Alert States
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
And on the other side of the globe …
New Zealand has also raised its security levels from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defence cutbacks, the airforce being down to a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy just a few toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath, New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Austrilia will cimm ind riscue us”.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate.” Four more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!” “We’ve run out of snags for the barbie,” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie’s cancelled!” There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of this final escalation level.
Hilarious!!… amazing stuff.. i have just gone from ‘twitching one eyebrow’ status to ‘thoroughly satisfied’!!
1oops I still havent read it wtf………… will read on sat and sunday hyuk hyuk
2wow VT ! this is something only YOu can write. It had me in splits! heheh ( btw i havent read the blog as yet )
3Call me politically illiterate not to get the jokes but I am glad u r writing somethin and makin someone laugh
4Witty VT
Each of the alerts mentioned here, alerted us to be ready for our facial muscles, specially those around the our lips and at the corner of our eyes to stretch and crinkle and stretch and crinkle again. Changes in the alert levels of France and New Zealand and the reasons for it take the cake. Call me dumb but I couldn’t understand the “barbie” joke of down under. Is barbecuing a fad there or something?
5i always wondered about the “alert levels” starting with the red alerts! after reading you, VT, i know now to what levels it can make us smile!
6However, nearer home, Indian Prime Minister glibly talked of “farting the trouble away” while the naxals got away by emitting certain obnoxious gases against the CRPF! 76 died…
7Nice, informative write up, VT ….of course, with full quota of fun ……and India’s alerts?
8“and this is VT at your service, signing off!”
news on politics annoy me most of the time, but this one has glued me to read from start to finish without a fuss
9ok, i still don’t like political news, but hey i like this blog!
Very funny !
10WOW! There is only one other person on iLand who could write similarly lubbed the ishtyle Mr Riff Raff ….
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