I found this one absolutely cute !!

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane…”

Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Airways. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Guwahati, a flight
attendant on a Deccan flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump
and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the
airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight
attendants’ fault…..it was the asphalt!”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

Njoi !!!!!

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job…

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, “You are the reason I don’ t have a wife”, second bottle, “You are the reason I don’t have my children”, third bottle “You are the reason I lost my job”.

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says “Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved”.