Jamshed Velayuda Rajan

Ouchmytoe Moves (Hell & Earth to make you laugh)

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Wife wins. Again.

One of the Ouchmytoe.com readers mailed this short piece and asked me to upload it on the blog. Not willing to disappoint her, here goes -

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his salary) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of abuse from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

"That would suit me just fine!!!" the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday went by with the same result.
Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye!

Much married, much harried�

I can now say that I am a much married man. I say �much married� because we crossed our second wedding anniversary on 8th September. Despite the body and mind willing (actually, more of the body) I haven�t married many times.

Have you notices that the word �Harried� rhymes with the word �Married�? Now you know why Prince Charles and Princess Diana named their son Harry when their marriage got sour. They were letting the World know that they were plain-and-simple harried with each other.

Moving on to today�s topic�after two years of marriage with Rekha�I have realized that whatever a husband does, he can�t regain his independence and freedom of thought & speech. Last night all my mates went out for a drink�I like a fool called up Rekha to tell her�but ended up going home after she ordered me straight home.

If you are bachelor, you might think I am not man enough. But the beauty is�nobody is man enough. I am sure Osama Bin Laden (some say he is Laden with shit) is changing places every week not because US President George Bush will find him, but because his wife will reach him.

Take this example from my life�as a bachelor during my initial, happy days in Chennai, I used to frequent a small hotel in Triplicane. One evening, as I sat for my regular plate of egg-dosa to arrive�I saw the hotel owner serving at the next table. Very unbecoming of the man, I thought. I had known him for the last eight months and he always came in a sparking white Khadar shirt and dhoti and sit behind the counter. I looked up at the counter and saw a lady with a bit of Mehendi in her forearms. I smiled (the one that has floored many a girls), for the Hotel owner had also fallen victim to the practices corporate employ � show them pretty faces and sell them kitty feces.

I called him to my table and asked him: �And why would you be serving? Shouldn�t you be sitting at the counter?�

�Well, yesterday the management changed.�

I was confused. Management change? I didn�t know that such small hotels had a Board of Directors. I thought it better to confirm.

�Management changed? What do you mean?� I think I almost shouted, for through the corner of my eye I saw the lady at the counter turn towards me.

�Shhh�don�t shout�.she might hear us.�

I tried not looking at the lady in the counter and asked the man: �Who is she?�

�It is not like before. Things have changed. I got married yesterday, and now she is the boss.�

Without replying, I stared at the lady for a while. I think I must have stared at the lady for a whole five minutes for I heard the erstwhile hotel owner say: �By the way, that�s my wife.�

I still remember, I had seen traces of Rekha (we were in love back then) in the lady behind the counter. I had thought it was love � if you are in love, aren�t you supposed to see your lover in everybody? Shucks�.if only I had taken the hint!

More of these

Marriage - Fastest way of transferring funds
She knew her man-management
December 31, 2005 to January 1, 2006
Targetting Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad

Awesome line!

They laugh at me because I am different; I laugh at them because they are all the same.

Picked from Ravi Prakash's Blog

I love you�

Gone are the days when my �I love you� would evoke an echo from my wife. I say echo because she would give me that romantic look and say �I love you.� It is a totally unrelated thing that as an afterthought, she would add �too��meaning �I love you too�.

Now, that we have been married for two years (we celebrated our 2nd anniversary on 8th of September) things are changing. �I love you� no longer gets me romantic looks. They no longer get me similar meaning, if not similar sounding words.

I wouldn�t have put it up for the World to see, had it not been for what happened today morning. I was leaving for office, and as I have learnt from the Hindi movies � it is alright to kiss your wife when leaving for office � I held her close and kissed her good bye. Before we parted, I softly whispered into her ears: �I love you�.

�Will you be dropping the Hutch check today evening?�

For a moment, I thought maybe she hadn�t heard me say �I love you��but the sweet thing that I am, I took the blame by thinking that maybe it was my mistake and I hadn�t said it loudly enough. I whispered again: �I love you�.

�I know, but will you be dropping the Hutch check today evening?�

There was a time when my �I love you� would get really positive response. So positive that at times I would be forced to call up my boss and say I would be coming in late. Over the last two years, the quality of responses has been dwindling. Here is a list of responses that I got (I have given it date-wise so that the married among the readers could benefit)

Important: We married on 8th Sep 2004.

December 24, 2004:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: I love your cheeks!

July 30, 2005:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: I love your hair-style.

September 05, 2005:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: I love your voice over the phone.

December 11, 2005:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: I love it when you call me

February 01, 2005:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: I love your shirt.

March 20, 2005:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: When will you come home in the evening?

(Notice how the responses have changed from personal to situational)

May 14, 2005:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: Will you call up my parents today? You haven�t spoken to them in the last three months.

July 09, 2006:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: Will you call up my parents today? You haven�t spoken to them in the last five months.

September 22, 2006:
Jammy: I love you
Rekha: Will you be dropping the Hutch check today evening? If you don�t pay, I won�t be able to call you to tell what to buy in the evening when you come from office.

So much for love marriages�

Other Lovey-Dovey Posts

A tribute to all the women I love and all those who love me
I loved her and gave up my parents to get married to her
Acid on their love interest's face?
I will be able to express my love for the lady but...

Everybody's Bin Looking!

I didn�t write this one too. Promise.

Here is a bulletin circulated in our office yesterday.

Dear associate,

We recently received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in our office. Six of the seven have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Butt-Kissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found.

We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doin!

Thanks,
Bin Administrating

More on terrorists:
Airport security officials recently arrested a high school teacher when she attempted to board a passenger flight while carrying a Geometry box with slide rule, protractor, etc. Later the head of Security in airports called a press conference and said the teacher was a member of the 'Al-gebra' movement charged for carrying weapons of maths instruction. Via http://labnol.blogspot.com/

Further more articles on terrorists & terrorism

Isn�t Bush a bigger terrorist than I am?
My innocence, Terrorism & Osama
I once had a friend who turned into a terrorist overnight
She is a bomb; is she a terrorist?

One month overdue!

I promise, I didn�t write this.

Mr. Rajan comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck and says: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Rajan receives a telephone call from Chennai Electricity Board (CEB) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs. Rajan?"

"Yes...... speaking"

CEB guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... How?"

"Yes............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue."

"God!.... this is too much......"

"Madam, I am sorry...I am following orders...I have to inform you are overdue."

"I know that... let me talk to my husband about this tonight�he will speak to your company tomorrow."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to CEB office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at CEB, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"Pay you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

Where is the Submit (to sex) button?

There is so much humor in sex. Is it me or is it the World that�s failing to understand? I mean, why do we have to read news items like Church warden charged after sex with corpse? Totally uncalled for.

Here are a few quotes that take sex lightly and make fun of people who don�t get enough of it. Including me.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
R. D. Laing

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
Garry Shandling (1949 - )

Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
Bill Watterson (1958 - ), Calvin in "Calvin and Hobbes"

I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
Zsa Zsa Gabor (1919 - )
(this one is my favourite!)

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
George Burns (1896 - 1996)

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.
Jimmy Demaret

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963)

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal (1947 - )

Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Henry Kissinger (1923 - )

The 'rich' experience

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist.
G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936)

I don�t know if you earn enough to visit the high-brow places where a pianist plays on his organ even as you go ahead with your dinner. I don�t.

Perhaps that�s why my whole family depends on my company�s largesse to take us to such places for sales meets and team building exercises. I say my whole family because, last time they said �I could bring along my spouse� I took along my whole family.

From the corner of the room, I could see my Sales Head trying to stare me down. For a moment I wondered why, but the smart man that I am, it took me only ten minutes to realize I was the only guy at the meet with my mother, two sisters and wife (and the neighbour�s kid who had never seen a five star hotel and thus wanted to come along).

I tried to stare back at the Sales Head, but he sure was an expert in intimidation. Finally, I surrendered and asked a waiter to hand over an apologetic note which said: �Not my mistake, when you said �bring along your spouse� I heard it as �bring along your house�.�

My family failed to merge with the crowd, but not before putting up a valiant effort. Once I had tipped my family to the kind of conversations, these business types have�my mother and sisters were raring to go.

Armed with the knowledge that these guys talk of what appears on NDTV Profits, my mother walked up to my sales head and said: �Did you see what lady reporter hosting �Breakfast with Profit� was wearing? I would die twice before wearing anything similar in public.� My Sales Head�s response didn�t excite my mother, who came back with the impression that all IIM people have issues mingling with the non-IIM crowd.

My sisters tried striking a conversation with my colleagues but believe it or not, none of them could keep up a conversation with my sisters on how to make Rasam and Sambar. This was not something I had bargained for�I was under the impression that all married men were exploited in the kitchen.

Our neighbor�s son salvaged the situation for me. He walked up to my Sales Head and asked him if he was 'Shaktiman'. Everybody gathered around laughed. When my Sales head also started laughing�the laughter among others increased...after all when your boss laughs...you laugh.

Seizing the right opportunity, Rekha, my mother, my two sisters and I sneaked out of the five star hotel�.even as the piano man played in the background. Once we reached home, we sent my neighbor to the party because in our hurry, we had forgotten to bring his son along.

OTHER PARTY READS
I had to wear a party shirt for a play
My favorite uncle attends a bachelor�s party
Lessons from traveling�
Police search party found me sleeping between the two gas cylinders
It was a wild party until Rekha and I tamed it

When it rains�

Last night, it rained. This phenomenon doesn�t happen often in Chennai but when it does, it rains cats and dogs. In fact, today morning I spent half an hour removing cats and dogs from the clothes we had left outside for drying. During the exercise I also observed that wet clothes are a lot heavier. Perhaps that�s why rescuers find it difficult to lift people who drown in water and get their clothes wet.

Around 12 midnight, the sky had started thundering.

I once had an old, naughty grandpa who believed that the thundering sky was when God of Gods had a bad stomach. Immediately, we would ask him, �If that was what thunder was, what was lightening?�

He never gave us a satisfactory answer to this question, but I do remember him once winking at me and telling my younger sister: �That�s the whiteness of his potty you see when he opens his washroom door.�

As the thunder grew louder I could scarcely hear my neighbor snoring. I mean, I could still feel the apartment walls shivering�just that his snoring was inaudible. In the initial days of our marriage I wondered if it was my neighbor snoring or it was my wife. I didn�t have to wait long, for during one of my �I-am-a-crusader-of-truth� moments, I closed my wife�s mouth and nose for five minutes�and I could still hear the snoring. Finally, I had identified the culprit � it was my neighbor.

Getting back to the rain�after half an hour of rain�I decided to open the balcony and take a look. As soon as I opened the door, lightening stuck and there was brightness all over. At the spot where it stuck, it was all muddy (Thumbs Up advertisements were right!). I could see the muddy water because when lightening strikes it is like day light. Now, you know why lightening doesn�t strike at the same place twice � because there is no charge left after the first strike.

As I stood in the balcony enjoying the rain, my wife shouted at me and asked me to get some sleep. This is one of the disadvantages of staying in a small house�you are always within your wife�s reach. Sulking I got into the bed. Before marriage I enjoyed sleeping in a bed, but sharing it with somebody doesn�t appeal to me.

As I got into the bedsheets � yes, we have bedsheets at home, two of them � there was a loud thunder. Rekha immediately came closer and hugged me tight. I smiled, looked upwards (at the God with a bad stomach) and asked: �God, why doesn�t it rain often in Chennai?�

Other Wet Reads

Rain in Chennai and its after effects�
Whether weather will be good...
Thanks to the rain�I bath once a week
Strawberry flavored rain in Chennai?