Alright folks this blog is a response to my friend Prototype X’s post “The Unadulterated MAN” where he has very easily typified all men in the world into 5 categories based on their Mind:Nut ratio. He claimed his post would help me understand men better and aid me in my manhunt, and as a mark of pure gratitude I present to him and every man on iland - The Woman, on a platter! Only difference being that, we women, the as-uncomplicated-as-jalebi beings that we are, my job wouldn’t be as easy as his. In fact I might not be able to comprehensively categorise all women too, not even if I exhaust my iland quota of blogspace (How many posts do they allow us by the way?)
To categorise women, you actually need to take into account millions of parameters and plot them over a 3-D graph against age, time and distance-from-you. I’ll begin with the most common types you would come across in present times.
1) The Classy: She is more often a stunner, usually in looks and always in attitude. She has the perfect dress sense, the perfect walk, knows the perfect things to say, the perfect moment to say them, the perfect angle to face you, good enough to set your heart galloping. And yet, you will find yourself too intimidated to speak anything intelligent in her presence. You would think twice before blurting out anything and in your self-conscious effort of speaking flawless english, you might find yourself quoting awkwardly placed words last used only by shakespeare, while lighting her cigarrette. There is a steely coldness to her poise that attracts and repels at the same time. For most men, she is a mirage, very hard to get, at least that’s what you think. Get real guys! Underneath all that ice, she is a woman, hormones and all. Take her to a few five star restaurants in the begining, treat her to some good french wine and some nice conti food (please rehearse the names of french and italian dishes beforehand, else bribe the waiter so that he understandingly nods when you order for ‘la-sag-ne’, and dissapears before anybody suspects anything). Hold the car door for her, stand up when she approaches you, and remember, never let her pay the bill! In other words, display all the chivalry you can and she is yours. Yes, she is an expensive investment, but if you plan to marry her, she might prove to be a good payback too..especially if you claim bankruptcy immediately after your marriage!
2) The wannabe: She usually spends a lot of effort in dressing up, is often prone to fake-designer-cloth syndrome, frequents pubs and most social do’s where she seems to know everyone although only a few seem to know her back, she is more likely to flutter her eyes, hug and air-kiss you when introduced for the first time and then chances are, would stick to you till the party is over so that you drop her home and also invite her for other social dos that you know of. You could win her, well very easily, just let her stick to you like a leech. But beware, she might not go to bed with you, although she might, just might tolerate some light nonsense for some free passes to a music concert.
3) The Sweety Tweety: She is sweetness personified. She loves her family and she loves all her friends and she loves her dog and she loves you and everyone else in the world. She would do anything for you without as much as raising a brow. (Yes it is indeed an opportunity for whatever you are thinking, and in all probability she will innocently ask you ‘what are you doing?’ so be prepared for a sweet-sounding answer) She is likely to blindly follow your fashion advice and dress exactly the way you want her to, so if you love pets and muppets, she’s your girl! Of course it is another matter that, when you are done with an overdose of the sweetness, something will strike you hard! ‘When does she think?’
4) The Gothic Chick: She usually wears black nailpolish, blood red lipstick and loads of smokey eye makeup, hardly smiles. You’ll usually catch her in a dark dingy corner in her room scribbling psychedelic verses on torn yellowed pages, or in a pub or a concert, either sitting still like a corpse or swaying away hysterically. Is she easy to get? Well, quite, if you can make her a good joint. But I cannot guarantee you’ll be alive the next morning. And if you’re not, she’s most likely to kiss your dead lips and lick your dead ears and hiss into them ‘I love you, I kill you, I’m sorry’.
5) The Tomboy: You’ll always find her in jeans and tees and zilch make up. Most of her friends are men, coz women have outcast her since she is a bum in bitching. Her male friends need to put constant reminders on their gadgets to remind them she is a girl. They often end up cracking their men’s jokes in front of her and to their surprise, she laughs at them too, instead of grosing out like usual girls would do. But beneath her boyish temperament, she is a girl. She is more likely to hide her crushes and disguise her feminine traits under a rough touch-me-and-you-get-hit exterior. If you like her, tell her so. She wouldn’t play hard to get. And if you are confident enough, you might not even need a helmet while you ask her out! Remember, the key is to make her feel like a woman! In a bout of bad luck though, you could end up with a closet lesbian.
……(to be continued, if laziness and lack of work permits)