The road not taken….yet !!
January 22nd, 2009
I woke up yesterday morning at five am even before the alarm had a chance to do the honours..rather, I woke up from bed, sleep has hardly been my best friend for the last few days. I finished the daily chores quickly and hopped on the train for another day at the Childrens Hospital.
As I walked from the station towards the hospital …the cold air slapped my cheeks, pinched my nose…but it was my soul that felt the chill…my emotions were all over the map, shit had landed all over my face…or was it payback time for the stuff that I was part of…I kept negotiating with my heart…the tussle between the heart and mind had left me exhausted and there was no solution in sight…
With a heavy heart, a droop of my head and sagging shoulders…I walked into the ward..There was not a trace of Tagore’s Gitanjali left within…and I, wondered if that Gitanjali would ever come back to me…I was angry with myself for causing misery to many..
I slumped into a chair at the workstation and waited for the registrars to arrive for the rounds to begin…As I twiddled my thumbs and drew lots of stars of insignificant sizes and shapes on scraps of paper with a lack of purpose, Cathy, the nurse in charge informed me that the registrars will not be around for another hour, as they were in a management meeting with the bosses…
I deliberated whether, I should make my morning cuppa…but I knew, I would not be able to wash it down my gullet…Cathy, popped up again and asked, ” Mona, would you like to see this new girl who has been transferred from Stafford, she has just arrived and her parents are with her! “
” Yeah, sure, anything to get away from my thoughts would be good..”
So, I walked towards bed 15 …a tiny little girl all of eight years was perched up comfortably in her PJ’s on the bed…next to her sat the parents on chairs…father looked asian and mom of mixed race possibly asian and african mix.
” Hello, Tara…I am mona…one of the doctors here…can I have a chat with your mom and dad about you and then I will examine you…”
The tiny one gave me a big smile showing a little gap from the recently fallen tooth and said, ” yeah, you can sit here”…and she pointed towards the empty space at the end of the bed…
I sat down and looked at the parents, their eyes revealed everything…bloodshot from crying and probably with, lack of sleep too…
When they began regaling their story, it choked my heart..
About three and half months ago, Tara began complaining of headaches and vomiting..there was no pattern to these headaches and the parents wondered if it had something to do with the fact that she had recently changed school. Her symptoms never increased much in intensity until about a few days ago when she was complaining of seeing everything double while reading..her balance was getting worse and the squint in her eye became more obvious..
They realised, Tara was not making it up and took her to the nearby hospital …they performed some baseline investigations and scans and found that she had a tumour.
Hence, she was transferred to our specialist unit for further treatment…
Throughout the conversation, dad continually sobbed…and mom continued to bravely control her tears…
I looked at Tara to see what impact this would have on her…her protectors seemed much weaker than her at that point…
Once I finished my examination, I told Tara, I will have to take some bloods from her..to which she nodded understandably…
I put some magic cream on her to numb the pain of the needle prick and told her would be back in due course.
I explained to parents that the treatment would be discussed shortly too…
After a few hours, I went back to bleed her…she was all alone. She told me her parents had gone to get some coffee downstairs.
Before I could ask, she said, ” you have to take bloods right” I said, ” Well, let’s wait for your mom and dad to arrive..”
She said, ” go ahead, I am fine with it!”
So, me and Cathy sat down and quickly did the bloods…not once did Tara flinch…not even did she squirm looking at the needle.
Thankfully, her brain tumour is operable and it would most likely turn out to be benign too…
I walked out of the ward with the bloods to drop them in the labs…and my thoughts began hounding me again…
I felt, I have always tried to use my past bad and sad experiences as a leverage for my present actions…I made a hero out of someone because of some tiny good deeds they did, and a villian out of another because of certain wrong acts done by them, little realising that both are human in the end and a little good here or a little bad done there, can hardly be taken as a judgement of an entire character.
I wondered how or what does Tara have a leverage to use, for the unnecssary tumour that her brain has…none whatsoever…
So, why should I hide behind the garb of inadequacies….screwing the past is as futile as showing a torchlight to the sun!!
Time to get back to the road that has my name on it….
God bless Tara !!
