The Woman
Alright folks this blog is a response to my friend Prototype X’s post “The Unadulterated MAN” where he has very easily typified all men in the world into 5 categories based on their Mind:Nut ratio. He claimed his post would help me understand men better and aid me in my manhunt, and as a mark of pure gratitude I present to him and every man on iland - The Woman, on a platter! Only difference being that, we women, the as-uncomplicated-as-jalebi beings that we are, my job wouldn’t be as easy as his. In fact I might not be able to comprehensively categorise all women too, not even if I exhaust my iland quota of blogspace (How many posts do they allow us by the way?)
To categorise women, you actually need to take into account millions of parameters and plot them over a 3-D graph against age, time and distance-from-you. I’ll begin with the most common types you would come across in present times.
1) The Classy: She is more often a stunner, usually in looks and always in attitude. She has the perfect dress sense, the perfect walk, knows the perfect things to say, the perfect moment to say them, the perfect angle to face you, good enough to set your heart galloping. And yet, you will find yourself too intimidated to speak anything intelligent in her presence. You would think twice before blurting out anything and in your self-conscious effort of speaking flawless english, you might find yourself quoting awkwardly placed words last used only by shakespeare, while lighting her cigarrette. There is a steely coldness to her poise that attracts and repels at the same time. For most men, she is a mirage, very hard to get, at least that’s what you think. Get real guys! Underneath all that ice, she is a woman, hormones and all. Take her to a few five star restaurants in the begining, treat her to some good french wine and some nice conti food (please rehearse the names of french and italian dishes beforehand, else bribe the waiter so that he understandingly nods when you order for ‘la-sag-ne’, and dissapears before anybody suspects anything). Hold the car door for her, stand up when she approaches you, and remember, never let her pay the bill! In other words, display all the chivalry you can and she is yours. Yes, she is an expensive investment, but if you plan to marry her, she might prove to be a good payback too..especially if you claim bankruptcy immediately after your marriage!
2) The wannabe: She usually spends a lot of effort in dressing up, is often prone to fake-designer-cloth syndrome, frequents pubs and most social do’s where she seems to know everyone although only a few seem to know her back, she is more likely to flutter her eyes, hug and air-kiss you when introduced for the first time and then chances are, would stick to you till the party is over so that you drop her home and also invite her for other social dos that you know of. You could win her, well very easily, just let her stick to you like a leech. But beware, she might not go to bed with you, although she might, just might tolerate some light nonsense for some free passes to a music concert.
3) The Sweety Tweety: She is sweetness personified. She loves her family and she loves all her friends and she loves her dog and she loves you and everyone else in the world. She would do anything for you without as much as raising a brow. (Yes it is indeed an opportunity for whatever you are thinking, and in all probability she will innocently ask you ‘what are you doing?’ so be prepared for a sweet-sounding answer) She is likely to blindly follow your fashion advice and dress exactly the way you want her to, so if you love pets and muppets, she’s your girl! Of course it is another matter that, when you are done with an overdose of the sweetness, something will strike you hard! ‘When does she think?’
4) The Gothic Chick: She usually wears black nailpolish, blood red lipstick and loads of smokey eye makeup, hardly smiles. You’ll usually catch her in a dark dingy corner in her room scribbling psychedelic verses on torn yellowed pages, or in a pub or a concert, either sitting still like a corpse or swaying away hysterically. Is she easy to get? Well, quite, if you can make her a good joint. But I cannot guarantee you’ll be alive the next morning. And if you’re not, she’s most likely to kiss your dead lips and lick your dead ears and hiss into them ‘I love you, I kill you, I’m sorry’.
5) The Tomboy: You’ll always find her in jeans and tees and zilch make up. Most of her friends are men, coz women have outcast her since she is a bum in bitching. Her male friends need to put constant reminders on their gadgets to remind them she is a girl. They often end up cracking their men’s jokes in front of her and to their surprise, she laughs at them too, instead of grosing out like usual girls would do. But beneath her boyish temperament, she is a girl. She is more likely to hide her crushes and disguise her feminine traits under a rough touch-me-and-you-get-hit exterior. If you like her, tell her so. She wouldn’t play hard to get. And if you are confident enough, you might not even need a helmet while you ask her out! Remember, the key is to make her feel like a woman! In a bout of bad luck though, you could end up with a closet lesbian.
……(to be continued, if laziness and lack of work permits)
so wich 1 are u??
this blog itself shows how complicated woman are…..
waiting for the remaining part… get on with the wonderful.. Your writing skills are as awesome as ever. I really admire the way you write. God…reading your works are a pleasure…
Lovely subject that you chose to write this time…
keep up the good work.
well what i can say to this one…i can eaily think of smita, salma, preeti…there you go you haven”t touched upon these 3 kinds
Another interesting read, left me smiling a long one!…..but still so much left…am waiting..:))
Sweety Tweety is a mythical creature…doesn”t exist..
Women are so complicated..??brrrrrrrr I certainly need to hide this from my woman….lol!
Have never seen a ”woman” being dissected in ”types” like this, Jane Austin am sure will be proud of this! Certainly one of the best posts or probably the best post I have read…..made a delightful read pal….well done and all the best(yet to read prots, will surely do that now)
Keep Writing
i came to ur post 1st before Prototype X, but i had to read him ahead of you as the link invites it. ur one cool chick to distract “the man” in ur manhunt series. with this post, i think the hunt is gonna take longer ;p getting back to Proto and Antz.. i think their posts are quite good for a nice layout in a magazine :)))
Most women are a combo yes,,of these types and more…hehe no wonder poor men have no clue how to handle most women!
Btw these were the more simpler versions, have left the more complicated ones for later! muhahaha! *devilish laughter*
we women, the as-uncomplicated-as-jalebi..my frnd calls me Jaleb ,well but i think a combo pack of The Classy,The wannabe and The Sweety Tweety….neways …
sigh! THERE ARE MORE????
Nice writeup about women…….keep posting
Though my lines are crappy - I am still so happy - cause I love em all
The classy one makes my heart go racy
The wannabe always a baby
Sweety Tweety always a cutey
The Gothic Chic makes me Tic
The tomboy a bundle of joy
Who can it be- who can it be for me
Guess I”ll just take em all
Cause in the end
Every woman is as lovely as can be
Swooooooooooooooooooooon
Glitterize Your Images
What a write up. keep it up
Good for others, but not up to the mark at your standard. Better desert this topic and continue with your manhunt series. Off course,if laziness and lack of work permits!
lol…but i agree wid MS, she can be a combination of all that….and acc to me, the sweety tweety types doesnt obey all d orders (if u kno wt i mean)…
well, being the first (old) male to comment, I gotta say- haven”t yet thought of this- why? there are hilarious adjectives- “as-uncomplicated-as-jalebi beings” etc- I am quite sure I would quote them, “laziness and lack of work permitting”- this is going to cause a pain in my hypochondrium- in Bengali, it is called a “bhundikompo”! hope the sequel shall bring in ragnarok too!
grt analysis ya . njoyd it a lot
Super…. I also think that contrary to how men are …a woman can be a combination of all of these plus more at different times…waiting for next part..
ha ha ha. what about the ditsy bimbo types … :- just kidding. nice post.
thats a nice introductory chapter to womankind. wonder which 1 i would choose! do continue…
Wow! Thats quite a classification. One of the coolest blog I read of late;)) Wondering where I belong!! Waiting for the next one in the series….. Thx to proto for being the reason being this post:)
sigh … looks like all i can afford are goth chicks … the way my wallets going .. and that sounds like a death wish … so where are the normal chicks ant …??? … the “its cool ure broke …lets have sex ” kinds :-)))
shit….damn it….why didn”t i open the door back then!! And wat about French wine…..I thought wo canteen wali chai or max Pepsi is good enough to lure her. Tum mujey pehley kyon nahi mili - encyclopedia! :)))
by the way which category this ant fall into!? not the blood sucking oooops sorry….i mean serial kisser ……ohh ho…..dead lips kisser…..one i would imagine :(((
“And if you”re not, she’’s most likely to kiss your dead lips and lick your dead ears and hiss into them ”I love you, I kill you, I”m sorry”. ” LOL..Wow, ant girl..this is some write up. Simbly awesome!!