appreciation from this dare devil.

The pool in the complex where I live is a small one (15 mts by 8 mtrs and 165 cms at the deepest). As I do on any other holiday I had decided to take my sons swimming. Today was a holiday on account of Mondy Thursday and the Easter weekend. I had for some months been trying to get my older son (9 yrs old) to swim the entire length of the pool. He has been making reasonably good progress but I realized that having to compel him to do this and that every time we went swimming was taking much of my time and a lot of his interest away. So for the last two times we went swimming I let him have his own free play time to do as he pleases. And to my surprise he was more amenable to learning new things this way. 

Sharing time between the two - little guy at the shallow end at the pool and the other at the deeper end, I would swim to the little fellow to play for a while tossing him up into the air or let him piggy back ride me on a free ride before turning my attention to the older one - I planned to spend the one hour in the pool.

Seeing me dive into a pool whose side walls bore the notice "NO DIVING", my older son suddenly felt the urge to do what I was doing. He asked me if I could teach him to dive. I made him stand by edge of the pool and sit on his haunch and instructed him on how it was to be done and finally waited for gravity to pull him into the pool as he tried to tip over. One two…three and Voila!! He had done it!!

By this time the younger one had come running around the periphery of the pool and said "I wanna jump too". So I prepared myself for his tiny splash and since he didn't know swimming I had to be ready to catch him. He jumped a few times (one time too many actually) each time he would say "LAST OK?" in the most convincing tone and Jump only to say "One more acha pleeeease" .

Somewhere during all this experimenting and playing came from my younger son his display of his ability to hold his breath under water. “Acha you count” he said  and I volunteered to count ."1…2 3 4 5 6 7 8" . Wow 8 seconds ! I said to myself wondering if his tiny lungs had so much capacity to hold air. The next thing I knew we were preparing to attempt touching the floor atleast with his feet. Just then SPLASH my older one was having a ball of a time or do I say WHALE of a time?. Meanwhile, I was a little tense .will he take in water? Will we make it back in good time etc. Any way I decided to go ahead. One two and three and we were on our way down. Before I knew it we were heading back up must have been less than 3 seconds in all.

During the remaining 10 minutes of our swimming session, I noticed the older one splashing more water and swimming full lengths of the pool without being told. Then I saw him throw his goggles into the water and I saw him retrieve that from the very depths. He had obviously become more confident in doing a lot of things in this one day than he had with all my compelling the months gone by. And strangely so had the younger one.

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My son Misty - (riously) beat your daughter to it

Just the other day I had read a blog by Misty Bella on how she had uncovered a stash of adult material on her child's PC. It felt good to read that parents had handled the situation with maturity and got the child to confess and confide which I think is the right way to go about dealing with such sensitive topics. Titled The Stormy Years  ,I thought the post covered one of the biggest problems facing my generation (as parents) from the Internet.

The fact that blog got 49 comments (at the time of writing this post) only goes to show how many people had their ears pricked in attention for these daily issues. I also remember walking away proud about leaving what I thought was a good comment too. For the benefit of those who have not read it on there I have pasted it here :

Yes the Internet brings with it as much EVIL as it does GOOD. Added to that the fact most parents work makes it an ideal situation for young minds to be coaxed and cajoled into every possible sleazy act in front of a WEBCAM. I am glad you have managed to have an open chat and that both sides have won the trust of the other. That is important. I must tell you as a child I once stole 25 paise for an ice-cream (ice creams were available from 10 paise upwards). Unfortunately my father caught me at it. He threatened to throw me out of the house if I ever repeated it. Some days later my mom called me aside and said something that I will never forget ever…She said “Son if you want to take money take it. if you want to smoke, smoke if you want to do anything do it but have the courage of conviction to do it in front of us…not behind our backs” More than any amount of scolding or beating I think that worked.

I was feeling nice and happy having given good advice to a fellow ILander and somewhere at the back of my head was also the thought that one day I too will face these same problems. Considering my older son was only nine, I was sitting pretty thinking that it would be a long time to go before I even sight that bridge leave alone crossing it.

With a death in the family my wife had to go away leaving both the brats at home under my supervision. The younger one had school to keep him busy during the day while the older one had alternate days off to give him time to prepare for his final exams. Imagine!! Alternate days off for a third grade final exam ' a privilege I didn't have until the 10^th I suppose. Anyway so there we were and I would leave my elder son with the maid and with specific instructions on what do and not to do. " Finish your studies no playing in the morning, no TV and listen to the maid. If you have finished all that you are expected to study then you may watch TV for two hours in the afternoon and only after 4.30 pm are you to go down to play "

That evening after I came home I logged on to the PC which I knew had been turned on as I found the UPS switched on when I had left it off. I checked the IE history for the visits that day and lo and behold what do I find? ' Google searches for some of his favourite topics ' Hayabusa, Hrithik, DOOM II, DON, Ferrari cars and then I found some not so favourite searches that made me sit up in attention and take note SEXY LADIES KISSING, SEX, SEXY LADIES UNDERWEAR. Now I had frowns all over my forehead and in an instant the worry had aged me by a few years or so I felt.

I knew who was behind it but I had to find out if anyone of his friends were over that day before I could pin him down. Getting him to accept and open up without embarrassing him was IMPORTANT and I decided the Interrogation would be delayed by 24 hours till I went to my in-laws the following day.

The following day was a hectic one that started with his exams followed by a six hour drive to my in-laws house to go pay the last respects and that night we had the mosquitoes to suck us dry if the heat already hadn't gotten to us first. Finally the time seemed right -11 pm as we were all in the bed room and I asked him who all were there at home the previous day when I was at work to which he replied the maid, the carpenters (cos we had some work going on) and him. "No one else?" I asked and he confirmed none of his friends had come over.

What all did you do I asked and he spilt out all his activities of the day which included computer browsing too. Then I asked him what all he did and he said that he had " mostly searched for pictures on Google.com the search engine".

"Pictures of what ?" I asked and "Cars, Bikes and Hrithik" came the spontaneous answer. "But your brother had also mentioned you had searched for DOOM II and DON" I added. "Yeah that too…" he replied. A few more minutes and after having assured him several times that this was the one chance for him to come clean he said " I think I had accidentally typed the letters S E . and   X"

So I asked him where he got that word from and he said from the Hair Gel advertisement on TV "SET WET ZATAC very very SEXy ". Ok that was convincing enough. But I told him it was no accident to type all the three letters and in the correct sequence too. A few more minutes later he admitted to having typed in "Man and Woman Kissing too" and "N a k e d" and I was wondering which Television commercial was responsible for that.

At the end of what was a 10 minute long grilling session our little monster had innocently confessed to everything. And I had kept a gentleman's word too by showing no anger or hostility. We wound up telling him that curiosity was fine but this can lead him to trouble if we allowed it to go unnoticed. We have since put a ban on him using the PC at our place or anyone else's house without adult censorship. As we lay down to sleep I asked him to voice his thoughts and he said "I am thinking how you found out" and that assured me for now that he would think twice before doing it again. As for me do I feel proud Misty that my son beat your daughter to it? No, not proud but definitely Concerned !!

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Incentive or Performance which comes first?

My son just turned nine and we were driving to buy him a carrom board for his birthday. With my wife behind the wheel,I struck up a conversation with my son.

During the chat, it emerged that although he was mighty pleased with the gift we were buying him he made it adequately clear that he was expecting us to get him the Play Station 2 (atleast) if he got all A or A+ in his school grades (when the school closed in another two months). That set me comparing what happens in the corporate world with what happenned closer home.

In the corporate world I guess every once in a while (if your company has been doing well and if your boss has found you to perform well) you are rewarded with a cash bonus or a holiday abroad as if to give you a pat on your back and say Good Job ! Well done. Keep it up.

Closer home I realised that for every thing that my son was expected to do, he did it not only better but quicker too if the incentive was right. Now I know my son is no exception and I am no exceptional parent. After all we have all at some stage or the other promised our Brats at home a trip to the Pizza Hut or a packet of Lays if he/she did this or that and more often than not we have got them to exactly what we so wanted. Geting him the Play Station is another act of promising something attractive to get him to do well at the school exams.

If this works well at home with the “Incentive Based Performance” technique why are the MNC still stuck on to “Performance Based Rewards“?

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Happy Children

I don't want them to grow up like you

Harboring so much of resentment

I don't want them moping and grumpy

She said "I want Happy Children"

Two words that could mean so much

Her two words I so misconstrue

Two words I failed to understand

From my point of view

Is happiness letting them be?

Enjoying ones space to do as they please

Is happiness about turning a blind eye

No corrections, no monitoring, nothing please

The untidy room of a boy who doesn't wear his shoes to play

Or the incomplete assignment book brought back from school

Those long eating sessions that drags on forever and ever

As if eating were life's biggest punishment to do

Does the old adage spare the rod and spoil the child

Have no bearing at all in these modern times?

Or am I too rigid and a bit too old fashioned

To not interpret what's written between the lines?

I freak at every small thing because of my strict upbringing

I worry of what will happen to them when they grow

I worry if I am being a good father enough to them

Preparing them for a future we don't know

Will they have a sense of responsibility or a value for time?

Or will they bear any scars from their child hood, any resentment?

Will things change for the better notwithstanding what we do?

Will they look back in years from now and say “We were Happy Children“?

Written spontaneously on the 26 Jan 2007 when wifey and kids had gone home for a long weekend. I had lost my shirt over something my elder son had done - nothing too serious considering his age  but I guess I went overboard. This poem came to me as I sat there by myself feeling guilty and worried of what would become of the brats.

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