Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly ngates.

“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it ons. “This represents a candle”, he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates”, Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells” .

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolise?”

The man replied, “They’re Carols”.

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would *you* like for Christmas, darling?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped “Didn’t you get my f__king e-mail?”

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”

The little man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a weak voice, the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around.”

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

“Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?”

“Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business . you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.”

“Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then… pointa to you watch and say “Times up”?”

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxfordcrew.”

5. USPGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ….. Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!”

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.”

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”

God is missing
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “what happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!”

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut.

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a “Geordies Are Not Stupid” convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd: “We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?”

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him “What is 15 plus 15?” After 20 seconds
Gazza says “Eighteen!”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

Shearer says “Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds Gazza eventually says “Ninety?”

Shearer looks down and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says “OK, what is 2 plus 2?” Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says “Four?”

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream
“Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

In a New York sidewalk, a Filipino is enjoying a hearty breakfast - coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American,
chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation.

American: You Filipinos eat the whole bread?

Filipino: Of course!

American: (Blowing bubbles with his gum) We don’t. In the States we only eat what’s inside. The crust we collect in a container,
recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines .

American: Do ya eat jam with bread?

Filipino: Of course!

American: (Chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth) We don’t. In the States, we eat fruit at breakfast, put all the peels,
seeds and leftovers into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to the Philippines.

Filipino: Do you have sex in America ?

American: Of course, we do!

Filipino: What do you do with the condoms?

American: We throw them, of course!

Filipino: We don’t. In the Philippines, we put them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gums and sell it to America.

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Flynn said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Mary said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly…..it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.