Today when I entered my office, it resembled a fish market. There was a lot of commotion. A group of 4/5 people had gathered around two senior managers who were fighting a verbal battle. Since one of them was my boss, I tiptoed to my cubicle. After I was safely hidden, I was all ears. With the on going appraisals, I thought may be in spur of the moment they will spill some info which was meant to be hidden from others. After overhearing for few moments I lost interest. It was just another blame game. And was all about how-I-am-not-responsible-for-this-stupid-mistake-but-somebody-else-is. When something goes wrong, we frantically try to shift the blame. I am not saying that everybody does this. But yes! many people do it. Be it some mess at home or work. This blame game is always on. Is the burden of responsibility so daunting that we try to pass it on to somebody else's shoulder? Or it's just that we don't want to look stupid by admitting that 'yes! It was my fault.' The other day my parents blamed me for breastfeeding my 1.5 old daughter. I was taken aback. Till then I thought I have been doing an angelic job by breastfeeding her. After all when it comes to breastfeeding all doctors agree in unison (which is a rare feature) that you can go on breastfeeding as long as you both (i.e the mother and the baby! no room for hubby here J) wish! But I guess all the doctors were wrong. My parents were furious. They informed me that now a days my 1.5 year old wants 'DuDu" even before her afternoon nap. Now with me at work, from where would she get 'DuDu'?? Then poor soul cries herself to sleep. She cries so hard that even neighbors can hear her. Just when I was trying to digest this, my neighbor joined in the discussion. She looked at my little one and started talking to her. She asked my baby 'Hadn't we decided to bit mommy today'. My baby smiled back. I just managed to murmur something like 'why mommy deserves it?" Before I could say anything more she shouted 'then what? First you set a bad habit of breastfeeding and then you run away to office?" I didn't know what to say. Everybody in the room was looking at me. As if I was deadly murderer. "It's your entire fault! You should have stopped breastfeeding long back. Now baby is hooked. She is so miserable without it." Mother barked at me. I preferred to keep quiet. I didn't utter a word for 2 reasons. First reason being, my baby is my responsibly so anything concerning her is entirely my responsibility. And secondly I was too numb to react. I thought Yes Milord, I am guilty! I am guilty because for past one and half years I have not slept continuously for more than 3 hours at a stretch so that my baby can continue to suckle on demand I am guilty because my baby never liked milk other than breastmilk so denied having other milk… I am guilty because she has not put on much weight after I resumed work… I am guilty because I was told that the best way to weaning is child-led-weaning. So I have been patiently waiting for my baby to show signs that she is ready to wean… It was easy to pass on the buck to somebody else but I kept quiet. As I was quiet all my accusers went silent. I looked at the jury and smiled. Only one person returned my smile and that was my baby. I hugged her and tickled her neck. She giggled and I joined her… Atleast now I was sure that I was not instilling a bad habit. After all I didn't show her how to play a blame game J
Archive for August, 2009
Blame Game
August 20th, 2009
Lessons from the Past
August 14th, 2009My relationship with my mother so far has become my current cause of concern. Not that things are not fine between us. We do have our occasional arguments but nothing major.
However, there are certain things done by mom which I would avoid doing with my daughter. I am not saying that she was not a good mom. She was/is/will be the most caring mom. But then few memories still haunt me and make me sad. I call these memories as lessons from the past…
The other day my 1.5 years old daughter was throwing a tantrum. Otherwise I try to deal with all her tantrums with a calm head but this was thrown at a very bad time. That day I had woken up with a very bad headache. It was a Monday morning So I also had my Monday Blues. And add to it I had 2 back to back meetings to attend at work. In short I was ready to explode. So when my daughter started acting up I was tempted to smack her bottom and take out my frustration on her.
But then memories came rushing to me. I really don?t know how I have managed to remember this incident coz when it happened I must have been barely 3 years old. But even after so many years I remember it clearly.
It was a holiday and we had guests coming for lunch. Both my parents had got up early and were busy doing chores like cleaning, cooking & tiding up the house. Since my mother was working, everyday she could not clean the whole house. So that day there was a lot to do. And when they both were barely finished with everything, guests arrived. The Uncle settled in hall room and Aunty came to kitchen with my mom. After some initial talk Aunty declared that she had to go to the toilet. My mother asked my elder sister to show Aunty way to toilet.
Just when Aunty was gone my mom panicked and blurted out that she had forgotten to clean toilet and she hoped that atleast papa had remembered to clean it. She looked so worried that I wanted to help her. My little brain started looking for a solution and it soon came up with a bright idea.
Without telling anything to mom I ran to hall room where papa was chitchatting with Uncle and asked him in a very clear voice whether he had cleaned toilet in morning. He was speechless for some time. This made me repeat the question in an even louder voice. Finally he smiled and said “No beta I have not.”
“Oh! You should have Papa. Because even mom has not cleaned it and now Aunty has gone to toilet.” I cried.
With a sulking face I returned to kitchen and announced my piece of info to mom and oblivious to my sin I reached for my usual spot in kitchen, the corner of dining table and climbed on it. Aunty had still not returned from toilet. With clenched teeth mom asked me why I did what I did. I didn’t know what to say.
And then we heard Uncle laughing out loudly and saying, “Yeah yeah I can understand. With your wife working you have to do atleast some chores. Thankfully my wife is not working!” And some more laughter followed. With that mom turned to me. She was now fuming with rage. I was still sitting there munching on something. And all of a sudden she picked up a pretty warm vessel from kitchen platform and put it on my thigh. The vessel was not that hot so it didn’t burn me. I got a very mild ‘chatka’. But my eyes filled up with water. I didn’t understand what wrong I had done that mom wanted to burn me with hot vessel.
I don’t remember what I did after that or how mom behaved after that. She must have taken me in her arms but I have forgotten that part. The only memory left with me is so bitter that whenever I happen to stumble on it, I feel rush of the same emotions I felt way back.
Over the years I have learnt to see the humorous side of the whole incident. I have also reasoned it out by thinking abut my mother’s plight at that very moment. She must have looked so stupid in front of the guests for making her husband clean toilets. Those were the days when men took pride in not helping their wives with household work.
Inspite of all this reasoning, the initial emotion that rushes to me is of hurt and pain…
So when I was all set to smack my daughter’s bottom I remembered this incident and felt guilty for wanting to hit my baby.
After all I would never want to give her a memory like this one….
I have read this somewhere ‘Parents who hit their children are the one who have run out of ideas’
It’s so damn true. Isn’t it?
