How would a guy love to be proposed or love to propose? My best plan for proposal was on the hills walking down on a slope with some drizzle and let the magical moments take over you. But I never expected a proposal to come out of blue over a frank talking half an hour call. But life has its own weirdest ways of saying u ain’t control anything but play a role in the bigger thing. One fine sunday morning I had an offline that I will expect a call by wednesday evening. That was on a weekend. Saturday or Sunday i don’t exactly remember. My replies fetched no replies. I had to wait for that call which would later become a bombshell. It was fine on wednesday morning i usually went to college, came back home went out came back and I was lucky enough cos mom and dad were out and my grandparents don’t really intrude on phone calls. The day was lucky for me and the heart was beating as if it was connected on a mic er….. At around 7 30 the phone banged thrice. The three rings and a cut indicated that I should pick up the phone an dcall. I did callllllll. First, we talked about our selves. Our week, daily chores and all and finally Sandy laid the bombshell….She said she is gonna meet one guy from US whom ehr parents have chosen in a hotel and her dad will go with her. It is very much an official thing and so she won’t be online till friday. My heart was broken, i sat still for sometime, i recuperated and wished her all the best……..but she wasn’t completed yet…..I wanted to divert the thoughts wanted to smoke immediately watned to run, wanted to jump wanted to bang myself but i hung on to the phone call. Finally I wished her goodluck. All the best and was about to hang the phone when she blurted out the secret truth we knew for sometime. Her words went on like this those words that I will never ever forget through out my life. Those words were this: “You know something I want to get married to you?!” Those words left me in silence, the phone was down in seconds and I was down in minutes. I had a wry smile on my face but the truth was very scary. I could not think beyond for the next two days……But now I wish i never ever really had heard those worsd………..The words sounded the death knell of my mind’s destruction………….They were the beginning. The beginning of a year long helllllllll….

The Beginning……..

I don’t know how to really move into the things that happend in my life for various reasons but one thing that I couldn’t get to do worse is I can’t write about my own incidents.

Things were going well from that day onwards. Our sessions on one to one started from a hi hello to many things. We would talk or chat generally to personally to discussions to chide to smile to laugh to shout to frown at each other. But its our fights that brought us closer. May be in the hindsight both of us were yearning for the attention the other would bring to us. Things were running like a well oiled engine right now.

My mind become captivated with her and I can’t imagine my life without chatting with her. These were days when I was working in my dad’s office after my graduation and I had lot of leisure time to really enthall her with my words. After all these were days when all I had was words and only words to enthrall or excite or let a person admire me. I beleive i did that well too well.

For many a months we were chatting consciously knowing well we are gettin captivated and consciously not letting the reality to be accepted. I won’t say we graduated from say a good chat friend to phone chat. Even before we talked over phone the missings become common and we had known well about our castes, parents, siblings (she was a single child) and relatives and so on…..

It was one fine sunday morning around 8 AM when i first heard her voice. I don’t know if I should call it sweet or coarse or nice or beautiful may be its gonna top up with many a voices i have loved to hear calling me over phone but obviously its not the best voice. My first words were like this So u r Sannnndddhyyaaaaaaaaaaa…..nice name hers is. But a voice is a voice and its much more better than a word that u read over the monitor. We spoke for not less than two hours and I was so captivated that I gave a call in the afternoon to just keep hearing her voice. What started as a sunday morning call went on to become I got a call………..

It was these calls that let me feel like I am flying in the air, floating or swimming deep inside pacific ocean. Recalling those moments of despair I personally knew i was beginning to fall in love. The calls were becoming more frequent and i forced my dad to get me a mobile.

The seeds of my self destruction were laid during these calls. Today sitting back and recalling all these incidents I feel like am a kid trampled by something. But each second was joy for me. Even the thought of the phone calls and chat rooms and yahoo sessions were joy for me.

It was like I was running behind something that make no sense to me today. I would many a times laugh in front of the monitor which for my parents, brother and friends looked and felt like madness. I would sulk with my mobile in the bed or go sit in the room that made the junk yard in my office. Well it was all a beginning of madnes. A real big long listless madness.

Yes It was really a MADNESS……….THE BEGINNING OF A LONG LISTLESS MADNESS………M A D N E S S………

The first moments of Destruction………

That was just a beginning…….yes the beginning. Time passed by silently and being a compulsive chatter I moved on and I had better things to do atleast in chat rooms and I slowly was moving away from her. What shall I call her? Each man has a name and I can’t keep referring her to as She forever. Well I will call her Sandhya.

Time rolled on and rolled on for sometime and one fine evening again I was busy chatting with Sandhya. This time I had the fear of being ignored again but slowly we picked up a nice conversation and it went on for hours.

For any person to fall in love with chat is an easy thing. Many do that. I have seen people fall in love over chat with ease. Many a times I have wondered if those things would happen to me too but when it happened it was not something that was rosy all way………..

The first thoughts of her were sowed into my mind that day. Like any new friend over chat I was looking forward to chat with her again. Within a week Sandhya dominated my mind, my heart, my feelings, my thoughs or in short MYSELF………..

The first moments of self destruction……..

This is not my first blog but a series of blog on rediff blogs were lost. Its not like the blogs are not there but my memory failed to remember the password for those blogs and ok its just the way things stopped there. Well there was nothing to write home about those couple of blogs though I do believe i still see them but static.

I used to think each time when i sit over net that I am gonna contribute something er…..for my self satisfaction. There are many things that i wish i tell someone. Many things that I wish i have to share but as each second take me closer to the finish line i have lost on one second to write home about things.

This is valentine time and I am gonna write about my love life. Its not something which is like I met this girl i fell in love and blah blah blah type. Each moment of life in a distinguished way teaches something. Some we note and some we forget to note. This is how it all begun.

On one fine day on a September 2000 morning like each day I was busily immortalizing me in rediff.com chat rooms. To set the record straight I have been chatting in rediff since 1999 February. The day was i believe a weekend and bored of chatting in Chennai room i plunge myself into the crowded Bangalore room. A nick cornered me and we were picking up a conversation where the person said she is expecting her Engineering results and I was wishing her ALL THE BEST…..duh that was it I GOT IGNORED.

Well at that point of time if someone had told me in a year I would be head over heels in love with this girl I would have laughed at him or even hit him with full fervour but then many times Reality is stranger to that of fiction. Watch out for what future unfolded to me. THAT WAS JUST A BEGINNING……………