CALAMITY, n.

A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

CALLOUS, adj.

Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. “What!” said one of his disciples, “you weep at the death of an enemy?”"Ah, ’tis true,” replied the great Stoic; “but you should see me smile at the death of a friend.”

CANNIBAL, n.

A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

CANNON, n.

An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

CENTAUR, n.

One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, “Every man his own horse.” The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history.

CHILDHOOD, n.

The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth — two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

CLAIRVOYANT, n.

A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

CLOSE-FISTED, adj.

Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

COMFORT, n.

A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor’s uneasiness.

COMMENDATION, n.

The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own.

COMMERCE, n.

A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

COMPROMISE, n.

Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

CONDOLE, v.i.

To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.

One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

CONGRATULATION, n.

The civility of envy.

CONNOISSEUR, n.

A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

CONSERVATIVE, n.

A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

CONSOLATION, n.

The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

CONSUL, n.

In American politics, a person who having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

CONSULT, v.i.

To seek another’s disapproval of a course already decided on.

CONTEMPT, n.

The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

CONVENT, n.

A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.

CORPORATION, n.

An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

COWARD, n.

One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

CREDITOR, n.

One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

CRITIC, n.

A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

CYNIC, n.

A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.