VT’s blog

Some of the most widely used words in political lingo are capitalism, socialism, communalism, secularism, Left and Right. I am not aware of the dictionary definition of Left-wing and Right-wing, but common knowledge tells me some interesting aspect of a Left-winger and a Right-winger.

A Left-winger, or a Leftist is a dude who fancies socialism, communism and dreams to be a modern day Robin Hood. A leftist is usually an agnostic and believes that the State is more important that the Individuals. Individuals exist for the State. He believes in very strong Government control. He is disdainful towards business and commerce. He absolutely hates the 'mindless consumer' middle class. He usually considers himself more 'erudite' than the Rightist.

On the other hand a Right-winger, or a Rightist is a dude who doesn't care much about communism, he fancies capitalism. He loves Industrialists. He thrives on middle class emotionalism, and makes good use of pent up religious feelings. He  usually has very strong Religious sentiments. He believes that the Leftist is totally misguided, lacks knowledge and is ashamed to be an 'Indian'.

There are two types of Right and Lefts - Economic and Political. For some strange reason, in our country, that difference is almost non-existent. Our political (also religious) Right is the Economic Right as well. Same holds true for the Left.

The other day, two of my friends Mr. Left and Mr. Right met me over coffee. For some strange reason they can't stand each other. Generally speaking they are what I call the PPO folks. PPO stands for 'Perpetually Pissed Off'.

And boy, they are angry all the time! It can be scary as Hell. I see a lot in common between these two. Strange, they still don't get along.

They both:

• are PPO (Perpetually Pissed Off)
• are cynics to the core
• are fanatical in their own beliefs
• see a 'ploy' and a 'conspiracy' in just about everything
• want to set the world right and believe a whole lot of things need urgent 'fixing'
• only talk. They can't do anything better, neither do they want to.

And of course, both of them badly need to go get a life.

It seems Mr Left and Mr Right had a fight over some issue and they were really angry. They were doing what they do best- ridiculing each other, at their cynical best.

Mr. Left: "So here you are, how is your Vande Mataram programme going on? I hear you are really having a great time worshiping motherland and chanting slogans. I really feel pissed with your attitudes how can you even think that such concepts can build a country. A country! My foot!  Heck, India is not even a country to begin with it is just a geographical area which comprises of more than a hundred countries perhaps. Even Nirad C. Chaudhury said that. And here you are, jumping around with your saffron flag, and trying to flaunt your misplaced sense of patriotism. This country sucks. Period."

Mr. Right: "Really? It sucks, is it? Why don't you sucker apply for H1 Visa now? I am sure even they will kick you out, because you are the scum of the Universe. It is our great religion that binds the country my great motherland. I worship her because I am her loving son. This land is not just soil, it is my mother and I want protect her pride, come what may. Apart from that, you guys don't even belong here, did I hear something about each one of you being a Chinese agents. I will do anything so save my motherland's honour and India's great culture. If it involves beating up lovers celebrating Valentine, so be it! If it involves burning effigies of that man called Richard Gere, so be it! My motherland is my honour. We need to preserve Indian culture. I am obliged to do that. All Indians are my brothers and sisters. And you will not understand that."

Me: " "

Mr. Left: "Oh yeah! I care two hoots for your warped concepts of Nationhood. I don't have to remind you of the Gujarat carnage, do I? You guys went around killing people. It was a national disgrace. All of your should be ashamed of the pogrom."

Mr. Right: "There you go again! The last resort of a scoundrel, always trying to find out the weak point to hit! Those things don't work anymore. This is all elitist English media hype. Do you know Gujarat happens to be the most progressive state in the country? Look at all the economic parameters. But you suckers refuse to look at the reality. What suck are Bengal and the Left."

Me: " "

Mr. Left: "Do you realise that Bengal and Kerala are both highly literate, thanks mainly to our enlightened policies. But those things do not matter to chest beaters like you."

Mr. Right: "Chest beaters! Look who's talking your own trade unions have screwed the industry and more importantly, how can anyone trust you. You don't even sing the National Song."

Me: " "

Mr. Left: "blah blah blah ”

Mr. Right: "Some more blah blah blah "

Me:  "Thanks guys for that scintillating conversation. Let's wrap it up now. I wish to present both of you a T-Shirt from my side."

Phew, there was no point trying to tell them anything, because they believe they already know everything.

Ironically, what both of them say is right. Partially, at least.

But their voices are lost in all the foaming at the mouth they indulge in. The anger takes away the logic and the patience to listen to the other one. Alas, if only they were less shrill and more tolerant to the other's words, we could have had a better conversation at least. But that is a crazy fantasy of a crazy man.

Meanwhile, let me tell you more about the T-Shirt I gave them - it has a message written on it:

Just Listen. I know everything.

B'coz I am PPO.

Over the past few years, I have been observing with much amusement some of the TV Channels, Newspapers and Magazines making jackasses of themselves by resorting to Opinion Polls, Exit Polls and the like. Their predictions fail with amazing regularity. I always wondered why these predictions fail all the time, till Guptaji told me the reason the other day.

Guptaji is a small time property dealer in the neighbourhood. He is Street Smart, what they call in Hindi a Chaalu Cheez. He is well connected and knows his bucks well, has dreams of making it big someday and is working towards it. He tells me that he passed his Matriculation with much difficulty, after thee attempts, but he sends his children to an 'English Medium' school. A family loving, jolly and friendly chap.

I have known Guptaji for a few years now. It is him I run to when I need to get booze on a Dry Day. He knows exactly where to get it and how. As I said, he is a man of means and is quite a Man Friday.

I bumped into him this weekend and asked him "Hope things are fine Guptaji. Your shop has been closed for over a week now. Had you gone somewhere?"

Guptaji took out his gutkha from his pocket, tore and packet, shoved the whole content in his mouth and said, "Yes VTji. Very hectic the last few days have been. I was busy with the UP elections."

"UP elections? Are you joining politics now?" I was surprised.

"What to do. Can't stay a small man like this for the rest of my life na. I am building my contacts. It is also useful to my business of property dealing."

"I see. So you had gone to Noida/Ghaziabad and all those places to do some campaigning or something?" I asked him.

"Yes VT ji. My friend Gardhav Dasji is having a BJP ticket and another friend Sucker Chandji having a SP ticket. They are good friends and useful ‘contacts’. I helped both of them."

"You mean, you campaigned for BJP and SP both? I hope the seat was not the same." I was quite shocked at his cheekiness.

"No VTji. The seats were different… I even helped Madam Ghoos Devi who is fighting on a BSP ticket."

"Wow. Gutpaji, that must be quite a task. I hope you get something in return."

"Yes VTji, I am a businessman. I don't do anything without thinking of profits. I am sure I will get some benefits from them, whoever wins. It is a good idea to be in the good books of powerful people. And who is more powerful than politicians in this country?"

"That's right Guptaji. What did you do for them?"

"Nothing much, I distributed whiskey bottles on behalf of Gardhav Dasji. 300 cartons on Peter Scot I distributed them in the area around Gardhav Dasji's Assembly seat. That is what he thinks will get him the votes."

"For Sucker Chandji, I organized car pickup and drops for voters. You know the car comes and picks up voters from their homes and drops them to the polling stations and then drops them back."

"For the third candidate madam Ghoos Devi, I organized the distribution of free lunch and dinner. There was a huge tent in front of her house where all poor people came and had good poori, sabzi, papad and also laddoos."

"Wow. Booze, food, pick-and-drop service do these things get votes?"

"That is the fun part VTji. Don't you see all the Exit Polls, Opinion Polls done by the TV channels and magazines; they are proved wrong all the time?" Guptaji had a wily smile.

"See VTji, voters have become very smart. They take the bottle from Mr. A, eat the free lunch offered by Mr. B. enjoy the free car ride offered by Mr. C and go the polling station and vote for Mr. D…"

"…And Guptaji gets his contracts from all four of them because of the service he provides them. Right Guptaji? Long live the Secret Ballot. Let's see who wins this time. " I was thrilled at Guptaji’s analysis.

"How does it matter VTji? By the way, I still have one carton of Peter Scot left with me. See me in the evening." Guptaji Rocks.

Ever noticed those Newspaper pictures where an Indian leader is shown shaking hands with a foreign leader? Faking a 440 Volt smile after signing that path-breaking agreement.

Isn't it a study of contrasts?

The foreign leader (European, American, Chinese, Japanese or any one of those fabled Asian Tigers) is nicely turned out, well scrubbed, fit, smartly dressed in a well-cut business suite.

The Indian counterpart is usually a tired looking, old "60 looking like 95" man, sporting an ill fitting dhoti-kurta-mundu-bandhgala-whatever. Thick rimmed specs, straight out of a 1970s Gulzar classic. A man who takes his goddamn wisdom so seriously that he forgot to brush his screwed-up hair. He rarely smiles, leave alone laugh. That Holier than Thou Nehru Jacket completes the cool act.

Not to forget those fabled grey Safari Suites. A hot favourite among men who have never been to a Safari and don't care two hoots about Suites.

One of the few things that kill me is the misplaced fixation Indian politicians with "traditional" dresses. I wonder how many of the normal folks really wear them in our day to day lives. For all practical purposes, I think the 'Shirt-Pant' is more of a National Dress than the so called "traditional" ones. But the almighty leaders have the burden to carry on with the Great Indian Fancy Dress. Sucks, man.

Someone needs to tell these leaders:

It is fine, dudes, go get a life. That badly tied dhoti revealing-rickety-hairy-legs, that mundu-lungi-whatever, that Naga-Tribal-hunting-costume does not look half as cool you think it does.

You can display that aspect of your patriotism during those once-in-five-years stunt that you love so much.

You love quoting the Mahatma at the drop of a Gandhi cap. Let's not get into the letter vs. spirit thing here. By the way, the Mahatma dude was way too chilled out in his own days. He had charm, charisma and wit. You have none of that.

Even the Mahatma laughs at you from the currency notes you decided to get him printed on. Times, they sure have changed, haven't they?

Have you ever seen the Japanese premiere wearing a traditional Samurai dress or something of that sort? Or the Japanese First Lady sporting the Kimono? The Chinese flushed their Mao Suites down the toilets quite sometime back. Heck, even the godforsaken Pakis do a better job in image management.

Go ahead guys, don't carry those many burdens. India knows how to take care of itself. Chillax.

You guys have been quoting the latest BRIC and Goldman Sachs reports. You claim that we are "poised" to take the great leap ahead.

So get ready, get dressed before you take a plunge.

Unless of course you want to have a fancy dress competition with some banana republic across the Sahara or that Holy Ruler waiting-to be-the-next-Caliph in some oil rich state among Arabian Sands.

Oh Lord, please give them a bandana, a T-shirt or something.

This takes me back to the good old bachelor days, when I lived with a few cronies in a "rented pad". Life was simple; we made whopping four digit salaries on the lower side of 4000 bucks a month. But boy, we had fun! Mixed with a lot of dhaba food!

However, there were three days in a year we used to dread. Those happened to be the three National Holidays we have. All dhabas, shanty hotels, eateries, would be closed. I am not too sure how things go outside of Delhi. In Delhi, they did close down. That left us with practically nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to eat except rotten bread and soggy boiled eggs ' all yesterday's leftovers.

This made me wonder. I still wonder.

Aren't we supposed to "celebrate" our Independence Day? Do we get to see any celebrations happening on that day?

Ask anyone, what they did on that day. It goes like this ' Woke up late. Listened to PM's speech on TV, had some breakfast, watched TV, slept, woke up, ate, slept again - all grumpy and bored. It this how you "celebrate"? 

Honestly, this entire business seems like we are mourning that day instead of trying to celebrate our liberation.

I fail to understand why we force people to stay indoors. Why do we close all shopping areas and entertainment on that day? Why are the eateries closed? Why is it a Dry Day? It must be "wet day". In fact, it should be the "wettest day"!

We are supposed to celebrate, after all. Let everyone go out, have fun, sing, dance, party. Have a ball. This is the positive way to celebrate, the positive way to salute the republic - with open arms, smiling from ear to ear. Being happy and trying to make others happy in the process.

Some may disagree, but we, as a republic, have made great strides and we have reasons to celebrate. Much needs to be done, but we are inching our way through our unique problems.

As for the 15^th of August ' three cheers, and keep all entertainment options open!