Have you made plans for Valentine's Day? Well, don't, because the Ram Sena and its band of men, dedicated to the tough task of saving our culture, will be 'on the prowl' in Karnataka, looking out for dating couples.

And in non-Karnataka states, the arduous task of preserving our culture is being performed by the Shiv Sena, the Bajrang Dal and many such well-meaning organisations, who are valiantly battling the scourge of the 'Western culture'.

Last heard, the Shiv Sena was furious at the Ram Sena for attempting to steal their anti-Valentine's Day thunder. The Ram Sena has not only stolen one of Shiv Sena's trademark issues, it has embellished and garnished it and taken the anti-Valentine's Day rhetoric to a superlative level.

The Ram Sena activists will 'look out' for couples during V-Day. They have solemnly promised to 'marry off any couples found dating in public'.

What they mean by dating has been left unclear.

So, if you are unfortunate enough to be in Karnataka on V-Day, kiss your romantic plans goodbye right now.  Make alternate plans. Go shopping, go for a movie or go for a walk — ALONE.

And if you are doing any of the aforementioned activities, be careful and don't talk to anybody from the opposite sex for more than 10 seconds. So if a stranger (from the opposite sex, obviously) asks for directions, ignore him/her.

To all the women out there, since you are the chosen ones for the Ram Sena's thrashings-cum-cultural-activities, be careful and don't have any conversations with shopkeepers, autowallahs, ushers or just about any man. The mighty activists of Ram Sena might decide that you are 'dating' that hapless fellow.

And please spare a thought about your attire on Valentine's Day, since Muthalik and his men, the esteemed custodians of our culture, have also decided to 'keep a check on women's attire'.

To be safe rather than sorry, wear a saree. Mr Muthalik seems to approve of that, since he has promised to send 1000 sarees to the 'Consortium of Pub Going Loose and Forward Women.’

Ram's soldiers haven't yet issued a diktat on what men should wear/not wear. But then, don't we all know that it is the womenfolk of Indian society who need to be regulated, monitored, and kept under control?

May be all of us should make a list of ALL the things that are against Indian culture — as proposed by the many self-appointed moral guardians — who are falling over each to prevent our culture from 'going to the dogs'.

Frequenting pubs is against Indian culture. Drinking is against Indian culture. Sex, no, pre-marital sex is against Indian culture.

Remember South Indian actress Khushboo saying that — horror of horrors — having pre-marital sex is okay? The moral brigade had come down on her like a ton of bricks, forcing her to apologise and publicly withdraw her statement.

Anyway, moving on with our list . Valentine's Day is against Indian culture. Homosexuality is against Indian culture.

No, correct that. Remember Shiv Sena activists vandalising theatres screening Deepa Mehta's Fire, which revolved around a lesbian relationship, claiming that lesbianism was against Indian culture? Incidentally, Karan Johar's Dostaana, which takes a playful and super frivolous look at the subject of homosexuality, enjoyed hassle-free screening.

So homosexuality is not against Indian culture, lesbianism is.

Moving on dating is against Indian culture. Dressing skimpily is against Indian culture.

Our culture, which is apparently easily shaken by whether someone is drinking beer instead of milk or by the length of a girl's skirt, has also clearly outlined certain issues which are NOT against out thousands-of-years-old Bharatiya Sanskriti.

According to outfits like Shri Ram Sena, Shiv Sena, Bajrang Dal etc, some vital everyday activities have been approved by our Vedas and Upanishads.

Beating up women, who dare to visit pubs and drink, is not against our culture. Molesting women is not against our culture. Making inflammatory speeches against members of other communities is not against our culture. Forcing couples to get married is not against our culture. Vandalising shops, restaurants on V-Day and attacking shopkeepers is not against our culture. Violating the basic tenets of non-violence and tolerance, which earned us our freedom from imperialism, is not against our culture.

The moral brigade is understandably distraught at our inability to appreciate the higher ideals of their missions.

And for those idiots talking about an individual's rights to make his/her own choices and the right of life and the right to wear whatever and the right to visit pubs, well, they just aren't learned enough in the ways of our culture. 

This is definitely one of the most bizarre stories I have heard in recent times. The friend of a friend was getting married - it was an arranged marriage, the bride and the groom were both IT professionals, the families had met and liked each other.

And then, the groom's family learnt something about the girl that made them hastily shelve the marriage and scurry away. It wasn't the usual skeletons in the closet ' an old boyfriend or a mental ailment. Apparently, the girl's uncle is a former minister ' he had held the post of state minister of education or agriculture or something for a considerable number of years.

The boy's family, populated by software professionals, MBAs, professors and bankers, wanted to have nothing to do with politics and worse — politicians.

"He has been a politician for so many years. Can you imagine how corrupt he must be, to have continued in power for so long? How can they marry into a family like that? They are a respected, educated family," surmised the common friend.

The mandatory association of politicians with corruption and dishonesty is a foregone conclusion in India. But this incident proves how deep-rooted the dislike and distrust runs. Politics is a dirty word — politicians a disagreeable phenomenon.

And the contempt is understandable. The word politician conjures up an image of a slimy fellow in a Gandhi cap, spewing promises before the electorate, promises which disappear with the electorate's hopes in the dust trail of his convoy of bullet-proof cars, once he does get elected.

Political associations are often brought up in the most unsavoury contexts in our country ' "X got through that college, you know, he knows somebody senior in Mantralay, there was only one seat left in the hostel, and the authorities had to give it to Y, his father's friend is the minister you know, I got the train reservation in half and hour man, I had a letter from minister Z".

Politicians are invariably the worst villains in our films, a honest politician something like an unicorn ' a figment of our imagination.

In Mumbai, some of the swankiest restaurants are owned by politicians or their children. Nobody seems to be surprised about how these netas, self-proclaimed grass-roots worker, can afford such a financial leap in one generation. The recent Rs 100 crore acquisition of a mill land by two influential politicians had raised very few eyebrows and hardly any mumbled protests.

Down south, the very public patch up of the ruling political family was reportedly the result of a not-so-private handing over of crores of rupees.

In the north, the Central Bureau of Investigation targets either Mayawati or Mulayam Singh Yadav — both crorepatis many times over — depending on the powers that be at the Centre and the state at that point.

Even those leaders, who are beyond reproach in terms of honesty and loyalty to their jobs and the nation, leave us cold sometimes.

During the recent visits of the honourable President and the Prime Minister to Mumbai, traffic came to a standstill at various points between Nariman Point and Goregaon. People were stranded for over three hours, in their cars, buses and autos, without a clue as to why or how long they would be stuck. When somebody dared to raise his voice against the unfairness of it all, he was promptly thrown behind the bars.

Unfortunately, even if the one billion people in this country want to believe in a leader, they are consistently denied the chance to do so.