On 8^th January, 2010, I prayed To God (after blaming him for all the mess in my life & crying whole heartedly) telling him, ab bahut ho gaya….please fill my life with full of good surprises……and amazingly….is baar God ne sun li…..realized it abhi-abhi “aree wahi to ho raha hai jo maine pray kiya tha!”……..never realized how much all my brothers luved me, but on sunny’s wedding we all cry together, laugh together & I have realized how I never acknowledged their care & luv in my life after Mukesh. The trip to Jim Corbett with all my brothers was just awesome & we all felt like being stepped into childhood…..that innocence, pranks, endless talks…..

 

Got so saturated while working at computer, that this PC has overpower my thought process….it’s funny how so many things in my life function like the computer, and yet the functions that would actually be of any use to me are clearly missing. There’s no Edit/Undo so I can take back all the things I should never have said or done, nor the Control- C/ Control – V that would copy-paste the best times of my life again and again. No Control-X to take out times that I wish had happened in another life, or to another me under totally different circumstances. No back up folder for my silly moments (fighting with mom, dad & bro due that usual mood swings) to be stored in so when I get up next morning, I don’t have to whine, “umm, what happened after I got out of my senses”?

 

Neha told me that” no one should tell their story unless they’re absolutely certain they have something to say”…..ohhh neha not again…Ms.Perfect….

 

I’m actually not absolutely ( as neha wanted me to) certain that my story is life changing or earth shattering, but I know that the words are collecting at the tips of my fingers and that if I don’t shake them out over the keyboard they could go backwards and form word clots around my heart. Word clots are worse than blood clots – because blood clots more or less kill you as soon as they reach a vital area in your body, but word clots just stay, occasionally giving you heartburn with all the things you could have said but didn’t…….these were my fav lines…jst read …and appreciated the logic behind writing these blogs…

 

I’ve realized this lately….that grief comes in one size “Extra Extra Large (XXL)”….if we tuck it away in the bottom drawer, where it never sees the light of day, it remains exactly the same on the other hand, if we wear it, feel it, talk about it, and share with others, it is likely that it will become faded, shrunk and worn, or will simply no longer fit, when grief has served its purpose, we are able to recognize the many gifts we have gained……sounding too much philosophical na….Neha will surely beat me up for this write up….

 

So God this is just ultimate, straight out of movies scenario happening in my life…..really luved each and every moment, and cherishing each second…..paradoxical it is, but worth remembering; the moment you renounce everything, you possess the whole universe, then the whole sky is yours…….nature may be slow , but it is in our favour, it gives us only that which  we can digest…..

 

When I step out of the tradition, of that emotional bondage I was not sure that I am doing right or wrong….but when you please others in the hope of being accepted, you lose your self-worth in the process. As elementary as this sounds; to help yourself, you have to be yourself. Be the person you can possible be….stand up for yourself( thanks to all my folks who make me realize this very soon)……

So aaj me upar ….aasmaan neeche….aaj me aage zamana hai peeche…..

 

To be cont…..

 

I turned another year older on last Sunday and when I look back at the years bygone and all that I had experienced & lessons I have learned ( though forcefully by God…as all my plans failed miserably against the plans of GOD ALMIGHTY)….I think I can safely admit that the previous 2 years taught me the essence of life…..I HAVE GROWN A LITTLE WISER…..I have learned that by 3 methods we may learn wisdom ~ first by reflection; which is noblest, second by imitation; which is the easiest and third by experience…….which is the BITTERST….

I know I am not perfect and I can not say that I have clarity on my life…where I am going and why? I have learned that your life can be changed forever in a second….like they show in movies…..an accident and u have lost the most valuable possession of your life….you have never ever thought about it…. Use to read in newspapers about them but never bothered …now in newspapers my favourite section is obituary……realized that it really hurts….use to laugh when people cry while watching movies….and now I can’t help it everytime I watch any movie which clicks my memories…tears just make their way out…

Many a times we don’t wish to leave behind our family .. I mean Mukesh wouldn’t have wanted to leave me behind……I am sure about it..….but destiny is more powerful and God I think have no erasers…….. People still miss you Mukesh….and you know the void you have created in numerous lives can not be filled by anyone….For me you are my best(not better) half…..so for me it’s but obvious to feel ur absence…..but when I witnessed that your absence transformed many lives….

I got overwhelmed & little disturbed…..when got to know that Rajiv bhaiya stop celebrating the b’day of his daughter from last 3 years on 8^th January( I got to know this just now), when Sonu bhaiya and Chetan bhaiya stop celebrating b’days of nirmit and princy anymore with that zeal ….bcoz u were not wid us…..and when I saw the invitation card of sunny’s wedding which was taken place in 2009 at USA….and I saw the card lying on the table in March 2010, when he came to India…..in that card it was written “ The people we miss most on this occasion – Mukesh Minotra” I couldn’t control my tears….and I wanted to ask  him ~You still remember him??…..and you never told me this!!….everyone still misses you….Sonu Bhaiya,Vivek, Vineet, Manish,Sunny, Amit(just get in touch with him & realize this), Samdarsh, Kalsi bhaiya,Chetan bhaiya,Parag,Nirmit,Princy, Monu,Raju bhaiya, Rekha Bhabhi….for My mom dad u were more than a son….we all really miss you with each passing second, atleast I am not the only one who misses you(tumhe to bada maza aa raha hoga ye dekh ke)…..I wish God chooses me instead….A million time I needed you…a million time I’ve cried…..if love could only saved you….you never would have died…..

Feeling very lonely on my b’day though everyone was there….but that vacuum can not be filled…when I think about the fact -that what if I die tomorrow!!….who will grieve for me…..In the name of a family I have My mom & dad, Nani, my adorable Mama nd Mami &  my best buddies in a bunch of 9 brothers (I never called them cousins)…they are building their own lives and I guess after a point of time their family would not include me anymore because of their extraordinary love and ignoring their family life because of me (no hard feelings and I don’t want to hurt anyone)……friends….. hmmm… there would be a  handful (just 3-4) close ones who would miss me terribly( my perception) …but then for how long …life would go on for them….and rest of them don’t even  bothered ……..I don’t think I would have many people mourning me….. I mean it’s a good thought…… I surely don’t want anyone to mourn me …but being alone gets you thinking about your mortality and I wonder what would actually hold me back here…..Someone is calling me from heaven……:D

I know I am blessed as everybody called me…. You r so blessed Manju ( since 2008 everybody is telling me this)…..coz I have the best family, the best brothers and the world’s best friends in my life……hmmm…..yeah….I was truly blessed as I got married to my first love and found my soul mate in him…..I am glad I am surrounded by such wonderful friends/family… who always make it an effort to make me feel so cherished and special(thanx Poonam di for not forgetting my b’day every year & for your infinite spiritual blessings….luv ya)……

 I think it is true that only during birthdays and funerals you know who are your close friends…… or well wishers…… who can go that extra mile for you when you are in trouble and who all are simply flake……Thanks Neha and Priyanka for make me learn this lesson when I lost Mukesh…..I know I could never ever in my whole life repay whatever you have done for me…..for holding my hand and trying to make me sleep by stroking my hairs whole night, by ignoring your family for me, for crossing all limits God has set for friends…..I realized very late that God has blessed me with angels throughout my life……remembering that dreadful night just leave me with goosebumps…..but that 3 months taught me the true meaning of life and significance of death….. I have grown wiser and these lessons are far more precious and more valuable because I have learnt them through experiences and not through books only …..

I use to feel cursed not blessed (as my friends labeled me)…..coz I have lost Mukesh….and that was the end of the world for me…..I packed all my nice clothes, my jewellery, and whatever I like in my almirah…..coz I feel I don’t have any right to be happy now…..I can not wear all these things any more…..my life has become colourless…..whenever I look at colours….I feel as if I have done a crime…..but forcefully Neha, Priyanka & Parag changed my perception….

I use to fight with God everyday for spoiling my life…..for being biased towards me…..for snatching my happiness…..for being cruel…..but God always smiled and he never replied back to all my accusations……then finally I surrendered……and realized that God is my true friend…..when Mukesh left me…..it’s God who filled my life with his angels…..he was always there for me….yeah I do witnessed many miracles….and lately realized that they were not just coincidences(as I always use to say)…..

 Aaj socha chalo bahut ladai ho gayi……ab thank you to bol dun God ko ….kahin upar se emergency call aa gaya aur phir mauka na mile….

 

So here the list of my thank you goes…..

 

·        thank you God for the parents I have without whom I do not think I would have been even 10% of what I am today. Always indebted and always will be.

·        thank you God for giving me a huge bunch of lovely brothers who treated me like princess till date…….  I want them as my buddy’s in my next life…..special thanx to Sonu(for being dere at every gud nd bad tym…for standing by my side at every step, for treating me like his daughter instead of sister, for being the strongest pillar of our family, for forgetting about his preferences in life coz he was focussing on ours, for leaving his childhood so early bcoz of d circumstances, for being everything a family cud expect) Rajiv bhaiya & kalsi bhaiya for being my biggest support till date….i am really blessed to have them in my life…

·         thank you God for making me a woman…. Despite being the so called weaker sex among the two I am much stronger emotionally than the male counterpart and I feel it’s only bcoz I am genetically built for the same……I can feel more…get hurt very easily, cry so often, but I can also love more, give more, care more and understand more……so make me a woman in my every birth….

·         thank you God for making me realize after 26 years of my life that I write, not for the sake of glory, not for the sake of fame, not for the sake of success, but for the sake of my soul……and  make me land on this rediffiland….:))luck by chance indeed….

·         thank you God for giving me the strength to walk away when its time… I will never learn otherwise……coz it doesn’t take a lot of strength to hang on….it takes a lot of strength to let go…and I am proud of my decision today to get out of the only abuse I have witnessed in my life….thank you God once again for helping me out in taking this extreme step…..though quite difficult….for making me realize that a life well lived is your best revenge…..instead of focussing on your wounded feelings and thereby giving the person who caused you pain …power over you…learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you….I learned this lesson in a most difficult and unexpected circumstances and from the family I have given so much respect….(thanks for all your abuses)….I tried hard but sorry God I am not Mukesh and I cant take his place anymore, no more liablities….

·        thank you God for giving me the courage to start something new despite keeping alive my fears of my past mistakes .. I will never evolve otherwise…..for awakening the love that was lying dormant in me….by sending one more angel out of the blue who taught me “ THINK BIG”(Sochna hai to bada socho)…..and I was smitten by this syndrome since then, *Stay happy, Stay blessed*…thanx *VS*

·         thank you God for giving me such wonderful friends who stand by me when I am down and out and protect me from the rest of the world and who leave the path for me when I want to be alone…..for giving me the much needed space and listening to all my hogwash……please bless them all everyday….

·        thank you God for giving me the right opportunities at the right time coz I always get confused…..for making me so occupied and busy and at the same time I end up frustrated but I wouldn’t have been able to explore my strength, weaknesses and skills to the best of my abilities if I was sitting idle at home….

·        thank you God for keeping me sane during difficult times … for I wouldn’t have been able to provide support to those I love and those who need it the most at their most difficult times.

·         thank you God for teaching me life’s lessons at this early….many people are not as lucky as I am learning so many lessons in a short span of 2 years….for making me learn that a mistake is mistake even it is for one second and for saving someone from misery of pain and death….never try to be saviour or God or think about someone else reputation…..be blunt and end your own miseries….those 9 years taught me the meaning of being helpful to the worthless people on earth….though I am no one to decide….let God handle them

·         thank you God for giving me my sense of humour and smile … I know I can brighten up a gloomy face with it anyday ……hurray….

·        thank you God for the dream i get every night of the person I love ….and feel his presence 24/7 in my life…..thanx Mukesh 4 living wid me in my dreams atleast….

·         thank you God for the tears I shed for they clear my eyes and my soul and help me heal…..though there was a ocean of them bottled inside me from last 2 years…..so people just beware…..don’t hug me….u might be drown….:D

·        thank you God for making me realize(though very late) that Oh my God I love traveling, I love gardening and I can follow my passions …..yuppi….

·         thank you God for making me realize the importance of photographs in my life ( ab to wahi baaki hain na life me isliye….use to shout at Mukesh for clicking photographs everytime) but realized now that they were my only treasure…..

·        thank you God for being there and guiding me in every decision I make; for it helps me improvise on past mistakes and helps attain perfection at times( try kar rahi hun)….sikhte sikhte seekh jaongi…..abhi 2012 me tym hai …..

·        God it’s so painful thinking about coming to work and sitting at my desk and working on excel sheets ….so boring….. and I day dreaming about my himalaya trip…..but still thank you God for giving me this job….there so many people here unemployed even after getting good education……I luv my job (* kabhi- kabhi)……*conditions apply….

·        Before complaining about life today….I think about someone who went too early to heaven…..so I thank you God for giving me this life once again….for bringing me back from the edge of death…….

·        Thank you God for making me realize that in dream and in love there are no impossibilities….:))

 

Lastly but not the least for sure…. thank you Lord for not making me a quitter…ever ! ……..and making me free from the guilt of not seeing Mukesh for the last time….I realized it on my B’day this year dat …God doesn’t want me to have that lifeless last impression of Mukesh( as Sudhir Bhaiya told me many times)…..When I last saw him, I saw him smiling full of life….and Mukesh told me on my b’day that……. “Remember me with smiles and laughter, for that is how I will remember you….if you can only remember me with tears, then don’t remember me at all”……..thank you God for giving me those beautiful 10 years I spend with Mukesh…..full of love and full of smiles…….:))

 

Thank You God So much for each and everything I have experienced in my life…….. for making me remember these lines everytime I get low that “ dil na umeed to nahin…….nakaam hi to hai…..lambi hai gham ki shaam magar shaam hi to hai…..”

 

 

 

 And last not the least all my friends at rediffiland for going thru all my twaddle and hogwash posts…..Thanks to all of you…..thanks Sunita aunty( I love her from d core of my heart),Praduman uncle for being so caring, Sangeeta bhabhi for d love she showers on me, deepak Jiju( I regard him coz he loves & stands by my poonam di at every step of her lyf…..plzz keep luving her lyk dis alwayz) *touchwood*…..Sudhir bhaiya for giving me much needed moral support……Tripti Maam & Girish Sir for giving me my First Job at Panchsheel & given me an oppurtunity to prove myself……Sharma aunty for doing meditation(gongyo) with me everyday for hours and introducing me to the world of reincarnation…… My mentor BBJ & PMJ for holding my hand everytime I stumble & fall……. Kavita Aunty for loving me so much & sharing my pain…….. Nana Ji for giving me guidance everytym i needed, Jhai for loving me and pampering me so much( I really miss u jhai & still remember d tym i last saw u)……heartfelt sorry to Vidhit, pragun, hitesh, sahil, anshu(lvd d way he called Mukesh  *Fuffan ji*) for not spending tym wid all of you( frm me and mukesh)……….luv u all…….