VT’s blog

My Dear Friend,

- Jai Mata Di -

This time I am writing this letter to you for informing that I was visiting to abroad recently for business things. It was being enjoying journey because I was feeling free from family tension.

You are being aware that my First Class MA in English family is insulting me very-very much by thinking I am being a Second Class Science Bachelor and not having sophistication. I am always looking for escaping route by going to abroad for business purpose.

Please be informed that last three weeks I was going to abroad called USA for three weeks and was doing comfortable fooding and lodging.

This time I was doing good enjoy in abroad. This enjoy was being possible because I was moving with my good friend Malhotra who is living in USA and being very smart in USA.

I was visiting a lot of topless place. Also visiting Striptease and looking at a many sex related activity. Everywhere I was going I was seeing topless bar. New York. Topless. Detroit. Topless. Atlanta. Topless. Les Vegas. Topless. Small place like Austin also topless.

I am telling you friend, USA is being very advanced and also being very topless. Sometime they are being bottomless also.

I was enjoying a lot of unparliamentarily words that the topless girl was telling me in my ears and I was enjoying.

The topless girls are taking only one Dollar for jiggling their equipment on your face. They are also taking only 10 Dollar to giving you lap dance. I am doing needful by giving 20 Dollars to all the girls and enjoying two laps I was having. I was also drinking some good whisky and beer. Very good enjoy.

But I was soon spending all money in lap dancing. So I was being careful by not going to sex related place in the last 3 days. I was strictly consuming only milk and bread in last 2 days and saving money.

While coming back, my friend Malhotra was advising me to try to miss the connecting flight at Amsterdam. He was telling me that Amsterdam is being the "Sex Capital of the World" and giving me the idea if I am missing the connecting flight to Delhi. The flightwallahs will throw my luggage and I will be allowed to spending one more day in Amsterdam. I will become eligible for short Visa and then I can enjoy sex related place in Amsterdam also.

I was trying to miss the connecting flight in Amsterdam by acting sleeping. But the flight attendant person is being very smart and waking me up. I was cutting a sorry figure by not being able to miss the connecting flight. But next time, I will try to hide in the toilet called Rest Room and miss the connecting flight.

Please not to inform my family that I am visiting all sex related places otherwise she is becoming very angry and insulting me again. She is always thinking I am being a cheap man always looking for cheap sex. Also, please do not inform bhabhiji that I was going to any sex related place otherwise she will order you to stop talking to me.

I am planning to visit all sex related places in Amsterdam next time I am going to abroad. You please feel free to be invited with me. Both of us together we can do lot of enjoy.

Your True Friend,

VT

My Dear Friend,

                                                 — Jai Mata Di —

My MA-in-English family was again insulting me yesterday. But this time I was being very-very intelligent and I was being able to handle her situation very fine.

As you know, my family is being a first class MA in English and I am being only a second class Science bachelor. That is why she is thinking I am being damn fool.

She was telling me that I am being a useless bum who is spending the whole day chewing Gutkha and paan masala, and also spending the evening drinking whiskey with my friends everyday.

She was being angry after seeing the picture called Omkara on DVD on our brand new Home Theatre.

She was saying the picture is having too much gaali, abuse and unparliamentary language. I was telling her that is realistic because that is how people in UP village are speaking. All people in village are speaking like that, even the ladies and children. She is not understanding the logic. I am telling her that you are having the Victorian Morality of the middle class.

She was feeling surprising that I am knowing what Victorian Morality is meaning. My intellectual friend Arora was telling me the meaning but I am not conveying the same to family.

I am being very knowledgeable and knowing a lot of intelligent things that you are reading in your fat Victorian novels. Also telling her why she is mis-underestimating me every time.

As for example, this picture you are seeing, Omkara. It is written by a very big writer in England. His name is Shaikh Speer. Omkara was called "Utha Lo" when Shaikh Speer was writing it.

Shaikh Speer was also writing very many other books. "As you are liking IT" as for example. I am telling you, these English people are very smart, they were knowing about IT and computer even 200 year ago, when we Indians were not even having Kachaha-Baniyaan.

There are many other books Shaikh Speer Saab was writing. Like in one book "Merchant of When Is" where they were cutting out meat from some one and not a single drop of blood was falling. Very surprising science these English people are knowing!

One more book was being called "Comedy of Error", that is about the error in a computer program and the programmer was laughing about the error. I was seeing in some office I was visiting where the programmer was laughing on error.

The best book by him was being called "Helmet". See, these English people were being too advanced who were driving motor bike 200 years earlier. We Indians were not even having bullock cart at that time.

When I was telling all this to my family, she was feeling very impressed with my knowledge. She was cooking very good mooli paratha for dinner and telling me to eat and sleep. Also ordering me to never to talk about my knowledge of literature again!

I think she is feeling inferiority complexion with my knowledge.

Now a days, I am feeling bored with drinking whiskey with Sharma and Manchanda, they are only talking about property price and investment, very corrupt gentry!

That is why, dear friend, I shall visit your house one day and we will drink whiskey together and will also have some more intellectual discussion about literature

Your true friend,
VT from Dilli

My Dear Mumbaikar Friend,

Jai Mata Di

Now a days I am visiting Mumbai regularly for doing business and learning a lot about that city. Even learning to speak Hindi with bad grammar.

Mumbai people are having to carry lot of burden. The burden to work hard, the burden to being forward-looking and fun-loving. They are also having to carry the burden of living the night life. Also the burden of being very accommodative and adjustment type of people.

Also, the burden on telling everybody that Mumbai is being the only city with life in the country.

Oof, this it very very too much of weight to carry. Becharas, that is why my intellectual friends Dennis and Gogate are having a very difficult time to convince me why they think I am so lazy and ‘laid-back’ and saddi Dilli is Fursatganj.

But I am feeling very sure that they are being very successful in adjusting to people and becharas are not having too much good things to eat ' only wada pau and pau bhaji. That is the reason even Pancham Pooriwala (near VT station) is being written in papers. And food reviews are being written about poori-sabzi. Mumbai people are calling it poori-bhaji. Here, in saddi Dilli, more than hundred Bihari and UP people are making too much better poori sabzi, but no one is writing about them.

Since the Mumbai people are not buying cars, and traveling only in local trains filled with too much gentry, they are not having to worry about driving scooter or car. So they are reading a lot. And they are also playing word-making games called crossword. I have never seen anybody playing any crossword game in Dilli.

Here we are having DDA sports clubs and we are going there in the morning and evening to play tennis, badminton and also swimming. After that we are drinking whisky sitting in car or sitting at a bachelor friend’s house.

Here, in Dilli, no one is reading because it is highly risky to read paper while driving.

And if Dilli police is spotting you reading while driving, they are taking 500 rupees ghoos and also giving many gaalis.

I am understanding it is good to have local train so that people are reading more and playing crossword game and becoming intellectual.

My family is wishing hello to prajaiji and telling me to take a 500 Rupees flight ticket to Mumbai by Deccan Airways. But yesterday I was fighting for long time to procure the ticket but madam at the counter tells me she can not disburse 500 Rupees tickets now.

Otherwise I will surely visit you and eat pao bhaji with you on the Chaupatty beach.

Your True Friend

My dear friend,

Jai Mata Di

My MA-in-English family is again getting me in trouble, she is also telling me that I am stupid man and I am starving for cheap sex all the time. I was telling her to control her emotion and not call her pati-parmeshwar all this. But she is not listening to me.

But she is first class MA in English, and I am only having a second class science bachelor.

Last week I was inviting my good friend Arora to my home and like a good family man, I was taking him to my roof top. I am always being careful to take my friend to the roof top because I am not liking it when anybody is drinking whisky in front of family.

It is being a bad effect as we are getting emotional after drinking whisky and also saying un-parliamentary language.

Both of us friends were drinking whisky also doing talking. I was telling him about the experience I was feeling when I went to a topless night club in abroad.  Also other sex related things. I was being an interesting incident describer. About that white woman with good assets was telling me some un-parliamentary word I was enjoying.

This was the time my family came up to the roof top to serve us the paneer pakora. She was over-hearing us having conversation.

Like all family, she was getting angry. When she is getting angry, she is speaking too good English. She is calling me a boorish character. Also telling me I am not having sophistication.

I am thinking if I am making money and also earning enough to drive a car, drink good whisky, send chotu to a high society English school, travelling to abroad. How can I be boorish? How can I not have sophistication?

I was thinking this is the problem with all the families. They are always wanting us to pretend. Like she is getting very angry when I am passing gas after eating good meal.

Also, she was asking me why I am going to topless night club. Watching all sex related activity? Toba toba, horrible.

I am not able to convince to her that that women should be thankful to all the sex related places and the poor women working in those places. These places are serving a great purpose. People are going to these places to release all sex related tension. Like the Mumbai Dance bar which the Government is closing.

It is logic. When men are going to sex related places and releasing sex related tension. They are not being involved in other sex related activity like rape. Also, they are not doing eve teasing. College students are doing eve teasing because they are not having money to go to sex related areas. Like GB Road in saddi Dilli.

But who will explain such simple logic to women?

Please do not tell prajaiji that I was going to a topless bar. Otherwise she will order you to stop talking to me. Also, she will call me a dirty man and boorish.

I am feeling very sad and also feeling insulting.

Your true friend,

My Dear Friend,

Jai Mata Di

I am writing from more than one 10 days fooding and lodging in abroad for some business work. My friend, you will not believe how difficult and crazy country is abroad named USA. 

I was landing here after a very very long journey. My family was telling me that I will have problems eating here, so she is doing needful for the journey by packing 4 aaloo-parathas for me. I am eating them sitting in the smoking area of Paris Airport. But I was not drinking any water because I can not drink using a tap called drinking fountain, where I notice many angrez people are drinking water like goats drink water in India. They are not making a chullu, just catching the water jet in their mouth and slurp like sadda Tommy does it.

After landing in this city of Atlanta, I am feeling very confusing. Because I am seeing only jungle here and roads are looking so clean I am feeling guilty for using them. This city is a jungle with many useless trees where no fruit is growing. There are some buildings also.

Finally, my confusing is ending when I am meeting Guptaji there. Guptaji is being very smart in USA. He is speaking English the way Angrez people are speaking it and I am not understanding it. I am not seeing any people on the road. Only car. I think these people are having a lot of money and they are not walking to anywhere. They are only running in kacha-baniyaan in the jungles of the city. I am telling Guptaji that I will not eat food here as it will be beef and no vegetable and daal. He is agreeing to ask his family to cook and deliver parathas to my hotel room. I am saying thank you to his family and giving her one gift also. 

My confusing is not ending there. I am finding it very surprising that everyone is telling me "Hi, how’re u doing?". I am asking the first person, "who are you?", as I am not able to recognize him. He is looking at me like I did something wrong and walking away calling me “crazy”. I think these people are not being polite to me because of racial. But I am telling myself I will excuse them and not take any punga here in abroad. I am telling you, if this man called me “crazy” in India, I will not leave him. On a later date, Guptaji is telling me these Angrez people are telling “Hi” to everybody. I am not understanding that, if I say hi every body in Chandni Chawk, they will throw stone at me and send me to Agra Mental Hospital. But I am not saying anything. Now I know they are not calling me “crazy” because of racial, but they are expecting me to say hi to them and smile at them. I am doing needful.

I am having good time drinking many type of whisky, more type of variety than I get in saddi Dilli. But I am not liking the way they are treating smokers like drug addicts. Most of the places are being not smoking places. 

I am having a difficult time walking on the roads in abroad. They are having traffic signals for walking gentry also. I am not liking that at all. Gentries are gentries, they are not cars and trucks. They are having brains and are not requiring lights to tell them "walk" and "don't walk". I am feeling insulted listening to a light. But I am doing that because I am feeling scared for police. Police there is looking very dangerous. 

But there is one thing I am liking a lot. That is the Indian Store. These are shops that Indians are running. The gentle lady on the counter is speaking panjbi to me and they are also selling thing that I need. I am having a good time buying gutka and paan parag from there. But I am feeling shy and guilty to spit on the road, so I am doing needful in a toilet called rest room. I am not knowing why they are calling toilet as rest room, they are not having any beds there. 

I am telling you, if you go to abroad, ask prajaiji to make good food, desi ghee ki puri and pack for you. If you stay in a hotel, look for a hotel which is having a fridge and a heating oven. So that you can keep your food, otherwise you will only be eating cows and pigs and also eating snails and all that. Please be advised. They are having Indian restaurants also, but they are being expensive and also not serving good food as Kake da Hotel in saddi Dilli. 

Please inform prajaiji that I was visiting one big shop called Wal-Mart and I was buying a scent for her use. I will present that to her when I am getting the opportunity of meeting her. I am also having a bottle of Jack Daniels whisky for you. 

Your true friend,

My dear Friend,

Jai Mata Di

Having gone out of touch for a long time now, I am desiring to write you this letter. Very many interesting things were happening to me in this period. I shall explain my experience to you. I think parents and family is doing fine. My family is doing fine also. Yesterday, she was finding herself a new job.

As you are aware, I was staying in Mumbai for 2 years, ending last year. Very very funny city, and very very funny people. As you do not have idea of the city, I shall tell you about it, also it is very different from Delhi. Saddi Dilli is great, I say and you will be obliged to agree with myself.

As my family said she wanted to ride an aero plane, I had brought two Business Class tickets, but I did not like it when they told me book my luggage (only 10 suitcases) in a different place. But myself was generous to accept. I did not want to take any panga-shanga you see.

When I was landing in Mumbai airport, my family was asking me take notice of the slums. "Oh jee, what kind of city is this?? They have jhuggis on the airport also. Imagine what my Canada wali chachi and her Angrez husband going to think when they are landing in the glamorous city of India." I was agreeing with my family. Why are they having so many jhuggis?? Even when I was taking a taxi, me and family notice so many jhuggis. I came to know on a later date that all the places have slums. Oh ji, even the Posh ilakas have very dirty slums. I have not seen them in sadda GK or Anandlok, and Niti Bagh is saddi Dilli. In my city, slums are existing only is Sheelampur and Shahardra and criminal areas.

I was asking this question to my dear friends Dennis and Gogate about this slum and they are telling me that Mumbai has "greater tolerance levels" and it is "more human". I agree with them, although I do not understand what they say. But my dear friends are intellectuals. They are reading fat books and watching theatre. Their wives are making Rangolis on their doors. They have culture. They say they are 'deep thinkers', not like North Indians. They say so while pulling on their cigarettes. I was also thinking to become a deep thinker by smoking and my family refused to stop talking to me.

My property dealer was speaking English. It was surprising, my Dilli property dealers Guptaji, Sharmaji and Syamlalji are never speaking English. Me and family like the property dealers but did not like the houses. Toba-toba, how can you pay so many thousands to live in a house smaller than a servant quarter? But I was forced to live in a servant quarter as it was too expensive rent. In Dilli we are calling servant quarter and DDA LIG flat, what they are calling 1 BHK and 2 BHK in Mumbai. I am not asking my deep thinker friends about house because they feel hurt. They are also living in 1 BHK.

I also noticed that all people in Mumbai are eating on streets. They are eating one bun and an aaloo-tikki and walking to their office. They are calling it vada pao. Here in saddi Dilli, I only get bread pakoda which only the Bihari labour is eating. In Mumbai, everybody is drinking so much chai. Arre baba, I am thinking why are people earning money? We earn to eat good. If you are not eating family made parathas in the morning and taking to lunch also, what is the use of earning for money? I am asking this to my intellectual friends and they are saying "Mumbai is city on the move", also "We don't care about food as much as you North Indians", also "We don't have time, that is why we eat while walking". I think what my friends are saying is right as me and family find is very surprising that the food even in good Restaurants in Mumbai is not as good as Delhi. So many Madrasis are living in Mumbai, even then in Mumbai you are not getting as good South Indian food as you are getting in Sagar, Navaidyam and Neelgiri Restaurant in Delhi. My intellectual Madrasi friend Dennis gets very angry and tells me "I am not Madrasi. I am from Kerala". I am always thinking all the people from South India speaking funny language are Madrasis, but I say sorry to him.

In Mumbai, they are having too many beer and wine shops. In Delhi, we are only having one Govt. Beer and Wine shop in a big area and people are fighting to buy their whisky. But liquor in Mumbai is much more expensive than Delhi. Mumbai is also having many bars. It is good to have many bars. Like in Delhi we are not having many cheap bars, so the Mehras, Chadhas and Manchandas are sitting in their cars and drinking. Very corrupt gentry.

Mumbai is also having bars with ugly dancing girls. My family was saying that Mumbai girls are not good looking. When I say this to my intellectual friends, they tell me "But Mumbai girls have oomph, and they are smart", they also say "They have intelligence and are not so dumbly beautiful as your North Indian girls". I am not conveying their reaction to my family.

I am having much to write but I am cutting a sorry figure for the lack of time. I will write about my other experience later.

Please convey my respect to prajai-ji and jhappi to Chotu.

Your true Friend,