VT’s blog

Being a Northie born and brought up in small town West Bengal had it's own share of fun and pains.

My Name, to begin with. All my Bong friends used to find it really amusing how I spelled my name. They would laugh and tease me in Bengali ' "Bhikaash". They could never figure hour I spell my name starting with a "V". The Bong spelling for my name would be "Bikash". The sound "wa" as in "V" does not exist in Bengali. It's either "ba" as in B or "Bha" ' the bong sound to connote "V".  Another sound that does not exist in Bengali is "sa", as is "Sagar"; it is always "sh"; as in "shell".

I have also noticed how my friends from down South spell their names. Seeta becomes Seetha, Preeti becomes Preethi. I am told by my Southie friends that "th" is used to connote the sound "ta" as in "Tashkent" and T is used to connote the sound as in "Toss".

Interesting logic, in that case what happens to the sound "th" as in "Thumb"? We Northies use "th" to denote that sound. Or is it that this should does not exist? I have heard Southie friends trying to learn Hindi saying "toda" instead of "thoda". "Toda" means "broken", and "thoda" means "less".

Is it only popular usage and local phonetics?

It seems some people have eventually started reading my posts. I just got my first hate mail (well, not exactly hate ' that's too strong a word).  The mail took exception to my being anti spiritual; in reference to earlier post "Agree/Don't Agree".

Anti spiritual, I am not; but yes, I don't believe in Organized Religion and I have a problem with many of those spiritual gurus and their writings. There are some things which are really beyond me. (Organized?) Spirituality is one of them.

I have some basic questions, can someone please enlighten me on them.

1)     Do people really understand what all these Babas and Matas in the morning TV shows talk about? I know, they make a lot of money, my housing society secretary wanted to invite one of them and everyone seemed to be willing to shell out Rs. 200,000 for one hour of religious/spiritual harangue.

2)     At the end of any one of these gyan sessions, can anyone summarize what they exactly said (and we already don't know). Great oratory, hardly any substance.

2)     These babas or gurus are not unique to any particular religion. There are Hindu, Muslim and Christian babas. Some of the stuff they say is so common sense. Some of which is real crap and medieval. Like recently I heard one of  the more popular ones saying that kids should not blow off the candles on birthday cakes because we are polluting the cake with million of germs. Very wise, indeed.

4)     If meditation gives us so much brain power that we can do amazing stuff, why don't these people actually use their mental faculties to do something worthwhile? How about applying all your so called mind power and becoming a world famous physicist? Our country could do with a few more Nobel prizes.

5)     Any of the enlightened people who have got their Kundlaini on their head, have not done anything substantial which they could not have done otherwise ' with or without the kundalini (if at all such a thing exists, no medical evidence so far). They would probably be better off physically and mentally if they spent those long (meditation session) hours in the sports club. If not anything else, they would learn something called team spirit. Who knows we might as well end up winning a couple of Olympic medals!

6)     All such books create such a complicated hyperbole, one wonders if even the writer has any clue what he wants to say. None of the sentences are less than a paragraph long.

7)     Whatever has been written in religious books is brilliant. Given the period when these books were written, their writers surely had immense intellect. Does that really mean they need to be read and re-read till the time you have memorized them?

     Many of the things written in these books have been proved wrong scientifically. I don't want to list them ' The World is NOT flat; thank you.

Still I agree to disagee with the "followers"; but I do get pissed off of when my friendly neighbour Sharmaji tries to teach his 3 year old son how to meditate and forces him to bow down to one bearded celebrity guru.

Official dinner with Clients. We enter an up market Japanese Restaurant in Singapore; one such dinner starts to take shape. Everyone tries to be friendly, cool, relaxed.

The office PR colleague takes center stage.

Now, the PR lady is not bad. She is rather nice. A bit stern and way too sophisticated. Waaay toooo sophisticated, if you know what I mean. It kills me, really.

I want to drink beer. She is not impressed. She whispers; “Don’t be silly. This is a place for fine dining. Why don’t you try some red or white wine; for a change?”

Duh! Fine Dining. Japanese fine dining? Well, that means - no red, green, blue plates. No plastic glasses. No real booze. Courses after courses of godforsaken variety of fish and sushi to be messed up with Chopsticks! yippee I am so excited!

Moving forward. I ask the waitress for fork and knife; can’t handle chopsticks. The office PR lady tries to give me those looks again. I choose to ignore.

Two hours gone, Dinner over. I do manage to come out alive.

I ask everyone, “Why don’t we go to this nice pub I know, right at the end of the street for some serious drinking and partying?”

Three hours of ha ha he he ho ho, at the pub - we all are friends now! Half the price; double the fun.

Looks like the project is going to come up really well.

Recently I had a long conversation with my very good Mallu friend Mathew. Over bottles of beer, the conversation naturally flowed over the classic North-vs.-South divide. I jokingly call him "Madrasi" and he calls me a "Northie Thug".

I tell him, "Northie" is a very generic term and there are just too many of them. He says the same ' all "Southies" are not "Madrasis".

Isn't it strange? How we tend to oversimplify people, cultures, India.

I trace my rural background to eastern UP. East of Lucknow and west of Banaras; the authentic, ever happy Bhaiyya; if you like. 

Me and wifey still make our annual trip there; sometimes twice a year. The Awadh (Oudh, the Raj spelling). The land of Tawaifs; mushairas, Ram Leela, religion; politics ' the legendary Cow Belt.

Let's take one of my interests (research topic, if you like) - Gaalees. Abuses.

Abuses, gaalees - The meanings; the significance; the fine art!

I hear people saying Ila Arun being vulgar with her songs (She is from Rajasthan, not Awadh).  "Nigori kasi haraami hai.. jo baat sune na meri " Cheap? Vulgar? Well, she never claimed herself to be Ghazal artist; a Bollywood playback singer. She is a folk singer.

As a folk singer. By that standard; she is MELLOW. Way too soft.

In my region, we have a concept of singing the Gaaree (gaali; abuse!).   Gaaree; is one of the folk songs just like Kajree; the Fagua; the Birhaa; the Aalha. (Thanks to the Big B, the biggest and the proudest Bhaiyya; the most popular Bollywood Holi songs happens to be a Fagua ' "Rang Barse…"). I know he sings very good Gaarees too; the Censor Board would never pass them.

Now listen to this.

In my village; no marriage is complete without women singing Gaaree to the male members of the spouse's family. At the sagai (tilak), women from the bride's side sings gaarees to the groom's family's male members. Vice versa at the marriage. The lyrics are unprintable; the usual MC-BC ' ma****od and bahan**od are too soft. These songs go into the graphic details.

One of my cousin didis has a great reputation as the best Gaari singer in the whole village. She is a University Professor in Physics. Ain't that kewl; way too coool!?!

In our villages; after the Baaraat has arrived and served well, they sit around and wait for the village women to come out and abuse them!  (Sorry; the purely urban ones, this ain't no National Geographic Channel!)

That is how we have been celebrating marriages. A bit of a verbal strip tease; performed live by the women of the bride's side; a nice welcome note to the baaraat. (One of the great sex Gurus said once; 90% of the sex happens above the neck.)

Some people may scoff at it. I remember reading an Indian treatise written by Sydney and  Beatrice Webb ' early 20^th century- who described Khajuraho as "Grossly indecent".  Victorian Morality!?

The fact remains ' the Indian middle classes are still fighting to be comfortable with themselves. We still carry the baggage. Victorian Morality.

The "cool" ones in the Metros; try to utter a few abuses in the presence of "really close" women; and vice versa ' women are not too far behind. Some of them are better, actually. 

And they feel we are too hep. Actually we are just going back to what own folks in my village do; only they are way more comfortable. It's only that we do not realize they are going back to what their own grand parents always did.

I know I am contradicting myself; India is not- and never had been - one culture.

It is the DONE THING in my village; anyways. As the "Northie" says ' "What can I do; I am like this only".

One of the recent ad jingles goes somewhat like this (or something to that effect):

Tu hi Nirmala

Tu hi Komala

Tu Uttara, tu Dakshina,

Har pal tujhe Pradkshina…

Loosely translated it means (this is my own attempt; I am very bad at handling verse):

The Pure and the Sacred

The Delicate and the Soft one

You're all pervasive

The North, the South

Each moment of life

Is a tribute to you

And your being

I don't remember what product they want to sell. (apologies to the Ad Agency - the creative director; time for a rethink!).

However, they have managed to reinforce the eternal brand, Womanhood. Kudos to the guy (poet!); who actually wrote this jingle.

Women; and womanhood ' Mothers, daughters, wives, sisters, bhabhis, aunts, friends. What strikes the most to the male perspective is the single minded devotion to the concept if relationships.  Human touch.

Yes; relationships. That's what you excel in. Your life revolves around it (no matter what you in your own respective careers are).

In the "Male vs. Female" High School debates; we had our points ' "What can these women do? They can't even cook. The best Chefs in the world are men!" Now I know the answer. In case you don't know; try living in a five star hotel a month. (And Stay ALONE; my job asks me to do that ' and it sucks; but that's a point for another post!)

Great Chefs ' indifferent food.

There is a saying in Hindi ' "Dil se banao to Ghaas bhi achchi banti hai" ' "if you put your heart into it ' even Grass Curry is a great meal". Women bind the family together (Contrary to what Ekha kappoor wants us to believe- thank you very much) and provide meaning to life.

Wify addresses the maid as "tu" and I do the same to the Driver. My "tu" stinks of disrespect, mockery. Her "tu" carries the sweet fragrance of familiarity, love.

I don't know anything about him outside his name and his driving skills.

She knows the maid's family history.

PS. This post is inspired by the fellow blogger’s post (The Princess - “Not Just Glamour Dolls”).

The other day, I noticed wify reading a book on Parenting.

I have a smug, disdainful and arrogant approach towards "Self Help" books in general; but did not confront her with her choice of books ' simply to avoid an unnecessary argument.

Remember the good old ways our parents brought us up? I am not too sure they read any such books, and we were brought up fairly well and we did grow up to become fairly responsible citizens. I am proud to say that I vote, pay my taxes, don't offer bribes (no one believes it!) ' Still have managed to find myself a fairly easy and comfortable lifestyle.

Parenting is a simple thing, really ' just like life. We just love making it sound complex.

Some say my approach is simplistic. But it works in most cases, where is does not work ' it won't work anyways. A gone case is a gone case.

The way me and my brother were brought up was simple. Parents would generally allow me a lot of freedom to whatever we wanted to do. Play when we wanted to, study when we wanted to. They told us stories. Panchatantra and Jataka tales. They told us about animals, people, cultures, civilizations. And they listen to us.

I didn’t need to watch Jurassic Park to know about Dinosaurs, my father had told me all about them when I first asked him "where do we get all the petrol from". Every child asks these questions.

This is what is called “character building” now a days - a hot buzzword.

There were only a few basic, easy-to-follow rules and they were absolutely sacrosanct. No concessions allowed on them.

In case we cribbed and tried to create a nuisance, we were firmly told to stop. In rare cased when we did not relent; one tight slap was all that was needed to put us back firmly in place.

Yes I am simplistic and probably out of tune.

The Bob Dylan song goes The Times They Are A-Changin’.

Surely they are.

My Dear Mumbaikar Friend,

Jai Mata Di

Now a days I am visiting Mumbai regularly for doing business and learning a lot about that city. Even learning to speak Hindi with bad grammar.

Mumbai people are having to carry lot of burden. The burden to work hard, the burden to being forward-looking and fun-loving. They are also having to carry the burden of living the night life. Also the burden of being very accommodative and adjustment type of people.

Also, the burden on telling everybody that Mumbai is being the only city with life in the country.

Oof, this it very very too much of weight to carry. Becharas, that is why my intellectual friends Dennis and Gogate are having a very difficult time to convince me why they think I am so lazy and ‘laid-back’ and saddi Dilli is Fursatganj.

But I am feeling very sure that they are being very successful in adjusting to people and becharas are not having too much good things to eat ' only wada pau and pau bhaji. That is the reason even Pancham Pooriwala (near VT station) is being written in papers. And food reviews are being written about poori-sabzi. Mumbai people are calling it poori-bhaji. Here, in saddi Dilli, more than hundred Bihari and UP people are making too much better poori sabzi, but no one is writing about them.

Since the Mumbai people are not buying cars, and traveling only in local trains filled with too much gentry, they are not having to worry about driving scooter or car. So they are reading a lot. And they are also playing word-making games called crossword. I have never seen anybody playing any crossword game in Dilli.

Here we are having DDA sports clubs and we are going there in the morning and evening to play tennis, badminton and also swimming. After that we are drinking whisky sitting in car or sitting at a bachelor friend’s house.

Here, in Dilli, no one is reading because it is highly risky to read paper while driving.

And if Dilli police is spotting you reading while driving, they are taking 500 rupees ghoos and also giving many gaalis.

I am understanding it is good to have local train so that people are reading more and playing crossword game and becoming intellectual.

My family is wishing hello to prajaiji and telling me to take a 500 Rupees flight ticket to Mumbai by Deccan Airways. But yesterday I was fighting for long time to procure the ticket but madam at the counter tells me she can not disburse 500 Rupees tickets now.

Otherwise I will surely visit you and eat pao bhaji with you on the Chaupatty beach.

Your True Friend

I don't own a pet.

Did anyone notice anything wrong with the above statement? Well, I see a problem. You own pets; and that; precisely, what my problem is.

I am not an animal right activists, not a PeTA member, not a pro-vegetarian activist - none of that.

Animals are born free ' and they should be left that way.

Cats are supposed to climb trees, steal milk, eat rats, hunt for birds and be free. They are not supposed to lounge around in front TV sets.

Dogs are supposed to chase cats and hang around; not to be stuffed in your 2 bedroom-hall-kitchen.

Probably the best way to domesticate and treat this beautiful animal is the way farmers do it. Dogs roam around the entire village. Eat what they get. Enjoy their mating seasons. Help the farmer drive away foxes from the field. Play with children. And get fed in return.

Rabbits are supposed to jump around in fields and jungles and do what they do best ' procreate. They are not supposed to be caged in your balconies.

Parrots are supposed to fly ' not be hung in a cage and try to look cute.

Turtles are supposed to hang around in swamps and rivers - not hide under your bed. I could never figure out why people keep them at home. They don't respond to you; and care two hoots about your presence anyways. May be; owning a turtle is a cool thing to do.

On top of that ' you howl your hearts out when the pets die. Poor thing could have lived a bit longer and better had it been left to itself.

In spite of all this pet mania, the level of knowledge the educated middle class seems to have about animals is abysmal. Try visiting any of the National Wildlife Reserves to watch emergent India in action.

Parents visiting Jim Corbett National Park telling their kids; "Beta, we have come here to see lions". All of them dressed in the brightest of red-blue-orange, complete with iPods and cell phone cameras. The resort facility (swimming pool, sauna) is more important, who cares about the tigers (oops; lions!!) anyways.

I will never own pets ' at least as long as I dwell in bedroom-hall-kitchen types of dwellings (aka flats); and do a 9 to 5.

Student days in the big, bad city called Delhi; far away from my sleepy home town in West Bengal. Every month began with the waiting for the monthly allowance from dad. That Rs.1500 Bank Draft meant so much (on a lucky day, it would even be 2000 bucks!).

What followed was the great Sutta party (Wills Navy Cut was the thing to kill for). Night Show at Priya Cinema. On the way back, a long stop over at JNU, Ganga Dhaba; to meet another set of friends over parathas and neembu paani. Come back home at 3 AM.

We were all Rajas then. The ones who had girl friends were Maharajas.

Priya and Chanakya Cinemas were the favorite hang outs. I had seen all the films Priya ever played from between 1992 to 1996. Quite a few of them more than once; Scent of a Woman ' a whopping 7 times (all days of the week). The front row, third class; ticket used to cost us 6 bucks.

Then the multiplex arrived.

The first one in Delhi was PVR in Saket (1997, I think). Me and my friend Shishir went there fully loaded with 200 bucks in our pockets and landed straight to the ticket counter, my friend pushed two hundred rupees notes down the counter and asked for two tickets.

Shishir kept waiting for the change, assuming a film ticket is this new and expensive place should cost around 60-70 bucks. The guy at the counter waits for him to move on.

Shishir says "Abe?? Tum ticket counter par baith kar ke black kar raha hai?" - (this is untranslatable).

The ticket counter guy says, matter of factly - "No sir, that is the price."

Shishir shouts back at me - "Oye Vikas, yeh dekh is namoona ko. English bolne ka 100 rupiya leta hai."

No one in the queue was amused, we went on to watch the film and came back home ' forget Wills Navy Cut, no money left for a 502 Pataka Bidi too.

The Great Indian Middle Class had arrived.

On the way back on my Bajaj Chetak scooter; Shishir broke the silence ' "We have got to make money, boss. Is tarah nahi chalega. Fateechar haal me Need to focus and do well in life?"

We focused. And we got busy making money, we are still doing it.

In the last seven years, I have not been to a movie theatre not more than seven times. Quite a contrast from the days when we saw seven films a week. And I don't even know if Priya and Chanakya still exist or a mall/multiplex has replaced them.

But we have the money now.

Sometime during my late teens, I came to know that the words Chemistry and Equation have some other connotations as well; something to do with relationships.

I loved the second set of meanings and went on to do several experiments. I was successful many times. I did manage to impress a few nice girls; was rejected by a lot of girls; never rejected anyone because I believed (and still do) that there are no bad girls. There are only good girls; and better girls.

What is it that makes you feel comfortable being with someone? What is it that makes you "hit it off"? The usual explanation is ' common interests or similar views. But I have got on very well with people with completely different personalities and interests. My wife is an exact opposite. I like soft music; she is the dhin-chak type. I like people-oriented movies; she loves the horror-action-adventure types! Can't agree with her; still can't live without her. I think ultimately we have to agree to disagree.

I remember once I somehow got to date this pretty thing during my college days and spent one long hour trying to talk to her. It turned out to be a torture because we both were trying to look for common ground. Here is a sample of the kind of conversation we had:

She ' I love reading.

Me ' what kind of books?

She ' Anything spiritual, I am also interested in mystic matters, some stuff about occult sciences etc?

Me ' Huh! Occult "science". Isn't that an oxymoron?

She ' No it is not. What kind of books you read?

Me ' Nothing in particular, anything goes as long as I can cross the first the 10 pages. I could never finish Gone with the Wind. Now a days, I am mainly into Tintin and Asterix.

She ' You still read comics?

Me ' Yes, I do and I don't plan to stop reading them anytime in the future.

She ' What does spirituality mean to you?

Me ' Spirituality means nothing to me. Every time I have tried to meditate, I have fallen asleep. I have tried to put some efforts but I could never cultivate any interest in anything super natural and spiritual. I think I am an agnostic.

She ' oh, ok. So you don't know anything about your religion.

Me - I think I know quite a lot. My friends call me a walking encyclopedia on mythology. I always win that round in any quiz I go to. But the fact remains, mythology is mythology myth, folklore whatever. I know them; it does not mean I have to believe those events actually happened.

She ' Mythology is not religion. And I presume you never cared about the philosophical aspects of life?

Me ' I do. Philosophical aspects of life - yes. Not afterlife. And I think I don't have to be religious or spiritual to be philosophical.

She ' well ok. Shall we go now, you must be getting late.

Me ' Yes, I can drop you, if you please.

We never met again. She never called.

I still remain an agnostic and still love Tintin and Asterix and also have many spiritual friends who have grown over comics; we agree to disagree.