It's truly an awful moment when trying to give advice, or at least an opinion, to a tormented friend, but afraid of getting it wrong or being dishonest, or both. At least two bottles of wine were standing empty on the table.  A coupla years ago, my friend’s marriage was falling apart. He had to choose between a lover and his wife and child. Situations like this can seem simple to outsiders.

“You should … I mean, what I would do … would be let yourself be guided by … love,” I ventured.

He looked puzzled for a moment. He thought. Then his face cleared. “Well, if that’s your advice, it’s pretty direct.”

“No!” I said, suddenly realizing that in groping for the right word I’d come up with the one that was most ambiguous, and that my meaning wasn’t getting through. As I say, there were at least two empty bottles on the table.

“The Ancient Greeks,” I back-tracked, “had two words for love, Eros and Agape. Eros was for sexual love, and Agape was a much broader word, covering goodwill, fellow-feeling, love in all its many other forms …"

My friend listened. Despite being more cultured than me in many respects, I had an edge ove him when it came to matter of the heart. Considering I had mine broken many times… And the certainty of knowing what I was advising was draining from his face.

“I mean Agape: that is what you should be guided by,” I concluded.

“Ah,” he said. I clearly wasn’t being very helpful. I’d simply returned him to his dilemma. He loved his wife and child, and he also loved his lover. Were they different types of love? Of course they were, every love is a different kind of love. Would it help having different words for them? Sometimes I think so.

The problem was worse than that. Love not only comes in many forms, to describe one’s relationships with everything from abstract principles to pet animals, but there is only one known instrument for detecting it. Unfortunately this instrument comes in millions of versions and has never been standardized, homologized or regulated. J As a result, it provides readings which are in each case unique. It is, of course, the human heart, or, if you prefer, the part of the psyche which deals with the functions traditionally attributed to the heart.

I met my friends over the weekend while nursing a broken heart and a much bruised soul!  My friend asked "What is love and how do you know when you love someone?"

The word love has become too blunted for the many uses we ask of it. It is a monstrous creation that has accumulated too many connotations. Occasionally, when the vast mass of meaning shifts, like the rock strata of a mountain, this becomes obvious. I remember sniggering in class V when somebody had to read out loud that two characters in a Jane Austen novel were “making love” in the drawing room - when in fact they were just talking. At the other extreme, love has become too bland, too worn-out a word to be used much by more streetwise modern artists - rappers, for example - it’s just too ephemeral, not exact enough.

To try and unbundle the word and some of its meanings I went to a book I had borrowed from my local library years ago, liked it so much that I never did return it. The Book of Good Love, written by a Juan Ruiz, the Archpriest of Hita, in Spain, in 1350. It is one of the first works of medieval European literature to deal with the word’s ambiguity. The fun the priest had in composing it is clear from the bouncy rhythm of the poem. His aim: to help his fellow man distinguish Good Love from Mad Love - that is, the love of God, from worldly, human love.

What made me keep the book for myself was the flurry of concepts, musings and arguments I found - both in the text and its margins ' it gave a fascinating insight into the meaning of love through the ages.

I will have to think long and hard before using such a big word as love again. But occasionally, despite its sprawling significance, it is the only one that best describes what we all feel!

These are some of the meanings found in the dictionary but each of us has to find our meaning, feel it, understand it and believe in it and finally embrace it.

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. 

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend. 

3. sexual passion or desire. 

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart. 

5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love? 

6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour. 

7. sexual intercourse; copulation. 

8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid. 

9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one’s neighbor. 

10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books. 

11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love. 

12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God. 

13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing. 

14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her. 

16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person). 

17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music. 

18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight. 

19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover. 

20. to have sexual intercourse with. 

21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

FALLING in love and being in love are important themes in the lives of almost everyone. What causes problems is that love means different things to each one of us.

The words “I Love You” can mean lots of different things depending on who says them. Many people confuse “Love” and “Happiness”, and believe that because they're in love they should be happy all the time.

Over the years I have come to realise that being in love unfortunately involves pain as well as happiness.

Like most relationships mine also began with two “perfect” people, both on their best behaviour with each other. Both of us having high expectations regarding the other's role in the others lives. Sadly enough these very expectations turned out to be the rock on which the relationship perished.

Those of us who suffer from insecurity or even low self-esteem tend to become over dependent on the loved one. I realized from my last relationship that his need for love would always be tinged with insecurity and lack of trust. Sadly enough he didn't understand that in order to love and trust me, it is necessary for him, to have the capacity to love and trust himself.

It is always hard to come to terms with the fact that the person who makes me lovable and loving is the same person who at times make me feel unloved and hateful. Ideally, the lesson I should have learnt at this stage is to abandon all hopes of a perfect, all-loving relationship between two "faultless" people. As we mature we all realize that all relationships are two-sided, involving like and dislike, togetherness and separateness, love and hate. This is an essential stage in our development which gives us our independence from others.

I wish I could tell him to take charge of his emotions now, begin by loving yourself and if he thinks I am special then by loving me too, and he will find matters of the heart bring more happiness and less insecurity. Love does set us free! I've told him so many times to go ahead and take the chance! Who knows what wonderful things he might have found if only he learnt to love back?

My friend's theory goes like this: While all men are unique, the ones with whom you would be interested in sharing a meaningful relationship tend to share certain common qualities - tell-tale traits that, my friend swears, foretell a man's ability to love a woman the way she deserves to be loved.

And not just in the early stages of a relationship. Let's face it; in the early stages of a relationship, most men are on their best behavior–”party manners,” as my friend calls them. Well, Women are, too, but that's a whole different blog.

The beauty of my friend's theory is that it gives you a pretty good idea of the kind of man you're dealing with before you've invested too much of your time or your heart. It lets you know early on if, in the romance department, a man is likely to be, to paraphrase Aretha Franklin, a “Do-Right Man.”

Just how does my friend's theory work? Oh! Do let's be very clinical about it shall we??

By identifying five qualities for which you can look out for, more often than not, will tell you how a man with whom you are involved, or thinking of becoming involved, is going to treat you in the long haul. For example, his pastime or his passion. His lady-in-waiting or his lady love. His security blanket or his soul mate.

Warning: Dating a man who displays most - or even all of these traits - is no guarantee you'll never suffer a broken heart. To the best of my knowledge, no such insurance exists. All relationships involve some kind of risk. Because there's so much at stake, the trick is to gamble wisely.

Believe it or not, all that really means is being smart about the kind of man to whom you open your heart. You can go to the mall or the movies with as many guys as you please, but you should only open your heart to those who are capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. Fully. Freely. Faithfully. Her advice has come too late for me

Admittedly, that's going to rule out a whole lot of men - from mama's boys to players to wannabe players. And please don't make the mistake of thinking you can change a man. Only in the movies does a loves-the-ladies player become a loves-you-only partner. In real life, Dennis Rodman is not going to turn into Denzel Washington.

I would like to say that being smart about the kind of man to whom I will open my heart to is going to guarantee that I will find my Mr. Right. I thought I had but I was wrong and in the future even if I would like to, I don't know if I will! L

The truth is, even if I do date a man who exhibits all five qualities, it doesn't mean the two of us are going to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. All kinds of things - timing, chemistry, spiritual and intellectual compatibility - have to work their magic on the match. The best I guess we can do is control the things we can, and leave the rest up to fate.

That's the bad news.

The good news is that I do give fate a helping hand. After all, you know what they say: “Luck is a lady.” And I like to think she's a friend. So, maybe I can't eliminate the risk of a broken heart, but I sure can sway the odds in my favor. The following, then, are five qualities I should probably look for that indicates he's probably a “Do-Right Man.”

He Loves His Mother. If I want to know how a man is going to treat me, then I need to pay attention to the way he treats his mother. Ditto his sisters, his aunts, all the women in his family. If he loves them deeply and isn't afraid to demonstrate it, he probably has the same capability to love me. Why? I've been told repeatedly that as a rule, men who treat their mothers and sisters well have been emotionally hardwired from the time they were little boys to cherish and respect women. And men who cherish and respect women see them as equals, are rarely threatened by a woman's independence and, more often than not, see their role as supporting and encourage it.

He Has Women Friends. When it comes to their friendships with men, women are both smart and selective. It's a law of nature. A woman may fall in love with a jerk, but she'll never be friends with one. Remove romance from the equation, and women can spot a rat a mile away. When women trust a man enough to call him a friend, that's a good sign he's probably a genuinely nice guy.

His Male Friends Are A Great Bunch of Guys. Great as in responsible, reliable and real. Birds of a feather flock together. Enough said.

He Cooks and Cleans. What does this tell me about a man? He's my HERO! J Well jokes apart two crucial things - that he can take care of himself and not expect me to wait on him hand and foot! Not only is a man who can cook and clean for himself a can-do man, he's usually pretty enlightened. He doesn't think that making dinner or doing laundry is “women's work.” Hence, he isn't looking for a mommy or a maid.

He Is A Gentleman. A man who opens the door for me, surrenders his seat to old people on the bus, and treats people with respect, whether or not they deserve it, has what, in my grandmother's day, was known as “home training.” A guy with home training probably has as much substance as style. Why? If his mother raised him to have good manners, she probably also raised him to be a good man.

Having said all this I still fall for the wrong men! What am I hardwired for??

Do you know what the difference between loving and being loved is?

Perhaps the most obvious difference is the level of risk. When you love, you are more vulnerable to hurt than if you are the one loved. The ideal is equally reciprocated love.

I recently asked a few of my friends and cousins to address questions about love and the differences between loving and being loved. Some of the answers follow:

My 39-year-old married cousin from Dallas, Texas, she said: “I personally need to be loved, or I don’t think I could exist or function as I do on a day-to-day basis. Being loved gives me security, self-esteem and strength to get through life’s little crises.”

My 27 year niece also Austin, Texas, said: “I know a relationship will not work if you loving someone and they don't love you back. I ended a relationship for this reason. I did everything for this guy and he did nothing but tell me he loves me. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Love is a very strong emotion,” said my college friend in Bangalore “I think that, if someone did all the loving with nothing in return, they would become bitter. If someone was loved without loving back, they would miss the true beauty of love.”

I have experienced loving without love, and that is very uncomfortable!  I don’t think you can separate one from the other for very long. It may be true that loving is more important, since I do believe that in giving love you most often find it yourself. Indeed, individual acts of love can be done anonymously and without reciprocation. Love within a relationship that continues over time, however, requires both loving and being loved. If loving is supporting the growth of another, then that support is difficult to sustain if you are not being supported also.

Loving is about giving. Being loved is about receiving. Most people resist both loving and being loved, strange as that may seem. In fact, most people fear love. They know that, if anything goes wrong, they are going to be hurt. Avoiding love is part of the protective armor that many wear to protect against hurt, disappointment and pain but that also keeps us from passion, gusto and hope.

I remember how when my friend from school had fallen in love while in college and married the man of her dreams when she was barely 22 and I believe she had a close to perfect marriage!   She passed away just 3 years into the marriage. Some men quickly find another mate to go on with life; but her husbands' grief has been so great that it is only recently that I found out he had gotten married in 2007! After almost 15 years of her passing away!

Love is an investment. You don’t ever really get more than you put in. So what would you advise those who would like more love in their lives?

I believe that one should be willing to give love more freely, and with fewer strings and conditions attached. There are no guarantees that you will get it back, and then again, you may.

Only in my dreams,
Are you ever smiling at me.
And only in my dreams,
Will you and I ever be.

Only in my dreams,
Will we ever watch the sunrise.
And only in my dreams,
Will I ever see that love in your eyes.

In those dreams,
If they ever come true…
Each day I’d wake,
I would be with you.

We walk and we talk,
Hand in hand along the shore.
Spending each moment together,
Never needing anything more.

When you look at me,
Your smile seems to shine.
You touch my heart,
You say you are mine.

Each night as I dream,
You are always there.
We are together as one,
Everything we share.

I hold you in my arms,
So close, so much in love.
Only in my dreams,
Are you sent to me from above.

Only in my dreams,
Are you ever smiling at me.
And only in my dreams,
Will you and I ever be.

Only in my dreams,
Will we ever watch the sunrise.
And only in my dreams,
Will I ever see that love in your eyes.

When I wake again, without you,
It was real, or so it seems.
But then I remember,
You were only in my dreams.

Te Quiero….Be my Valentine….

P.S. Again guys, feel free to use this poem…

I looked outside and saw a star,
The first one in the night.
And when I gazed upon the star,
Shining there, so bright…

I made myself a special wish,
I crossed my fingers, too,
I closed my eyes, I said a prayer,
And then I wished for you!

They say that wishes do come true,
When made by night’s first star.
That if you really do believe,
When wishing on your star…

Then wishes will come true for you.
When stars shine from above…
And carry your wish back to you,
And bring to you, your love.

And so I looked, I hoped, I wished…
I set my spirit free.
I told that bright star up above,
To carry you to me!

P.S. These are what women wanna hear on valentine’s day! feel free to copy it!

I dreamed of you again last night,
I held you in my arms.
We walked a quiet path last night,
We shared each others charms.
I gazed into your lovely eyes,
I saw the face I miss,
I felt our fingers intertwine,
I gloried in your kiss.

It was a special dream last night,
You never felt so near.
It seemed that you were here last night,
I saw it, oh, so clear.
And in my dream we two embraced
The way that lovers do,
We whispered in each others ears,
I told you, I Love You.

The dream that came to me last night
Will come to me again.
The dream will visit every night,
And come again ’til when…
I no more have to dream the dream,
To see you as I do,
For then the dream will be for real,
And I will be with you.

To my darling valentine!

The bottom line may be fear.
Some of us are afraid of being in a good relationship. That would mean giving up a part of ourselves, leaving us vulnerable. But the beauty of a relationship is knowing my partner knows all my secrets, fears and insecurities - and would never betray me or use that knowledge to hurt me. Giving oneself over means relinquishing control.