Cash is for the contemporary - period.

It”s got everything that metro guys would drool over - cars, gadgets, bikes, skateboards, muscle. The fact that the women aren”t exactly overclothed — and they pack a punch because these are chicks that kick, and kick hard — you”d think there”s incentive to sit through this after all.

Tell you what — in the process of making this super-sleek and extra-trendy, they kinda over-peppered this with stunts that evoke a half-wow, without really focusing on the execution. Not that the idea is very original — we”ve seen enough heist movies to last a lifetime — but Cash actually had potential, because it”s got a half-decent cast.

For some strange reason, the flick regularly switches to animation, whether it”s introducing the main characters or some oh-so-deadly stunts. Yeah, probably that”s it — perhaps the stunts were too tough to be filmed, so the folks pushed in an animation or two. Either ways, it”s a tad irritating when overdone, and let”s not even get into the fact that Riteish Deskmukh”s animated counterpart is blonde. Go figure.

That isn”t it — there are a number of chunks of idiocy. Forget the fact that the names of the characters include “Doctor” and “Uncle”, how the hell are we expected to believe a near Z-level security not firing at a thief, but instead, running behind him (and occasionally, beside him) like Tom would after Jerry? Silly, really, and the only difference was that T&J entertained. Cash, pitifully, doesn”t.

Did I mention errors? There really are loopholes — for instance, what does the protagonist do when his girlfriend”s car is rigged to blow, and she”s about to leave home? Anyone sane would think that he”d buzz her and ask her to stay put — but heck, no, dude in question decides to race past downtown traffic and park his butt right next to the aforementioned mobile-bomb before screaming a huge “No!”.

Er, hello?

But this is a review, not a documented version of Cash”s flaws. Although it beats me — why in the world would such a fast movie had to be forced through scenes that just drag? One moment, there are a couple of Z-series BMWs drifting, screeching and screaming past like a bullet, the next moment, Dia Mirza sobs in the parking lot — she sniffs and goes, “I trusted you”, while I stifle a yawn and the audience goes berserk with laughter. The movie, of course, comes to a full-stop. It”s like a Merc went past you at over 100 and just braked ahead of you on a freeway.

And trust me, when you cry on-screen and when the audience laughs at that, something must be wrong somewhere, Miss Asia Pacific.

Stupidly, I had expectations from the second half, only to be shattered miserably. There”s no real method to the madness, it gets predictable, the “suspense” factor is pretty much missing, and the dialogue is overmouthed with a rather lame attempt at evoking laughter. Even Riteish Deshmukh”s kabadi act is done to death, and that really sums up the flick - overdone.

Personally, I think Cash tried to get alarmingly close to an insatiable combination of some of Hollywood”s top heist flicks. It”s a smart movie — there”s an attempt at wit (an attempt, I repeat), the plot makes sense, the cops are armed with snipers, the cars are contemporary, the stunts are awesome, and even the traffic signals get hacked — not that we should be drawing comparisons to The Italian Job. The performances, unfortunately, aren”t worthy of mention. The cars did more, seriously.

Like I said, if you”re the kind of guy who drools over BMWs and a generous skin-show of the lead women (and that is more than worthy a mention) then you might just like this flick. Apart from the hot bods — in particular, the well-toned pair of legs that holds Shamita Shetty”s sexier frame, a pair for which I awarded an extra star — there really wasn”t much in this movie that I”d smile about.

Barring the music, of course. I usually twitch when I hear a Hinglish soundtrack, but then again, I”m a Vishal Shekhar loyalist — sue me — and the title track is catch. It gets your feet tapping, if not moving, no question.

Interestingly, this flick is actually a narrative in-person to an airline passenger that has a cute face and a sexy body that contradicts it. “Bubbly” is what she is, and her surname sounds like a pillow. Pity she isn”t even mentioned in the credits, and that”s a crime in itself.

So what do you do? Go watch “Gandhi, my father” of course. Because Cash isn”t worth it.

*****

For anyone like me, who grew up in the 90″s of Bollywood, watching Govinda in a David Dhawan flick was the perfect cure to stress from an overdose of homework. And then, he went missing only to return with a Priyadarshan creation recently — Bhaagam Bhaag — and hardly feature in it. So it came as no surprise when Partner was out that yours truly wasn”t exactly queuing up to watch it.

Then again, mine is a family with a cousin who survives a heart-attack every time Salman Khan appears on the big-screen — the kinds who grabs anything in sight and clutched at it with intense excitement when he breaks into a smile — and there was no escaping her wrath. We went for it anyway, first day last show, and hey — I wasn”t entirely disappointed — all thanks to Govinda, who is by far the best thing about this popcorn flick.

The plot-opens with “Love Guru”, a guy who grew up as the only brother amongst many sisters, hence the ability — and this ought to be a supernatural ability — to understand women. He helps love-sick patients with advice, he gets people together, has his own talk-show, the works. Simply put, Prem (why do I even bother mentioning this, but hey — played by Salman Khan) is a celebrity Raj Aryan crossed over with Cupid in flesh and bone.

Enter Bhaskar (Govinda), the latest chap to seek his help. Or, as Prem teases with profanity — Bloody Bhaskar. Because the latter is silly, is absurdly “simple”. The financial advisor who”s fallen for his boss — Priya (a gorgeous — I repeat — gorgeous Katrina Kaif). While Bhaskar makes just 30-grand a month, Priya gets chauffeured to work in a limo, gets escorted by one black and one white guy, wearing an outfit that might just eat out half of her financial advisor”s pay-check. And it doesn”t help that Priya has a bod-to-die-for, while Bhaskar”s paunch is something that any average treadmill beckons.

And that is Love Guru”s big challenge. While he isn”t exactly impressed with the clumsy Bhaskar who nearly gets him killed by a rocket-launcher (a crap scene where the special effects were anything but special), Prem attempts his mammoth task by training Bhaskar, arming him with all the tricks of the trade — even a stylish dance. Of course, Bhaskar reverts to his unique ways, and in those comedy of errors, there are enough laughs here to give the popcorn a rest and enjoy some quality slapstick comedy, coming from David Dhawan, that we can rely on.

When Prem isn”t helping Bhaskar out, he romances Naina (Lara Dutta) — a single mother and a journalist with a tabloid who gets into trouble with Chota Don (Rajpal Yadav), only to be saved by the hunk. Prem”s challenges just increased, because to win Naina, he has to strike it well with the son, Rohan (a disarmingly confident Master Haji Ali).

From the synopsis, it may seem that Love Guru is the heart of the film, binding everyone together, and Sallu does a neat job with good timing and excellent ex-pressions. He shifts gear effortlessly, switching from the sensible mentor with common-sense to the ridiculous, silly Prem that woos Naina. But the shirtless wonder can't help the self-praise which he deserves more often than not anyway, although his one-liners are far from convincing, especially the “only thing I can”t stand is a one night stand”. Yeah, right.

Lara Dutta is a treat to watch — this is one extremely beautiful woman who can deliver in such short roles — and with the bandana-denim setup, she fits in the tabloid reporter”s shoes quite easily. Katrina is hot — she”s classy, she”s elegant, and while her outfits aren”t exactly post-it notes, they only highlight her killer body. Perfection when it comes to looks. Pity we can”t say the same for her acting skills, which are quite non-existent, although Partner can be held responsible because all she needs to do is look good, flash her eyes, and find Bhaskar”s histrionics “cute”, which she does satisfactorily.

But there are some excellent performances too. Yes, Rajpal Yadav comes to mind — his Chota Don is absolutely stupid yet riotous — side-splitting at times, as he amazingly correlates cricket with goondagiri. Master Haji Ali only gets better after his warm performance in Fanaa — this kid as great potential because he”s expressive, he”s astonishingly confident, and there are scenes even with Sallu when you can”t take your eyes off him.

And yes, this is Govinda”s comeback — if any — for me. He does it all — dance like crazy, a gay-act evoking laughter at will, and his one-liners hit you hard — they tear your stomach apart with — and his stupid simplicity is sprinkled with so much honesty that you can”t help hoping for his victory, although — by then — you ought to have left your brains at home. And with Sajid Wajid”s foot-tapping yet forgettable soundtrack, Govinda gets to showcase his delightful fun-evoking dancing skills that we missed so much.

But every movie is somehow always flawed, as is Partner. For one, there are scenes that neither bind you to your seat, nor have any role to play in the flick. Fillers, and they threaten to drag the movie in bits towards the second half. And David Dhawan”s reputation as a master-director of comedy took a serious hit when he brought an end to Rajpal Yadav”s Chota Don — and that too, so abruptly. But not as much of a hit as the “over-inspiration”. Yes, Dhawan admits to having been inspired by Hitch (which is fine, incidentally, everyone loves inspiration) but pray tell me, what kind of brainwave triggers you, Mr. Dhawan, to have been aroused by Hitch so much that you end up ripping scenes off the original?

And that makes it impossible not to draw comparisons, which by the way are quite a few. While Will Smith and Sallu might have a few biceps in common, Hitch packed memorable cinema in less than two hours. Partner, on the other hand, is the hit-and-run flick that tickles your funny bone (at times to the extent that it cracks). Yes, we were funnier, but we could have just stayed away from lifting a few scenes off the original, couldn”t we?

Yet, with all its flaws, the ridiculous stupidity, the whacky absurditity and the total chaos — Partner does something that few movies have done in 2007 — entertain. And that”s the carrot to devour this flick. Brains at home, please, and take a Partner along, because yes — you”ll enjoy this one.

*****

The posters of Naqaab say it’s ‘the most shocking thriller of the year’.

And yes, like most Abbas-Mustan flicks, this one’s filled to the brim with twists, counter-twists, mini-twists, twistlets — until they finally let go with the final scene, which is — you guessed right — another twist.

So it threatens, at times, to be shocking — like in dreadful — but smart editing and the short numbers save this 119-minute flick even if it shows signs of dragging towards the end, which is disappointing really, considering that the promos were so inviting.

Through the movie, there’s the presence of a Handycam — as if everything’s been shot. Sophia (a fresh Urvashi Sharma) is the kind of filmi character that only Bollywood could churn, yes — the kind who works at Burger King by day, spends her evenings in glamorous outfits at beach resorts, and lives in a posh villa with even branded nightgowns at night. But never mind the artificiality, she’s hooked up with millionaire live-in partner, boyfriend Karan (Bobby Deol), and after months of this relationship, he asks her to engage in holy matrimony. Just that this millionaire chap missed the diamond ring, and managed with a vegetable one instead, a spare piece that was destined to be fried in an omelet.

– we roll our eyes at the cheesiness. Apparently, Sophia missed it — and gets wowed, before gushing her approval.

So what does a just-figured-out-I’m-engaged girl in Dubai do? Apparently, she takes a few friends out for a treat at a resort, and the ‘Egyptian custom’ (rather, an Egyptian custom in Dubai, announced by a guitarist that speaks Hindi and plays Spanish) is that the girl must have one last dance with a man of her choice. She makes her pick — the man in question being obsessed with her already as he’s filming her through the Handycam — a struggling actor named Vicky (Akshaye Khanna) — and they hit the stage.

Just that, through the dance, she falls for him (and vice-versa — obviously) and they nearly kiss before a glass is dropped to the floor and shatters everything — the silence, her ‘fantasy’ and the glass itself. She runs, he follows. Yes, right up to the Burger store, to the dump behind, where he asks her out for a date.

And suddenly, oh-so-suddenly, Sophia starts to think. Karan? Or Vicky? She manages a few dates with the latter, whom she loves, in spite of her commitment. But then again, does Vicky really love her? Or is he faking it all for a contract he signed with Rohit? Er — Rohit who? And does Sophia break up with Karan? Or does she walk into the St. Francis of Assisi Church for her marriage with Karan, the one to whom she’s committed?

The answers to those questions is what makes us stay back through the second-half. Well, yes, it’s thrilling. The good thing about this flick is that there are enough twists to sustain the ride. On the flipside, there are just too many of them. It’s like a meal that could’ve been delicious if they didn’t overdo the salt.

And the characters have the screen-time, but not the substance. Bobby Deol does his bit well — doesn’t exactly make you go wow — but goes about the role without much fuss. Akshaye Khanna’s class starts and ends with his ex-pressions, but when it comes to scenes that demand intense emotion, or surging vengeance, he loses it. Urvashi is a refreshing watch — not exactly drop-dead gorgeous — but a half-plastic face, a touch of elegance and thirty-seconds in a pink bikini make her worthy of watch. Oh — the real winners are the technicalities, this is a sleek, polished piece of work with smart camerawork, unusual angles and a good choice of locales. The music is uninspiring, and Abbas-Mustan movies are really known for their good choice in music, so that comes as a ’shock’ alright.

All in all, it’s a slight disappointment unless you walk in expecting little. I mean, Tips tagged it the movie of the year, the teasers were awesome, and that a rather subdued Bobby Deol went on record to say that it will shock everyone.

Shock shmock. This ain’t ground-breaking. But yes, it’s worth a watch, considering that in the last weeks we’ve been subjected to the likes of two-and-a-half Awful As — A.K.S and Apne with Aawarapan making the half. To its credit, Abbas-Mustan’s flick is way, way better than those.

Just that, sigh, it’s far from real. Last I checked — a year back — Burger King waitresses were just not that pretty, nor did they wear such immense make-up. And they certainly didn’t live in Madinat Jumeirah. And they certainly didn’t dine out at the Palm Resorts. And even if they did all that, they certainly couldn’t afford the rent in a duplex-villa anywhere in the country with that job.

But was it supposed to be real anyway? Maybe not. And tell you what — perhaps it wasn’t meant to be original either. This video below from ‘Dot the I’ seems to have ‘inspired’ the ‘director-duo’ to the verge of plagiarism. And the Dubai locales? They’re a perfect platform for Pritam to rip a few hit Arabic tracks too.



Just a quick checklist. Synopsis? Check. Slap in the pub? Check. Handycams? Yes. Choose a man for one last kiss? Nearly, check. The I’m-getting-married scene? Check. Check. Check. Ch …

… what did the custodians of Bollywood tell us about piracy and theft again? Yeah — rrright.

Just a few words of caution if you’re watching this ‘replicaab’ — well, atleast it was damn loyal to the original — grab some popcorn or a hottie for company — otherwise you’ll find yourself quite disappointed.

Or maybe just rent a copy of ‘Dot the I’, like I will.

*****