VT’s blog

Sorry folks, a bit tied up these days; work, travel and all.

Nothing new to post, just an old mail forward.

It's a humble tribute to the great Rajnikant. Hats off the true Rajni fan who complied this list of His achievements.


• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Rajnikant has allowed to live.

• Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikant.

• Rajnikant counted to infinity - twice.

• When Rajnikant does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up; he’s pushing the Earth down.

• Rajnikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

• Rajnikant doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

• Rajnikant gave Mona Lisa that smile.

• Rajnikant can slam a revolving door.

• There are no races, only countries of people Rajnikant has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

• Rajnikant’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

• Rajnikant can divide by zero.

• Newton’s Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Rajnikant turnaround kick.

• When taking the GRE, write “Rajnikant” for every answer. You will score over 1600.

• Rajnikant has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

• Rajnikant grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

• Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Rajnikant”

• If you Google search “Rajnikant getting kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.

• Rajnikant can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

• Rajnikant doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

• It takes Rajnikant 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

• The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.

• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rajnikant lives in Chennai.

• Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

• James Cameron wanted Rajnikant to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

• Thousands of years ago Rajnikant came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decedents now have white hair.



Wow! Now I know God exists and He lives in Chennai.

As if that was not enough, I came across this video which shows some little men dancing to please Rajni Deva. Watch it at your own risk. Rather twisted.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgflJpGojaI

Yet another Oscar season came and went! I wonder why they always ignore the best of the best.

This post is inspired by the most brilliant moments in the celluloid history of planet Earth. It is a humble tribute to all those wonderful men and women who treated our senses with wonderful works of motion picture arts and sciences.

I feel eternally indebted to those wonderful geniuses (Ramsay Bros., e.g.). People who provided us with visual treats like 'Pyasi Chudail', 'Veerana', ‘Do Gaz Zameen Ke Neechey’, ‘Darwaza’, ‘Hotel’ and ‘Purana Mandir’, to name some of best movies ever made by mankind.

Here is another script, which, I am sure will be the next big thing in World Cinema. Oscars, here I come!

——————————————————————————-

Purani Haveli Ka Vahashi Bhoot (The Horny Ghost @ the Castle)

Scene 1.

A group of friends go 'trekking' to the great jungle on a Mahindra Scorpio. The group has five members, as usual, there are 2 gals the 3 guys. They have a good time which lasts 10 minutes. And then, the trouble starts.

The SUV breaks down at the strategic location, near an old haveli. [One could never figure out how come there are always a few havelis in middle of the jungle? But that is a different quest.]

Suddenly there is a thunderstorm; the hotter babe of the two babes is scared. The studdest guy among the three studs goes looking for accommodation for the night. He goes and checks out the haveli. The haveli has a chawkidar. [No one could figure out why the abandoned havelis in the middle of the jungle need a chawkidar.]

The chawkidar is, as usual, called Ramlal. Ramlal has a daughter, Chameli, who giggles all the time. When she is not singing on the swing, that is.

They get into the haveli and the 3^rd guy in the group is happy to see that the haveli has a very well stocked bar. He pours himself a few drinks and gets drunk promptly.

The 1^st hot babe decides to take a bath. She makes a hell lot of froth in the bath tub. [Again, no one could figure out where they get a tap water supply and Head&Shoulder shampoos in the abandoned haveli in the middle of the jungle.]

She sings to herself and enters the bath tub.

Enter the bhoot!

The horrible looking bhoot has a hot round of sex with the hot babe and disappears. The hot babe thinks she had a (bad/good?) dream.

Scene 2.

Next morning, the group has a good time frolicking around in the jungle. The 3^rd guy, as usual, is the funny guy in the group. He cracks silly SMS jokes all the time. They sing a happy song.

The 2^nd guy does not pay much attention to the 2^nd girl. This pisses off the 2^nd girl. On top of that, he has been ogling at Chameli, who is very coy with the male attention.

The 2^nd guy and Chameli promptly fall in love and before they realize, they have sex in the middle of the jungle. Chameli is ashamed of her 'paap'. She says that sex, outside of marriage; is also known as paap. The 2^nd guy is pleased to learn another synonym. He is jacked now.

Scene 3

That night Chameli informs the 2^nd guy that she is pregnant. Boy that was quick! [One wonders how virile these film guys are. Also, one wonders if those are human babies or some kind of mayflies waiting to be born every 30 seconds.] The 2^nd guy is double jacked.

That night, he drinks with the 3^rd guy who is already running his 12^th Patiala. The 2^nd guy too gets drunk real quick, and decides to go pee under the wide open sky.

Peeing under the tree, he sees Chameli, singing a very sad song and walking around the bushes. He follows her. She turns around, smiles and disappears. The 2^nd guy thinks that is an illusion.

Enter the bhoot.

The bhoot scares the 2^nd guy with a break-dance routine. The 2^rd guy is horror struck, but somehow manages to run back to the haveli.

Scene 4.

The 1^st guy and the 1^st babe are doing what they would want to do all the time. Another hot round of sex later, she decides to take yet another bath in the bath tub.

The bhoot appears one more time.

This time, the 1^st babe understands what happened last night was not a dream at all. She screams.

The 1^st guy enters and watches the bhoot doing a Samba. He and she was shit scared.

They go and talk to Ramlal. Ramlal says that there is an old temple near the haveli where lives a wise pujari who knows the secret of killing the bhoot.

Scene 5.

The pujari at the temple tells them a story of a mating Nag and Nagin who where killed by the original owners of the haveli some 1000 years ago.

The Nag became the sexually frustrated bhoot. There is a catch here; he needs to be killed while having sex, with a special trishool made of plywood.

They plan to invoke the lust in the bhoot.

The 3^rd guy who is perpetually drunk is given 6 more vodka shots and made to dress like a horny babe and hang around the bathroom. Everyone knows that bhoots like to hang around bathrooms, like animals hanging around waterholes.

Enter the bhoot. But this time he is trapped!

Burning with desire, the bhoot does another round of reggae movements and pounces at the hot babe, who is actually the drunk 3^rd guy.

The 1^st guy is smart enough to throw the plywood trishool at the bhoot. Aaargh!

The bhoot quickly finds out that he has been fooled. Worse still, the bhoot is pissed because he thinks his sexual orientations have been misunderstood. Sick! Apamaan, ghor Apamaan!

The bhoot attacks the gang.

The 1^st guy, who is actually the hero of the story, does a WWE style wrestling with the wounded bhoot. But the bhoot is stronger than he had assumed. The 1^st babe is embarrassed to watch his stud getting his butt kicked periodically by the horny bhoot. She can't take it anymore; after all, the 1^st guy is her hero.

She picks up the trishool one more time, and pierces it in the bhoot's heart.

This time she got it right! The bhoot promptly departs as the background music plays been music which nags and nagins are so fond of.

Scene 6.

Next morning, they all wake up fresh and nice and drive into the sunrise. Chameli is so coy in the Scoripio, sitting next the 2^nd guy.

A misty-eyed Ramlal waves them goodbye.

Image Courtesy: The poster of 'Pyasi Chudail'; one of the best horror movies ever!  

Circa 2084 AD, finally the great battle between the women's lib and the MCPs has been declared over and done with. No prizes for guessing who won. Women, of course!

The much fancied idea of creating a gender-neutral society has been proved just that ' an idea. Women call the shots now. As usual, life goes on. So does the TV soap.

The most popular soaps ruling the TRPs now are Sasur bhi Kabhi Damaad Tha (Pa-in-Law was the Son-in-Law Once) and Kkissan. The undisputed king of television soap making factory is Anek Cooper, the grandson of Bollywood legend Kappil Kapoor.

Both these TV serials occupy pride of a place on national Prime Time, which is 7.00 PM. (Yes, don't forget who calls the shots now. The archaic, barbaric practice of scheduling the Prime Time at 9 PM belonged to the old days when men were the masters of the world. Now everyone goes to bed by 8.30.)

All the serials made by Anek Cooper have similar plots (plots?!?) as they did in the early 21^st Century. Only the roles have reversed. They are 'Male oriented' stories now (poor men, they need to be empowered).
—————————————————————————-

7.00 PM (Prime Time), an episode from the mega series Sasur bhi Kabhi Damaad Tha.

Commercials: Sasur bhi Kabhi Damaad Tha is sponsored by StayedStood Herbal Viagra and Fair&Ugly boot polish.

Commercials are followed by yesterday's recap, followed by today's episode.  Today's episode begins.

First Shot: Early morning, long shot, gradual camera pan around the bedroom. Kkabeer is sleeping. Close up. Kkabeer wakes up and looks around. He has a freshly shaved face, freshly shampooed hair too. He wears a well ironed navy blue Suit and a red tie around his neck, perfectly knotted. (Remember the old days when women woke up all made up - lipstick and all?).

Zoom in. Close up to Kkabeer's face. (background music dhaaanggg . Dhaaanggg dhuchoooomm). Cut. Pan around the room. Cut. Face close up. Kkabeer spots something or someone (behind the camera, of course) and is shocked. Freeze Frame.

Commercial break. StayedStood Herbal Viagra and Fair&Ugly boot polish.

Next shot: Aanand comes rushing to the kitchen, and scolds Ramkali Kaki for being late with the breakfast. (The old cook, Ramu Kaka has been replaced with Ramkali Kaki now; she speaks incorrect Bhojpuri, just the way Ramu Kaka did decades ago.)

Ramkali Kaki tells Aanand that Raadha, who has been missing for the last twenty years, is back. Raadha is a claimant to 'the property' and the 'Mrs. Shah Group of Industries'.

Cut. Close up to Aanand's face. (background music dhaaanggg . Dhaaanggg dhuchoooomm.) Aanand faints. Camera pan across Aanand's body lying on the floor shoes, trousers, suite, neck-tie, freshly shaven and nicely scrubbed face, shampooed hair. Sub-title at the bottom of the screen: Aanand's outfit is designed by Delta Bannerjea.

Commercial break. StayedStood Herbal Viagra and Fair&Ugly boot polish.

Next Shot: Back to the bedroom. Close up Kkabeer's face (background music dhaaanggg . Dhaaanggg dhuchoooomm). Shocked ex-pression. Camera zooms out. Kkabeer says, "Tum? You?" Cut. Close up on the visitor's face. It is Raadha. She says, "Yes, I'm back!" Kkabeer faints. Cut.

Episode over. 7.30 PM. Dinner time.

Thank God I'll be dead by 2084.

Today’s TOI carried a story saying that some Lucknow folks have objected to the new Umrao Jaan (*ing Aishwarya) being filmed in Rajasthan instead of Lucknow or the Awadh region. The original Muzaffar Ali version was shot in this region. I loved the original one, it is one of those rare Indian films which get the place, costume and local lingo right.

I don't find that surprising at all, because authenticity is have very little to do with Bollywood today. Some earlier directors managed to get the actual place/costume/local language right (if they wanted to); now they simply don't care.

Amir Khan's Lagaan was supposed to be a story based in Eastern UP. In Swades, Shahrukh Khan goes to rural UP. None of these films have been shot in UP. 
 

They don't even bother to get the landscape right, all the intellectual film makers who love to make cinema based on rural (Eastern, central, western) UP settings should at least be aware or certain facts and please avoid such stereotypes.

1)      There are no mountains and coconut trees in this region.

2)      Adding the "wa" suffix to regular Hindi words does not make it Bhojpuri or Awadhi.

3)      No village damsels in UP wear ghagra-choli. Shalwar kameez is the standard dress here.

4)      In the last 10 visits to my village I have never seen ANY man (age below 40) wearing a dhoti.